Its Over

[Lotus_Luna]

I can only be honest and say I could have done things differently. I am well aware I didnt make the best choices.

 

I had to face a lot of fear, and self-doubt, and look deep inside of myself. It’s easy as an outsider to judge, but That never benefits the victims of abuse or the abuser. My actions may not have been perfect, but I did the best in the circumstances I had with the knowledge and the sources available to me. And now I move forward knowing better and being better.

[Naivewomen]

I'm proud of you!! Ofcourse the betrayed will judge you. You have come along way and it does seem like this MM has helped you alot. He supported you at a time when you felt your lowest. You have children to take care of. Some dont understand the debilitating effects this must have on you as a person to keep everything as normal as possible. I believe you are stronger today because of all of these experiences. Keep pushing forward.

[LIRR88]

I’m happy for you and I hope you continue to heal. I think most OW reach that point of no return. I had mine last Monday. I’m just emotionally drained. I realized I was giving this guy so much of my time and energy, reaching out to him because I cared and I wanted him to know that. Bottom line is nothing I do or say will change this situation. Actions speak louder than words, he doesn’t care about me because if he did he’d at least reach out and ask me how I’m doing, but nope. Keep focusing on yourself and staying positive, things will get better.

[misspalmy]

great news. wish u all best.

[Confused48]

I'm not sure but I think some commentators misinterpreted what I mean when I said that, it would be hilarious except.... As in: it is not hilarious.

 

Yes, it would be a hilarious example of a deluded, self absorbed, WS, except that it isn't. I did say that it was not.

 

It is not, precisely bc she is damaging herself, her children and the MM's wife and children, if they have any. She is a one woman A Bomb, wreaking havoc upon all within her reach. All while calling it an opportunity for healing and growth! Ok, so using those words to describe what she has done, yes, those are hilarious words, to describe a horribly selfish and damaging series of events. Gallows humor of a sort. Even if not intended to be so.

 

The actions, the results of those actions, no not at all funny, not in the slightest.

 

Reading a bit to much Esther Perel I'd say.

[DKT3]

Unfortunately confused, this is common for those who have affairs in the first place. They have affairs because they are selfish, afterwards they focus on how they were wronged and how they are in pain. Gone is concern for how thier actions have impacted those around them. It simply more selfish behavior.

[Naivewomen]

DTK3 this is how to help people. You are 100% right. The entire thing was about selfishness!!!

This is what I need to hear!! After the process of unraveling everything, I was extremely selfish. Pushed everyone away. It seemed like a mental illness though, very difficult to describe especially after years of rationalizing, justifying and going against MYSELF!! Running away from myself!!

[DKT3]

I believe it is how you help on sites like this...the problem is timing. While you may find value in my comments others who are not as far along as you are not ready to see or hear things this way, YET

[Naivewomen]

I believe it is how you help on sites like this...the problem is timing. While you may find value in my comments others who are not as far along as you are not ready to see or hear things this way, YET

 

 

Lol DKT3 dont i know. Lol.

[loverainydays]

Wow, Lotus, I admire you and only hope I can find the same strength. While my affair only lasted a few months, and we were on and off again the entire time, he informed me that he will have to block me and delete my number “after this”....and we proceeded to have sex one last time. We work together and dread seeing him.. I know it needs to be over, and it is for the best, I’m just going to miss him. Shoot, I already do, I miss our friendship (we have not been able to be the same once we became intimate).

[Lotus_Luna]

I feel so rejected. I was around ex ap and his wife. Not thr first time, wont be the last.

 

And I just felt so overwhelminly rejected.

 

I wish my ego took that feel and turned it into anger. Instead, it just goes inward at myself.

 

My logical understanding is at war with my feelings.

[Naivewomen]

Lotus, this is a normal feeling. Ofcourse you feel this way. He is acting perfectly normal as if his life went unscathed. This is how the MM was living the entire time. This has nothing to do with you. He was just able to separate the two women. One was his wife and one was his secret lover. Most MM are in this category this has NOTHING to do with you. You will one day realize this. I'm so sorry you are hurting and one day you truly wont care. I promise!! Value yourself and that will be your power!!

[Lotus_Luna]

Lotus, this is a normal feeling. Ofcourse you feel this way. He is acting perfectly normal as if his life went unscathed. This is how the MM was living the entire time. This has nothing to do with you. He was just able to separate the two women. One was his wife and one was his secret lover. Most MM are in this category this has NOTHING to do with you. You will one day realize this. I'm so sorry you are hurting and one day you truly wont care. I promise!! Value yourself and that will be your power!!

 

Im totally fine with that separation. I agreed to it.

 

I just felt like maybe he never actually cared. Thats what hurt. He can stay woth his wife, grow old with her... I dont need him to be mine. I just want to know whatever we felt was genuine. Thats enough to give me closure.

[DKT3]

He didn't feel what you felt. It's rare that any MM does. It's been said a million times and for whatever reason mw/ow just cant absorb it. Many of you pretty much quit your family and went all in on men who gave you 10-15% in return. That is a bad investment, yet here you are investing more in him still.

[Lotus_Luna]

He didn't feel what you felt. It's rare that any MM does. It's been said a million times and for whatever reason mw/ow just cant absorb it. Many of you pretty much quit your family and went all in on men who gave you 10-15% in return. That is a bad investment, yet here you are investing more in him still.

 

I dont know where you got that from my post. Because I felt rejected? I knew he was married. I never expected him to leave her. I still dont...

 

And he has told me even if he ends it, not to take it as personal rejection. He just cant live with the duality. I dont thino he lead ke pn at any point.

 

I need to work on myself, not projecting my insecurities on someone else. I felt rejected because I dont believe I’m lovable because I dont love myself wholly.

 

The whole thing really is all internal.

[Naivewomen]

Well said Lotus!! Start working on self love. There are many ways to do this. Search the internet, self help books, and looking in the mirror and really feeling your value! You will be happier than yesterday!

[Lotus_Luna]

Well said Lotus!! Start working on self love. There are many ways to do this. Search the internet, self help books, and looking in the mirror and really feeling your value! You will be happier than yesterday!

 

Im working on it and will continue this journey.

 

I just have no interest in hearing generic statements thrown my way without context.

[DKT3]

My comment were far from generic and went to your wondering if what you guys had was real and he felt what you did. All the evidence points to no, no he didn't feel what you felt.

 

Truth is, and many women in your position fight off the reality of their situations. That reality is you are willing to give it all up for him, he isnt in that place. If his feelings matched yours then he would also be willing to give up his marriage and wife. Sometimes 2 + 2 really is as simple as 4, no matter how much you want it to be 5.

 

Closure is in the reality of your situation, not in the fantasy in your head. You chose him, he chose her. That's closure. Searching farther will only open you up for more pain and rejection.

[Lotus_Luna]

My comment were far from generic and went to your wondering if what you guys had was real and he felt what you did. All the evidence points to no, no he didn't feel what you felt.

 

Truth is, and many women in your position fight off the reality of their situations. That reality is you are willing to give it all up for him, he isnt in that place. If his feelings matched yours then he would also be willing to give up his marriage and wife. Sometimes 2 + 2 really is as simple as 4, no matter how much you want it to be 5.

 

Closure is in the reality of your situation, not in the fantasy in your head. You chose him, he chose her. That's closure. Searching farther will only open you up for more pain and rejection.

 

He felt what I felt, otherwise we wouldnt have bothered. He made it clear he felt the connection, chemistry and affection.

 

I dont know if he ‘chose her’ since we never talked about making choices. Hes busy with work and I’m doing my thing. I see him regularly and we are on good terms.

 

Its just ran its course, we have responsibilities that are more important at this time. Thats my point... did he reject me? I mean, I’m beautiful, smart and sexy... His choice had nothing to do with ME, but everything to do with him. He has his commitments and responsibilities. All external, not a reflection of my value, my worthiness and I dont want to waste my energy on it.

[Naivewomen]

That's exactly right Lotus!! He absolutely did feel what you felt. The connection and chemistry is REAL, some simply dont understand. The responsibilities and commitments do outweigh the circumstance of this scenario and many other scenarios. Men simply do not leap they want an addition to their lives. Doesn't make the feelings less just keeps things in reality for them. You are everything you said above. Keep pressing forward you are loved and valued by so many...

Edited April 30, 2019 by Naivewomen

[DKT3]

These last two posts prove my point.

 

If he felt what you felt he would be willing to make the sacrifices that you are willing to make.

 

When I say chose her I don't mean that as a slight on you as in he rejected you as a person.

 

But let's be honest here, when given a choice between a faithful wife (your own) and another man's unfaithful wife, for most men it's a easy decision.

 

Lastly, the point that I try to make all the time is, at the end of the day does it really matter? How does it help you move forward with the knowledge that he cared as much as you did? Its simply a vehicle to keep you stuck in this place.

[Naivewomen]

Valid points DK!!! You will remain stuck there if you continue to dwell. Believe me the cheating married man is no prize!!!

[Lotus_Luna]

These last two posts prove my point.

 

If he felt what you felt he would be willing to make the sacrifices that you are willing to make.

 

When I say chose her I don't mean that as a slight on you as in he rejected you as a person.

 

But let's be honest here, when given a choice between a faithful wife (your own) and another man's unfaithful wife, for most men it's a easy decision.

 

Lastly, the point that I try to make all the time is, at the end of the day does it really matter? How does it help you move forward with the knowledge that he cared as much as you did? Its simply a vehicle to keep you stuck in this place.

 

He married a good woman and they have a stable life together. He should stay, I tried too. But my circumstances are different and my marriage needs to wnd for me, not him.

 

Knowing he cared isnt a vehicle that keeps me stuck. My god, I’m jot on here pinning away at how empty I am without him. I had one bad day, one loment where it hit me. Im fine now, I have seen both of them and been at peace. I had a nice little chat with her yesterday and felt totally relaxed afterwards...

 

I look forward to a time im my life when I can share the type of connection I had with him with someone else. When its the appropriate time and situation.

[DKT3]

He married a good woman and they have a stable life together. He should stay, I tried too. But my circumstances are different and my marriage needs to wnd for me, not him.

 

Knowing he cared isnt a vehicle that keeps me stuck. My god, I’m jot on here pinning away at how empty I am without him. I had one bad day, one loment where it hit me. Im fine now, I have seen both of them and been at peace. I had a nice little chat with her yesterday and felt totally relaxed afterwards...

 

I look forward to a time im my life when I can share the type of connection I had with him with someone else. When its the appropriate time and situation.

 

I know you have a different perspective because you are emotionally vested, but his relationship with his wife would be irrelevant if he was in as deep as you.

 

On the flip side, if his marriage was so good why is he messing around with you? We hear all the time "oh my husband is horrible so I cheated " it's a poor excuse but it's at least enough to justify it within. What's his excuse? He is clearly not the amazing man you believe him to be.

[Lotus_Luna]

I know you have a different perspective because you are emotionally vested, but his relationship with his wife would be irrelevant if he was in as deep as you.

 

On the flip side, if his marriage was so good why is he messing around with you? We hear all the time "oh my husband is horrible so I cheated " it's a poor excuse but it's at least enough to justify it within. What's his excuse? He is clearly not the amazing man you believe him to be.

 

I said stable, not good.

 

Translation: leaving it for me isnt worth the risk of staying with a good co parent and financial security (shes the breadwinner)...

 

His excuse, he didn’t excuse it. He said it was wrong and taboo but I made him happy. He never justified his actions with the state of the marriage. They may not had have had a romantic connection, but moat marriages lack passion after 20 years together. Yet people stay because ota of value and has purpose.

 

Its two separate lives. And personally, I am okay with that. I dont feel I have to have all of him.

 

Honestly, I dont feel like I have to walk away traumatized and broken from this experience. It just was, we both were people and we both learned a lot through it.