Why do Special needs people get the shaft on dating sites?

[Famguy1994]

I have Autism and no girl online wants to give me a chance

[preraph]

You know they have special sites for autistic people. Google it. You'll relate better to each other, understand each other better.

[littleblackheart]

Dating websites seem to be hard for most people though, in fairness. At a guess, it's probably for the same reason lots of people get the shaft too - some bc they are not tall enough, some bc of their race, some bc of their weight, some bc of their religion, etc... So it's not just ASDs, OP.

 

 

Not all NTs are judgemental or ignorant; I've never had a pb in real life, without trying (I have ASD too). My assumption is that NT men are that little bit less precious about neurodiversity (I'm a woman), but I only base it on my experience and the fact that most of the ASD women I know are happily married to neurotypical men.

Edited April 9, 2019 by littleblackheart

[mortensorchid]

Special people are like typical people in that they have wants and needs as well. But I would suggest looking up special websites dedicated to people with said special needs. There are websites for Mormons (LDSPlanet.com), Star Trek fans (TrekkieMatch.com), those who like sports teams, those who have certain pets, etc. You're bound to have SOMETHING in common with them in that way, like you would with those with autism.

[amaysngrace]

Don’t tell people unless it defines you as a person. I’m sure there’s more to you than just your autism.

[greymatter]

I think you may want to work with either a therapist or a dating coach, or post specific questions here about what you are trying in your attempts to date that isn't working. There are many guys who are NT who can't get a date either. Learning how to date, interact, etc. is a process for many people. We are not born knowing this stuff. Some people learn it early, some take longer to figure it out. Seek out feedback and opinions about what you are doing that isn't working, so you can make adjustments to hopefully have an easier time with dating.

 

Also, I don't agree that people with autism should seek out a special site. A lot of people (including a lot of people on this forum) have a skewed or narrow view of what autism is, spanning from knowing nothing at all about autism to maybe knowing one person with autism and generalizing that to everyone with the diagnosis, to knowing a lot. Keep that in mind when you read the advice here.

[Garcon1986]

It may not necessarily be the NT traits that put people off - we can give you advice if you tell us how you date, a general idea of your pics, and what you've written on your profile.

 

Put down the anger and let us help you date better.

[Grey40]

Dating websites seem to be hard for most people though, in fairness. At a guess, it's probably for the same reason lots of people get the shaft too - some bc they are not tall enough, some bc of their race, some bc of their weight, some bc of their religion, etc... So it's not just ASDs, OP.

.

 

This is the harsh truth. You nailed it. Dating Apps/sites are just extremely judgmental and filter based for all reasons not just autism. All you have to go on is a persons pictures (looks) and any other traits they mention. People on the Apps are a dime a dozen, and it’s much easier to just keep swiping for someone that has what you want instead of investing time into someone you have any kind of reservations about whatsoever. It’s a natural filtering process, otherwise we’d have no time in the day to message each person.

[Wallysbears]

Unless you've stated on your profile that you have autism, that isn't the issue. It may be what you have written, your photos, etc.

[Famguy1994]

It may not necessarily be the NT traits that put people off - we can give you advice if you tell us how you date, a general idea of your pics, and what you've written on your profile.

 

Put down the anger and let us help you date better.

 

 

I havent been on one date yet but I would like to meet them at the mall. I smile alot in my pics. But I think they can tell I am special needs. And the stuff I write in my profile is the things I like

[jimbo]

I do not think online dating would be good for you. People with Autism have a hard enough time as it is with online dating as it's very superficial and based 99% on looks. Some of the people online just have a nasty mean attitude.

 

 

Your best bet would be to go to groups or clubs where you are around other Autistic people. Have you tried Meetup.com?

[Wallysbears]

When you say you would like to meet people at the mall...do you mean instead of via online dating? Or to go to a date at the mall?

 

And why do you think people can tell that you are special needs? There's nothing about autism that would be physically recognizable in a photo.

 

When you wrote your profile for online...what kind of interests do you include? What are your interests? And how old are you? You don't have to answer these questions...just trying to help you

[ChatroomHero]

To directly answer the question, it would be because they have special needs.

 

 

It's like being a fan of the Detroit Tigers and you go to ESPNs website and everything is about the Yankees or Red Sox. What do you do? Go to the websites that cater to your need, go to the Tiger's website. The ESPN site is never really going to change to fit what you are looking for, so instead of lamenting that fact which will get you nowhere, you need to seek out something tailored to you elsewhere.

 

 

It's not to say you can't have success on the sites you are on, but the chances will be slimmer. Dating sites are tricky at best, if you require someone with specific characteristics, particularly someone who is good with dating someone with special needs, you will filter down that already low success rate.

 

 

Asking why will not give you any more insight or change how it works. What you need to be asking is where to go for a better chance of success and maybe dating sites are not the best answer so you might look elsewhere. I think with the designation of "special needs" in print on a profile scares people away, where maybe an in person meeting in groups or activities can better display your needs are not really an issue for people after all.

 

 

I look at it like this, if someone on a website said they were disabled or handicapped, I may dismiss just because I think I would have to provide special care, regular activities and going out might be impossible, it may be a burden to date that person...so in a quick description it is very easy to rule that person out. If you met in person, I might find out that her disability has no real bearing on anything other than maybe we have to adjust how we date or how long we can go out or limit some places we can go, etc., but you find in person it is not a big deal because you interact really well and she seems like someone you would be willing to pursue. You can't get that real-life assessment on a dating site.

 

 

If I were you, I'd spend my time looking for a solution for finding dates and not a for reason why dating sites are not working. Knowing "why" won't help you. Being open to other ideas and opportunities will, it is as simple as that.

[GTR King]

I am autistic & never put it in profile till one day someone told me to & about a week later I met my current G.F on match.Com last October 29th

 

 

So it’s best to be honest about being autistic but word it in a funny way etc

 

I know people can be shallow on dating sites but make your profile stand out & I wish you the best of luck. Took me 5 years to find a G.F

[kendahke]

Why do Special needs people get the shaft on dating sites?

I have Autism and no girl online wants to give me a chance

 

In a word: preferences.

 

Everyone has the right to determine who they want to be romantically involved with.

 

Online is rough for just about everyone. Your best bet is to stop using dating apps and try to meet girls through activity groups at your school.

[Garcon1986]

Consider starting small, with your social clubs and meetings for other folks with NT so you don't have to make such a huge jump in social skills. Heck I'm a cardiologist in training and I have only got 2 dates in thousands of profile reviews so you are not alone mate.

[elaine567]

Consider starting small, with your social clubs and meetings for other folks with NT so you don't have to make such a huge jump in social skills. Heck I'm a cardiologist in training and I have only got 2 dates in thousands of profile reviews so you are not alone mate.

 

NT = neurotypical, and that means "not displaying or characterized by autistic or other neurologically atypical patterns of thought or behaviour.

 

The OP if he on the autistic spectrum is not "NT".

[Garcon1986]

Good catch I'll openly admit my mixing up words. OP try to start small and fight for small wins.

[cammie]

In your case I don't think that you have no luck, much more likely is that you are not looking on the right site. If you want to join some dating site which is not dedicated to people with autism or special needs, then it is strongly recommended to talk about your diagnose in the section: "About me" on your profile. I don't say this because it is the most important thing about you. I am sure that you have many personal qualities that you also need to specify there. But, it will make you a big favor if you specify it on your profile so others will know that you are an honest person who is not afraid to talk about it. Anyways there is no reason why to hide it. As you learned how to live with it, your partner also will have to deal with it, so it is more likely that you will meet a potential partner quickly when it is clearly said on your profile, than if you discover it to someone after. We all are consent that there are many different people around and you don't like to make contact with a person who will feel uncomfortable about your diagnose. There is nothing wrong with it, but the truth is that some people have very restrictive criteria when looking for soulmate.

The second possibility is to join some dating site for people with special needs. You mentioned that people on first sight may say that you are special needs. Maybe it is not the truth, maybe it is only in your mind. But whatever it is, with this opinion I think that you will feel more comfortable in a company on a person who is similar to you. So, try it and you may see a big difference in the number of responses. There are many dating sites for people with autism. I searched for some of them for you. On these links you can read more information about the sites before you decide whether you want to join:

https://perfect.is/dating/en/www.autismdate.com

https://perfect.is/dating/en/www.autisticdating.net

https://perfect.is/dating/en/www.autismdatingservice.com

I hope that this will help you.

[Dandelioness]

I'd put less emphasis on the Autism label and more on the specific behaviours you may be exhibiting that is giving you a shaft.

 

For example, is your profile photo and write-up inviting? Can you ask a friend for opinions?

 

There are 'online dating etiquettes' that list the DO's and DON'Ts when it comes to online dating. Try Googling it. It may guide you a bit.

 

Try finding specific groups you're interested in. For example, video games, Star Wars fans, animes.. whatever.. to meet other like-minded women. I don't think it's necessary to seek out other people in the spectrum, unless you want to.

 

I used to online date a long time ago. Here were my turn OFFS:

 

Men who displayed half naked photos or selfies taken in the bathroom.

Men who came off sounding arrogant or sexualized.

Men who were not interested in a long term relationship (often meaning, they just wanted sex)

Men who had interests that didn't jive with mine.

Men who were too old or too young for my comfort.

Men who didn't spend a lot of time on their write-up, who also didn't bother with editing, or were too vague or boring.

Men who would send me a private message that just said, "Hey" or would make some reference to sex directly or indirectly.

Men who didn't seem like they took the time to read my write-up before sending me a meaningless message.

 

.. the list goes on.

 

Just some examples as why I may have shafted someone.

Edited May 19, 2019 by Dandelioness

[major_merrick]

In a word: preferences.

 

Everyone has the right to determine who they want to be romantically involved with.

 

 

This. And, honestly, dating is about long-term mate selection, which is ultimately about having sex and having kids. We choose the best possible partner to create healthy offspring. Non neuro-typical people tend to have a harder time being perceived as healthy, and that only increases the more non neuro-typical you are. Whether people realize it consciously or not, it means that you are not "ideal" for reproduction as far as our instincts are concerned. Dating is mostly about hiding your flaws anyways, rather than advertising them....thus increasing your chances to be selected as a reproductive partner.

 

For me, I selected a partner early in life that displayed the traits I found attractive: Intelligence, aggression, perseverance, loyalty, and an ethnicity similar enough to my own. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's the kind of person I automatically selected, and that selection was driven by the instinct to reproduce.

 

It isn't nice, and it isn't fair. You must optimize how you present yourself in order to play the mating game better. By hook or by crook, by sword or surrender, all things yield to the god of the biological rulebook.

[pepperbird]

Non neuro-typical people tend to have a harder time being perceived as healthy, and that only increases the more non neuro-typical you are. Whether people realize it consciously or not, it means that you are not "ideal" for reproduction as far as our instincts are concerned. Dating is mostly about hiding your flaws anyways, rather than advertising them....thus increasing your chances to be selected as a reproductive partner.

 

 

 

Sorry, but this doesn't make any sense.

 

Op, I'm autistic and two of my adult kids are as well so this is an area I have some experience in.

 

 

 

If you don't mind a piece of advice, it's this. It doesn't matter what site you use or who you're hoping to meet. It's best to be honest.

I'm not saying that the first words you need to use are "I'm autistic", more that it's important be honest about your interests, your likes, dislikes and anything else you feel is part of what makes you who you are.

If you do this, it will help prevent problems in the future, should you connect with someone and want to meet them.

 

BTW, there is a site called "Wrong Planet", which is a great resource for non-nuero-typicals.

[The Outlaw]

Forget online dating, it's very hit and miss and they may not be who they claim to be. Instead, try finding some other people you share a common bond with, hobbies or interests that you can meet face to face.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I have Autism and no girl online wants to give me a chance

 

Don't tell them you're a autistic. Just be weird anyway, don't fret about it.

 

I'm not autistic and I can't even get a date, so you're already doing better than me.

 

Good luck.

[alphamale]

I have Autism and no girl online wants to give me a chance

 

birds of a feather flock together....find a girl who is also on the autism spectrum