How terrible family can get over money

[Mystyry]

My mother passed away last year. I am her only child. She didn’t leave much by way of an estate. For many years now I have been covering all her expenses. Her death was sudden and I am still in shock over it and so sad and heartbroken. Daily tasks are pretty difficult and a struggle.

 

In the meantime I have to deal with the estate matters. She lived in another country, where we have some family left still - her sister (my aunt) and the sister’s son. I went there a while ago to get items of sentimental importance for me and to start the estate matters. My aunt wanted to be involved vs. me hiring someone, so out of courtesy to her, I agreed. We didn’t have any legal documents signed, because it’s family, and also because the major items - house, etc. are in my name, and the rest of the items are not of too great a monetary value.

 

I’ve found out today through - believe it or not - a misdirected voice message that she meant to send to a friend of hers, about how she is handling these matters. I left her specific instructions on what I wanted done with everything - mostly I wanted people who loved my mother to have something of hers, if they wanted, as a gift. I didn’t want to sell any of the items that other people had use for or wanted. Instead, my aunt is actually just selling everything. She was detailing how many things she sold, how much she got and was telling “her friend” that supposedly I am pushing her to do this and fast.

 

I am just left feeling so sad and down and that it’s just such a dirty business. It’s not even a lot of money she is getting from this, and to do this when you are family, and in such a difficult time. She is now my closest family left, and that is apparently how she treats this relationship. I can’t believe that this is happening and even more so, I can’t believe I have to deal with this. I don’t even have any energy for it.

[MsJayne]

A death in the family often brings out the worst in people. I would let her know that she sent the message to you by mistake and would suggest that she refrain from lying to people about your wishes regarding your mothers personal effects. I hope she's passing on to you any money she's making from selling things which are in fact now your belongings.

[Mystyry]

Thanks, she does realize she sent me this. She followed up with four messages saying I shouldn’t take it to heart. This annoyed me so much more. And no, she is definitely keeping the money, and it’s not even a lot of money. The infuriating part for me is that these are sentimental items she is monetizing without informing me, and just general aspect of how unexpected such behavior is from family. I don’t even know how to confront her. I am not planning to fight with her over this, but the only thing I can imagine right now is to just cut her off when all of this is over with...

[Simple Logic]

As soon as I started reading your story I knew what was occurring. Loved ones stealing from estates is rampant these days.

[Mystyry]

As soon as I started reading your story I knew what was occurring. Loved ones stealing from estates is rampant these days.

Is it really? Wow. See, I did hear about a couple cases like that, but you always think that this won’t happen in *your* family, because it’s people you know, close relatives you grew up with. It’s mind boggling to me that someone would do such a thing at all - regardless of the affiliation to the family of the deceased. I suddenly feel like I don’t recognize my own family, like they are strangers.

[mark clemson]

I know several folks personally who are estranged with their adult siblings due to serious disagreements and even court battles in a few cases over inheritances. I hear this is quite common unfortunately. Sometimes 1 sibling who is an executor/trustee attempts to abuse their authority. In other cases there is simply major disagreement due to what one or the other wants or perceived or real unfairness.

[bathtub-row]

Yes, it's unfortunate that this kind of thing is common. I have 3 siblings and when my parents passed away, the battle began. Even though the will was very clear - splitting everything equally between the 4 of us - the will was several years old and 2 of my siblings wanted to fight about it because of religious reasons. My family was in a very strict, cultish religion but me and one other sibling left it. I guess my other sisters thought our parents would've disowned us because of that. They were shocked that it didn't happen. I told them if they could find that 'other will' they were hoping for, we'd honor it, but I also told them they wouldn't find it. Our parents' lawyer said there was no other will and they never found one.

 

I was personally shocked at the things they did. My father and mother died within days of one another. As soon as our mother passed away, one of my siblings started digging through a safe in our parents' house, and someone else deleted everything on my dad's computer. These were the people who called themselves Christian. I learned to never put anything past anyone.

 

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. I know how hard that is. It leaves a hole in your heart.

Edited April 10, 2019 by bathtub-row

[Mystyry]

I know several folks personally who are estranged with their adult siblings due to serious disagreements and even court battles in a few cases over inheritances. I hear this is quite common unfortunately.

This is so sad. And just shocking and unexpected. I am flabbergasted to realize it is indeed likely common. I would have never imagined that this would happen in my family, and here we are...

[Mystyry]

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. I know how hard that is. It leaves a hole in your heart.

 

Thank you - for your words and for sharing your experience. The hole is gigantic, the kind I don’t ever see closing. I am very sorry about your parents too, and the ordeal you had to go through. Though you speak of it in a very composed and calm manner now, I am sure at the time it was very difficult. When I think about my aunt, I am just left wondering if she feels that this little bit of money is worth her relationship with me. Sadly her actions show better than words. How very very sad.

[mrs rubble]

How heartbreaking! I’m so sorry for your loss.

Remember nobody can ever steal your memories, hold her in your heart. <3

[Mystyry]

How heartbreaking! I’m so sorry for your loss.

Remember nobody can ever steal your memories, hold her in your heart. <3

Thank you very much for your words. I am trying to concentrate on that too, but it is very helpful to hear.

[LuckyM]

I sympathize...I was the executor of my mother's estate and hated every day of it. Got little to no help from siblings and one stole sentimental things.

Yes it is very common for what I hear but that doesn't make you feel better I suppose. You could hire a lawyer to send her letters but, there's not much you can do. Lawyer might cost more than it is worth.

[Mystyry]

I sympathize...I was the executor of my mother's estate and hated every day of it. Got little to no help from siblings and one stole sentimental things.

Thank you and I am sorry to hear about your experience too. Stealing sentimental things, or selling them in my case - I just can’t imagine how someone justifies doing that...

Yes it is very common for what I hear but that doesn't make you feel better I suppose. You could hire a lawyer to send her letters but, there's not much you can do. Lawyer might cost more than it is worth.

Exactly right, the fact that it’s common occurrence is just shocking to me. And yes, hiring a lawyer will not be very effective. Not much I can do, but just take note. I think a relationship is spoiled forever after something like this.