Red flags on first contact

[snowcones]

How many of you had a red flag or several when you first made contact with your EX, either on the 1st message, phone call or on your first date that you ignored and then that red flag ended up becoming an ongoing problem and possibly the reason why you broke up? I read a quote about this this week week and I am definitely guilty of this and now I am wondering how common it is with others.

[shydad]

Hi snowcones, I have a feeling this could turn into a "me too" thread. Yep, this happened to me too. I remember the first message being enormous, and this was coming from a woman responding to a platonic friend post. That in itself was unusual. Soon after, many serious red flags appeared which I was able to identify at the time, but chose to ignore. Red flags included signs of mental illness, deception, and a life filled with chaos. I guess what it boils down to is that feelings can override logical thought.

[basil67]

No, I haven't experienced it. But I haven't dated since OLD began, so I've only dated half a dozen people. We're talking about when people didn't get anxious if they were single for a year or more.

 

These days where dating is a lifestyle, it stands to reason that one would date a lot more people and therefore find a lot more crazies.

[snowcones]

Hi snowcones, I have a feeling this could turn into a "me too" thread. Yep, this happened to me too. I remember the first message being enormous, and this was coming from a woman responding to a platonic friend post. That in itself was unusual. Soon after, many serious red flags appeared which I was able to identify at the time, but chose to ignore. Red flags included signs of mental illness, deception, and a life filled with chaos. I guess what it boils down to is that feelings can override logical thought.

Thank you for your response and your story. I find these stories very interesting and illuminating, not only about myself and about others but about the power of our sixth sense, even in a first interaction.

[Mrin]

Drunkenness. I briefly dated a school principal. The first date she got pretty drunk. I chalked it up to nervousness on her part and just a big difference between body sizes and our ability to handle alcohol. The second date started out great and then turned into a complete ****show with her becoming belligerently drunk and yelling at everyone including the wait staff and me. There was no third date.

[EStreetJC]

We met on a pen-pal sub on Reddit. She was married, diagnosed bipolar, came from a tumultuous (i.e. abusive) background, but she was holding down a good job, was medicated and in therapy, and seemed to have a good hold on herself. We became fast friends, and within two months, our romantic feelings took hold. She flew to meet me three months after we started talking.

 

What followed was eighteen months wherein we would break off and resume contact for long stretches around three or so times, she stopped working because her meds stopped working, then she did two or three rounds of outpatient group therapy...visited in person twice more, a brief in-patient hospitalization for her when she attempted suicide due to her doctor improperly weaning her off of bipolar meds...and this was all *before* she finally left her husband and me a couple months ago, for a guy she met on the same damn pen-pal sub. I had/have bad depression and anxiety and that was the reason she gave for walking; I believe her, but I think it probably had as much to do with the end of her marriage and her own bipolar issues too.

 

You could say I missed a few red flags out of loneliness, because I was horribly lonely, but I was genuinely in love with her too, and that overrode a lot of my logic.

Edited April 10, 2019 by EStreetJC

[vla1120]

I ignored a ton of red flags with my husband. He had cancer when I met him and my empathy for his situation overruled paying attention to those red flags. As time went by, he became more controlling and emotionally abusive and I allowed it because who leaves a man with stage IV cancer? Trying to endure it almost ended me. It adversely affected my health, my job, and most importantly, my relationship with my grown daughters.

 

I am not in a position to date (I am still married to him and I still act as his caretaker) and don't know if I will ever have interest in dating again, but if I do, I think I will probably go in the other direction and completely shut it down at the sight of any flag that is in the red family on the color wheel!

[Mr. Lucky]

How many of you had a red flag or several when you first made contact with your EX, either on the 1st message, phone call or on your first date that you ignored and then that red flag ended up becoming an ongoing problem and possibly the reason why you broke up?

 

My ex-wife grabbed on to me at a party where we met like a drowning man clings to a thrown line. Young, dumb and horny, it was overwhelming to have someone pay me so much attention so quickly, in and out of bed. I was flattered by the attention but it eventually came to be indicative of her neediness and low self-esteem.

 

Years later, she pursued her AP with the same enthusiasm...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

It was the guy I dated before I met my husband.

 

 

 

On our first date, he spoke briefly about his ex girlfriend. I get the impression she cheated on him, and he had a whole slew of really rude things to say about her that went way beyond being angry over her cheating.

I didn't see that red flag. I wrote it off as him just being hurt by her.

 

Turns out I ended up having an opportunity to speak with his ex-girlfriend after they broke up. Her "cheating" equated to her having a friend who was a guy ( he's gay). She and my ex had never been exclusive at all anyway, and she broke up with him because he got way too possessive way too fast.

[mark clemson]

College GF, not an Ex. Followed me home from a party (literally) and we slept together. Lots of drunken banging (I made some poor decisions in college). LOTs of arguing followed by makeup sex. I got complemented occasionally by others for being such a kind and understanding guy for putting up with her craziness...

 

This is the one who ended up banging her own head violently on a doorknob during an argument, leaving a huge goose-egg. And that was that: I was outta there.