Husband doesn't want kids

[LoveEK]

My husband and I haven't even been married a year (together almost 5 years) and it feels like we've already been on a roller coaster of emotions.

 

To begin, my husband has never been able to tell me for sure if he's wanted to have kids. It's always been a question mark for him. There is a 5 year age gap between us with him being 35 and me almost 30.

 

I have one eight year old son from a previous relationship and my husband has grown to love him as his own. He has no children of his own but he has also known that I want to have at least one more child.

 

My husband and I tied the knot last May, a couple months later I became pregnant only to find out 12 weeks in that I had miscarried. During that pregnancy my husband seemed to take some interest in the pregnancy and came to terms with the fact that he was going to be a dad to his own child. The miscarriage was hard on both of us. My husband and I decided we were going to give it sometime before trying again (leaving me with hope that there would be another opportunity to try again). Recently (two weeks ago), about 6 months after the miscarriage I brought it up again. My husband told me he no longer wishes to try and have another baby. He says that he's getting older, that the huge age gap between my son and a new baby would create problems down the road (not sure what he's talking about with that) and he's definitely concerned about the financial burden (I'm not) that comes with having another child.

 

At this point, I feel lost. I love him and I wanted to have a little person in our lives that was a part of me and him. I feel like were not on the same page with this, that he has really never wanted to try for kids but was just telling me what I wanted to hear and it concerns me. Something like having children in my opinion should be something you decide on before you get married. Maybe that's my fault for not making sure before hand but I really thought he would come around. I really wish he had made this decision before and it doesn't feel fair that he got me pregnant, witnessed me go through a miscarriage and then give me hope of trying again just to tell me he doesn't.

 

I brought it up again 3 days ago and he's like "we've already talked about this". Our marriage is beginning to feel rocky. I can't stop thinking about babies. There are other little issues going on. Maybe counselling would be a good idea? I guess I'm wondering how others would go about this situation. What should I do next?

Edited April 10, 2019 by iamalwaysme

[Wallysbears]

Do you love your husband or the idea of more children more?

[LoveEK]

Do you love your husband or the idea of more children more?

 

I love my husband very much and I mean I guess with enough time I could get past the fact that I may not have anymore children. I think this is all a tough pill to swallow because he's known I've wanted this since the beginning.

[Wallysbears]

I get it. I really do. Part of me would love more but I can't risk it for health reasons.

 

Maybe your husband just doesn't want to potentially go through another miscarriage?

[bathtub-row]

I'd think that if this were actually so important to you, you would've gotten it straight with him a long time ago. I realize that he held out hope for you after the miscarriage but he was probably placating you because you were sad, and he most likely meant it when he said it. But he has apparently given it thought since then and the reality of having a baby in the house apparently makes him uncomfortable. His age is obviously just an excuse since he's nowhere close to being too old to have children.

 

If I were you, I'd drop it, unless you're willing to go through a divorce. On the other hand, if you keep doing things the way the two of you did before, you could end up pregnant again.

 

Btw, I'm sorry about your miscarriage. Very sad.

[LoveEK]

At this point, knowing how he feels, getting pregnant would be very unsettling because I would always feel deep down he didn't want it. I know I can't force him to have kids. I want it to be something he figures out on his own.

Edited April 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[elaine567]

He was lukewarm to begin with, he never told you he wanted kids, he went along with the oops pregnancy, but 6 months after the miscarriage, he has now said he doesn't ever want kids.

 

I know I can't force him to have kids. I want it to be something he figures out on his own.

 

He HAS figured it out on his own and the conclusion is

1) He feels too old. 35 is not old, but for someone who has never been through the early child rearing years, he may feel he doesn't want the hassle. Kids change lives and maybe he prefers the life he has, rather than have it turned upside down by babies...

2)Your existing son is 12, about to enter the teenage years and I guess a new baby at that time would be a bit of a handful. He maybe thought after your son was grown, he would be free to pursue other things he wants to do

in his forties, not spend the time raising children.

3) the financial costs. He has already taken on one child and if you go down the children route, (one, then two, then ...) he could end up being the main breadwinner for years and years... That may not be how he thought his life would pan out

 

You could drag him to counselling but I guess having spent 35 years child free, he is not going to change his mind now.

[LoveEK]

[My son is 8 as specified in my original post.

Edited April 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[preraph]

You thought he'd "come around"? That really wasn't very respectful. This is a very important thing, so you don't just ignore that he's said he doesn't want kids and pretend it never happened. You can always go have a kid on your own if that's what's important to you. You've already got one, and that big a gap (my sister is 7 years older) isn't going to make them close siblings. The little one will feel like a pest and then the older one will be gone soon leaving the younger feeling behind. So you certainly shouldn't do it for your existing child. Too much age gap, and likely will resent the little one after having been the "only child" for eight years. That's how it worked in my house anyway. Very hostile from the older sister.

 

It's good that he was trying to handle that you oopsed him, just because it shows he's a nice guy, but that is what in the end made him make very clear he really doesn't want a child.

[Mr. Lucky]

To begin, my husband has never been able to tell me for sure if he's wanted to have kids. It's always been a question mark for him.

 

Something like having children in my opinion should be something you decide on before you get married. Maybe that's my fault for not making sure before hand but I really thought he would come around.

 

Guess I'm confused - at your confusion.

 

By your own account, he was at best ambivalent. And yet you married him knowing this, but are now critical of his position since it didn't turn out how you wanted.

 

I understand how you feel, my wife wanted another when our youngest was 10 years old, and had I not been on board it would have been very difficult for her. But you need to extend the same consideration to him. He didn't deceive you as you seem to imply, he's just made a different choice.

 

Hope you don't allow this to become a major issue in your relationship. You've got a wonderful son and good marriage, count your blessings. Many would give much to have either...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fishlips]

Does he not want kids, or is he depressed about the miscarriage? It's sort of hard to tell from your posts. If he's depressed about the miscarriage, then he might change his mind once he feels better. On the other hand, if he truly doesn't want kids and you married him anyway, then unfortunately I don't think there is any way to fix things. Neither one of you is wrong, but this is one of those things that is not negotiable.

 

You already have a child. If you want to stay married, the only thing you can do is accept that. If you can't, then you really have no choice but to find someone who can give you what you want. Like you said, you can't force your husband to give you another child.

[Blanco]

Him taking an interest in things during the pregnancy was probably him doing the right thing a man in his position should do. That shouldn't be conflated with him actively wanting another child.

 

I think you have to decide whether or not you prefer another child or having a husband who has already done something a lot of men would not do and taken on your son as his own. He could've been more firm on his stance on having more kids. But it sounds like you married him despite things being uncertain in that regard, possibly hoping that you could change his mind. Unfortunately, it's usually unwise to get into a serious relationship or marry someone based on who they could be rather than who they already are.

[stillafool]

 

To begin, my husband has never been able to tell me for sure if he's wanted to have kids. It's always been a question mark for him. There is a 5 year age gap between us with him being 35 and me almost 30.

 

 

Don't you think it was your responsibility to get this clarified before you married him? Maybe he thought marrying a woman with a child would relieve him from having to give her a child. If you knew you wanted more children it was your responsibility to make sure you both wanted and agreed to make this happen before you married him.

[BettyDraper]

Expecting someone to change his mind about a dealbreaker was fanciful. I think you need to accept that your husband does not want children.

After all, it's not as if you do not have a child already.

 

I am very sorry about your miscarriage.

 

To prevent an unwanted child being brought into the world, please look into permanent sterilization for you or your husband.

It's not fair to have a child knowing that your partner doesn't want it.

You're setting up the child for a lifetime of feeling unwanted and a potentially destroyed marriage due to resentment.

[Els]

he's definitely concerned about the financial burden (I'm not) that comes with having another child.

 

Could you elaborate more on this? How are the finances like? If you were able to save/earn more, would that sway him either way?