Forgive her?

[kathether]

Hello, me and my girlfriend were together for a year, both being 22, before she left to study abroad through an exchange programme. We were very strong before, open and honest about everything, nothing seemed amiss. So for the first two months apart, nothing was wrong until I found her behavior becoming odd, communication got seriously lacking. I had to drag it out of her and apparently she cheated on me with the same guy twice. There's lots of factors in this situation, good and bad, that make it hard for me to know what to think/feel. The tricky part is, I already had a flight and hotels booked to go visit her, less than a week from now, all paid for.

 

The moment I heard, I dumped her on the spot and brought all her stuff to her mother's place. After a few days of being angry, sad, disappointed, careless, I noticed I kinda still care about her. So over the past few days, we've talked a lot. She doesn't try to hide any part of the story, she takes it serious and puts all cards on the table. She's not trying to defend herself when I get angry with her, she takes it and admits it all. She's feeling regretful and trying hard to get my attention. She wants to do everything to fix things if I'm willing to offer her the chance. She's regretful, told me over and over, if I'd call her right now, she'd be crying. She never cheated in previous relationships and was always the person pushing her cheated-on friends to dump the cheater. She tells me she has lost herself by doing this, and can't forgive her self for it, doesn't know who she is right now. Tells me she feels grateful I even speak with her. I said I might consider to still go see her and give her the chance to convince me she's worthy of having me, and she greatly respects that I could even consider. I'm not trying to make it sound better for myself, but these are all good signs. I asked her if anything was lacking in our relationship before and there was nothing. We had some troubles in bed a long time ago where she wanted me to show more initiative, while I was too stubborn for she herself didn't do it. Maybe subconciously?

 

Now there are some circumstances where it took place. This guy is also an exchange student over there, and already in the first week he made drunken love confessions to her, fully knowing she wasn't single. She refused him each time and also told me about it, which made me feel proud. One night she was very very drunk, she passed out by landing her face on the street. I saw pictures, her face was all bloody. So this guy sort of picks her up, she awakened and somehow ended up in her bed but doesn't remember it happening. This guy sounds like a predatory ********* to me, but she says she just doesn't know if she also flirted or not so she doesn't make it an excuse. The morning after she mostly felt weird, confused, bad and regretful. She didn't tell anyone about what happened, not even her friends and sort of repressed the thought for herself, trying to ignore what happened (that first time really sounds like rape to me, imho). Second time she also had black holes from drinking too much but remembers him kissing her, and her thinking something along the lines of "I already broke something, might as well go with it". She couldn't bear to tell me because she knew it would hit me really hard. When she just got there, she made ME promise to tell her if anything happens, no matter what. Of course I agreed, and made her promise the same thing. So when she turned out to be the one straying, she didn't recognize herself anymore and tried to repress and ignore what happened.

 

That's her story and I still don't know the full entirety of it. Alcohol is no excuse but I think it plays a big role, I've done really stupid things myself purely by being drunk. This guy who takes advantage of drunk girls who lie bleeding on the streets and gets into her head with love confessions is also a factor. She does take full responsibility for her role in this, no excuses with alcohol or this guy. She didn't do it predetermined for sure, even though she cheated, I believe she's being honest. She agreed to block the guy on every medium and to drink less. If things like these happen, it's simply her responsibility to drink less. I'm her first serious relationship, so she isn't quite used to being responsible. The not telling me part is probably the hardest because we were always open to eachother, but I can again understand because for example, I've done some bad illegal stuff in the past which I physically could not tell my dad about, even when caught. In that sense I've been granted lots of second chances in my life, so I do believe in those. She also told me she sees herself getting married to me one day (told that before she left), which at some point freaked her out, knowing this would be it for the remainder of her days. Bad combination with lots of freedom, me not being there, alcohol and pushy scumbags.

 

I'm feeling very conflicted right now because I have to decide wether I'll still go to visit her or not. Part of me still misses her like I've been doing for the past months and would really like to forgive her at some point, because that part of me feels like this was a big mistake on her part, which she fully realizes. The other part of me just isn't convinced she's worth it, if it's worth to still waste time and thoughts on her because I don't know if I would be able to trust her again, especially because she will be away for three more months, stressy enough for me.

 

Is it weak or strong to forgive someone like her? I'm already going down the mental path of forgiveness, my plan right now is to go see her, talk really good. Then decide if it's worth to continue on our planned trip, which would become her chance to prove herself so I can decide on forgiveness in the end. But it's still so fresh, if we'd do that it would take strength to be able to look past it and actually give her the opportunity to make it up. I can't go on the trip with her if I'm going to be sour all the time, that's no use. I can always carry on by myself, no problem. And if I'm to be entirely honest with myself, I just don't know what I myself would be like if I'd be abroad for 6 months. I can't say for sure if I would be able to tell the truth immediately. I've never experienced the temptation like she did. So to be honest: I love her, I can understand the circumstances of it all, am still angry, sort of WANT to forgive but not sure if i CAN. I believe in second chances, they've worked for me, but not thirds.

 

I'd like to hear your thoughts, a word of advice, a personal experience maybe.

I just don't know what to think or feel, which is why I feel like I need to see her in person.

Posting in this subforum because I'd like to hear what women think about all this. Will allowing her back into my life make her lose respect for me, come across weak?

[stillafool]

Oh 22 yes I remember that age.......yes alcohol can lower your inhibitions but also make you act on what you really want to do. The fact that she had sex with this other guy the 2nd time because WTF just doesn't cut it for me. She wanted him and that is the part she left out. Isn't it funny that both times she was drunk it had to be around this guy? I'm sure she feels terrible for hurting you and cheating but I also think you are receiving half truths. I am a woman BTW.

[anika99]

It's fine to forgive her, it's better than carrying anger and bitterness in your heart, but forgiving doesn't mean staying in a relationship that includes cheating. 22 is too young for a lot of people to seriously commit to a relationship. I'm sure your ex cares about you but she also wants to party it up and play the field.

 

She has a drinking problem if she is getting so drunk that she is passing out in the street and injuring herself. If the other guy found her in that condition and had sex with her then he is a rapist, but that's only if her version of the story is true. She had a lot of time to think of a story that would take some of the blame off herself. When people are good at lying they will mix their lies in with lots truths to make it more believable. It's true that she got blackout drunk and passed out in the street, she even has pictures of her injuries to prove it, so by slipping her cheating into the same story it sounds believable and makes her look innocent. Could be true, could be a lie, you will never know and that will make it hard for you to ever trust her again. I think you should set each other free.

[kathether]

Oh 22 yes I remember that age.......yes alcohol can lower your inhibitions but also make you act on what you really want to do. The fact that she had sex with this other guy the 2nd time because WTF just doesn't cut it for me. She wanted him and that is the part she left out. Isn't it funny that both times she was drunk it had to be around this guy? I'm sure she feels terrible for hurting you and cheating but I also think you are receiving half truths. I am a woman BTW.

 

It's that part that really bugs me when I consider forgiveness. Which is why I feel like I need to see her in person so I can really get a good idea. Apparently she only sees this guy in the club or something. Either way, I can always leave her when I'm there and go my own way.

[Mrs._December]

That's her story and I still don't know the full entirety of it.

Likely nor will you ever. That's how cheaters are - they lie, deny, and minimize because covering their own asses is Job #1 - everything else is secondary, including your feelings.

 

Alcohol is no excuse but I think it plays a big role, I've done really stupid things myself purely by being drunk.

Here come the excuses for her bad behavior. You completely disqualified your statement about alcohol the minute you put that 'but' in there. You've got all kinds of excuses for her - the liquor was mostly to blame - TWICE apparently, the guy is a sneaky underhanded predator who preys on women laying face down in the street, he's the underhanded devil who made it all happen, he manipulated her with 'love confessions,' and on and on.

 

By the time you're done, you'll have talked yourself into believing the guy is Satan himself.

 

Everyone is responsible for their OWN choices and behavior.

 

I'm going to repeat that because you seem to have a huge need to blame HER bad choices on anyone but her.

 

Everyone is responsible for their OWN choices and behavior.

 

Once you truly realize that, then you'll be in a position to make an informed decision about whether you want to continue eating the **** sandwich she's served up to you or whether you'd prefer a much healthier diet. My vote will always be for the healthier diet.

[Blind-Sided]

I didn't even need to read all of that. Unfortunately to me... cheaters are cheaters. That wondering eye normally doesn't stop. AND... even if it does... somewhere, in the back of your head... that worry will always be there.

 

 

You are young... just move on, and save yourself real heartache later in life. (after a house, kids, and 20 years together)

 

 

Sorry.

[stillafool]

It's that part that really bugs me when I consider forgiveness. Which is why I feel like I need to see her in person so I can really get a good idea. Apparently she only sees this guy in the club or something. Either way, I can always leave her when I'm there and go my own way.

 

You are right to question this because it's one thing to have been practically "raped" when face down drunk on the street; but to be around this guy drunk, letting him kiss her and have sex with him again is......

[Silver_star]

You both are young, and if she did this to you now and you take her back she is not likely to turn around her behavior completely, she can always blame alcohol for her behavior that hurts you, she is very likely to lose respect for you for taking her back. She is still selfish and figuring out what she wants in life. You are a safety net to her, but not a priority.

 

It's okay to forgive, but you won't forget how she hurt you, and you will resent her in your relationship if you get back with her and hold it over her in little ways, you will always wonder if she goes out is she messing around, and she will feel that too.

She will resent you for her feeling constantly guilty and ashamed about her behavior even if she does change. Move on for the both of you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Forgiving her won't change the fact she's not at a place in her life where she's ready to commit to you to the exclusion of other guys.

[d0nnivain]

If she was home & telling you this with no possibility of seeing this guy that might be one thing but here, no you can't get back together with her or go see her.

 

What are you going to do when you get there? If you fight where would you stay? Do you even know the language? What happens if you see the guy? Criminals laws where ever she is are different from where you're from. Do you really want to end up in a foreign prison because you got angry & punched this guy?

 

Change the ticket. Go somewhere else or save the voucher minus the change / cancelation fee.

[emeraldgreen]

1. Forgive her. That's for you.

2. Block her. That's for you too.

[preraph]

You're both really too young to be trying to stay attached long distance for a lifetime together. You're at the age people need to explore and meet and date other people. Long distance simply doesn't work. Unless it's for only a matter of a few weeks before you're together again, unless you're married or have kids, you should just both date if you want to. Doesn't mean you can't get together later if you're in the same place and neither of you has changed so much as to want to move on from the other.

[justwhoiam]

It's fine to forgive her, it's better than carrying anger and bitterness in your heart, but forgiving doesn't mean staying in a relationship that includes cheating.

That was exactly my first thought when you talked about forgiveness. Anika is right. You can forgive, which means you don't have bad feelings about what she has done or don't hold it against her, but that doesn't imply signing up for this relationship. You can move on from it. You can remain friends, if you're up to it. Or simply wish her well with no bad feelings.

 

 

A woman's perspective? If you end up drunk in the street bleeding from your face, you're totally wasted. And you don't end up like that by chance, unless you trusted someone and they drugged you or something. But that's not her case. She got drunk on her will. I question that more than the cheating. She's got issues. Maybe she's unstable. This is not a movie, it's real life. And I guess you should take distance from that kind of behavior, especially if she's thinking of forming a family.

 

You don't want to find yourself with a baby and such a mom. It's big trouble.

 

 

Also, if you let this go now, at the start of your relationship, you need to be able to put up with it later on, when routine will set in, when you won't stand each other flaws (that usually happens in any couple long-term), when she'll have enough reasons to find distraction and entertainment elsewhere and might find herself with lots of time on her hands and you're out making a living.