Is it unrealistic to try try and be friends??

[Consumed by Sadness]

It appears as though my husband and I are getting a divorce - something that I guess I have come to logically accept, but still can't emotionally believe is happening. We have only been married for 3 years, but dating for 14 - and only 29 now, so essentially grew up together.

 

Things were never really bad in our relationship, just not great either... I felt like we were living more as roommates/best friends (with sex every now and then) rather than husband and wife and wanted that to change. When I brought it up - with every intention of us finally placing more priority and focus on our relationship to make it better - I was completely taken off guard when he said that he didnt think it could be fixed and that he didn't really want to try.

 

We tried counseling for about 3 months - which I believe he agreed to out of guilt and only to allow me some kind of "closure". While in therapy, he said that he still loves me, that I am his best friend, and that he cant imagine his life without me in it -- but right now only wants that to be as a friend, as he just does not believe that we can make each other happy in a marraige. What both the therapist and I were hearing over our sessions was that he basically just did not want to have to put any real effort in. He claims he has been trying and with no success -- although we never once talked about any of it, and I had no idea he was this unhappy. I personally think that he is having a bit of a hard time facing the reality of being an adult, and is having a bit of a quarter life crisis.... He actually made a statement like "I am tired of doing what everyone else wants.. I just want to do what I want, when I want, and not have to worry about what anyone else wants". He also admits that while it may be unrealistic, he believes that a relationship should be passionate and exciting and happy all the time - naturally, just because it is - and should not really require "work".

 

I have tried everything to convince him that we should at least give our relationship the one last chance it deserves - we have a lot of history and both still love each other. I can accept, that in the end, we may have indeed grown apart and are not meant to be together, but I have a hard time accepting that without giving it a real try -- now that we are actually talking about it and hearing what the other person needs/feels etc. But nothing I say will change his mind.

 

I am logical enough to know that if he does not want to make it work, than there is nothing I can do to save this relationship right now. I also know that while it will be hard, I will be "fine" without him - and at some point might very well have a better life for myself without him. Our breakup has been going on for over 6 months now, and while I have had moments of anger, I am not really angry. It is not what I ever would have chosen and just find myself in a constant state of sadness and disappointment, but I know in the end I will be OK - sad at the outcome, but OK.

 

My most recent struggle is figuring out if we really can be friends....

 

Is it crazy to think that this could really happen? Has anyone had a successful friendship with their ex after marraige? I tend to be a very logical person (possibly to a fault so my new therapist says...), and the logical side of me says that if our relationship has never been bad all along and we have been able to exist so well as best friends all these years, why not be able to continue that part of the relationship?? Right now it is hard because I think the part of me that still loves him and is hanging onto the idea of our marraige wants to maintain contact as a last way of hanging on to our marraige and not the friendship, but is it possible to just stay really good friends??? I don't know that there is anyone else in my life that I would want to stay friends with after them hurting me so bad, but then again there is no other "friend" that I have so much history with....

 

Would love to hear anyone's thoughts on this or past experiences - either positive or negative.