SocialDragonfly Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 (edited) My new co-worker (she's just 19 years old) recently got in contact with her long lost father in the beginning of Feb of last year. Her mother raised her into thinking her father is a scumbag that bailed out and left her in the streets when she was pregnant. She was raised to hate her father, to wait until marriage and that most men are only after sex. The real version they broke up long ago, then she found out she was pregnant but never told her ex bf. She thought that it was enough to raise her (my friend) all my herself, without informing him. The guy finds out many years ago and is super pissed that this information was withheld from him. He never knew he had a daughter. When my friend confronted her mother about it, she admitted that it's true that she hid the information from him. Then adviced her that if she's not marrying the guy and gets pregnant to never tell him. The mother thinks that since we women get to carry the baby full term, it's our decision to raise them only without informing the father if we wanted to. Edited April 12, 2019 by SocialDragonfly Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 Yes, very cruel. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 Your friend’s mother is a fruit loop. Not only was it cruel, she made up lies unnecessarily, and shut out the father. So ridiculous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 It seems pretty obviously cruel, so I'm wondering why you're asking, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 I think for it to be counted as 'cruel', we would need to know your friend's mother's original intentions. Whether misguided, misinformed or just plain delusional, if, at the time, she thought that she was acting to protect herself, for example, from familial, societal or social pressure, perhaps to against her will get married or abort, then her decision to give birth and raise her child to the best of her beliefs, knowledge, intellect and means will not be judged, at higher levels, as 'cruel'. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 Ronni, I'm not sure your signature supports your argument. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 LOL, GT. In this case, I detected a perceived 'good' intention (to support the friend perhaps?) behind trying to label the friend's mother's act as 'cruel'. In any case, I do believe that most people think that they are acting from a good intention...even though a lot of times it is that they cannot see where and how it is or potentially can be harmful. Link to post Share on other sites
Youngestdaughter Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 Heinous. Horrible. If your friend is healthy and has a positive or at least fair view of men, it is only by the grace of God. Here's what I don't understand. A woman doesn't have to tell the father she's pregnant. He has no say if she decides to have an abortion. But if she has the baby, he damn sure has to pay child support...which he should. But she can not tell him until the kid's 16 and get back child support. That's crap. Fathers should have rights. They have responsibilities. I think the Y chromosomes get the shaft when it comes to kids. If someone had my baby and didn't tell me, I'd sue her. Of course, I'm a woman. And I have no kids...that I know about...there was that year in the coma Link to post Share on other sites
oceanblue12 Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 Yes, very cruel. I agree with CO as I seem to do a great deal CRUEL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 Yep... this is just another example of someone playing the "Victim" card. Please don't take this the wrong way... but in general... if a woman says she was victimized by a man... people tend to believe her. This is also why when people are looking for a little help in life... there are free programs for women (food, counseling, legal) but there isn't a dam thing for the Men. I know it's too late now for anything real to be done... but I feel there should be laws on the books where a woman should have to pay restitution back to the father for all the lost time. Oh... yes, it's cruel on multiple levels. To the real father, never knowing his kid when she was young. Cruel to the kid who thought her father was a D-bag. Cruel to her psyche being raised to think men are all crap (and may have a hard time changing that in her head)... cruel to every person who the lie got spread to... and cruel to ALL MEN who have to endure the social stigma that is perpetuated by these kinds of lies. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 Yes on hindsight maybe we can say "cruel". But we weren't there we do not know how this apparently wonderful loving father would have reacted 19 years ago. They had already split up, so I guess not particularly well. Add in all the other complications, family, revolving gfs and wives, then it is no guarantee that the child's life would have been any better, had her father been told from day one. Easy now to say he would have been the model father, but he may have ran a mile, or perhaps he would have been the kind of guy who leaves his daughter waiting at the window for visits and outings that never materialise... I cannot really blame some women for taking charge of their kids and blocking out some fathers from their lives.as otherwise it can make for very chaotic childhoods, with guys who are not really ready for parenthood. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 Easy now to say he would have been the model father, but he may have ran a mile, or perhaps he would have been the kind of guy who leaves his daughter waiting at the window for visits and outings that never materialise... I cannot really blame some women for taking charge of their kids and blocking out some fathers from their lives.as otherwise it can make for very chaotic childhoods, with guys who are not really ready for parenthood. Nice that you create this hypothetical deadbeat dad to justify mom's immoral and unethical choice. Typical "straw man" approach... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 Nice that you create this hypothetical deadbeat dad to justify mom's immoral and unethical choice. Typical "straw man" approach... Mr. Lucky Merely trying to balance the argument away from the "cruel Mom" stance. We don't know all the circumstances here. But the fact the father didn't even realise his ex was pregnant or if he did he still stayed away or the mother decided not to tell him, does not indicate a great basis for a successful co-parenting arrangement anyway. She did what she thought was best at the time, she no doubt had her reasons, who are we to say she was "cruel", we weren't there... Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 Yes on hindsight maybe we can say "cruel". But we weren't there we do not know how this apparently wonderful loving father would have reacted 19 years ago. They had already split up, so I guess not particularly well. Add in all the other complications, family, revolving gfs and wives, then it is no guarantee that the child's life would have been any better, had her father been told from day one. Easy now to say he would have been the model father, but he may have ran a mile, or perhaps he would have been the kind of guy who leaves his daughter waiting at the window for visits and outings that never materialise... I cannot really blame some women for taking charge of their kids and blocking out some fathers from their lives.as otherwise it can make for very chaotic childhoods, with guys who are not really ready for parenthood. So what do we do when the mother isn't ready to parent? There are plenty of them around. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 LOL, GT. In this case, I detected a perceived 'good' intention (to support the friend perhaps?) behind trying to label the friend's mother's act as 'cruel'. In any case, I do believe that most people think that they are acting from a good intention...even though a lot of times it is that they cannot see where and how it is or potentially can be harmful. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 Nice that you create this hypothetical deadbeat dad to justify mom's immoral and unethical choice. Typical "straw man" approach... Mr. Lucky I agree 100%. Right now, we don't know why they broke up all those years ago. Was it him, was it her? Was it really just a "hook-up" and there wasn't a relationship at all? The only facts we have from this conversation is that the mother LIED about the truth. To me... that points a moral compass to the innocent. The reason I'm taking this to heart at this point is... I'm in the middle of it. Not to mention, I've been "The guy" on the end of the imaginary relationship, and seen where that could lead. In collage, There was a girl who was chasing me. I never led her on in anyway, but when she found out I started "Dating" my STBxW... she went on a downward spiral to the point where you would have thought I had been dating her for a long time, and cheated on her. But the truth be told... I don't think I had even given her a friendly hug. No real info... just have first hand knowledge of how the mind makes you believe things that aren't the truth to save one's ego. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 Merely trying to balance the argument away from the "cruel Mom" stance. We don't know all the circumstances here. So since we don't know all the circumstances, you'd be OK with the dad kidnapping the infant and taking her to another country to be raised, right? After all, mom could have turned out to be a neglectful parent and the father could simply be providing a stable environment for the child. Most people understand parental alienation benefits no one. And absent adoption or some other legal arrangement, a child has a right to both parents... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SocialDragonfly Posted April 14, 2019 Author Share Posted April 14, 2019 (edited) Some of the lady's friends are upset with the lies they've been fed. In addition, my friend is still processing all this. In regards to the break-up, from information I know: - The lady breaks it up after failing to change the guy's stance about getting married. It seems he was ok with just a relationship and she knew it all along but thought he would change. They argued and she dumps him. - The following month, she finds out about the pregnancy but hides it and makes up the story of being abandoned, raises daughter into hating her father. According to my friend, her mother still believes that it's ok to hide it from the father if the woman isn't gonna marry him. Edited April 14, 2019 by SocialDragonfly Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 According to my friend, her mother still believes that it's ok to hide it from the father if the woman isn't gonna marry him. Maybe that needs changed into "According to my friend, her mother still believes that it's ok to hide it from the father if the man isn't gonna marry her." Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 According to my friend, her mother still believes that it's ok to hide it from the father if the woman isn't gonna marry him. At this point, that may just be one of the mother's forms of coping and protecting herself to not feel guilty about her many-years-ago decision. (Not saying that this is a helpful, healthy or constructive stance, only that it is one possibility for why the mother is maintaining her view on this.) Perhaps your friend might try a different approach altogether, and ask her mom how she felt about everything way back then, and how she feels about it today. Did she feel supported, protected, accepted back then, or shame, humiliation and guilt; does she, now? Link to post Share on other sites
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