Got my stuff from ex's apartment, he was there and revealed some things

[bluesunflower]

So I finally got the strength to unpack all my bags from my ex's apartment that have been on my couch for a few days. To my surprise, I found a very heartfelt card that I wrote to him two months ago in the bag, which I did to him the first time we broke up. It felt like a little jab but I guess it was fair since I did it first.

 

Anyway, this final decision to cut off ties completely and get my stuff came from the fact that he found out I had slept with someone else during one of our off periods. (for the past year, we were never a couple, he told me he never wanted to be exclusive with me again after ending things officially after six months) Because I had lied for a month when he asked me if I had slept with a guy he knew I was talking to and going on dates with, he went off on me and told me he wanted nothing to do with me. I've apologized, felt bad for lying, but did the most that I could.

 

During the time that I went over to get my stuff, he asked to see my phone to see how long he was being "made a fool of" and see what I was saying to people. I shook him off three times, knowing it was a ridiculous request, but as he always does, he wore me down. I stupidly handed my phone over and for 20 minutes sat in silence as he scoffed and scrolled.

 

I don't know why I did it. It made me realize how much control I had let this man have over me for a year and a half and I am sad I let it get to that point.

 

I also learned this through him bluntly telling me: my friend group (minus one) had took his side. I have explained in previous threads that we share a friend group and I met them through him when we were actually dating. Because of their loyalty to him, and perhaps they think I was in the wrong or a whore or whatever, I have been shut out. When trying to feel them out over vague texts afterwards, it was confirmed my ex was not lying. They did not have my back even a little bit. In fact, they broke my heart more than he did. Despite defending me constantly over the year, pointing out his awful behavior, and validating my feelings, they threw me under the bus and said hurtful things about me. I've learned a lot about friendship and backstabbing in the last few days, and it made me genuinely want to do better and not be like them.

 

The last few days have been rough. I've been keeping myself very busy and hanging out with a few different friends that I trust, not in that friend group. However, I cannot seem to feel happy. I know this happens with breakups - it is so difficult to enjoy the things you normally do.

 

I know this is a good step - getting my stuff from his apartment and basically having an excuse to leave the friend group (even if that's not what I wanted). It feels like a healthy life change, it just will be a very lonely one.

 

I'm not really here for advice, but I wouldn't say no and I also love hearing people's experiences - it always makes me feel less alone. So if anyone wants to share times they picked up stuff from their's ex's place or vice versa I'd definitely like to read about it.

 

Hope it gets easier soon.

[preraph]

In my old crowd, it would have been hard to not see each other and there was an extended friend group who all went to the same gigs, etc. So you learned to deal with it or stayed home when you weren't up to it. Usually I made myself go out of stubbornness. I'd throw on my motivational David Bowie album and get looking as good as possible and plaster on a smile and go. And I'm glad I did.

 

Yes, there were some very hard times. Once right after a horrible breakup, I had to walk right past him to get to the ladies' room and on the way back, he says, I can't believe you're going to walk right by and not say anything (he slept with my old friend/roommate). I said, I thought it was best. Jesus. He didn't realize the import of what he'd done for some time, until someone explained it to him.

 

Another time I'm at a party and sitting with some cute guys on the floor and he comes in and I can't even think or breathe and didn't even remember the guys when they came into my store soon after. It's hard.

 

Another bf was in a band, and if the band is tight with each other, they'll cold-shoulder you, and I was friends with all of them. I was lucky they all didn't, but they definitely had to not be overly chummy with me in loyalty to him. It was never the same with them again. But honestly, I thought they'd completely lock me out, from what I'd seen with some of their exes.

 

It didn't help that during that time period, I'd lost two of my closest people to them moving and was pretty short on close friends because of that. Plus it made the local band scene dry up some and go through a depressing period.

 

On the plus side, when some of my male acquaintances heard about the breakup/cheating, they felt bad for me and kind of came out of the woodwork just casually and suddenly were taking me to dinner and kind of taking care of me. None of them were the one right person, but between them all, they kept me from falling too far into depression by just being there for me and stepping up.

 

 

At the same time, a new girl was wanting to be my friend and entered my life, and she's still there, when she's not too busy with family, 40 years later.

 

So tides change. They wash some people away and bring new ones if you're lucky.

 

Keep putting yourself out there. Don't let him and the friend loyalty situation stop you from doing everything you want to do socially. It's up to you to not make it their problem by not bringing up the problems and talking to them about it and showing them you're quickly and cheerfully moving on. Really, it's best to put on a good face and just walk right into the room. People respect you for it and they're secretly grateful you're not making it their problem if they're that close to him.

[basil67]

I'm so glad you recognised your ex's manipulative ways. It must have been horrible at the time...and even worse when you found he still had his power even after you'd broken up. But at least you can recognise it...which is the first step to making yourself stronger in future.

 

It's sucky about losing his friends. But it's normal for good friends to be loyal to the one who came first even if they know that their original friend was part of (or all of) the problem. One of my BFFs is in a marriage breakup at present. Her ex did nothing wrong...she's just needed to move on for various reasons. As much as I feel really bad for her ex, my loyalty stays with the one who was the friend first. He's reaching out on FB at present and as much as I hate holding distance between him and myself, being a support person to both of them would compromise me too much. My first friend comes first.

[minimariah2]

Hope it gets easier soon.

 

it does.

 

first couple of days, weeks, months... are always rough. sometimes, it will be fine & you'll feel like you're making a progress and you'll suddenly get hit by this sense of sadness, grief, disappointment... brush it off and keep moving. you learned a lot from this experience and that's an excellent thing.

 

keep persisting, keep yourself occupied, ask for help if needed, do not suffer in silence and strengthen your other friendships. you'll be fine.

[Highndry]

Don't lie. It's never good.

[guest569]

It's sucky about losing his friends. But it's normal for good friends to be loyal to the one who came first even if they know that their original friend was part of (or all of) the problem.

 

I agree. I don't think you should feel so bad or betrayed by this, as they're just looking out for the one they were friends with first. It's hard and awkward to stay in with the exes friendship group, knowing he is feeding them his version of events. Staying in touch with the friends probably makes the breakup harder anyway, so find new ones.

[bluesunflower]

 

Keep putting yourself out there. Don't let him and the friend loyalty situation stop you from doing everything you want to do socially. It's up to you to not make it their problem by not bringing up the problems and talking to them about it and showing them you're quickly and cheerfully moving on. Really, it's best to put on a good face and just walk right into the room. People respect you for it and they're secretly grateful you're not making it their problem if they're that close to him.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your story! It was great getting someone's firsthand experience with a situation like this. Since being on/off with this guy, I have always adopted the "just go" mantra like you. This came to be when after our first initial breakup, I debated going to a party he was at to my therapist and she told me that she would be mad if I did not go - that I should not sacrifice my friends or fun because of one guy.

 

As much as I loved that advice and stuck to it, it does kind of change when you find out the whole group is not your biggest fan. We did hang out this weekend (we had an event to go to that I did not want to eat the $40 cost for missing) and weirdly, it was not tense between my ex and I, but was incredibly tense between my friends and I. I'm thinking it is because my ex and I are so used to being mad at each other and having off/on periods that we have quicker adaption times.

 

I will have to do a lot of thinking about what I want to do. I feel uncomfortable and want to talk to my friends individually about it, but also feel incredibly weary and know that it could backfire. After learning this past weekend that my ex has already hooked up with someone else, I'm not super inclined to hang out with this group and feel upset for multiple reasons. Although I love their company, and am terrified to spend weekends completely alone, I may have to take a break from them for a few weeks. I haven't completely decided yet.

 

I am happy to hear that your guy friends stepped up and helped you out when you needed it. That was definitely the reaction that I was hoping for, but life always does seem to surprise me and it turned in the other direction. Maybe one day we will all be okay with each other and it will be sorted out, it just seems like it will take some time.

[bluesunflower]

I'm so glad you recognised your ex's manipulative ways. It must have been horrible at the time...and even worse when you found he still had his power even after you'd broken up. But at least you can recognise it...which is the first step to making yourself stronger in future.

 

It's sucky about losing his friends. But it's normal for good friends to be loyal to the one who came first even if they know that their original friend was part of (or all of) the problem. One of my BFFs is in a marriage breakup at present. Her ex did nothing wrong...she's just needed to move on for various reasons. As much as I feel really bad for her ex, my loyalty stays with the one who was the friend first. He's reaching out on FB at present and as much as I hate holding distance between him and myself, being a support person to both of them would compromise me too much. My first friend comes first.

 

Thank you for your response! I totally get the feeling to stick by your friend - I guess I was just upset since we are all friends and they have actually taken my side more often than his. However, most people, myself included, will talk behind people's backs and end up bashing both sides in the process. So I've learned that the times that I was convinced they had taken my side, they most likely were also talking to my ex and backing him up.

 

I am happy to have one person in the friend group take my side and stick by me, I guess I should be thankful to at least have one. It makes me feel like I will not lose my mind completely.

[preraph]

Don't give up your territory. Take a break for a week if you need to. Don't stay gone so long people notice and start talking. The good thing is you don't have to go out every day. Just make an appearance once a week until you feel better. It would be sad if zero friends supported you. If you have old friends of your own, reach out to them. If you have any "sort of" friends who might want to go out, ask them.

 

I don't recommend speaking one on one about the breakup to any of those friends of his. It will only prolong the drama. I may have written it confusing up there, but I think it's best to be cheerful with them and avoid talking about him or it. Less drama.

Edited April 16, 2019 by preraph

[bluesunflower]

Don't give up your territory. Take a break for a week if you need to. Don't stay gone so long people notice and start talking. The good thing is you don't have to go out every day. Just make an appearance once a week until you feel better. It would be sad if zero friends supported you. If you have old friends of your own, reach out to them. If you have any "sort of" friends who might want to go out, ask them.

 

I don't recommend speaking one on one about the breakup to any of those friends of his. It will only prolong the drama. I may have written it confusing up there, but I think it's best to be cheerful with them and avoid talking about him or it. Less drama.

 

This is great advice! A week or so after I had last responded on this thread, our friend group did split between us. We have not all hung out for about five weeks, which is so weird since we used to spend the majority of each weekend together. But I still have the support of two. And I definitely have been staying away from talking about him to my friends. I only slipped up one time since then, and luckily it was pretty short and it was just to clear up a lie that my ex had said about me. Otherwise, I have steered clear of talking about him. It actually makes me feel better anyway to not talk about him with them; it makes me think about him less which I am trying to do.

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you are improving day by day.

 

Going forward when you meet somebody though a SO, you must assume no matter how much time you spend with that person, that any "friend" you met through the SO will side with the SO after a break up. The person may never be rude to you, but they also won't be there for you.

 

For example, I have become very good friends with the wives of some of the men my husband served in the military with. Obviously if we got a divorce, the bothers in arms and their wives would remain his friends & I would be cut out. It's not personal. It's just the way things are.

[bluesunflower]

I'm glad you are improving day by day.

 

Going forward when you meet somebody though a SO, you must assume no matter how much time you spend with that person, that any "friend" you met through the SO will side with the SO after a break up. The person may never be rude to you, but they also won't be there for you.

 

For example, I have become very good friends with the wives of some of the men my husband served in the military with. Obviously if we got a divorce, the bothers in arms and their wives would remain his friends & I would be cut out. It's not personal. It's just the way things are.

 

I have some good and bad days but thank you! And yes, it would be really silly for me to think that each one would take my side. I guess I just thought more of them would stick up for me since they always did in the past (even if it was never really when he was around, of course.) This is a lesson learned though and I can take this with me in a future relationship.

[Inspire]

How did he find out about this hookup you had with this other guy?

 

On one hand, he has no claims to make. You two were broken up. On the other hand, If you were "misleading" and were trying to reconcile then I could understand why he may have reacted as he did. Nothing says: "let's reconcile" better than sleeping with someone else, right? (obvious sarcasm)

 

I think more of this has to do with you sleeping with someone else and less about actually lying to him. He just needs to get over that.

[preraph]

I just have to bring this up. Why would you keep all that on your phone instead of deleting it? I'll never understand why people think they need to hang onto texts and emails, especially when they're talking about private things.

[PegNosePete]

This is why you should never ever go and have a chat, cup of tea, etc when you pick up stuff from an ex.

 

Just exchange boxes over the threshold and leave. If he tries to talk just say you have no interest in talking and just want to get your stuff and leave.

[fromheart]

Got as far as him looking through your phone.

 

If someone asks to look through your phone, you dump them on the spot. It means they are abusive and controlling.

[The Outlaw]

I'm sorry, and I know all too well the feeling of being backstabbed and thrown under the bus, but that's what made me who I am today. But with as much as this may hurt to hear, trust me, you're FAR better off without any of them in your lives. His friends probably know him well enough to know who he really is, they just lack the spine to think or say otherwise. And easier said than done, but words can hurt, but don't let them. When they said what they did, they also spoke volumes about who they are. Cowards, plain and simple. Try to forget about everyone and do what's best for you. Do what makes you happy, and take it one day at a time.

[bluesunflower]

How did he find out about this hookup you had with this other guy?

 

On one hand, he has no claims to make. You two were broken up. On the other hand, If you were "misleading" and were trying to reconcile then I could understand why he may have reacted as he did. Nothing says: "let's reconcile" better than sleeping with someone else, right? (obvious sarcasm)

 

I think more of this has to do with you sleeping with someone else and less about actually lying to him. He just needs to get over that.

 

The revelation is an interesting story that I left out because it seemed irrelevant but I'll give a little summary. According to my ex, I got very drunk and admitted all of this to him in some kind of drunken confession. He confronted me after I had woken up to him staring at me in a chair across the room at around 4 am, super confused. I did not remember a single thing. And I have never blacked out before, and certainly not from 2 rum & cokes.

 

But, that's his story. My theory is that I fell asleep (because it was 2:30 in the morning and I've had a few drinks) and he looked through my phone and found my conversations about the hook up. He knew my password, and he recounted every detail of the hook up that I wouldn't dream of telling him, drunk or not.

 

I was always trying to reconcile so perhaps I was in the wrong. However, like I said in the post, he made it clear in the whole year we were together that we were never "exclusive." So it was a dumb, blurry line and I could see it going either way. But I will take responsibility for lying as it is never good to lie and it put me in a lot of trouble.

 

And yes, that is what me and everyone else thought about it, too. He just has always had an issue with owning his emotions so instead of saying he was upset about the fact I had slept with somebody else, he was saving face by saying he was upset by a lie.

[bluesunflower]

I just have to bring this up. Why would you keep all that on your phone instead of deleting it? I'll never understand why people think they need to hang onto texts and emails, especially when they're talking about private things.

 

I have never deleted a message before - probably all of my texts dating back to high school are in my phone especially with iCloud. It's just something I never consciously thought of until this happened.

[bluesunflower]

This is why you should never ever go and have a chat, cup of tea, etc when you pick up stuff from an ex.

 

Just exchange boxes over the threshold and leave. If he tries to talk just say you have no interest in talking and just want to get your stuff and leave.

 

Agreed. It would have saved me a lot of stress and embarrassment. If (god forbid) I have to move out of another ex's place down the road I am not doing it like this. Maybe we can just leave each other's things on the porch or something. It's just not worth the drama.

[bluesunflower]

Got as far as him looking through your phone.

 

If someone asks to look through your phone, you dump them on the spot. It means they are abusive and controlling.

 

Yeah, I agree. I still can't believe I handed my phone over. It made me feel so powerless. And I even thought about that, about it being abusive and controlling, and just ignored it. I hope I never get to that point ever again.