Resentful or not??

[Sumfun]

I've been on this thread for probably a month.. I'm sure there are many similar to me...I've been married for 30 years.. kids are 26 and 28 and have left the house and are successful on their own. I'm trying to determine whether to leave or stay.. I'm 61 yo male and wife is 58.

 

Our intimacy use to be great and often. But we've not had sexual intercourse in over 15 years. Our sex life before kids (BKS) was excellent. It was passionate and sexual.. but once the 2nd kid came, it was over. There were so many nights I would initiate, but only to be told no, I'm too tired, NO, quit trying to have sex, etc.. I remember feeling so rejected.. no matter whether it was morning, noon, or night, it was a NO.. I"m too tired..

 

At the time, I would turn away feeling rejected and angry wishing that I wish I would no longer desire this woman.. I knew then I would regret this wish.. many years later, I sill feel these feelings. I'm resentful that my wife doesn't want intimacy and at the same time I miss the intimacy of my partner. initiated marriage counseling hoping that would wake her up, but it didn't.

 

I'm afraid it would destroy kids in getting a divorce. i would also have to write a huge check if we got a divorce, but at this point, i'm sooo unhappy.. do i disappoint my kids and write a huge check or just stick it out? she seems to have her head in the sand and prefers to pretend there is no problem..

Edited April 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

You stayed and took it so you accepted it. 15 years!!!! Wow

 

I got news for you. You can read books, do all the chores, buy flowers, etc, etc, etc. nothing is going to change. Rinse, repeat. She doesn't care. Don't you get that?

 

No magic here. You are the only one keeping yourself in this. No one else had the power to do that but you.

 

You were at the peak of life when this started and probably lived on Hopium thinking it would get better.

 

Divorce her, get a girlfriend or live out the rest of your days like you have been.

[Marc878]

It's not normal and there is zero excuse for 15 years without intimacy in a marriage.

[Poutrew]

Wow. Just plain wow. 15 years... I'd say you have done your time. Alternatively, you can get some outside of the marriage. Get yourself a mistress. But don't be sneaky about it. Let your wife know exactly what you are up to. What's the worst that can happen - that she'd divorce you? In your case, that's not a downside. I'd bet she would even tolerate it because it means her lifestyle will not be impacted as it most surely would be after a divorce. But, she doesn't have to like it - she caused it by falling down on the job a wife needs to do. One way or another, the time for action is NOW, not once you are too old and sick for fulfillment. Good luck.

[shydad]

we've not had sexual intercourse in over 15 years. ... initiated marriage counseling hoping that would wake her up, but it didn't. ... do i disappoint my kids and write a huge check or just stick it out?

Hi Sumfun, there is critical information missing here. Assuming your wife loves you and you otherwise have a good marriage, the answer to this problem is to talk about it. Marriage counseling is a wonderful setting to have such a discussion. Did you explain, before and during the counseling that your intention was to discuss intimacy problems? Assuming that you did explain this, then what happened? The counselor should have had a very active role guiding an in depth discussion. You should have learned from your wife why this has been a problem, and the counselor should have suggested a plan which would lead to a solution. Can you please explain more about the counseling?

[elaine567]

Wow. Just plain wow. 15 years... I'd say you have done your time. Alternatively, you can get some outside of the marriage. Get yourself a mistress. But don't be sneaky about it. Let your wife know exactly what you are up to.

 

Great idea, so then not only would he be getting a divorce and "destroying" his kids and writing a huge check, but he would also be seen as a scummy low life cheater who is sleeping with some "floosy" and has made their mother very sad...

Happy families...

 

OP if sex is that important to you then forget the mistress, just get a divorce and try to find a woman who does want to have sex with you... May or may not be easy actually.

 

I can't imagine after 15 years any wife deciding suddenly to have sex with you, not a woman who sees you day in and day out anyway.

That sudden change of habit doesn't tend to happen.

She is not really putting her head in the sand, to her there is no problem. The marriage continues as is, but sex is simply off the menu.

The time for action was a long, long, long time ago.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She is not really putting her head in the sand, to her there is no problem. The marriage continues as is, but sex is simply off the menu.

The time for action was a long, long, long time ago.

 

Agree. Sex is not important to her. Sounds like she lost her sex drive a long time ago and has no desire to get it back. Unfortunately, OP, the same did not happen for you . I doubt she's going to suddenly desire sex (with you or anyone else) after 15 years.

 

Has she had a lot of problems related to menopause?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm afraid it would destroy kids in getting a divorce. i would also have to write a huge check if we got a divorce, but at this point, i'm sooo unhappy.. do i disappoint my kids and write a huge check or just stick it out? she seems to have her head in the sand and prefers to pretend there is no problem..

 

One of the oldest jokes around goes something like this:

 

Q - Why is divorce so expensive?

 

A - Because it's so worth it.

 

By the tone of your post, you already know the answer. There is no reason to live the rest of your life rejected, resentful and miserable. And you're exaggerating the effect of divorce on adult children, I'd guess they already understand the unhappiness and tension in your relationship just being around you for the last 15 years.

 

A "mistress" just adds new layers of complication to an already difficult situation. Sounds like your wife has made up her mind, you should do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Guildford]

I believe in ultimatums, but you had better mean it. Tell your wife that if your sex life does not begin again within a set date, you will begin looking for sex elsewhere. Tell her that during the intervening time, you will discuss any issue at any time she likes.

 

This is not cheating since you are laying your cards on the table. Is it cheating if we sit down to play poker, and I say, "Before we start, I must tell you that the deck is marked, I deal off the bottom of the deck and I have a few aces up my sleeve. Lets play poker."

 

I believe that in a monogamous marriage, both parties have a duty to abstain from sex with others and a duty to have sex with their partner to the extent that it is physically possible. Either violation of the oath for monogamy would justify extramarital sex by the other.

 

Good luck with whatever course of action you select.

[giotto]

You have waited 15 years? You were 46 last time you had sex with your wife? Your "kids" are 26 and 28... would they really be destroyed if you explained to them why you are leaving? Come on!

 

The mistress is a very bad idea. If you really want to destroy your kids, just do that. Unfortunately, you waited far too long to address the problem. With me it's been 15 months and I'm ready to walk out... You only have one life... you are 61, try and live it to the full now, if you can.

 

Also, I don't really see how you can restore intimacy with a woman who has ignored your needs for 15 years. I would have a mountain of resentment.

 

But we know why you are not leaving... it's that big fat cheque...

[Rotaglia]

As detailed in this postI am in a similar boat have gone the last 17 months of a 22-year marriage without sex. It's awful.

 

My attempts to engage my wife in a loving discussion about what's happened to our sex life and how to regain it have been met with stonewalling, tears, and/or threats of separation. She says she's ambivalent about the relationship. Meanwhile, no attempt to accommodate my needs: no touching, no oral, no acknowledgement of my sexual needs or her own.

 

I’ve considered leaving but I love my wife and just want some kind of ongoing sexual connection with her so the marriage is survivable. I probably need to bring it up again. At least by now I am so fed up that I no longer fear her reaction. It’s not like she can do anything that I would be afraid of (filing for divorce is fine with me if she wants to do that though it is not my preference).

[treehugger12]

You guys are not alone, except it’s the other way around with me, my husband is the one that lost interest years ago, been together 25 years. I have felt disconnected from him for years, I got so tired of being rejected that I finally gave up. Talk about lowering my self esteem. I got tired of feeling that way about myself so I really got in shape, got out of the frump look, still didn’t change anything with my husband but a least I feel better about myself. My best friend and her husband are they same, husband lost interest. It’s been years since her husband has touched her and she too is an attractive woman. Do couples just get bored with each other at the 20 year mark? I too have thought about divorce for years, no children, no debt, we make the same $, would be a pretty easy split but I can’t seem to do it. We get along great, just live like roommates. Honestly at this point, I wouldn’t mind having an open marriage.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You guys are not alone, except it’s the other way around with me, my husband is the one that lost interest years ago, been together 25 years. I have felt disconnected from him for years, I got so tired of being rejected that I finally gave up. Talk about lowering my self esteem. I got tired of feeling that way about myself so I really got in shape, got out of the frump look, still didn’t change anything with my husband but a least I feel better about myself. My best friend and her husband are they same, husband lost interest. It’s been years since her husband has touched her and she too is an attractive woman. Do couples just get bored with each other at the 20 year mark? I too have thought about divorce for years, no children, no debt, we make the same $, would be a pretty easy split but I can’t seem to do it. We get along great, just live like roommates. Honestly at this point, I wouldn’t mind having an open marriage.

 

Have you tried to talk to your husband about it? Is it a lack of sex drive entirely for him? I think there is more (medicinally) they can do for men than women in this regard if he desires to change this.

[standtall]

OP, your situation is a classic. The wife puts the kids( who grow up and leave eventually) first...before the marriage. Then, a big surprise is waiting when the kids become older teenagers and off into their world, there is nothing left of the marriage. The spouses are the base of the family pyramid...without that, the family falls apart.

 

Be honorable...divorce her, then start with someone else...you will be judged later by your children one this point when they are adults.

 

On last thing.. you did not destroy your family...your wife already let it crumble.

[elaine567]

On last thing.. you did not destroy your family...your wife already let it crumble.

 

Yes but nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it. His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family. Hence why his family remains intact after 15 years of no sex.

By filing for divorce, he would be actively splitting it apart.

[Marc878]

Yes but nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it. His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family. Hence why his family remains intact after 15 years of no sex.

By filing for divorce, he would be actively splitting it apart.

 

IMO it's ludicrous to expect anyone to live in a sexless marriage. Unless you're a monk

 

He should have divorced her 14 years ago before wasting 15 years of life on this stupidity.

[elaine567]

He should have divorced her 14 years ago before wasting 15 years of life on this stupidity.

Agreed.

The time to bring it all up for consideration and discussion was after 15 days of no sex or repeated refusal with no obvious understandable reason, not after 15 years.

BUT family is important and to some family vs sex = family wins every time, so I kind of get it. It was no waste, no stupidity, just reality

[Marc878]

Agreed.

The time to bring it all up for consideration and discussion was after 15 days of no sex or repeated refusal with no obvious understandable reason, not after 15 years.

BUT family is important and to some family vs sex = family wins every time, so I kind of get it. It was no waste, no stupidity, just reality

 

i know many who regret staying but see none who regret leaving

[elaine567]

i know many who regret staying but see none who regret leaving

 

Not easy I guess to admit that blowing up a long marriage was a wrong decision.

Better for the ego to stick by that decision...

[Marc878]

Not easy I guess to admit that blowing up a long marriage was a wrong decision.

Better for the ego to stick by that decision...

 

Cutting off sex in a marriage blew it up. OP just finally woke up to reality and did the smart thing.

 

You must be asexual correct? You are in a sexless marriage?

 

You don't understand men much at all.

[loversquarrel]

Yes but nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it. His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family. Hence why his family remains intact after 15 years of no sex.

By filing for divorce, he would be actively splitting it apart.

 

Yeah...no. She's been actively destroying the marriage for 15yrs. It's called neglect and I can guarantee if this behavior happened previous to marriage, there would be no marriage. I wouldn't blame a man or a woman for leaving such a horrible situation, in fact I feel bad for people that waste many years of their lives in the hopes that things will change.

[Rotaglia]

IMO, a lot of hasty divorces later regretted arise from a lack of communication. The couple can't or won't convey what's really bothering them or what they are will to do to accommodate the other so out of frustration they separate or file for dissolution of the marriage. A lot of people refuse to consider marriage counseling (my wife has) to their detriment.

 

Talk to your spouse in a kind, loving, respectful, patient way and really listen to him/her and try not to argue excessively, just attempt to understand where he or she is coming from.

[FMW]

Your children are adults, you did your job and they are grown.

 

Life is short. Do you want to spend the rest of your years the way you've spent the last 15? It's natural to want/need sex and intimacy. Denying it, to me, is breaking your marital vows and causes emotional issues for the one being denied.

 

Don't have an affair. That's a whole other level of misery you don't want to find out about. Try one last time to talk to her and tell her that this is where you are at - considering divorce. It probably won't change anything at this point, but then she can't say she was blindsided.

[elaine567]

OP just finally woke up to reality and did the smart thing.

 

The OP at this point in time has done exactly nothing, he is merely pondering.

[mark clemson]

Yes but nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it. His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family. Hence why his family remains intact after 15 years of no sex.

By filing for divorce, he would be actively splitting it apart.

 

 

Elaine, as much as I agree with your prior post just a few up, I have to disagree with this. Maybe not actively, but she most certainly is passively splitting it apart. He's just been more able than some to tolerate this.

 

OP, I think your role in all this has been to accept this for as long as you have. The time to start addressing it was 14.75 years ago IMO.

 

The suggestion to take on a mistress, while understandable at some level, is very ill-advised IMO. Divorce before you move on - doing otherwise will almost certainly just make things much more of a headache in the medium and/or long term. Quite possibly it would lead to divorce when discovered.

 

My advice would be to get very clear in your own head what you will and won't accept from your wife and then take action. It's a little late to be accusatory, but explain that you have gone without your needs being met met for far too long and that that needs to change. IMO you should lay your cards on the table that divorce is an option. Suggest you be prepared to go a bit slow at first with getting reacquainted with intimacy if she is amenable. I suspect unfortunately that she won't be and that you will need to divorce.

 

Possibly she will give you the option to have a mistress (somewhat different from you giving yourself that option). Everyone is a little different - I suspect it would lead to divorce sooner or later, if/when you actually pursue this, as she would be offended at some level - but I could be wrong.

 

If you're simply not willing to divorce, believe you will have to continue living with this.

 

IMO you should also consider speaking to an attorney to find out if you are in a no-fault state and if not, are there any ramifications to her denying you sex for this long and/or to you having a mistress even with "permission".