Lostwithouther1980 Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 Basically my wife and I had a lot of problems last year culminating in us separating in October, her choice not mine. I did the whole giving her space and time to try work things out it didn’t work. I then pleaded and begged for a chance to try and work it out but still nothing back from her, ended up buying another house whilst she stays in the marital home with the kids etc. About 2 months ago I met someone else who absolutely adores me and talks about a future together etc As it was starting to get serious out of respect I told my wife, she broke down in tears on the phone saying she was heartbroken etc, we ended up meeting up and talking where she told me she was jealous, still loved me etc etc and we ended up sleeping together a couple of times which we both agreed was great and like the good days we had. I thought this meant we’d be trying again but she is very non commital and tells me she needs timeand space to decide if it’s what she wants and can get past the issues we had. I just don’t understand it, we’ve been married nearly 6 years and together for 16 years. I’m now torn on what to do as the last 6 months have been the worst of my life and I just want to try and move on together and be happy. Why does it feel like she is just stringing me along? I’m very much an all or nothing type of person. Why won’t she commit to saving our marriage? What do I do? I really want to make a go of our marriage but I don’t know how much longer I can take being left hanging 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 She wants to go but is afraid and she is keeping you as a safety net. Tell her it is past time for her decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostwithouther1980 Posted April 15, 2019 Author Share Posted April 15, 2019 She wants to go but is afraid and she is keeping you as a safety net. Tell her it is past time for her decision. See I don’t think she does want to go, she clearly deep down wants to try but due to issues in the past she’s being very guarded and non commital but the more she is like that the new I’m now starting to feel anxious and tel her I love her and want to make it work which in turn makes her pull back, we are on a vicious circle. I truly love my wife and want to make it work but not sure how much I can take this being in limbo. She keeps saying we are not together and won’t commit to anything. It’s totally messing with my head 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 15, 2019 Share Posted April 15, 2019 Knowing you have someone else triggered jealous and possessive feelings, but apparently not enough to make her commit to working on your relationship. I would say 6 months apart should be plenty for her to choose to be with you. It's up to you to decide what you are going to do about it, no one else can tell you what you should do about your marriage. As for the other woman, it's not fair to string her along if you still love your wife and you know the other woman is thinking about a future with you. Be honest with her. You say she adores you but don't say anything about how you feel about her. Don't use her to ease your pain when you know she has real feelings for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostwithouther1980 Posted April 15, 2019 Author Share Posted April 15, 2019 Knowing you have someone else triggered jealous and possessive feelings, but apparently not enough to make her commit to working on your relationship. I would say 6 months apart should be plenty for her to choose to be with you. It's up to you to decide what you are going to do about it, no one else can tell you what you should do about your marriage. As for the other woman, it's not fair to string her along if you still love your wife and you know the other woman is thinking about a future with you. Be honest with her. You say she adores you but don't say anything about how you feel about her. Don't use her to ease your pain when you know she has real feelings for you. See that’s what I think but she says she can’t put a time limit on anything and is trying to figure out if she wants to try as when she looks at my all she sees is hurt, we have had a lot of issues in the past with me being a bit controlling and have said some truly horrible things to her in the heat of arguments so I do on one hamdunderstand her reluctance bit I am in therapy for my negative behaviours and feel a real difference in myself but she just keeps saying she needs to see change but I don’t know how I can show this when we are not together and like you say it’s been 6 months so I don’t know how much time she needs. As for the other woman when I thought my marriage was over I was really starting to develop feelings for her but then as soon as my wife did what she did it made me doubt them and realise how much I still love my wife, the other woman is so kind, loving and considerate but I just can’t get past the fact she’s not my wife. I have been totally honest with her and she was hurt but very understanding even saying she will give me space until I know what I truly want. I want my wife but she won’t commit and it’s driving me to distraction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted April 15, 2019 Share Posted April 15, 2019 Why does it feel like she is just stringing me along? Because...she is just stringing you along! (I know that's not what you want to hear, and perhaps your 'inner person' is going to want to come up with a different argument, but that also starts with the sentence you used earlier: "See I don’t think she does want to go, she clearly deep down wants to try but..." -- and then it's going to make up another excuse on her behalf, based on unsubstantiated assumptions.) You've been having problems that you weren't able to resolve in over a year, and, in over six months (since October) she hasn't shown a single iota of interest or desire to get back with you or even to try to fix the problems and reconcile so that getting back might even be possible. This needs to be the eye-opener (and heart-closer) that you need against your former wife. Her pride has taken a beating, is all. Perhaps she fancied herself as being the only one who you could ever love or with whom you could ever be in a happy, solid, loving relationship. Jealousy isn't a substitute for love, or for actually wanting to be with someone, or for actually caring about what happens to them and whether they're happy or miserable in life. Look at her actions or how she's treated you over the past couple of years...and then make a positive decision and choice for your own self. I know that it does suck, there's no doubt about that...but there's also no need to draw it out any longer than it has to be. Wishing you strength, and all the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 15, 2019 Share Posted April 15, 2019 What were the issues that caused you to separate in the first place? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostwithouther1980 Posted April 16, 2019 Author Share Posted April 16, 2019 What were the issues that caused you to separate in the first place? We’ve had quite a lot of issues over the past while, it all really started when she lost her younger sister and her relationship with her parents soured at that point. She became very emotionally distant, didn’t want a lot of intemacy with me. I have to take the lions share of the blame though as when we argued I’d get so angry and would say things to deliberately hurt her because I was feeling hurt or rejected. I don’t mean the things I say but purely do it to get a reaction but she takes them literally and to heart. Also my relationship with our oldest child is very strained which hasn’t helped things either. I totally love my wife and would do anything at all to fix things with her. I am in therapy to try and deal with my anger and anxiety but she just won’t commit. We talk every day and see each other most days too. I’m just so confused 1 Link to post Share on other sites
47Knucklehead Posted May 24, 2019 Share Posted May 24, 2019 Was she sleeping with other men during your separation? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2019 Share Posted May 24, 2019 Lostwithouther1980 wrote; "We’ve had quite a lot of issues over the past while... I have to take the lions share of the blame though as when we argued I’d get so angry and would say things to deliberately hurt her because I was feeling hurt or rejected. I don’t mean the things I say but purely do it to get a reaction but she takes them literally and to heart. Also my relationship with our oldest child is very strained which hasn’t helped things either. She can't trust you not to become that angry horrible person you became when she lost her sister and no doubt was going through one of the worst times in her life... She needed you, and you, peeved with the loss of intimacy, lashed out at her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted May 27, 2019 Share Posted May 27, 2019 I wouldn't put too much stock into the sex you had. Breakup/makeup sex can for many couples be better then the routine sex they would have otherwise had. You said you're going to therapy. Would she be open to doing marriage counseling with you? Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted May 27, 2019 Share Posted May 27, 2019 It's one sided. While you want to work on it, she doesn't. Sad as it is, that should say it all. You can't move forward until you've let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
Destiny Couple Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 Sorry to hear of your troubles. May I ask what was your relationship like at the beginning? The good old days, what were they like? What has changed do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostwithouther1980 Posted September 5, 2019 Author Share Posted September 5, 2019 It's one sided. While you want to work on it, she doesn't. Sad as it is, that should say it all. You can't move forward until you've let her go. That’s the thing letting go, we didn’t get anywhere trying and it became very obvious it was all one sided. So I’ve been seeing the other woman again for about 2 months, she is so kind, loving, thoughtful abd affectionate but and once again my wife has started the whole emotional pull again, even using the kids which is out of order. Whilst I haven’t said anything to my wife I just can’t help wanting to try with her, I just can’t seem to stop wanting her no matter what she does or says. She’s been my life since I was 23 and I’m 39 now. I’m just so torn, my new girlfriend gives me everything ive wanted in terms of love and affection and everything my wife hasn’t for years yet I’m still torn and want my wife and my life back. It’s actuslly driving me to the brink of a breakdown Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 The relationship is so unhealthy for you that it is causing you to have a breakdown but yet you still want to try to keep it? I have been there being stuck and unable to let go but I am now on the other side and wow it is so much better. I just could not see it whilst being stuck in the mud. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostwithouther1980 Posted September 6, 2019 Author Share Posted September 6, 2019 The relationship is so unhealthy for you that it is causing you to have a breakdown but yet you still want to try to keep it? I have been there being stuck and unable to let go but I am now on the other side and wow it is so much better. I just could not see it whilst being stuck in the mud. I know it’s crazy and I have felt happier when moving on but then my wife starts the emotional pull and I can’t help but want her back. It just drives me insane, I really do love my wife and my kids. All I’ve ever wanted was a loving relationship and a secure home for my kids. I just don’t know what to do Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 If she doesn’t know for sure - it’s generally a no go. It’s not fair or right to you - that she doesn’t for sure want you but won’t let you feel free to see who you want. She’s selfish. Has she been seeing anyone/dating anyone? I think the bottom line is - you date the new gal - leave your wife (ex) in the past - knowing she isn’t treating you right! I think you’ve not been feeling great because you know she isn’t treating you right and never will. All the more reason to see the new gal more seriously. You do NOT owe your exW explanations! Stop including her in your personal life! Look forward, not back! If it was gonna work with the ex - it would have worked a while ago. This is your evidence it just doesn’t work. Stop including her in your personal life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostwithouther1980 Posted September 6, 2019 Author Share Posted September 6, 2019 If she doesn’t know for sure - it’s generally a no go. It’s not fair or right to you - that she doesn’t for sure want you but won’t let you feel free to see who you want. She’s selfish. Has she been seeing anyone/dating anyone? I think the bottom line is - you date the new gal - leave your wife (ex) in the past - knowing she isn’t treating you right! I think you’ve not been feeling great because you know she isn’t treating you right and never will. All the more reason to see the new gal more seriously. You do NOT owe your exW explanations! Stop including her in your personal life! Look forward, not back! If it was gonna work with the ex - it would have worked a while ago. This is your evidence it just doesn’t work. Stop including her in your personal life. I know everything you are saying is correct but I just can’t help the pull of my wife, I’d been with her so long, have 3 kids etc. It’s hard. I know it probably won’t work but she’s now saying she’s willing to do anything including couples counselling which id wanted to do for years. She’s also saying she knows she’s neglected the emotional and physical side of our marriage for years and is willing to try harder with that too. I know she’s probably only saying that but I always wonder if we don’t try then what if??? She’s not seen anyone although she was briefly on a dating site and was talking to a couple of guys but cake off before meeting anyone as she says it doesn’t feel right and they weren’t me Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 She is mean and cruel. Have her go to counseling to learn to be less selfish. She can do that on her own. No, move forward... do not get back with someone who is holding you back. Life is too short to allow someone to manipulate you to this extent. It didn’t work for a reason. When the horse is dead - you don’t keep beating it = you get off the horse and walk away knowing that it’s done. Stop ALLOWING her to manipulate you! Don’t tell her your personal stuff! You may have been together many years - I know what that’s like I was with my exH 27 years. It’s best not to share the private life with them after it ends. Move forward - this union didn’t work. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 (edited) I tend to agree with S2B - your exW has become an "orbiter" and is now interfering with you moving on. Suggest you insist on a full relationship or nothing with her. "Halfsies" is just wasting months of your life to placate her insecurities. I suspect that if/when she finds a new man she really likes and feels confident about she will drop you faster than you can say "but wait honey". It sounds like you may have already attempted to insist she come back to you, and, as you say, you actually feel when moving on. Make her come back fully if she want's anything beyond coordination on the kids. MOST relationships end sooner or later. If she can't commit fully, it's time to cut bait. Edited September 6, 2019 by mark clemson typos Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 Mark He shouldn’t ever have to beg someone to love him! His exW simply isn’t “all in” - but she intends to keep him from a fulfilling relationship. That is the epitome of mean and cruel. Cutting off all personal communications with her is essential. Move forward. Any talk of your personal life needs to be off limits! That’s a boundary you don’t ever allow her to cross. She’s is as selfish as anyone gets. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 As much as I tend to agree with you, OP has said: ...I know it probably won’t work but she’s now saying she’s willing to do anything including couples counselling which id wanted to do for years. She’s also saying she knows she’s neglected the emotional and physical side of our marriage for years and is willing to try harder with that too. I know she’s probably only saying that but I always wonder if we don’t try then what if??? I agree that the chances of this working are not high. It would not surprise me if she started to come back but then changed her mind, or came back and then at some point became disillusioned again and turned around and left a 2nd time. However, that is not guaranteed, so OP may wish to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostwithouther1980 Posted September 7, 2019 Author Share Posted September 7, 2019 Mark He shouldn’t ever have to beg someone to love him! His exW simply isn’t “all in” - but she intends to keep him from a fulfilling relationship. That is the epitome of mean and cruel. Cutting off all personal communications with her is essential. Move forward. Any talk of your personal life needs to be off limits! That’s a boundary you don’t ever allow her to cross. She’s is as selfish as anyone gets. S2B I think you and mark are correct. I’m just finding it hard to move on, every time I do she pulls on the heart strings. How did you get over it after such a long marriage? I am on holiday with my 2 youngest kids. My son who is autistic got upset on the plane saying he missed his mum and why can’t we be a family again. It nearly had me in tears on the plane 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 7, 2019 Share Posted September 7, 2019 I dont believe your wife wants to be in a relationship with you, but she isnt willing to give up on being in a relationship with you. If you dont move on with your life I believe she will allow you to stay stuck in limbo until she meets someone new, if she hasn't already. If I'm being honest this behavior sounds alot like what you read about in the OW section. Were they put the husband on the bench while they explore another relationship, unwilling to give up the marriage but unwilling to commit to it. I think you need to stop moving in fear and just start looking out for what's in the best interest of your kids and yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lostwithouther1980 Posted September 8, 2019 Author Share Posted September 8, 2019 I’m just finding it so tough, on one hand my new girlfriend is everything I have ever wanted. She’s kind, caring, funny, actually left me a little love note in my wallet for going away on holiday as she misses me(my wife never did anything like that). For all the positives and no negatives I just keep coming back to the fact that she’s not my wife. What the hell is wrong with me?? I’m honestly on the brink of cracking up Link to post Share on other sites
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