Son's Fiance is too old for him

[kennybenson]

 

you have not done anything wrong to make your son choose an older woman.....nor would i subscribe to the phase thing...i used to hold onto the thought of a phase.... my daughter was going through a phase of being attracted to women.....and being repulsed by men.....then i blamed myself thinking it was my choices in life that made her choose to be gay......i dont even know if she chose to be gay....,like she woke up one morning and said im going to be gay now....sounds ridiculous when i write that....

....deb

 

 

This is exactly what it feels like. And it is a feeling of powerlessness. In my mind, I think it would be easier for me to accept that my son is gay, rather than to accept he has a hard wired attraction to older women. He has told this, but he didn't compare it to gay.

 

 

My thought process is compromised because he's my son. I look at him and I think, but he can have any woman he wants- why her? Of course, I've seen attractive men and women who are gay and I think the same thing. And that's when I tell myself that they can't help the way the feel and their feelings are not a choice. But that's easier, because they're not my children.

 

 

I can look at my son and see how happy he is to be with this woman and how happy she makes him and how happy she is-- but I can't process it. I can't process it because I can't see this through his eyes.

 

 

I admit that when I was younger, I was attracted older women, but it was a phase. I think all young guys feel this way. They're hormonal. They want the experience. There are so many temporary feelings at play.

 

 

I can completely accept the idea that he THINKS he is in love with her. But love is such a confusing concept.

 

 

I know this marriage is going to happen. I know it like I know the sun is going to set and rise. She is the first woman he has ever LIVED with, and in some ways that gives me solace, because he knows what to expect. He won't be surprised or shocked by the current reality.

 

 

I have a difficult time empathizing with him because I can't see myself in his shoes and being with her. Maybe this is what my problem and my wife's problem is about. But nothing is ever simple. There's more to it than that. I see trouble. I see non-acceptance from others biting at their ankles. I see a difference in sex drive because of their age-gap. The smoking bothers me from several angles. I see him being her care-taker. I see a lot of things and I don't know if my son sees it. Or maybe he does see it and he's okay with it. I've always heard the male brain doesn't mature until it's 25. I'm not saying I'd feel better about this if he was 30.

 

 

Any way, I'm still heading toward Easter and I'm doing my best to prepare myself and my wife for it. My minimum goals is to not makes this worse. My maximum goal is to be at peace with this.

[kennybenson]

I think that’s great that your son and his fiance will spend Easter with you. Will it be a big family gathering or small? You said your son’s grandparetns know, so I was wondering if they would be there. Out of curiosity, how old are they?

 

 

Yes. Both sets of grandparents will be there for Easter. Their ages are between 70 to 75. As I said earlier, they know about the engagement and they're not happy about it. I've asked them to at least be cordial. I don't need outright hostility from anyone at this point.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I see him being her care-taker. I see a lot of things and I don't know if my son sees it. Or maybe he does see it and he's okay with it.

 

Maybe this is exactly what it is. It doesn't sound like you've raised an idiot. Has he always been a caretaker and/or people pleaser?

 

It is indeed hard to wrap one's brain around but I think at this point your peace may be found in just accepting the fact you probably will never understand it, and just be OK with your bewilderment.

[todreaminblue]

This is exactly what it feels like. And it is a feeling of powerlessness. In my mind, I think it would be easier for me to accept that my son is gay, rather than to accept he has a hard wired attraction to older women. He has told this, but he didn't compare it to gay.

 

 

My thought process is compromised because he's my son. I look at him and I think, but he can have any woman he wants- why her? Of course, I've seen attractive men and women who are gay and I think the same thing. And that's when I tell myself that they can't help the way the feel and their feelings are not a choice. But that's easier, because they're not my children.

 

 

I can look at my son and see how happy he is to be with this woman and how happy she makes him and how happy she is-- but I can't process it. I can't process it because I can't see this through his eyes.

 

 

I admit that when I was younger, I was attracted older women, but it was a phase. I think all young guys feel this way. They're hormonal. They want the experience. There are so many temporary feelings at play.

 

 

I can completely accept the idea that he THINKS he is in love with her. But love is such a confusing concept.

 

 

I know this marriage is going to happen. I know it like I know the sun is going to set and rise. She is the first woman he has ever LIVED with, and in some ways that gives me solace, because he knows what to expect. He won't be surprised or shocked by the current reality.

 

 

I have a difficult time empathizing with him because I can't see myself in his shoes and being with her. Maybe this is what my problem and my wife's problem is about. But nothing is ever simple. There's more to it than that. I see trouble. I see non-acceptance from others biting at their ankles. I see a difference in sex drive because of their age-gap. The smoking bothers me from several angles. I see him being her care-taker. I see a lot of things and I don't know if my son sees it. Or maybe he does see it and he's okay with it. I've always heard the male brain doesn't mature until it's 25. I'm not saying I'd feel better about this if he was 30.

 

 

Any way, I'm still heading toward Easter and I'm doing my best to prepare myself and my wife for it. My minimum goals is to not makes this worse. My maximum goal is to be at peace with this.

 

op its going to be a journey and i hope theres a place on that journey you find your peace...peace is a supernal principle.....and it can only ever begin...with love......peace can never begin with contention.....or maybe really it does begin with contention and sacrifice.......theres often a brutal battle before peace is achieved and sacrifice has to be felt........sorry multiple personality here arguing with myself.....either way... love is where it ends with peace...yeah that sounds so right....

 

..on your journey....it may sound like rainbows and butterflies...but love heals...and it can heal your family..heading into easter break and behind the truth of the ultimate sacrifice made that gave us easter....without the shops and expensive easter eggs...love prevails ...i hope it prevails with you and yours....deb

Edited April 16, 2019 by todreaminblue

[elaine567]

It is very easy for young people, once they find their choice of partner is not pleasing to parents, to get into battle mode. They will stick by the "undesirable" partner even when deep down they know it isn't right, as to dump them would be giving in to parental "rule".

 

You want to try to avoid that situation and hope it all just naturally fizzles out...