BaileyB Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Mark is right, feelings don’t shut off just because you’ve decided to end your relationship. And for that, I have empathy. But, I’m not going to hold your hand and tell you “sometimes these things just happen...” like some other posters, because the truth is - you made a conscious decision to betray your marriage and you hurt your wife in the process. Unfortunately, seeing the OW and the feelings this creates for you is simply a consequence of your decision to engage in an extramarital relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dissapointing Posted April 17, 2019 Author Share Posted April 17, 2019 (edited) NW stop minimising the devastation done to other spouses when you haven't even disclosedyour affair to BH! EAs can be just as harmful as PAs and couples have indeed divorced over then. OP, I'm glad you had a plan going in but confused you seem disappointed it worked. I’m not necessarily disappointed it worked. It’s just very painful and confusing and honestly hard to explain. I honestly shouldn’t care if my xAP hates me or not. It’s just painful to know these people used to be some of our closest friends and because of my actions I can only assume they will have distain towards me for the rest of their lives and my wife, through no fault of her own has lost that friendship. I realize I haven’t gone in to the situation with my wife or xAP spouse very much here, it wasn’t the intent of the thread. It also isn’t safe to assume I haven’t done everything possible to restore my marriage since this has happened. I just assumed that I wouldn’t be the only one struggling with these types of thoughts, hence the post. And yes, an affair is an affair. EAs can even be more devastating as it is an affair of the heart. Edited April 17, 2019 by Dissapointing Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 OP I wouldn't assume she hates you. If anything I honestly think her husband and grrr had a similar plan as you and your wife. The aim I'd to reach disinterest not hatred. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 OP, I doubt what she's feeling is hate. I was the OW. My xMM came back after 2 years to I don't know what (say hello? check in? resume the EA?). I didn't really want to talk to him, but my feelings weren't hatred. It was fear about getting dragged back into something that ended up being so painful, it was pain at knowing that any contact would inevitably involve him talking about his wife, it was a profound sense of loss, it was the shameful reminder of what I had done. And, because it had been so long, it also was a feeling of disconnection. My life had moved on. So had his. I wouldn't assume she hates you. These things are just painful. For some people, you can still interact with the source of that pain. Other people can't. We all deal with pain and loss and shame in our own ways. Let her have that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotus_Luna Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 I am often in situations with both my husband and AP. Its awkward and awful. Typically my husband tries to stare the guy down or threatened t get confrontational. I avoid wye contact and just get through it. She is trying to heal as are yoi. Is she mad? No... liky just highly uncomfortable and confused. Walk yourself through your emotions...go back to NC and keep going. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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