Siblings growing apart?

[Logo]

Have you ever had a sibling who intentionally drifted away, claiming to always to be busy or not have enough time to reach out?

 

We used to be close. But, in the last few years that sibling has become more and more distant. Trying to have a conversation feels like pulling teeth. All I get are yes or no answers. I try to ask about their well-being and I get short answers too.

 

 

That sibling claims to love me as a sibling, but I just don’t feel cared about anymore. I feel as though we’ve grown apart and there’s no bridging that gap.

 

 

It saddens me. But I can’t make an adult stay in touch. If I don’t reach out, they don’t reach out.

 

 

It’s not just me. I get the feeling they just want to lead their own life and stay away from a family that loves them and they claim to love.

 

 

The excuse is always either too tired to talk or too busy.

[pinkpaw]

Have you ever had a sibling who intentionally drifted away, claiming to always to be busy or not have enough time to reach out?

 

We used to be close. But, in the last few years that sibling has become more and more distant. Trying to have a conversation feels like pulling teeth. All I get are yes or no answers. I try to ask about their well-being and I get short answers too.

 

 

That sibling claims to love me as a sibling, but I just don’t feel cared about anymore. I feel as though we’ve grown apart and there’s no bridging that gap.

 

 

It saddens me. But I can’t make an adult stay in touch. If I don’t reach out, they don’t reach out.

 

 

It’s not just me. I get the feeling they just want to lead their own life and stay away from a family that loves them and they claim to love.

 

 

The excuse is always either too tired to talk or too busy.

 

I have been that sibling who has pulled away and behaved as your sibling is behaving.

Not saying its definitely the same reasons, but usually there is some underlying reason for this.

For me, I had a very emotionally needy sister who would drain the life out of me every time we spoke. Every phone call was at least an hour or two of listening to her ranting, yelling, crying and naming every single problem she had and then I would spend ages comforting, life-coaching, counselling, advising....it was absolutely exhausting. Trying to tell her that this couldn't continue didn't go down well either; i was met with fierce resistance and reactions (could tell she did not want the status quo changed at all) so in the end, short answers and excuses were the best I could manage and now its complete no contact.

 

Has your sibling ever raised any issue in the past that maybe you just glossed over?

Or have you raised the issue now of how little contact you guys have and aired your concerns to the sibling?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, I've had a "forced" distancing when my sister's husband made her get counseling because he said she and I are too close. We are twins. When that didn't work to his liking he moved the entire family across the country (not solely because of our relationship....I'm being dramatic....but it was about a lot of relationships he wanted them to get away from because he's a controlling jerk who refuses to get help for his mental illness.)

 

OP, is your sibling depressed maybe? Hiding something about their lifestyle they don't want their family members butting in on? There are myriad reasons they might be pulling away from you. (In my BIL's case it was a denouncing of Christianity and becoming an atheist, for the most part, in addition to untreated mental health issues.)

[oceanblue12]

Well, I've had a "forced" distancing when my sister's husband made her get counseling because he said she and I are too close. We are twins. When that didn't work to his liking he moved the entire family across the country (not solely because of our relationship....I'm being dramatic....but it was about a lot of relationships he wanted them to get away from because he's a controlling jerk who refuses to get help for his mental illness.)

 

OP, is your sibling depressed maybe? Hiding something about their lifestyle they don't want their family members butting in on? There are myriad reasons they might be pulling away from you. (In my BIL's case it was a denouncing of Christianity and becoming an atheist, for the most part, in addition to untreated mental health issues.)

 

Depression is one thought followed by "life not working out as they had imagined." I cannot imagine not being close to my brother. We talk daily and are always there for one another.

 

I hope you can find away to bring your sibling back.

[BettyDraper]

Yes. My brother is marrying a woman whom nobody in our immediate family can stand because she's nasty and disrespectful.

Their upcoming wedding is an obvious show of how little she cares about the family she's marrying into.

 

I don't talk to my brother anymore because he has become just as rude as she is.

I don't know this new person my brother has become but I don't like him.

As a result, we no longer have contact. He's unhappy about this but I think it's easier.

 

OP, if your sibling has distanced himself or herself then all you can do is hope that they reconnect. It could be any number of reasons. For your sake, I think that it would be best to stop reaching out because the short answers are just going to make you feel more pain. Grieve the loss and move on as best you can.

[Mystyry]

I have had that happen, where my half brother pulled away for years from our family, and I am going through a similar situation right now, except I am the one pulling away. We grew up together, were so close up until early adulthood. He moved to a different country in his 20s and completely dropped contact. It was exactly like you are describing, OP - if we didn’t call, he didn’t call. Claimed excuses like he didn’t have $5 to call home on parents’ birthdays even. I was a poor student at the time, but I would send him money so he did call. This went on for years and I felt like it was my job to keep contact, or else he would disappear. I assumed some of the same things that I am reading in this thread - that something is going on, that he will eventually come around.

 

And then last year my mother got sick and passed away very quickly. He was on vacation in Eastern Europe at the time she was diagnosed, so he was busy and couldn’t talk when I called. Then when she passed away he couldn’t talk because he was at somebody else’s house. And then he just never called until I missed his birthday six months later and for the first time in my life, intentionally, I didn’t call. Suddenly he realized we haven’t talked and sent me a text asking how I was. He sent a total of three texts since then over the space of 4 months, but I have not responded. I realized it wasn’t that something was going on, it was just that he is a selfish person, and I don’t have time for that right now. I would have been on the first plane out for him, and he couldn’t find 5 minutes to talk to me in my most difficult days.

 

This may not be your case at all, OP, but - sometimes it is something external, and others it’s just that they don’t care. And then you have to exercise self-care and decide what’s best for you.

[Happy Lemming]

I haven't talked to my sister in 25+ years... No big loss.

 

I have no desire to initiate contact and I assume the same of her. If she wants to contact me, our father has my phone number. We lead completely different lives and have nothing in common.

[chillii]

Are they married with kids. ?

Can tell ya right now , once you have a family and the whole box of it , life becomes about all that and many just don't have the time or energy for more.

Especially for the single siblings because they just live another world, life.

But even if it's not a family thing,many just drift off into our own world and life as we get older anyway.

 

l'm like that and have laid very low with family for years now. l live 3 hours away on purpose , l use to live states away, l like my space and my own world.

Besides , my family is massive and although it's really nice to talk to some of them now and then , l don't have the time or interest to even bother trying to maintain some family thing with most of them these days.

Edited April 17, 2019 by chillii

[amaysngrace]

I have no relationship with my one sister. She takes all her feelings of inadequacy out on me.

 

That grew old fast.

 

She’s ten years older than I am but you’d think she was ten years younger by the way she processes her feelings and expresses herself. She’s just not good for me to be around so I don’t go anywhere near her.

 

I’ll see her at my son’s wedding and even have to sit with her through dinner but then after I get to dance with my son and that’ll make it all better because once I’m up dancing I won’t be sitting down at that table again.

 

You just gotta get a plan in place for when those awkward moments occur.

[amaysngrace]

That sibling claims to love me as a sibling...

 

This is a back-handed compliment. They love you as a sibling but not as a person.

 

It’s a horrible thing to say.

 

My one sister that I do talk to told me if we weren’t sisters we wouldn’t be friends. Same thing in my opinion.

 

She’s now on a very long leash.

[Wallysbears]

We don't have relationships with either of our little brothers (mine nor my husbands)

 

Both of them are very immature and self-centered and have been nothing but a drag on us emotionally and financially. We will be polite at family functions but there is no "relationship" with them to speak of.

[Logo]

This is a back-handed compliment. They love you as a sibling but not as a person.

 

It’s a horrible thing to say.

 

 

 

 

I didn't mean it that way. They love me like any sibling would love another. They care about me and I care about them.

Edited April 17, 2019 by Logo

[whichwayisup]

Have you told your sibling that you miss them and want to get together more often? Be honest and speak from your heart, let him/her know that it's important to you to be involved in each others lives.

[amaysngrace]

They care about me and I care about them.

 

Then they have a funny way of showing it.

[Gaeta]

If the relationship has always been good before then I say they are going through something personal and you need to be patient and most importantly keep the communication going even if it's just one way.

 

 

 

One of my brothers pulled away from us for an entire year. The rest of the family was completly distressed over it. Turned out his wife was having a major mental health problems and was out of control. He was trying to keep it all private. Since 2019 started he and his wife have started joining us in family event again, we are getting our brother back finally and we're happy during that difficult year of his we didn't give up on him and we kept messaging him and calling him even he didn't share much with us.

[grace4ever]

Thank you for sharing your post with us. These forums are great for sharing burdens, and venting. Even in the darkest moments in our lives there’s always hope. I’m truly sorry for you are going through. What do you think is causing him to keep away from his family and loved ones? Did he marry someone and have kids? Or did he have some issues with one of you or your parents? Does he suffer depression? It is understandable the way that you feel because you would like to keep in touch with your brother. May be he needs some time to be by himself. We do not know what is he going in his life in this moments? My brother used to be in that way with us when he was single. But after he married and his wife got pregnant he started to keep in touch with me and call me more frequently. But have courage! Hang in there! I encourage you to keep in touch with him, if he does not pick up the phone, leave a message saying hello, for his birthday, for important holidays, without overwhelming him. I’m sure that he will notice that you care for him and he will think about it. I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Youngestdaughter]

I know exactly how you feel. My sister and I used to be very close. Then she married this super religious guy. Now, I'm a Christian, but my sister thinks she's God's BFF! She's grown judgemental-so not Christian. And I miss her, the old her, terribly. She used to be cool and spunky and sassy. Sorry. This isn't about me. Has your sibling developed any new interests or commitment to a new way of life? And what does "love you as a sibling" mean? You deserve more of an explanation than that! If I were you, I would write sibling a letter and ask why he or she doesn't love me as a person anymore! I would also say how rejected and hurt I felt. If I made one of my sisters feel the way you're feeling, I'd want to know. And I would do anything to fix it, even God's BFF!

[Lotsgoingon]

There's a good chance your sister has developed much more critical feelings about your entire family and about your parents (than the feelings you have).

 

Your sister has concluded that there is some kind of dynamic in the family that is toxic and not good for her.

 

Siblings separated is not unusual ... it's quite normal. Siblings are different individuals and even though raised by the same two people, the siblings have often had wildly different experiences.

 

The way to go is to get curious ... curious about what your sister is feeling, what she is thinking? If you just stay in the "I don't understand" framework, then you'll not get any insight.

 

Listen ... look at her as a different human being ... not just your sister ... imagine what she wants that's very different than what you want ... Be curious ... and over time you can get to some deeper understanding.

 

Bottom line: I can GUARANTEE that your sister feels the family has a downside, a major flaw, that has disrupted her life or let to her being diminished in some family role.