Longterm bf was planning on going to a wedding without me

[sodasot]

I'd like to preface this with my bf and I are trying to rebuild our relationship after he has cheated on me several times.

The only reason why we're still together really is because I finally felt like he does have remorse.

 

 

My boyfriend of 4 years childhood best friend is getting married. The woman he is marrying is extremely wealthy, and they are having their wedding at a very expensive location in The Hamptons. My boyfriend doesn't see them a lot as we live out of state (far) I have only met them once. I am not invited. Their other best friend (who my bf is closer with) also lives out of state, is invited with his gf as a plus one. They have been together only 2 years. Am I crazy to be a little hurt? To my knowledge they have no reason to dislike me. My bf and I aren't engaged, but we will be.

I just was invited to a friend's wedding (we weren't super close, but good "work" friends) and even though they knew my bf well, I didn't get a plus one. They are also having their wedding out of state (NY) I declined because my bf wasn't invited. Is it wrong for me to not even want my bf to go? He was upset I am not invited, and wanted to ask his friend if I could come. I told him to not do this, that it was rude.

Turns out my boyfriend did ask him, and he had said no, I wasn't invited.

I found this out yesterday when I had came home from my best friends co-ed baby shower. My best friend is a guy and his wife had organized it. I got to the baby shower and I was surprised that there were men there. I was super mad that my boyfriend wasn't invited to the shower but of course I didn't say anything to my friend's wife. Even my best friend asked me where my bf was, and I said I didn't know guys were invited?!

When I got home I expressed to my boyfriend how mad I was and how I thought it was tacky he wasn't invited, and had I known, I actually wouldn't have gone. I compared it to his friend's wedding, and said the 2 situations are similar. That is when my boyfriend told me he was planning to go to the wedding and that he had asked if I was invited, which I wasn't.

 

I told him I absolutely couldn't believe that he word travel 3000 miles without me to celebrate someone's wedding who can't even respect his own relationship. His argument was he has known the groom since he was 8 years old and everyone and his friend group is going. I told him if this is the case, then he should have a plus 1 for his future wife and it is tacky. I told him I was also mad that he had already made the decision to go and I was just finding out about it now. My boyfriend now says he won't go if it upsets me. I am still really pissed off. Am I being crazy about this?

[olivetree]

Are you positive you were not actually invited or is this just what he told you?

I have to question his honesty since he is a serial cheater... and cheaters lie.

 

I know it's not the point of your post but I would absolutely not forgive cheating, especially in the dating phase.

I think you're setting yourself up for heartbreak.

He failed the marriage test.

[sodasot]

@olivetree It's what he told me.

I think the cheating part is relevant to this post because what makes him think I would be comfortable with him travelling across the country with his buddies without me when he also has a history of cheating.

 

What do you mean when you say he failed the marriage test?

[darkmoon]

maybe you hold an opinion that is going to be awkward to present to the wedding crowd

 

 

you need to do a kind of inner search, a best guess, at any rate

 

 

 

too, a wedding is a sole event and then things get back to normal

[Wallysbears]

They don’t know you and know you’ve broken up previously. Not every guest gets a plus one for a random date. If you were engaged, it would be insulting. You aren’t engaged.

[sodasot]

@wallybears

Yes I understand, even if I personally do not agree with it. It's their wedding. I also feel I'm not a "random date" we have been together longer than the bride and groom.

I guess my question is more so whether or not I am justified at being absolutely pissed off he was planning to go to this. And not only was he planning to go, but he didn't bother to tell me, or even seemingly consider how I felt about it.

[stillafool]

I've noticed the new thing with weddings is couples having only the people they know and want at their weddings now. I don't have a problem with it because when I look at my first marriage wedding photos I don't remember half the people who were there. I imagine couples want people at their weddings who they feel a deep connection with and I don't see anything wrong with it. I would not have a problem with my bf going to a wedding with his buddies instead of me.

[stillafool]

@wallybears

Yes I understand, even if I personally do not agree with it. It's their wedding. I also feel I'm not a "random date" we have been together longer than the bride and groom.

I guess my question is more so whether or not I am justified at being absolutely pissed off he was planning to go to this. And not only was he planning to go, but he didn't bother to tell me, or even seemingly consider how I felt about it.

 

They obviously don't feel close to you or consider you a friend whereas with the other guy's gf they've probably created a friendship with her. Try not to take it personally. I certainly would never tell a grown man he couldn't go somewhere with me. That's way too possessive.

[sodasot]

@stillafool I totally get it. I didn't say he couldn't go though. I can't control what he does. I just said I disagreed with it and that he actually should go if he wants to. But yes I am mad given our history.

[elaine567]

I've noticed the new thing with weddings is couples having only the people they know and want at their weddings now. I don't have a problem with it because when I look at my first marriage wedding photos I don't remember half the people who were there. I imagine couples want people at their weddings who they feel a deep connection with and I don't see anything wrong with it.

 

It is also cheaper...

[d0nnivain]

Give the costs of weddings especially in the NY area, most couples do not invite friends with a +1 because it's too expensive. On that level it makes sense to me that you were not invited. However, since your BF is not the most honest person I would want to see the invite.

 

You are right to be mortified if he did call the B&G to ask if he could bring you. That is tacky. Although I have heard of friends being the 1st go to's if the couple doesn't meet their minimum, meaning that friends who were invited solo may later get permission to bring a date.

 

So here's my take, just because you declined to go a wedding where you were invited solo does not mean your BF is obligated to do so. It would be nice but it's not required. It is a point to note that he does not share your self sacrificing nature. That may become a factor in your decision to stay together.

 

For now it boils down to trust. Given his serial cheating I'm not sure I'd be comfortable letting him out of my site at a distant wedding without me. the idea that you think you two will eventually become engaged when you can't even work through wedding season gives me great pause.

 

I hope you get the happy ending you want.

[elaine567]

Ok, so who has he cheated with in the past, ONS, coworker, friend, ex... etc. and is it possible he is going to this wedding with someone else?

Not the first cheater to arrange to go to an event with the OW and not the gf...

[Els]

Well, first off, I think you should leave him regardless - the only thing worse than a cheater is a serial cheater.

 

 

That being said, re: your actual wedding question... it's a tough one, really. No disrespect to you, but wedding guests are expensive, venues have limited capacity, and plus ones can really rack the tally up. If you have only met the couple once, it is not really a huge faux pas that they did not invite you. OTOH if you meet them regularly then it would be. The other person might have visited them more often.

 

 

What I learned from wedding planning is that you cannot possibly include everyone and offend no one. There will be always be SOMEONE offended. In our case we gave everyone plus ones, but a couple was offended that their children were not invited. C'est la vie.

[Orokotikki]

Oh dear... Don't stay with a cheating BF/GF, if you build any sort of future with them you are setting yourself up for far worse cheating. You aren't crazy to be mad about this, but crazy to stay with them and contemplate marriage to him.

 

Also, he was/is totally planning on banging someone there.

People take their partners to weddings... not someone else, with rare and unusual exception, and then with the knowledge of, and discussion with their partner.

 

That is unless they don't respect their partner and know that little to no real consequences will come from walking all over them.

[Els]

Also, he was/is totally planning on banging someone there.

People take their partners to weddings... not someone else, with rare and unusual exception, and then with the knowledge of, and discussion with their partner.

 

 

If this is really just about the wedding (and FWIW, I completely agree that there's no point in staying with a cheating BF), she just needs to look at the wedding invitation card. The wording will demonstrate clearly whether a plus one was allowed or not - it will say "Cheatersname and plus one" or "Cheatersname and guest".

[sodasot]

I saw the invitation it didn't have plus guest or my name. None of the OWs will be there. That is assuming I know about everyone he has cheated with..

[stillafool]

Then it's a safe bet your bf is telling you the truth. Feel better now?

[michzz]

Because it is not really about the wedding invitation. It is about the OP's insecurity about her own wedding prospects with this man who cheats on her.

 

OP, it you are reading this, I wish you well. I hope you find a better path to happiness than the one you are on currently.

[d0nnivain]

I saw the invitation it didn't have plus guest or my name. None of the OWs will be there. That is assuming I know about everyone he has cheated with..

 

So at least he didn't lie about this. He did make an effort to get you an invite so take that as some reassurance (despite the fact that it was gauche for him to ask).

 

Now it really does all boil down to trust.

[fishlips]

I saw the invitation it didn't have plus guest or my name. None of the OWs will be there. That is assuming I know about everyone he has cheated with..

 

I don't think anyone is obligated to invite the bf or gf of every person on their list. So no, I don't think you should be upset with him for going, nor should you turn down invites just because he wasn't invited.

 

That said, his previous cheating would concern me more. If you can now trust him though, you should let him go without making him feel guilty.

[bathtub-row]

I've noticed the new thing with weddings is couples having only the people they know and want at their weddings now. I don't have a problem with it because when I look at my first marriage wedding photos I don't remember half the people who were there. I imagine couples want people at their weddings who they feel a deep connection with and I don't see anything wrong with it. I would not have a problem with my bf going to a wedding with his buddies instead of me.

 

This ‘new thing’ is tacky. Plain and simple.

[bathtub-row]

@olivetree It's what he told me.

I think the cheating part is relevant to this post because what makes him think I would be comfortable with him travelling across the country with his buddies without me when he also has a history of cheating.

 

What do you mean when you say he failed the marriage test?

 

I think what the poster meant about relevance was his/her comment about you staying with a cheater. Your bf failed in the sense that he can’t even stay faithful to you while dating. What do you really think this guy is going to do just a few months or years into the marriage? Don’t kid yourself, what you see is only a portion of what he’ll dish out once you’re married.

[preraph]

Who gets invitations is not up to your boyfriend. His friends no doubt had to pare the list back to fit whatever their budget or facility is. He should definitely go to the wedding. It's a good friend. You should go to stuff whether he is invited or not too. Those invitations are up to the people throwing the event, not up to you, and it's rude to try to make an issue of it to the people throwing the event or put him on the spot to ask about it. It's very annoying to the wedding planners. They have their reasons and it's almost certain it's not personal.

[bathtub-row]

I saw the invitation it didn't have plus guest or my name. None of the OWs will be there. That is assuming I know about everyone he has cheated with..

 

How do you know he didn’t have a conversation with the friends prior to the invite being sent out? In other words, maybe they asked in advance if he wanted you included. These are rich people and they’re worried about friends bringing a guest? Sounds suspect to me.

 

See? This is what happens when you stay with a cheater. The trust is severely eroded and you end up questioning everything.

[Dandelioness]

I am more inclined to think that your bf requested that you not be invited. Maybe he'll run into old flames at the wedding. Maybe he wants to party it up. Your partner said he asked his friend if you were invited and he said no. The question wouldn't have stopped there. There would have been an explanation. Did your bf say why?

 

It's up to the couple to decide who they want to invite. Even though you've had a rocky relationship so far, it's not up to them to judge. It's best to allow their friends to decide if they eant to bring their partners.

 

Having said that, weddings are expensive. Couples have to draw the line somewhere. Perhaps due to your rocky relationship, you didn't make the cut to keep the costs low.

 

Is it tacky in your situation? Yes, I think so. There's always a reason for people's decisions. I'd wonder why.

 

It's just a wedding. I'm more concerned with you and your plans to be engaged with this person. Think about your future children. What is the likely you'll be raising them as a single parent? With a repeated cheater, the odds are high. Consider them in your plans (if you choose to have children).