Longterm bf was planning on going to a wedding without me

[Mr. Lucky]

That is assuming I know about everyone he has cheated with..

 

sodasot, I'm always amazed at posts like yours. To me, it's the equivalent of wondering what sweater to wear while your house is on fire. Simply put, you obviously know you have much bigger problems.

 

If you're worried he'd somehow deceive you on the terms of this invite, what do you do when he goes to the store? To work? Out with friends?

 

The only reason why we're still together really is because I finally felt like he does have remorse.

 

Remorse is after-the-fact, not a preventative. I'm sure he'll be just as sorry the next time - will that make you feel any better?

 

You've deflected onto this wedding situation rather than face the bigger issue. You've got bigger +1 concerns than who goes to the Hamptons...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

I'd like to preface this with my bf and I are trying to rebuild our relationship after he has cheated on me several times.

The only reason why we're still together really is because I finally felt like he does have remorse.

 

What kind of remorse did he show you? In words and actions.

 

How often did he cheat on you, with same woman or different women?

 

Fact that he didn't even consider you at all in this or tell his best friend that you need to be invited too is a red flag. He left it till the last minute to let you know.

 

Take time to think if this is the guy for you. Clearly the trust isn't there and he certainly doesn't put you first. Is this what you want for your future?

 

He doesn't seem like husband material.

[Els]

sodasot, I'm always amazed at posts like yours. To me, it's the equivalent of wondering what sweater to wear while your house is on fire.

 

 

Excellent analogy. The scariest part, OP, is that you actually want to be engaged to this man. A man whom you can't even trust (for good reason!). This entirely perplexes me. Do you really want to be in a situation 3 years from now when you are 8 months pregnant and find out he's having an affair again, because of course he is?

[d0nnivain]

These are rich people and they’re worried about friends bringing a guest? Sounds suspect to me.

 

It's a wedding in the Hamptons. It would not surprise me if the event costs the B&G upwards of $200 per person.

 

Seriously, how many even "rich" people can afford a party with over 200 people at that price point.

 

Inviting unmarried guests without a +1 is not that rare.

[d0nnivain]

Fact that he didn't even consider you at all in this or tell his best friend that you need to be invited too is a red flag.

 

As even the OP pointed out, it would be incredibly rude for a guest to attempt to tell the B&G who they had to invite. However, according to the OP her BF did call & ask if she could attend. His actions mortified her because they were so tacky. She also said that if she had been invited after the BF called she would not go because didn't want to be that guest.

 

Her umbrage isn't entirely that he got invited without a +1 but that he accepted such an invitation. Remember, she was also invited to a different wedding for a family member of hers by herself. Her BF was not invited. Because he wasn't invited she chose to decline the invitation. She's miffed because her BF made a different choice.

[BaileyB]

I didn't say he couldn't go though. I can't control what he does. I just said I disagreed with it and that he actually should go if he wants to. But yes I am mad given our history.

 

This isn’t really about attending the wedding of a person you have met, only once. This is about validating your relationship, feeling like your boyfriend respects you and wants you to be with him, consideration, and trust.

 

You don’t trust this guy, and rightfully so. So, why are you dating him?

[elaine567]

The "remorseful" bf has learned nothing.

He is still sneaking around and acting shady...

[sodasot]

As even the OP pointed out, it would be incredibly rude for a guest to attempt to tell the B&G who they had to invite. However, according to the OP her BF did call & ask if she could attend. His actions mortified her because they were so tacky. She also said that if she had been invited after the BF called she would not go because didn't want to be that guest.

 

Her umbrage isn't entirely that he got invited without a +1 but that he accepted such an invitation. Remember, she was also invited to a different wedding for a family member of hers by herself. Her BF was not invited. Because he wasn't invited she chose to decline the invitation. She's miffed because her BF made a different choice.

 

d0nnivain- yes this is 100% accurate. It's not really about not being a plus one, although yes, I also find that tacky on his best friend's part.

 

But the rest of you are correct, the bottom line is I don't trust him. And also why he would think I would be ok with him traveling across the country to attend alone is beyond me. This is clearly not the first time he hasn't prioritized me, but I think it could be the last, as petty as it may seem to some.

[Els]

d0nnivain- yes this is 100% accurate. It's not really about not being a plus one, although yes, I also find that tacky on his best friend's part.

 

But the rest of you are correct, the bottom line is I don't trust him. And also why he would think I would be ok with him traveling across the country to attend alone is beyond me. This is clearly not the first time he hasn't prioritized me, but I think it could be the last, as petty as it may seem to some.

 

 

While I certainly find it strange that THIS is the straw that breaks the camel's back... hey, whatever it takes. You should absolutely ditch this guy. It makes zero sense to want to marry a serial cheater.

[preraph]

d0nnivain- yes this is 100% accurate. It's not really about not being a plus one, although yes, I also find that tacky on his best friend's part.

 

But the rest of you are correct, the bottom line is I don't trust him. And also why he would think I would be ok with him traveling across the country to attend alone is beyond me. This is clearly not the first time he hasn't prioritized me, but I think it could be the last, as petty as it may seem to some.

 

Then don't deflect it and make it about the bride and groom or about whether the attends their wedding. If you don't trust him, trust me, he doesn't need to travel alone to cheat. If he wants to cheat, he can get online and order up a prostitute who can be at the motel between where he lives and where he works in 15 minutes and you'd never even know. Same thing with anyone personal he may know. If he wants to cheat, he will cheat. If you can't trust him, leave him and find someone you do trust, though don't make it about this wedding thing, which he needed to go to.

[sodasot]

Then don't deflect it and make it about the bride and groom or about whether the attends their wedding. If you don't trust him, trust me, he doesn't need to travel alone to cheat. If he wants to cheat, he can get online and order up a prostitute who can be at the motel between where he lives and where he works in 15 minutes and you'd never even know. Same thing with anyone personal he may know. If he wants to cheat, he will cheat. If you can't trust him, leave him and find someone you do trust, though don't make it about this wedding thing, which he needed to go to.

 

I'm not deflecting it to be about the bride and groom, and if it seems like that to you, others could read between the lines then? Either way it *IS* about whether or not he attends the wedding alone. It's not because the bride and groom didn't invite me per se really. And no, he DOESN'T need to go to the wedding. Just as I wasn't invited, and they aren't required to invite me, he isn't required to go either. My point was, if he chose to go (which he did!) I was pissed off about it, mostly for the reasons d0nnivain stated.

 

Elswyth: I know it seems odd that this is the straw that broke the camel's back, but it kind of is. If I gave you all a history of my "relationship" you would all think I am even crazier than I already seem. Only now do things seem a lot better...then this happened. What next? lol...

[stillafool]

Well apparently your fiance isn't as committed to you as you are to him. Or, he has different values. Since there has been so much drama that this is the straw that broke the camel's back, I imagine you are now rethinking your engagement. Is that right?

[bathtub-row]

I was cheated on once and, after months of being separated and him showing true remorse, we got back together. It wasn’t long before he started planting seeds of doubt in my mind.

 

One day, while I was out with my sister and having a lot of fun, he drove to a bar that was near where the OW lived. It was out of the way and he had no earthly reason to be there. When we spoke on the phone, he mentioned he was there. My sister said she could see my face go white and my whole spirit sink. I was speechless that he would do that. At the same time, I believed him that he wasn’t there with the OW. On the surface, his actions seemed innocent but I broke up with him over it. He was shocked. It was his blatant disrespect for me and him basically throwing the affair in my face, as though tantalizing me with it.

 

Like in this case, it may seem like a small thing to break up with someone over but it was true that he was disrespecting me and subtly causing me to doubt him. Game over.

 

That’s the only time I was cheated on and the only time I forgave it. Knowing what I know now, I’d never forgive cheating again.

 

OP, your bf will never value you the way you want him to. Try not to take it personally. It’s not about you, it’s about him. Just leave.

[Whoknew30]

I'm not deflecting it to be about the bride and groom, and if it seems like that to you, others could read between the lines then? Either way it *IS* about whether or not he attends the wedding alone. It's not because the bride and groom didn't invite me per se really. And no, he DOESN'T need to go to the wedding. Just as I wasn't invited, and they aren't required to invite me, he isn't required to go either. My point was, if he chose to go (which he did!) I was pissed off about it, mostly for the reasons d0nnivain stated.

 

Elswyth: I know it seems odd that this is the straw that broke the camel's back, but it kind of is. If I gave you all a history of my "relationship" you would all think I am even crazier than I already seem. Only now do things seem a lot better...then this happened. What next? lol...

 

Getting mad bc your bc bf & gf aren’t invited to everything & “how dare you go somewhere without with me”. If your relationship was strong it wouldn’t matter! No the perfect relationship is not “If I say no, you should too”...a good relationship doesn’t focus on such pettiness.

 

You didn’t ask for advice on the cheating aspect so I won’t give it but I will say...it’s his childhood best friend & bc you sound a little clingy bc his past discretions, he may want just want to enjoy himself fully with his friends vs walking around on eggshells & dividing his energy/attention between you & his friends.

 

I wouldn't blame him or anyone.

Edited April 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed personal attack

[bathtub-row]

You sound like a teenage girl. Getting mad bc your bc bf & gf aren’t invited to everything & “how dare you go somewhere without with me”. If your relationship was strong it wouldn’t matter! No the perfect relationship is not “If I say no, you should too”...a good relationship doesn’t focus on such pettiness.

 

You didn’t ask for advice on the cheating aspect so I won’t give it but I will say...it’s his childhood best friend & bc you sound a little clingy bc his past discretions, he may want just want to enjoy himself fully with his friends vs walking around on eggshells & dividing his energy/attention between you & his friends.

 

You sound desperate within your own relationship & that should be your biggest focus...good luck

 

I wouldn't blame him or anyone.

 

I don’t think this is true. I would be incredibly offended if my long-term bf went to a wedding without me. People not inviting their guest’s SO’s are just stirring up problems by doing this. If they’re so strapped for money, then keep the guest list small. It’s tacky, tacky, tacky not to invite the SO.

[elaine567]

Elswyth: I know it seems odd that this is the straw that broke the camel's back, but it kind of is. If I gave you all a history of my "relationship" you would all think I am even crazier than I already seem. Only now do things seem a lot better...then this happened. What next? lol...

 

This is the kind of thing that tends to happen with cheaters.

Your radar is permanently on, and whether or not he is actually cheating is immaterial as alarms are going off in your brain anyway.

Only way to get some peace is to cut him loose.

[preraph]

I'm not deflecting it to be about the bride and groom, and if it seems like that to you, others could read between the lines then? Either way it *IS* about whether or not he attends the wedding alone. It's not because the bride and groom didn't invite me per se really. And no, he DOESN'T need to go to the wedding. Just as I wasn't invited, and they aren't required to invite me, he isn't required to go either. My point was, if he chose to go (which he did!) I was pissed off about it, mostly for the reasons d0nnivain stated.

 

Elswyth: I know it seems odd that this is the straw that broke the camel's back, but it kind of is. If I gave you all a history of my "relationship" you would all think I am even crazier than I already seem. Only now do things seem a lot better...then this happened. What next? lol...

 

He should go to the wedding. This is a good friend of his. You're being unreasonable and you don't trust him and I get that, so you should break up, but not because of the wedding.

[stillafool]

Getting mad bc your bc bf & gf aren’t invited to everything & “how dare you go somewhere without with me”. If your relationship was strong it wouldn’t matter! No the perfect relationship is not “If I say no, you should too”...a good relationship doesn’t focus on such pettiness.

 

You didn’t ask for advice on the cheating aspect so I won’t give it but I will say...it’s his childhood best friend & bc you sound a little clingy bc his past discretions, he may want just want to enjoy himself fully with his friends vs walking around on eggshells & dividing his energy/attention between you & his friends.

 

You sound desperate within your own relationship & that should be your biggest focus...good luck

 

I wouldn't blame him or anyone.

 

I would not want to be with anyone who couldn't trust me or allow me to attend the wedding of my childhood friend. That would be a major red flag for me. Even if he cheated on you, you took him back and are now engaged to him so you must have forgiven him. Does this mean you have to now police his actions for the duration of your engagement/marriage? If so, don't waste your money on a wedding because your marriage will not last. If you have truly forgiven his past actions you have to reinstate trust back into the relationship. I do think he wants to go alone because it will be more fun for him without having to babysit you. Personally, if I were you I'd rather stay home and make other plans.

Edited April 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

And also why he would think I would be ok with him traveling across the country to attend alone is beyond me.

 

Sums up your situation in a nutshell.

 

Lots of people in in relationships travel by themselves without issue - heck, my wife went to Shanghai to help a friend open a school. She trusts me, I trust her, I was happy for her to go, it was quite an adventure.

 

You don't trust him to go to Walmart alone - or even with you, based on your other thread. Why sentence yourself to a life of drama and continued pain?

 

Mr. Lucky

[sodasot]

 

You don't trust him to go to Walmart alone - or even with you, based on your other thread. Why sentence yourself to a life of drama and continued pain?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't have any other threads here, you may be confusing me with someone else. If I have a past thread on here it's not about him. Comparing my boyfriend driving to Walmart to buy whatever versus him getting on a plane and traveling almost 9 hours to to a romantic event is not even worth arguing over...

[sodasot]

I don’t think this is true. I would be incredibly offended if my long-term bf went to a wedding without me. People not inviting their guest’s SO’s are just stirring up problems by doing this. If they’re so strapped for money, then keep the guest list small. It’s tacky, tacky, tacky not to invite the SO.

 

I agree with you. Even if he didn't have a history of cheating, I would be upset he would be traveling across the country to go to a romantic event without me. I think that's a rational feeling...Even if you're on "team-not-everyone-gets-a-plus-one"

And I absolutely understand when you explained your trigger of the bar near OW's house. This is exactly how I feel no matter how petty it may sound to some. Bottom line is we are working on rebuilding and trust, and a wedding in the state he cheated on me with a bunch of his single buddies is NOT helping.

 

I would not want to be with anyone who couldn't trust me or allow me to attend the wedding of my childhood friend. That would be a major red flag for me.

Where did I ever say he wasn't ALLOWED to do something? Now that would be insane.

I think a few of you are thinking I am forbidding him from doing something he can very well decide to do if he wishes.

Again, I appreciate your opinions, but let's be realistic...

[Whoknew30]

I don’t think this is true. I would be incredibly offended if my long-term bf went to a wedding without me. People not inviting their guest’s SO’s are just stirring up problems by doing this. If they’re so strapped for money, then keep the guest list small. It’s tacky, tacky, tacky not to invite the SO.

 

No it’s not tacky...in fact in absolutely any etiquette book, it’s not rude not to extend invites to those that are not married. It’s not starting anything, if you’re not married it’s perfectly acceptable to not send a plus one invite. “Like we’re married” is not married.

 

 

Also maybe they asked him if he wanted to bring her & he said no. If you read the rest of my comment, I also stated her being clingy & him not wanting to spread his attention off of his childhood best friend, that has been in his life a lot longer & will be there if they ever break up. If i thought I had To pay attention more to my bf while trying to celebrate my childhood best friend’s wedding...I wouldn't want them their either. They’ve grown up together, it’s his day to give to his friend...it’s not about her.

 

My husband’s friends gf’s weren’t invited to everything over the years & guess what...barely any of them got married. See how that works, dating is just dating for a reason.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't have any other threads here, you may be confusing me with someone else. If I have a past thread on here it's not about him. Comparing my boyfriend driving to Walmart to buy whatever versus him getting on a plane and traveling almost 9 hours to to a romantic event is not even worth arguing over...

 

My apologies, I did indeed conflate two different threads.

 

But the point remains the same. The wedding is just a symptom, distrust is the disease.

 

What are you afraid he'll do on this trip without you? If you fear he'll chat up some stewardess, he can do that - and more - with the barista around the corner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

My point was, if he chose to go (which he did!) I was pissed off about it, mostly for the reasons d0nnivain stated.

 

 

 

Sorry OP, but the fact that you get pissed off about not being invited and him deciding to go is controlling. He isn't allowed to celebrate with his friends without you getting pissed off because he accepted the invite to go without you.

[sodasot]

No it’s not tacky...in fact in absolutely any etiquette book, it’s not rude not to extend invites to those that are not married. It’s not starting anything, if you’re not married it’s perfectly acceptable to not send a plus one invite. “Like we’re married” is not married.

 

 

Also maybe they asked him if he wanted to bring her & he said no. If you read the rest of my comment, I also stated her being clingy & him not wanting to spread his attention off of his childhood best friend, that has been in his life a lot longer & will be there if they ever break up. If i thought I had To pay attention more to my bf while trying to celebrate my childhood best friend’s wedding...I wouldn't want them their either. They’ve grown up together, it’s his day to give to his friend...it’s not about her.

 

My husband’s friends gf’s weren’t invited to everything over the years & guess what...barely any of them got married. See how that works, dating is just dating for a reason.

 

I think whether or not it's tacky or not not to invite someone to your own wedding- There isn't really a right or wrong answer. So you draw the line at married couples? It's a genuine question because hypothetically if I were to marry this guy, and I had a wedding does that mean I have to invite his friend's wife? I mean neither my boyfriend or I know her really. And...it's our wedding. Just curious where you draw the line (a collective you)

And I'm not saying I would personally do this, because I am the one that finds it rude. It's just a question.

 

 

But regarding this friend in particular, my boyfriend's mom went to jail for embezzlement his senior year of high school, the groom including his family entirely wrote off my boyfriend and wouldn't speak to him after that. Of course my boyfriend hadn't done anything, and was devastated, but they didn't want to be associated. It's really only now that everyone is adults that they've reconnected in some way.

So I guess my point in telling you this is, sure, this guy could be there after we break up if we do, but I don't really think hes a great friend to begin with personally.