Longterm bf was planning on going to a wedding without me

[sodasot]

Sorry OP, but the fact that you get pissed off about not being invited and him deciding to go is controlling. He isn't allowed to celebrate with his friends without you getting pissed off because he accepted the invite to go without you.

 

So, not sure if you're married, or in a relationship, But let's just say hypothetically your significant other got invited to a wedding in Hawaii, you wouldn't be upset that you couldn't go? In some way? At the very least would you be upset that your husband was giving up one of his weeks in vacation time (out of two) that he wouldn't be spending with you?

I'm sorry, I find that very hard to believe

[d0nnivain]

Here's what my cousin did when he was invited to a destination wedding without a plus one: He booked the trip with his GF. He skipped all the pre-wedding things to spend time with her. During the wedding itself he set up her with a spa day (or something else that she wanted, I don't remember the details) but he was gone for a few hours & then came back to her. They had a lovely trip.

 

So how do you & your cheater BF feel about you accompanying him to NY? You fly out together. You two enjoy NYC. He heads to the hamptons for the day. While he's at the wedding itself you go to a Broadway play or go shopping, treat yourself to an amazing dinner somewhere. There are a million things to do in NYC for several hours by yourself. It's also a city where loners don't stick out.

 

So to answer your Q, if my SO was invited to a destination wedding & I wasn't invited, I'd go on the trip anyway & spend time exploring the destination while he's at the wedding.

[BaileyB]

Here's what my cousin did when he was invited to a destination wedding without a plus one: He booked the trip with his GF. He skipped all the pre-wedding things to spend time with her. During the wedding itself he set up her with a spa day (or something else that she wanted, I don't remember the details) but he was gone for a few hours & then came back to her. They had a lovely trip.

 

So how do you & your cheater BF feel about you accompanying him to NY? You fly out together. You two enjoy NYC. He heads to the hamptons for the day. While he's at the wedding itself you go to a Broadway play or go shopping, treat yourself to an amazing dinner somewhere. There are a million things to do in NYC for several hours by yourself. It's also a city where loners don't stick out.

 

So to answer your Q, if my SO was invited to a destination wedding & I wasn't invited, I'd go on the trip anyway & spend time exploring the destination while he's at the wedding.

 

Also what I was thinking. Make it a “trip” for the two of you.

[BaileyB]

I think whether or not it's tacky or not not to invite someone to your own wedding- There isn't really a right or wrong answer. So you draw the line at married couples? It's a genuine question because hypothetically if I were to marry this guy, and I had a wedding does that mean I have to invite his friend's wife?

 

I don't really think hes a great friend to begin with personally.

 

Well then, he won’t mind if you go along and make a holiday out of the event.

 

Weddings are difficult because they inevitably create hard feelings for someone. Wedding etiquette would dictate that you invite the significant other of your friend, while many these days decide not to because weddings are expensive, they are trying to keep numbers down, and have only those who they know and love.

 

Let’s not forget, you have met this person once. And here, you say that they are not even great friends. For those two reasons, you wouldn’t get an invitition from me. If you did, it would only because ettiequite would suggest that you “should” be invited. It doesn’t matter how long you/or the other couple have been together, or whether you will someday/will not get married. You have met this person once and your boyfriend rarely sees him. Whether you attend the wedding or not matters nothing to this couple - it’s their day, not yours.

Edited April 18, 2019 by BaileyB

[Els]

I would not want to be with anyone who couldn't trust me or allow me to attend the wedding of my childhood friend. That would be a major red flag for me. Even if he cheated on you, you took him back and are now engaged to him so you must have forgiven him. Does this mean you have to now police his actions for the duration of your engagement/marriage? If so, don't waste your money on a wedding because your marriage will not last. If you have truly forgiven his past actions you have to reinstate trust back into the relationship. I do think he wants to go alone because it will be more fun for him without having to babysit you. Personally, if I were you I'd rather stay home and make other plans.

 

 

No, I don't think it's the same if someone has cheated multiple times. The onus is on the cheater to provide as much transparency and make as many reparations as possible, you can't expect to cheat over and over again and then still have the same freedoms as a person who has never betrayed their partner's trust.

 

 

(Which is why I really think the OP should leave. There is literally no reason to stay. They're not married, have no kids, don't even own a house together. Why stay after multiple indiscretions?)

[BaileyB]

(Which is why I really think the OP should leave. There is literally no reason to stay. They're not married, have no kids, don't even own a house together. Why stay after multiple indiscretions?)

 

Agree completely. As someone said earlier, the only thing worse than a cheater is a serial cheater...

 

OP, I don’t know what this couple knows about your relationship, particularly if you live far, don’t see them often, and your boyfriend isn’t really good friends with this guy anymore... but, if they know of your on again/off again past, perhaps they are thinking “It’s on again now, but who knows how long this will last... Past history would dictate that this relationship is not going to go the distance so why invite this woman to our wedding...”

 

You may be looking at this as “we could get married someday” while they may be looking at your post history and saying “it is unlikely that this woman/these people will be a in our lives in a significant way for years to come...”

[elaine567]

Bottom line is we are working on rebuilding and trust, and a wedding in the state he cheated on me with a bunch of his single buddies is NOT helping.

 

Ok so the wedding is being held in the same state and are these the same buddies too?

[anika99]

Getting mad bc your bc bf & gf aren’t invited to everything & “how dare you go somewhere without with me”. If your relationship was strong it wouldn’t matter! No the perfect relationship is not “If I say no, you should too”...a good relationship doesn’t focus on such pettiness.

 

You didn’t ask for advice on the cheating aspect so I won’t give it but I will say...it’s his childhood best friend & bc you sound a little clingy bc his past discretions, he may want just want to enjoy himself fully with his friends vs walking around on eggshells & dividing his energy/attention between you & his friends.

 

You sound desperate within your own relationship & that should be your biggest focus...good luck

 

I wouldn't blame him or anyone.

 

I don't agree with this at all. Under normal circumstances it may be childish to get upset about your boyfriend attending a childhood friend's wedding without you but since he has cheated on you, he doesn't deserve your trust. There are natural consequences to cheating and one of those is that the betrayed person is not going to trust the cheater for a very very long time. If the cheater can't handle that then they are free to leave the relationship but if they decide to stay then they need to suck it up and do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship and the trust within it. One of those things may very well be that you don't get to attend your best friend's wedding if it means travelling without your partner.

 

OP I used to forgive my partners repeatedly for the things they did that hurt me or disrespected me. I just always believed their words of remorse and their flowery apologies. That was a mistake. People show you who they are by their actions, not their words. Your bf has shown you that he can't be trusted and that he doesn't value you or respect your feelings. I think you really need to think about why you are in this relationship and if it's truly worth it.

Edited April 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Timshel]

...kind of shows why he or they may not want you there, you’re sounding disrespectful, immature & spiteful.

 

Yes, you’d invite the wife bc she’s his “wife”...you’re not a wife & if the guy is awful why do you care? What if you guys break up? Do you know how silly you’ll feel even caring...as I daid, I’ve watched my husband’s friends break up with a lot of girls...if you want to be a wife, get married yourself. Fixes your whol issue.

 

 

I'm almost 100% sure that Sodasot wrote in a prior post that there is at least another gf/bf couple invited to this wedding.

 

 

 

Wife or gf is quite beside the point in this thread because the bf has a history of cheating. It isn't clear whether or not the couple to be married are simply doing as the bf has requested or are making an independent decision.

 

I would presume from the information presented that the marrying couple are following instruction, as there are other unmarried plus one's in invitation and the previous infidelity in OP's relationship.

 

 

This quibble is all beside the point of trust in Sodasot's relationship.

 

Sodasot, you are trying to rebuild a healthy foundation of trust in your relationship...that does require effort from both of you and some sacrifices, such as this, on your bf's part.

 

 

He is not willing to make the sacrifices you need to rebuild your trust.

[BaileyB]

Bottom line is we are working on rebuilding and trust, and a wedding in the state he cheated on me with a bunch of his single buddies is NOT helping.

 

Again, this is not about the wedding. The wedding and the fact that he will be returning to “the scene of the crime” is triggering your lack of trust in this man. And again, rightfully so. You would be very unwise to trust this man. You are angry, not necessarily at the engaged couple because they have slighted you with the invitation, but at your boyfriend because he is not showing any consideration or concern for your feelings. Given your past history, it is his responsibility to ease your concern and he can do that by taking you along for the trip (whether you attend the wedding or not) or not going.

 

In any other situation, it would not be unreasonable to expect that he would go to the wedding alone. Sure, it’s not the most socially appropriate thing for the engaged couple not to include you but given the fact that they don’t know you and they don’t have a close relationship with your boyfriend, it’s understandable.

 

The sad reality for you is that if you chose to stay with this man, it will always be a risk to trust him. You can’t keep track of him 24/7 - nor should you have to with the man you chose to be your life partner. If this is what you want for your future - insecurity, fear, conflict, and constant hyper vigilance... you’ve got it! If you want more for yourself and your partner, then you have some thinking to do...

[sodasot]

She is not being immature. The relationship this guy needs to be working on is the one he has with the woman HE CHEATED ON, not the one he had with some guy who ditched him years ago when the chips were down. And the OP doesn't deserve to have her feelings invalidated just because she is not a wife. Of course this couple doesn't have to invite her to the wedding if they don't want to but the OP is still entitled to her feelings about it.

 

Thanks. I appreciate it, to me your comment is accurate of my feelings. Had he never cheated on me and I posted that I prefer he doesn't go(just really due to insecurity or being controlling)- that's nutso. But you are right. If he chooses to stay in this relationship, he needs to do all he can to make me feel secure again. He was "free" to do whatever he wanted prior to cheating. And all the times he cheated on me, I was on work trips or he was away (alone) himself. Him traveling 3000 miles away alone doesn't make me feel good. People can call me immature and controlling all they want. If he wants to work on it, I am sorry he lost his "right" to traveling and partying with his buddies right now. Or he can choose to go! It's up to him!

 

I think some of the comments are a bit much. People online these days like to sit behind a screen and type random **** to fit their narrative.

Like the person who is saying I am "throwing a fit"

When? Maybe it seems like it on here (to you), but again, this is merely a discussion I am having with my boyfriend (and all of you for that matter). I told him how I felt, and I told him he should also go if he wants to. I cannot control him, but I absolutely have an opinion on what I want him to do.

[BaileyB]

Sodasot, why do you stay?

 

“All the times he has cheated on me when I was on work trips” indicates that this has happened more than once. Were there multiple women? Do you still travel for work - does this not trigger you, the fact that you are not able to travel for a work trip and trust that he can be faithful when horn alone?

 

How does it feel, having to tell him that you do not want him to travel to attend a friends wedding because you can not trust him? Knowing that you have to keep him close to home, to monitor his actions, in much the same way a mother must supervise a child who has misbehaved.

 

It is a serious question - is this really what you want for your life? Is this sustainable long term? Is this really what you want for yourself? And your life partner?

[sodasot]

Sodasot, why do you stay?

 

“All the times he has cheated on me when I was on work trips” indicates that this has happened more than once. Were there multiple women? Do you still travel for work - does this not trigger you, the fact that you are not able to travel for a work trip and trust that he can be faithful when horn alone?

 

How does it feel, having to tell him that you do not want him to travel to attend a friends wedding because you can not trust him? Knowing that you have to keep him close to home, to monitor his actions, in much the same way a mother must supervise a child who has misbehaved.

 

It is a serious question - is this really what you want for your life? Is this sustainable long term? Is this really what you want for yourself? And your life partner?

 

Yes I still travel for work. I haven't been on a trip in a while though. And yes, it sucks, it's absolutely terrible to feel this way. It's definitely not what I want or what I expected. I am not entirely sure it's sustainable long term. I have 6 months left on my lease with him, and I was seeing how to went. Taking it day by day, but as a few others pointed out, during this rebuilding time, I would have hoped he would figure out on his own that I would be uncomfortable with him going because of his history. It didn't occur to him (until I told him) and to me, yes, that's a problem.

[Timshel]

As gently as possible...there is no excuse on earth that it 'didn't occur to him, till you pointed it out.'

 

You are trying really hard, Sodasot...you really want this relationship to work despite all evidence to the contrary and a lot of pain for yourself.

Why is that?

[sodasot]

As gently as possible...there is no excuse on earth that it 'didn't occur to him, till you pointed it out.'

 

You are trying really hard, Sodasot...you really want this relationship to work despite all evidence to the contrary and a lot of pain for yourself.

Why is that?

 

I agree with you. To me, there is no way it really couldn't have crossed his mind..but then again, he's full of surprises isn't he. I also can't comprehend betraying someone I alledgedly love though either.

I constantly make excuses for him and his actions. You are right, it's because I want to see it work. He keeps showing me it's likely not possible

[Timshel]

He is a convenient distraction...as long as you are preoccupied with the hurt he is shelling out to you, well...you really don't have to look too deeply at yourself.

See how that works.

 

You already know this relationship is a gonner, there is no way you should marry or have children with a man who treats you with so little respect. You know this already. On some level, the drama keeps your mind off more important stuff, about you.

 

You will be the person and have the life you have in your heart when you face your fears and look at yourself Sodasot. It's much easier when you let the heavy weight of a messed up relationship go. It really is, you're scared to face life and yourself but lady, you'll have to trust me, it is easier to let the dead weight go.

 

If I had read this thread and thought for a minute that you will be better for sticking it out with this schmuck, i'd say so.

This relationship is past it's expatriation date, that's why it feels like crap.

[bathtub-row]

I’m curious about the times he cheated on you — how you found out, what was the time between each incident, and was it with the same woman?

[BaileyB]

If I may, it’s also easier to stay than to leave and find another partner. You seem to have your eyes wide open OP, which is good. Just don’t waste too much time on a guy who has proven himself unworthy of your trust - you deserve so much more.

 

Best wishes!

[stillafool]

So, not sure if you're married, or in a relationship, But let's just say hypothetically your significant other got invited to a wedding in Hawaii, you wouldn't be upset that you couldn't go? In some way? At the very least would you be upset that your husband was giving up one of his weeks in vacation time (out of two) that he wouldn't be spending with you?

I'm sorry, I find that very hard to believe

 

Yes I am married. My husband was invited to a golf event in CA (3,000 mi from home), I bought him a new golf outfit and kissed him goodbye. It was a fun week for me to just pamper myself. I felt refreshed.

[sodasot]

Thanks honestly to everyone, even to those I don't agree with for whatever reason. These are things I don't share really with my family or friends, hence me venting and/or asking the advice of strangers.

 

 

I’m curious about the times he cheated on you — how you found out, what was the time between each incident, and was it with the same woman?

 

Well girl, I'm about to blow your mind I'm sure...

Never the same woman (or man)

First one was a friend of the family his mom set him up with when they were visiting his "dying" gramma in 2017. Gramma still alive and he claims to this day it was emotional/texting only. Don't believe him still.

Second was exchange of very sexual texts with different girl. Not physical

Third was actual sex with some random one when he was drunk and I was in Europe for work

Fourth was I caught him talking to a transgender woman on snapchat. Not physical but clearly highly inappropriate and confusing...

Fifth was he alledgedly made out with my ex-husband's brother while I was in Europe with my ex husband and ex's mom dropping off my daughter at boarding school. He vehemently denies this. This one I am not sure about, because my ex's family is crazy. But considering he was talking to a transgender it's not out of the question.

 

So yeah, there's that. So now you guys are gonna think I'm even crazier.

[sodasot]

Yes I am married. My husband was invited to a golf event in CA (3,000 mi from home), I bought him a new golf outfit and kissed him goodbye. It was a fun week for me to just pamper myself. I felt refreshed.

 

That sounds really healthy and normal. I imagine your husband hasn't cheated on you before.

[BaileyB]

That’s five strikes - he would definitely be out for me.

 

Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern... five times doesn’t even make this a hard decision for me.

 

You seem like such a lovely person. Why are you settling for this... a lease is a lease, it’s money. Get yourself out of this relationship. You deserve a man who you can love and trust - men who love you don’t do do this...

[stillafool]

That sounds really healthy and normal. I imagine your husband hasn't cheated on you before.

 

No, he hasn't.

[Els]

Oh, OP.

 

 

A 6-month lease is sometimes negotiable. Sometimes they will allow a break if you pay some additional costs and find someone else to take the place. Are both of your names on the lease or only one?

[sodasot]

Oh, OP.

 

 

A 6-month lease is sometimes negotiable. Sometimes they will allow a break if you pay some additional costs and find someone else to take the place. Are both of your names on the lease or only one?

Yeah it's a lot on my plate eh?

Both of us on lease. I don't think I can break...and would like my daughter who is no longer in boarding school to finish out the year. Can't afford on my own. Live in a rich town for the schools so very expensive rent.