Longterm bf was planning on going to a wedding without me

[fishlips]

Yeah it's a lot on my plate eh?

Both of us on lease. I don't think I can break...and would like my daughter who is no longer in boarding school to finish out the year. Can't afford on my own. Live in a rich town for the schools so very expensive rent.

 

Can you get a roommate? This isn't a healthy situation for you. If the guy cheated that many times, he's not going to change. You deserve to find someone who will treat you well.

 

Believe me, if he were a stand up guy, you wouldn't be worried about him going on a trip 3000 miles away.

[stillafool]

Thanks honestly to everyone, even to those I don't agree with for whatever reason. These are things I don't share really with my family or friends, hence me venting and/or asking the advice of strangers.

 

 

 

 

Well girl, I'm about to blow your mind I'm sure...

Never the same woman (or man)

First one was a friend of the family his mom set him up with when they were visiting his "dying" gramma in 2017. Gramma still alive and he claims to this day it was emotional/texting only. Don't believe him still.

Second was exchange of very sexual texts with different girl. Not physical

Third was actual sex with some random one when he was drunk and I was in Europe for work

Fourth was I caught him talking to a transgender woman on snapchat. Not physical but clearly highly inappropriate and confusing...

Fifth was he alledgedly made out with my ex-husband's brother while I was in Europe with my ex husband and ex's mom dropping off my daughter at boarding school. He vehemently denies this. This one I am not sure about, because my ex's family is crazy. But considering he was talking to a transgender it's not out of the question.

 

So yeah, there's that. So now you guys are gonna think I'm even crazier.

 

Why would you even be with a guy who has treated you like trash 5 times? Please get your daughter away from this relationship before she thinks this is what women have to put up with to have a man.

[bathtub-row]

Yeah, I agree this is a horrible situation for you to be in. I’m hoping your daughter is from a different guy, and not your current gay-wanna-be bf. If nothing else, bide your time and start looking for a new place a couple of mos before your lease is up.

 

I guess I’m lost here - even the slightest hint that a guy is gay, effeminate, etc, I shut down. Not that I care if someone is gay or not, just as long as it’s not someone I’m sleeping with. I don’t know how you can stand to be around this guy.

[Els]

Yeah, I agree this is a horrible situation for you to be in. I’m hoping your daughter is from a different guy, and not your current gay-wanna-be bf. If nothing else, bide your time and start looking for a new place a couple of mos before your lease is up.

 

I guess I’m lost here - even the slightest hint that a guy is gay, effeminate, etc, I shut down. Not that I care if someone is gay or not, just as long as it’s not someone I’m sleeping with. I don’t know how you can stand to be around this guy.

 

 

Umm, transgender women are women. That aside, the issue isn't his sexuality, the issue is his cheating. I would certainly hope that you'd care just as much if your partner slept with another woman.

[Mr. Lucky]

So how do you & your cheater BF feel about you accompanying him to NY?

 

For some reason, this description made me snort coffee all over my desk ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sodasot]

Umm, transgender women are women. That aside, the issue isn't his sexuality, the issue is his cheating. I would certainly hope that you'd care just as much if your partner slept with another woman.

 

I disagree in the sense that you say they issue also isn't his sexuality. It is absolutely an issue.

When we first got into relationship, I believed I was in a monogamous relationship with a straight man. Then he's texting a transgender woman 3 years later. And I'm sorry, I know it's 2019 and you aren't allowed to say it, but she had a penis. You can call yourself or feel whatever you want. Anyone has that right. You can get an operation to get a vagina. This particular woman didn't have one, and those are just the facts.

I'm not saying anyone has to be straight, or whatever, but had I known from the jump he was gay, bi, whatever you want to label it other than straight, I wouldn't have involved myself. Too much going on. That's a personal choice. Doesn't make it wrong, (and not claiming you said it was either)

At any rate, he claims he's not gay, or even bi, he was apparently raped in college by a man and confused. After he told me that, when I caught him texting the transgender woman, we broke up and he went into heavy therapy and AA. Since then is the only time I saw any change in him. Now here we are with the wedding.

[sodasot]

For some reason, this description made me snort coffee all over my desk ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Out of all of this BS I am typing you're snorting over that? Lol

 

But to answer earlier questions, I spent 20 years of my life living in New York City I have no desire to go to a Broadway play or to eat at restaurants I have ate at million times. I left NYC because I was sick of it. West coast much more peaceful for me at this stage in my life. So no I wouldn't accompany him on the trip, nor does it sound like a vacation to me. But I do realize it was just a suggestion from you all, If this wedding was in Saint Martin I would go :-)

[bathtub-row]

Umm, transgender women are women. That aside, the issue isn't his sexuality, the issue is his cheating. I would certainly hope that you'd care just as much if your partner slept with another woman.

 

Label it any way you want, but a person born with a penis is a male, and a person born with a vagina is a female. That person may not IDENTIFY with their gender but that doesn’t change their gender. They can have those parts cut off or other parts added on but it still doesn’t change anything in terms of actual gender. What society has been brainwashed into calling transgender is a fallacy. ‘Gender Identity’ is much more accurate term. And a man who’s attracted to another man is either bi or gay.

 

I never said an affair wasn’t a dealbreaker - particularly a 5-time offender. What I said, in essence, was that a guy being bi or gay, for me, would make the relationship go nuclear immediately - no questions asked. Where, years ago, I might forgive cheating if enough time went by, we talked it out, etc. Nowadays I wouldn’t. But there was NEVER a time when I found it even remotely acceptable, negotiable, or tolerable to be with a guy who showed signs of being gay.

 

And, yes, his sexuality absolutely is an issue as far as I’m concerned.

[Timshel]

West coast over Hamptons....lol, it's a personal choice.

 

No need to get bothered Sodasot.

 

 

 

What do you think after thinking about this? What is happening with your relationship?

That's why you're here, so what is the update?

[BaileyB]

I disagree in the sense that you say they issue also isn't his sexuality. It is absolutely an issue.

 

When we first got into relationship, I believed I was in a monogamous relationship with a straight man. Then he's texting a transgender woman 3 years later.

 

To each their own, but his sexuality would be a big issue for me too. There is nothing wrong with feeling how you feel...

 

I’m a little bewildered as to how you find yourself in a relationship three+ years later with a man who has cheated on you five times, is sexually confused, and now we learn - attending AA (which makes me think he has had issues with addiction). The time to bail from this relationship was a LONG time ago - we obviously don’t know the whole story but it’s hard not to think that part of your issue now is that you didn’t attend to the red flags and stayed too long...

 

I agree with the poster who said it would be wise to keep your daughter away from this relationship, lest she learn that this is what she should expect from a man/relationship. I wish you luck OP as you attempt to untangle from this relationship.

[sodasot]

West coast over Hamptons....lol, it's a personal choice.

 

No need to get bothered Sodasot.

 

 

 

What do you think after thinking about this? What is happening with your relationship?

That's why you're here, so what is the update?

 

Really it's Cape Cod if I had The choice lol. I can do without the summer Hampton's crowd 100%. :-)

I don't have much update other than we did discuss it, and he isn't going to the wedding. I told him he should reconsider, as perhaps he took it like I was annoyed I wasn't invited but that's not really the case. I will update as we get closer to the wedding date. I do think he should go now though, as I don't think our relationship will survive. A lot of you have made excellent points, and truly it's stuff I already did know deep inside, but it's nice to hear other people say it when you lay your problems out. This is stuff I have only shared with my very very close friend so it gets a bit isolating.

[elaine567]

The wedding is the least of your worries...

Gay NSA sex is very easy to find, he could literally be getting a blow job any night on his way home. Quick, simple, uncomplicated and untraceable, no need to wine and dine a mistress...

[BaileyB]

We did discuss it, and he isn't going to the wedding. I do think he should go now though, as I don't think our relationship will survive.

 

I would let him go to the wedding. If you don’t plan to stay in this relationship (and really, that would be a very good decision), it’s not really fair to ask him to stay back from the wedding. Let him go and do what he wants to do...

 

I just wouldn’t be having sex with him if you think there is even the possibility that he is having sex with other people. Protect yourself.

[Mr. Lucky]

Out of all of this BS I am typing you're snorting over that? Lol

 

d0nnivain's comment struck me as funny, much of what you've posted strikes me as ... sad, for lack of a better word.

 

You come across as an intelligent, thoughtful and rational person. Why you don't think you deserve better than crumbs, lies and heartbreak is beyond me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Timshel]

Really it's Cape Cod if I had The choice lol. I can do without the summer Hampton's crowd 100%. :-) This is stuff I have only shared with my very very close friend so it gets a bit isolating.

 

 

You have me with the Cape but my Idaho is Vermont.

 

LS is where I came when I chose not to spill my troubles on the people around me, I get it and you aren't alone.

 

 

 

So, it's not going to work out with cheater...that's a good thing. You will increase your positive energy with every better decision that you make.

 

 

Best Sodasot.

[BettyDraper]

This situation shows how little respect your boyfriend has for you or your relationship.

 

It's the norm to take partners to weddings. If you aren't invited, your boyfriend should not be fine with attending on his own.

That's showing his friends that you aren't important to him.

 

Since he's a serial cheater, I think you have bigger fish to fry than being excluded from a wedding. Why on earth do you want to marry this man?

[giotto]

If you aren't invited, your boyfriend should not be fine with attending on his own.

 

Or at least he should ask her if she is OK about him going on his own...

 

That said, he knows that she wouldn't be OK, that's why it's been given as a fait accompli...

[stillafool]

The wedding is the least of your worries...

Gay NSA sex is very easy to find, he could literally be getting a blow job any night on his way home. Quick, simple, uncomplicated and untraceable, no need to wine and dine a mistress...

 

Or giving blow jobs.

[Mrs._December]

Taking it day by day, but as a few others pointed out, during this rebuilding time, I would have hoped he would figure out on his own that I would be uncomfortable with him going because of his history. It didn't occur to him (until I told him) and to me, yes, that's a problem.

Soda, this is where you're failing to recognize the difference between regret and remorse.

 

Regret is him crying all over the place every time you caught him, and proclaiming his undying love to you and telling you how he can't lose you and how he's going to be a better man and he's now realized how much you mean to him and blah blah blah. And then what happened after each time you caught him and he cried the blues about his never-ending love for you, Sodasot? He went right out and did it AGAIN the minute the next opportunity fell in his lap.

 

And these times are only the ones you KNOW about. It would be incredibly naive to think for one second that every single time he's cheated on you, you've miraculously caught him. The odds of that being true are very low.

 

Anyway, each time he was caught you got the same song and dance about how he was going to be a better man and he loves only you and on and on and on. Words are cheap. Wait - they're FREE. So it's very easy to cry a few tears and proclaim your undying love and loyalty to someone when you're about to LOSE what you've got.

 

You're not seeing remorse. You're seeing regret - regret for being caught.

 

You see, if he were truly remorseful, he'd be driven to become a better man with morals and dignity and integrity, and he'd be doing every single thing he possibly COULD to become a better husband for you. Just because he's taking you out for date nights a little more now or he's finally starting to do more of his share around the house is NOT remorse. If he were truly remorseful, his priority would be to protect the fragile strands of trust you're trying to rebuild, and make sure nothing destroys them. And if he were truly remorseful, his first and most important priority would be making you feel SAFE and cherished.

 

He's not doing any of that. He was all set to go have himself a stag weekend in NY doing God knows what until you threw a monkey wrench in it and ruined his fun for him.

 

That's who you're trying so hard to 'reconcile' with. A sneaky, lying, deceitful and UNREMORSEFUL cheater who couldn't care less HOW hurt you are by his behavior and who doesn't give a rat's ass about rebuilding the trust HE destroyed. That's the guy you're sacrificing your self respect for, Sodasot.

 

Don't marry a serial cheater. You will live to regret it. That is a promise.

Edited April 19, 2019 by Mrs._December

[Mrs._December]

Never the same woman (or man)

First one was a friend of the family his mom set him up with when they were visiting his "dying" gramma in 2017. Gramma still alive and he claims to this day it was emotional/texting only. Don't believe him still.

Second was exchange of very sexual texts with different girl. Not physical

Third was actual sex with some random one when he was drunk and I was in Europe for work

Fourth was I caught him talking to a transgender woman on snapchat. Not physical but clearly highly inappropriate and confusing...

Fifth was he alledgedly made out with my ex-husband's brother while I was in Europe with my ex husband and ex's mom dropping off my daughter at boarding school. He vehemently denies this. This one I am not sure about, because my ex's family is crazy. But considering he was talking to a transgender it's not out of the question.

 

Deep down, you know it's time to go, don't you? By staying, all you're really doing at this point is just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

 

Please just go.

[stillafool]

Deep down, you know it's time to go, don't you? By staying, all you're really doing at this point is just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

 

 

:lmao:, OMG I don't mean to make light of OP's problem, but that phrase is hilarious Mrs. December.

[bathtub-row]

:lmao:, OMG I don't mean to make light of OP's problem, but that phrase is hilarious Mrs. December.

 

I agree! I love that expression and it’s so appropriate in this situation. I chuckled for awhile after I read that. Lol.

[BaileyB]

:lmao:, OMG I don't mean to make light of OP's problem, but that phrase is hilarious Mrs. December.

 

I plan to remember that one too... it’s awesome!

[Doorstopper]

To me, my childhood friends are as close as family, and might as well be family. I would travel the world for them, with or without my wife. But that is really beside the point. Dating is a trial period, potentially leading to marriage. A single act of cheating, should permanently end all thoughts of any long term future, married or otherwise. You have time to prepare yourself until your lease is up.

 

Your relationship has suffered through multiple acts of cheating, and potential sexuality questions on his part. The only "official" binding item keeping you together is you lease. Image its 5-10 years from now, and you are married with children. You discover, your husband is bisexual, has been for years, and has a long term affair in progress. Your lives are now complex and intertwined making divorce much much more difficult, than if you had left when the writing was on the wall.

 

Is it a possibility that you are his "cover" that allows him to hide a sexuality that he wishes to keep secret?

 

The choice is yours, but the writing is clearly on the wall.

[Whoknew30]

I don't agree with this at all. Under normal circumstances it may be childish to get upset about your boyfriend attending a childhood friend's wedding without you but since he has cheated on you, he doesn't deserve your trust. There are natural consequences to cheating and one of those is that the betrayed person is not going to trust the cheater for a very very long time. If the cheater can't handle that then they are free to leave the relationship but if they decide to stay then they need to suck it up and do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship and the trust within it. One of those things may very well be that you don't get to attend your best friend's wedding if it means travelling without your partner.

 

OP I used to forgive my partners repeatedly for the things they did that hurt me or disrespected me. I just always believed their words of remorse and their flowery apologies. That was a mistake. People show you who they are by their actions, not their words. Your bf has shown you that he can't be trusted and that he doesn't value you or respect your feelings. I think you really need to think about why you are in this relationship and if it's truly worth it.

 

 

She’s cutting them down as their cheap bc she doesn’t trust her bf. She’s behaving desperately & it’s all her choice to do so.

Edited April 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed some off topic personal attacks