You Really Can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

[vla1120]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I have been in active counseling for 4 years now, to help me navigate this situation. While we started out (most definitely) as co-dependent, I've worked very hard to set boundaries and have tried to keep them intact. He is a manipulator, but I have also allowed that, giving him far too much leeway for his poor behavior. No more for me. I have no guilt about his being alone. It is because of his own behavior and actions.

 

Yesterday, I contacted his son and told him "I am officially passing the baton to you. I will have no more contact with him."

 

I'm done. Now, I'm going to spend some time reestablishing MY goals and interests in life.

[vla1120]

I thought I would post an update (because this is such a good place to track my progress!) The stuff in bold is the interesting stuff - and the reason for my post. The rest is just an update.

 

In mid-August, I was done having any contact with him. At about 10pm on Halloween, he texted me saying he was not in good shape, could not even get himself out of bed and might need to go to the ER. He said he would drink water to try to hydrate himself enough to get out of bed and drive himself to the ER in the morning, but was worried about what to do if he could not (because he lives in a second floor walk-up and would not be able to get out of bed to answer the door if he decided he needed to call 911.) I told him if he was really that bad, he shouldn't wait until tomorrow and I would come over now, call 911, and be there when they respond to let them in.

 

I let myself in (for some reason, I kept my key to the apartment - probably knowing I would eventually need it.) When I saw him lying in the bed, I literally thought he was dead. There was no color, his skin was ashen and his face was so sunken in that he literally looked like a skull with eyes (open and staring off into the distance.) I told him he had to go to the ER NOW. I decided not to call 911 because I knew they would not transport him to the hospital where he is treated for his cancer. I cleaned him, dressed him, and helped him to my car. In the ER, they told me his organs were starting to shut down and he was lucky he came in when he did. He spent three days in the hospital, getting rehydrated, etc.

 

There were some comical moments (for me) in the hospital when I would try to explain to the doctors and nurses that I was his wife, we were estranged and did not live together, but I was the only person he could call. Once, he chimed in with "But I cannot trust her because she keeps disappearing on me." I retorted with "When he's not threatening to shoot me, or crossing my boundaries, I have no problem being his caretaker. When he is abusive or threatens me, yes, I shut down that behavior by dissipating before his very eyes." The doctor looked at him and said "Given that she got you here just in time, it sounds to me like you need to behave or you're going to die alone in your bed." (This doctor is aware of our history.) After that, he and I had a long conversation. I told him that I do not want any type of relationship with him other than being a caretaker. I'm not going to vacation with him. I'm not going to stay at his apartment unless it is a situation where I need to stay one or two nights while I am making arrangements for end-of-life hospice care, etc. I told him when he steps out of line, I WILL play the disappearing act again and again, until he gets it through his head that I am the ONLY person who cares enough to help him, so he better change his attitude. 

 

When he got to the ER that night, he weighed 110 (he's 6 ft tall.) When he left, he weighed 125. I know most of that was water weight, but still, he was able to eat and drink everything they fed him because they had stopped the chemo medication as well as the magnesium to allow his body to hold some of the nutrients. Since then, it has been a fragile balance of his medications that cause him to lose everything he eats and drinks. He maintained some of that weight. It's almost two months later, and he gains and loses pretty consistently. He alters his diet and cuts back on his meds (doctor's suggestion) until he gains a little again. 

 

We got through Thanksgiving with no drama. (HUGE!) We're coming up on Christmas. He does not talk to his son. I talk to his son. He says his son never calls or texts him. His son says he calls and texts but his father never answers. I tend to believe his son. I asked his son what he was doing for Christmas. He said he was staying home (about 6 hours away from his father) and said we were welcome to come and visit. I told his father. He said he does not want to see his son. Then, his daughter-in-law's mother (who has always been friendly with us, and with whom we spent last Thanksgiving) texted me and invited us over for Christmas Eve. I told her I was spending that day with my daughters, but I would let my husband know he was invited.  When I told him, he said "She did not invite me. She invited you." I told him she invited BOTH of us. He said "We are not a couple. She cannot ask you and expect you to answer for me." This is the FIRST time he has ever acknowledged that we are not a couple!! Even if it was a bit of a backhanded manipulative statement, to me, it indicates progress. Am I right to think it is a little progress? Then, awhile later, he said "You can tell her this - 'Okay. Thanks xxxxx, but I have plans already.'" I told him "I hope you really DO have plans! That would be great!" No response, but again, hope springs eternal!

 

A few times since October, he has increased his contact and started asking me to come over more often, during lunch, etc. I told him in October that I will come over twice per week to help him clean and cook and in that time, I don't mind if we play cards or watch TV for him to have some socialization, but nothing more. When he pressed for more time, I immediately put my foot down and told him that was not the agreement. So far, so good (but anyone who has followed this knows it rarely goes three months before drama ensues!)

 

Last night, I got a text from him that said "I enjoyed getting to know you. I hope to see more of you." Though a thousand thoughts ran through my head (Is he seeing someone? Is he dating? OMG, if he starts another relationship maybe I can have my life back FULLY!), I did not respond. About an hour later, he texted "Sorry. That was not for you." I responded "No problem" and do not intend to ever mention it again (though I'm SO curious!)

 

Part of me believes there is no way he would start dating. He told me years ago that I am his "last" and he never intends to meet anyone else. Knowing how black and white his world is, and how if he says something, he means it, I have doubts that he really is seeing someone. I believe more than likely, it's a manipulative tactic. He thinks if I believe he is seeing someone, I might get jealous and question him or spend more time with him. Au contraire mon ami!!! I would be beyond happy (for him AND for me!)

 

In reality, it's none of my business, just as I always tell him my personal life is none of his business. I'm just ready for this dramatic period of my life to be OVER. That means one of two things has to happen. 1 - his final demise (sad, but true) or 2 - he meets someone else who takes my place as caregiver (win-win for everyone!! Well, almost everyone.)

[schlumpy]

Considering his attitude, I believe that you should your plan trips and activities for yourself. Leave the door open for his participation but if it doesn't happen, go yourself or take a friend. This probably won't help the atmosphere between you two but it will help you get something out of life. 

[PinkFlamingo]

On 4/16/2019 at 10:19 PM, vla1120 said:

For anyone who has read this far into the post (and thank you for that), when you are complaining because you don't get enough sex, maybe you ought to step back and be thankful you're not dealing with a much more serious situation than having to get yourself off to porn once in awhile because your wife's sex drive has decreased. (OOPS! Did I just say that out loud??)

At first, reading through your post, the first thing that popped up in my mind was "Looks like a sucker who willingly let's herself get used and abused by an a**h***" then I reached the last paragraph and thought "Oops, now she really compares the s***ty situation she has happily accepted for herself with the problems other people have and puts them down?!"

Your man is a damn jerk and just because he is sick doesn't mean that should give him a pass with terrorizing everybody around him. Does his cancer prevent him from learning some manners or showing some gratitude? Is that a brain cancer that influences this thought processes and his behavior? If people continue being such jerks, it's because they are surrounded by enablers.

[PinkFlamingo]

On 12/19/2019 at 5:23 PM, vla1120 said:

He said "We are not a couple. She cannot ask you and expect you to answer for me." This is the FIRST time he has ever acknowledged that we are not a couple!! Even if it was a bit of a backhanded manipulative statement, to me, it indicates progress. Am I right to think it is a little progress? Then, awhile later, he said "You can tell her this - 'Okay. Thanks xxxxx, but I have plans already.'" I told him "I hope you really DO have plans! That would be great!" No response, but again, hope springs eternal!

I can't believe that you see that as a hopeful sign????? He didn't acknowledge anything. He just said whatever he wanted to say to fuel his irritation and to win the argument. Next time when it's convenient he will complain that you should have done something, because you two are a couple.

[vla1120]

On 12/30/2019 at 6:04 AM, PinkFlamingo said:

At first, reading through your post, the first thing that popped up in my mind was "Looks like a sucker who willingly let's herself get used and abused by an a**h***" then I reached the last paragraph and thought "Oops, now she really compares the s***ty situation she has happily accepted for herself with the problems other people have and puts them down?!"

I'm not sure how I missed this when it was posted in December. That last paragraph was directed to someone with whom I was having lively conversations on the topic. It's not in my character to put other people down. There are enough other rude people in the world to do that so that my services are not needed in that respect. Besides, "he" knew I was poking fun at him. 

[preraph]

It's highly unlikely anyone is going to date him.  Now it is likely he will attract some of the people who prey on sick and elderly people and just take their money.  You can't believe how often that happens, especially to men who will reach out to less than savory women.  Still, not your problem.  

[vla1120]

On 8/12/2019 at 7:36 PM, Mr. Lucky said:

Agreed, and your codependency just seems to fuel his ability to act out. If the people he abuses stopped answering the phone, he might have to develop a real, human relationship with someone - or die alone. Either way, it would be his choice...

In late December/early January, this is the exact choice I gave him - either treat me with respect or die alone. I told him not to contact me for anything unless he was willing to make the necessary changes. He contacted me a few days later and wanted to talk. We had a decent discussion with him asking what my demands were in order to stay in contact with him. He even asked me to write them down so that he could reference them and said he would work hard to respect my boundaries and stay in my good graces. Personally, I don't think a 58 year old man should need to be taught common decency, but I appreciate his willingness to learn. 

It has been almost a month since we have been under this new arrangement. His behavior has been golden. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop but, honestly, I really think he is facing his mortality and realized dying alone is not something he wanted to face. There are days he cannot get out of bed by himself. Sometimes it's heartbreaking to see his suffering. I guess that is why I've had such difficulty in walking away and not looking back at him. I am working to get around the clock care put in place for him. Until then, I help him when I can. 

I am still in IC to help me deal with this situation. Unfortunately, my very favorite therapist just moved away and now I am working on finding a new therapist. Luckily, she is willing to do FaceTime sessions with me until I get settled with another therapist in my area. I hope his behavior continues to be affable. That will make things easier. Even so, I'm going to need someone to help me through this process of taking care of someone with a terminal illness.

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

It's highly unlikely anyone is going to date him.  Now it is likely he will attract some of the people who prey on sick and elderly people and just take their money.  You can't believe how often that happens, especially to men who will reach out to less than savory women.  Still, not your problem.  

You posted this just before I posted my update.  I think this is exactly what he is/was afraid of happening and why he has changed his behavior. Only time will tell. Right now, he tells me every day how grateful he is for my involvement. I just hope his good behavior continues. 

[preraph]

It would be nice if you could get him into a home.  I guess he doesn't have enough money for that?

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

It would be nice if you could get him into a home.  I guess he doesn't have enough money for that?

My health insurance would probably pay for that. I believe he is eligible for a hospice facility right now, but he said he wants to die at home, so I am exploring the options for hospice care at home. The good news is that our employer is now offering a free service - basically a nurse navigator. She is going to help us with all those decisions moving forward. We're meeting her for the first time tomorrow. Even that will be a great help to me.

[preraph]

I know what it's like coordinating home care having done it a few times.  It's a job.  Home hospice would be great.  It would take a lot of strain off you.