Female friends and people watching in our partnership

[preraph]

The fact he was giddy about it is pretty clear he is excited she's around. He has nothing nice to say about her, but that won't stop him from sleeping with her. See, he didn't get to when younger, so he's dying to now and he figures she will, and you don't know if she will or not. But no, I would not be happy about it. I wouldn't let it go on. If he wasn't close enough to keep up with her all these years, they're not really good friends. He just wants to sleep with her and he's pretty sure she will, too. Why he's giddy.

 

Do not reward his bad behavior with sudden sex!

[Dandelioness]

So you're still married to someone else?

 

 

 

What commitment or tie does marriage represent not covered by two kids together?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ive been legally separated for almost 10 years and in a common law relationship. What does this have to do with the topic?

[shydad]

He was so vague about it. He wouldn't tell me how they got each other's number ... we've had concerns within our own relationship with regards to loyalty and trust. ... Question: Am I overreacting about him contacting this friend? I don't trust either of them. ... Should I ... accept their friendship under his word that he will never cheat on me?

Hi Dandelioness, I'm not going to tell you if you're overreacting or not, but I will give you something to think about regarding him not wanting to tell you things. Years ago, I decided that I would not punish my son if he told me about things he did which were wrong. Guess what? He tells me a boatload of things now! I learn so much more by remaining calm and keeping it consequence-free. (I still advise and guide him, obviously.) I'm sharing this with you because from what I've read, your partner does not feel comfortable sharing everything with you. If this is true, there is a reason for that. Your response to what he says will determine if he wants to share similar thoughts with you in the future. You have influence over the rebuilding of trust. From my own experience, you can start seeing (or rather "hearing") results within six months to a year.

[Dandelioness]

@shydad

 

I agree. Unfortunately he has a long history of lying to people, in general. I want to rebuild but I'm still very much angry with him.

Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Dandelioness]

You need to get a lot more blunt with him and stop coupling it with an apology for your own self, and just tell him, This needs to stop, NOW. No one would put up with this.

 

I did. He claims he doesn't know he's doing it.

Edited April 17, 2019 by Dandelioness
Wrong post

[preraph]

Well, why don't you whip out your phone and take a photo next time, or a video. That's just the lamest excuse there is. Of course he knows he does it. He already made the excuse he does it to everything and everyone. Don't let him get away with these lame excuses. Tell him, I don't want any more excuses. Look at all the dogs you want. That's not embarrassing and demeaning. But you need to show some courtesy when you're with me starting now.

[Crazelnut]

I agree. Unfortunately he has a long history of lying to people, in general. I want to rebuild but I'm still very much angry with him.

 

Then leave him. He's disrespectful and a liar. Why stay with him??

[Dandelioness]

This is what he says: "Sounds like there is nothing I can do.. you have passed an incorrect judgment on me over nothing. I am not who you think I am. I love you so much. You hurting like this is killing me.. I cant handle seeing you in this much pain..I'm so sorry"

 

It feels like blame. All the while we're talking about this incident, he brings up the fact that we haven't been intimate for some time. To me, he's connected the two together which leads me to believe he contacted her because he needs to fill a void. He denies it. He still claims he innocently contacted her to brag about his girls. Right. He put a feeler out. And what judgement? I'm calling him on his behaviours. I specifically said he contacted an ex-fling - the one who's unfaithful, during a time when our relationship is hurting. To me, it's fact. To me it's a risk.

[Dandelioness]

Well, why don't you whip out your phone and take a photo next time, or a video. That's just the lamest excuse there is. .

 

I repeated again and again, we're not talking about "people". We are talking about "sexual body parts" that he's tracking as if I'm not there. His comments about dogs and flowers?? Is he kidding me? Then he asked me if I see him tracking men. I said, "Are you tracking their dicks?" And he said, "I don't know, you tell me. You're the one watching my eyes.." Again, head games. Of course he's innocent. I'm the crazy one.

Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Let him watch you as you take the car keys and leave on your own.

[shydad]

I specifically said he contacted an ex-fling - the one who's unfaithful, during a time when our relationship is hurting.

Hi Dandelioness, you really summarized the immediate problem with this one sentence.

 

Talking about this will be important. Let him know in advance too, so it's not a surprise. You could start by detailing your love for him, and things about him or things he has done for you which you like. This can help to set the mood as a loving, low anxiety (hopefully) talk. You could then explain to him that you are worried about this woman, and ask him to please not to contact her. He may try to reassure you, and you could explain that even with the reassurances, you are worried and would like him not to, for you. If you are angry during the talk, it surely will fail. Also, if you're able to do this the way I'm imagining it, and he still says no, after you've gotten open and vulnerable with him, I would question his profession of love for you. But the way to respond to that is to try not to show anger (I'd be pissed myself), and ask him what he would propose to alleviate your concerns.

 

Do you think this could work?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You're right. I'm very angry with him. We had a great relationship until he sabotaged it with lies, betrayal, and disrespect. I love him and care about him in my heart, and in a non-romantic way, we make a great team. We're both very involved with our girls and they are super - a distraction away from the hurt. I don't know how to get past it. When he tries to be affectionate (hugs, kisses) I tense up. I feel resentful that he's wanting me in a vulnerable state because 'he' needs affection, love, sex

 

Even if you came to decision to end your romantic relationship, that doesn't mean you still couldn't make a great team at co-parenting your girls. There are plenty of people that do it successfully without having to compromise on being stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. I know you probably aren't even considering that right now, but I just wanted to know that people find a way to make it work.

 

Your resentment towards him seem justified, and I wouldn't blame you for hating the idea of having to be the one to give in all the time and compromise to just to keep him happy. It has to benefit you as well, and that includes sex.

 

Are there any other options you could try for counselling? They are not all the same, so it could take a couple of attempts to find the right person to help. Perhaps you need to consider whether this is actually the man you want to be with for the rest of your life? Is he redeemable in your eyes? Could your trust in him ever return and that spark be reignited, or would this relationship only ever be a safety net for you? These are questions you could explore individually through counselling on your own, if you think it might help?

 

In regards to his behavior, all you can do is tell him that you are concerned this friendship could put your relationship risk. Let him know what your boundaries are, and what would be a deal breaker for you. He may chose to ignore it or play it down, but at least he will be more aware about the consequences of his actions, and the fact that you are paying close attention.

 

I'm sorry there isn't a simple fix. It sounds complicated, and I do sympathize with what you're going through right now. I hope you are able to find some resolution that works for you.

[giotto]

I have bad news for you: your partner is a weirdo. Now, for the good news: you can leave him.

[anika99]

He sounds so creepy. I can understand admiring a woman's nice figure or their pretty face but to stare at their crotches is just weird and perverted. Then to top it off he plays these ridiculous word games with you. You have big problems where this guy is concerned.

[fishlips]

It's fine to look, but what he is doing is weird and creepy. Plus, it's disrespectful to you. Tell him that if he keeps doing it then you are going to leave, period. If he continues to do it, then follow through.

 

Don't let him turn this around and blame you.

[Dandelioness]

He sounds so creepy. I can understand admiring a woman's nice figure or their pretty face but to stare at their crotches is just weird and perverted. Then to top it off he plays these ridiculous word games with you. You have big problems where this guy is concerned.

 

It's usually women in yoga pants hiked up their butts. I get it's hard to resist because sometimes it feels like it's in your face. The point is, be a gentleman and TRY. Turn the opposite way if he's that impulsive and inclined to track. The solution is not to stop going out in public places because I'm insecure and he's just people watching. An ass is not what I'd consider people watching.

 

It was recently, on my birthday, where I felt it became excessive. We were out eating when a woman in yoga pants walked in. Instantly I thought, here we go again. He wayched her butt as she went to sit down. Then she got up to grab something and he tracked her as she did so. He watched her butt again when she went to sit back down. Then, as we were getting ready to leave, she got up and left. I was organizing our toddler. He stood up, turned around to look at her through the window. Then he came to me and "lovingly" stroked my arm and gave me a side hug.. since it's my birthday and all. This all happened after an incident at the library with another women. So it pissed me off. It's my birthday. Try try try!

 

He's not this obvious all the time. But now anytime yoga pants walks in, I'm sensitive to it. I just find it disrespectful he'd behave like that without any awareness about how I would feel.. and not just "me" but any partner.

[Dandelioness]

Hi Dandelioness, you really summarized the immediate problem with this one sentence........

 

For the most part, this conversation has taken place via email and text. Mainly because we have two young children by our sides. I didn't attack him in the emails. I expressed to him where I was coming from, what my concerns were, and why I felt this woman was a problem for me.

 

He minimized everything I said and told me how much he loves me and would never cheat on me. He's sorry I feel this way and he doesn't like seeing me hurting but that I have nothing to worry about. I later got another email from him saying how he understands how hard things have been going with me lately, do to my hormones (we have an 8week old) and he'll do whatever he can to support me.

 

I suspect he felt like this conversation was complete and that he was being very supportive. I felt like it was a bunch of hog wash and that my concerns were valid.

 

When we continued via text, poetry poetry. I tried to explain why contacting this woman was wrong. In the past 2 days, he's threatened to leave me. He's not going anywhere but feels that I'm attacking him, calling him a pervert (read other thread), and accusing him of doing things he's not. I didn't attack him. I didn't accuse him. I didn't call him a pervert. I very specifically talked about what his behaviours look like and why it's a concern. He gaslights me.

 

He has since deleted her number and said he didn't realize contacting her was going to cause a problem in our relationship. He said he won't be getting together with her, as her comment about hanging out was just "small talk".

 

I'm angry because he doesn't get it. He still thinks he hasn't done anything wrong (with regards to hoth threads) and I'm pushing him over the edge for nothing. That's why I've posted these stories here. Is it me??

 

If he feels he doesn't see me as his partner anymore, due to lack of intimacy and affection, it makes sense he'd put himself out there for someone else. I haven't accused him of cheating, but it's a risk. He has codepency issues and claims he's a "people pleaser". She is feeling wounded and is the unfaithful type. He might as well strap some meat on his chest and stand in a lion's den. He'll get sucked in to whatever she'll decide to do. Now, I don't know if she's attracted to him. She wasn't flirting with him when we ran into her. She was nice to me. But, it's a risk given both their personality types so it's not just me and my insecurities. It makes me angry that he sees this as my problem. It makes me angry that he deleted her number just because I am insecure. It's not right.

Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Orokotikki]

Sounds like you both like to be vague about the details...

Good luck, sounds like you both need it!

[Dandelioness]

Then leave him. He's disrespectful and a liar. Why stay with him??

 

Because I do see him trying in many ways. We have a 2yr old and an 8week old. Apart from our romantic side, we typically get along.

[Dandelioness]

Sounds like you both like to be vague about the details...

Good luck, sounds like you both need it!

 

How am I being vague about the details?

[Dandelioness]

Even if you came to decision to end your romantic relationship' date=' that doesn't mean you still couldn't make a great team at co-parenting your girls. There are plenty of people that do it successfully without having to compromise on being stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. I know you probably aren't even considering that right now, but I just wanted to know that people find a way to make it work.[/quote']

 

I was almost finished with your response and it got deleted.. (sigh)

 

We'll have to try counseling again. Thank you for your support. I honestly don't want to separate. He says the same but I'm not sure if it's because he is afraid to be alone. Maybe he will never cheat on me. He hasn't yet. But emotional affairs are damaging as well.

 

I am loyal to him and faithful. I haven't told anyone about our issues (and maybe because I'm a bit ashamed over them) but can't say the same for him. He tells his parents everything and they live 3 doors away. His version is that he tries so hard and I don't appreciate him. So they're pretty guarded with me, too.

Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[fishlips]

 

We'll have to try counseling again.

 

There is no harm in trying counseling, but someone who gaslights is going to have a very hard time changing. He might be an excellent father, but it's going to be an uphill climb to expect him to be a good husband. If counseling doesn't work, I think your best bet would be to stay friends and co-parent your kids.

 

I know it is hard to leave someone when you have kids, but this looks like a no-win situation that is going to make you go crazy.

Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

Ive been legally separated for almost 10 years and in a common law relationship. What does this have to do with the topic?

 

You really have to ask that question?

 

You extricate yourself from a previous marriage, however difficult, because that effort represents your commitment to your partner.

 

You marry the father of your children (legal and social advantages aside) because those vows and that ceremony represent your commitment to your partner.

 

Having done neither of those, hard to understand youir surprise over a partner barely committed to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dandelioness]

 

You extricate yourself from a previous marriage, however difficult, because that effort represents your commitment to your partner.

 

I disagree with you. There have been successful common-law relationships and unsuccessful marriages. I don't think a piece of paper and a ceremony makes a difference.

Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think a piece of paper and a ceremony makes a difference.

 

On my second marriage, I’ll agree a marriage license is no guarantee.

 

But it is a brick in the wall you build as a couple between you and the world. You’re free to disagree, though your situation doesn’t lend you much support...

 

Mr. Lucky