Dealing with intimate conflict

[major_merrick]

As I've mentioned in other threads, I have a contentious relationship with my husband's Wife #1. I'm #3 out of four. Before I joined the family, #1 and I were on friendly terms, and she was fairly welcoming. Things started going downhill last summer and fall, and her bad behavior toward me continues.

 

She berates me over small household stuff. Dishes, laundry, childcare, etc. She calls me names. She teases me over aspects of my physical appearance such as skin tone, stretch marks from pregnancy, and anything else she can think of. At times she's sexually degrading. So far, I've tried my best to respond with nothing but kindness. I cuddle her. I console her when she's got issues going on. I kiss her, massage her sore spots, and I'm always sexually available. Unfortunately, my actions haven't made much difference. She wants to dominate me. Even though I'm sexually willing, she takes advantage of that and basically forces herself on me. She insists that one of my roles is to submit to her desires, even though nobody else supports that idea.

 

My husband is mostly unaware, and I haven't told him because I don't want to start conflict between him and #1. She's all sweetness and light when she's being watched by others. My girlfriends also don't see it. Wife #4 does, and has interceded a couple of times. I've tried not to make a big deal about it because I feel sorry for #1 and her rough past and her emotional issues. Even when we were friendly, she was extremely high strung.

 

Today, it got bad. I worked from home, and she just wouldn't leave me alone. She's been irritable and agitated the last couple of days, and every time we've interacted she's tried to start something. She cornered me in our bedroom, talking angrily about how I'm dumb and can't do things right. At that point, she spun me around, grabbed me and shoved me face-down onto the bed. I'm physically larger and stronger than her, so I usually just let her have her way. Today, it made me really mad and I lost control.

I feel bad for doing it, but I spun around and smacked her really hard across the face. I then grabbed her arm, used a pressure point, flipped her over and pinned her to the bed, sitting on her legs so she couldn't try anything. I just stared at her, nose-to-nose because I was so mad I couldn't come up with words. She kind of looked scared at that point, so I let her up and told her "Go F*** yourself" and I walked out.

 

Could I have done anything else? Is she going to try more crap in the future? Have I made a mistake in getting physical, or should I have done it earlier? I really don't want it to continue. I don't want to hurt her, but I felt I had to send a message that I'm not a rag-doll that she can play with any way she wants. I've definitely got to tell my husband, but how to start that conversation?

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're going through this. But what you did was domestic assault. She would have every right to press charges on you if she wished to do so.

 

This is no different to what we tell men: Yes, she may well drive you nuts. But if the problem can't be fixed and you are so mad that you feel that you're losing control, you must leave. Assaulting someone in your household is never OK.

 

In your case, as the head of the house should be position to address this. A sneaky recording of what she says to you should have been enough evidence for him.

[Happy Lemming]

Today, it made me really mad and I lost control.

I feel bad for doing it, but I spun around and smacked her really hard across the face. I then grabbed her arm, used a pressure point, flipped her over and pinned her to the bed, sitting on her legs so she couldn't try anything. I just stared at her, nose-to-nose because I was so mad I couldn't come up with words. She kind of looked scared at that point, so I let her up and told her "Go F*** yourself" and I walked out.

 

Have I made a mistake in getting physical, or should I have done it earlier? I really don't want it to continue. I don't want to hurt her, but I felt I had to send a message that I'm not a rag-doll that she can play with any way she wants.

 

I'm a bit concerned about your children both unborn and infant. Is it such a good idea to be flipping people over and physically fighting with an unborn child growing inside of you?? What if wife #1 punched or kicked you in the stomach?? The minute two people start fighting, you never know where the kicks or punches are going to land. There is a new life inside of you!

 

I'm also concerned wife #1 may take retaliation out on your infant daughter. You just never know what actions an angry adult is capable of.

 

Are you really sure this "poly" arrangement is a good environment for your children?? I mean there are a lot of adults in this house and these small new lives are vulnerable. You may have won this battle, but will you lose the war??

[Wallysbears]

I admit I don’t understand poly relationships. Because I’d be damned if I would be intimate with someone who insults me regularly.

 

Knock her teeth down her throat. Let it be known you aren’t to be f*cked with not are your children. if Your husband has an issue, tell him to get wife #1 under control.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm just surprised to hear there's even time to fight with all the marathon sex sessions going on in this compound!

 

I agree this is assault. You two need to be kept away from each other.

[major_merrick]

I'm sorry you're going through this. But what you did was domestic assault. She would have every right to press charges on you if she wished to do so.

 

 

I think you're forgetting the part where she grabbed me and shoved me first. Not the first time she's done it, either. Under the law where I live, that's self defense. I probably shouldn't have struck her (I could have pinned her without doing that), but how else could I put a stop to it? Just laying there and letting her do her thing hasn't worked out.

 

At any rate, I told my husband finally. #4 has backed up my story. He's pretty irritated with her, and so is GF#1. Finally people are getting the message. There's got to be some kind of solution to put everything back together again. Or figure out what her REAL problem is with me and solve it for good.

 

My husband did tell me if he can't fix it, he'll turn this situation over to the community leadership. Wife #1 is very religious, so that might have some influence. I had totally forgotten about that possibility...should have gone the religious route long ago.

[BaileyB]

I think you're forgetting the part where she grabbed me and shoved me first.

 

There has got to be some kind of solution. Or figure out what her REAL problem is with me and solve it for good.

 

With respect, it doesn’t mean anything that she grabbed you first. Your argument is akin to a hold who says “but he hit me first” or a man who says “she was calling me names and she pushed me, so I hit her. She was asking for it...” Assault is assault. It’s not acceptable.

 

It seems quite obvious to me that she is jealous. She is your husband’s wife and as such, it is his responsibility to speak to her. And, if the two of you are not able to treat each other with respect and/or maintain your self control - you need to stay separate. No contact.

[amaysngrace]

I’m proud of you. It’s about time.

 

*applause

[major_merrick]

Separation aside from something temporary is impossible. We share the same house and bedroom, and neither of us has another place to be. It has to get settled somehow for good. Tonight, he's taking her to a hotel to separate us. IDK if she may live with a friend for a while until she calms, or if there will be some other solution.

 

Here's the crazy part - she's gone, and even after all this I actually miss her! Why the hell would I miss someone who has given me so much trouble?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think you might miss her because you love complicated relationships.

[oceanblue12]

Love, by it's very nature, is complicated and hard at times but so worth the journey. You are the right path it seems. I hope that it works out for you

[major_merrick]

I think you might miss her because you love complicated relationships.

 

 

You are so right! It took me a decade to settle down enough to where my husband and I didn't fight all the time. We almost tore each other to pieces as teenagers. Or rather, I did. I think I did most of the tearing.

 

Maybe #1 and I will settle with each other given enough time. Thanks for bringing back the memories

[mark clemson]

I think wife #1 feels threatened by you and feels a need to establish/repeatedly reassert dominance (socially) over you.

 

Part of this may be the pregnancy, esp. if the H shows affection and attachment to your existing kid. (And it's only natural that he would.) This makes her feel even more threatened so she feels an increasing need to attempt to assert dominance. Unfortunately for her, her methods pushed you too far.

 

Hopefully, now that you have shown that your boundary has been reached, the two of you will be able to reach a stable state where she accepts the situation.

 

I think it would be helpful for her to learn to express herself verbally without being unkind, giving the two of you a MUCH better mechanism for working this out. However this can be difficult as doing so would mean admitting that she does feel threatened, which she may have difficulty doing (it lowers her status psychologically to admit she feels threatened by you).

[todreaminblue]

sounds like a really toxic relationship...im sorry merrick...i dont have experience with polygamous relationships but what i would do if it were me in this type of situation is find asap some therapy specifically dealing with poly relationships if there is such a therapy...because the future of babies being born and living in such a situation would concern me...i would believe...in any instance that they were not safe....and that would be my main priority to bring babies up in an environment where i felt i could protect and nurture them into happy fulfilling childhoods..not an unsafe one...

 

......having been in domestic violence situations and helped other women in domestic violence situations i would advise you to leave until therapy and the toxicity was no longer there....or at least being worked on...because it is changing who you are...into somebody who abuses back.....does not make you less of an abuser if you hit second......and you have more than yourself to think of.....you have lives to look after who need you to make good decisions........deb

Edited April 17, 2019 by todreaminblue

[major_merrick]

I think wife #1 feels threatened by you and feels a need to establish/repeatedly reassert dominance (socially) over you.

 

Part of this may be the pregnancy, esp. if the H shows affection and attachment to your existing kid

 

 

I think my pregnancies have had a lot to do with it. My husband was overjoyed when I had my daughter, especially since we married with the thought that I'd never be able to conceive. #1 really didn't start acting up badly until after the birth.

 

#1's attempts to dominate are overtly sexual. Either criticizing my body, my sexual performance, or something along those lines. Likewise, her physical attacks have been primarily sexual, with the intention of making me submit. Giving birth and then getting pregnant again quickly must seem like a challenge to her reproductive capability - something she's placed great emphasis on in her life.

 

My husband asked me to go in to work today, rather than working from home, so that #1 could have the house. When he brought me back, he took her with him and they left. He's keeping us separate for a bit, and giving her plenty of 1-on-1 attention to settle her down. We have services Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday this week, so we'll be somewhat in contact with each other, but only with other people around us.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

MM, is she a mother?

[alphamale]

trying to make just one person happy is hard enough let alone trying to make a group of people happy

[major_merrick]

Oh yeah - definitely a mother. Tends to be on the neurotic overprotective end of things too. To her, having kids is a mission to fill the world with her offspring. She just finished pregnancy number six a while back. How I'm raising my daughter is yet another thing she wants to squabble about....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ah, ok. I thought maybe infertility was the reason for her animosity, but.....nope.

[major_merrick]

Yeah she's definitely got the blessing of fertility.... but I think she sees my fertility as a threat. Strange. I think she also thinks I'm a threat because even though she married my husband before I did, he and I were together years before they knew each other. Perhaps she thinks I'm going to push her out?

[mark clemson]

I think my pregnancies have had a lot to do with it...

 

Giving birth and then getting pregnant again quickly must seem like a challenge to her reproductive capability - something she's placed great emphasis on in her life.

 

 

Perhaps that's exactly it. This may be a pain point for her. Sometimes these things are subtle/unconscious, so it's possible she doesn't fully realize exactly why she feels how she does. (Or maybe she does.)

 

At any rate, if you've pieced this together, next step is to figure out a way to address with her (and H) in a way that's minimally disruptive. Sometimes by bringing these things out into the open the person is able to deal with them better. Hope that is possible with you and fam.

[major_merrick]

I've hardly had any contact with Wife #1 since the incident. We had religious service last night, and she apologized to me and I apologized to her. The elders of our community have gotten involved, and had a lengthy prayer session for reconciliation between us. I'm hoping it helps.

 

And now, for the part I'm NOT so sure about. My husband has gotten the idea to put me and #1 in close contact after Easter so that we sort out our differences. Essentially, he's creating a situation where we have to work together and rely on each other in the hope that we can build some trust. He's putting us in a cabin in the woods for a whole week! Just the two of us with no services or entertainment. I still get my laptop so I can do my work, but that's it.

Even though I knew her for a long time before I moved in, and even though we've slept in the same bed for more than a year, I really don't know #1 that well. So, if things turn out well, we might bond. That's what we hope will happen. If things turn out badly, I could be in for a week of pure hell. I want to try, but I'm apprehensive.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How is your employer ok with this? How do you get WiFi in the woods?

 

Of course if she's wife #1 she's going to be threatened by you....a new one into the fold. I think that is only human nature.

[RecentChange]

I don't think wife #1 has any respect for you - at least that is what it sounds like based on her actions.

 

And I will admit, I can't wrap my head around the while polygamy thing. I often hear "poly" when talking about this set up ... But if your husband wasn't in the picture, would you have anything to do with wife #1? Do you love, honor and cherish her? Would you have married just her? Does she feel the same way about you? Death do us part, souls coming together as one and all of that?

 

Because... If my husband wanted to bring another woman around, I would be homicidal - so I kinda understand her not being thrilled with more and more wives. I mean you call her #1, but is she really #1 - like she was once upon a time, or is she now simply one of four?

 

Further, if you all come from troubled backgrounds, broken homes etc, it's going to be that much harder to create a harmonious home - as that is not what was modeled successfully during your formative years.

 

I could be wrong, but my hunch is that situations like this probably work best when there is a very clear hierarchy and obedience to it.

 

This is true of social groups of just about any species. A pack of wolves has a leader, and subordinates who squabble amoung themselves for pecking order. When order is established, there is harmony. When the definitions are not clear, there is fighting, cliques, and even banishment from the group for not falling in line. Horses, chimps etc show this same behavior.

 

So we have your husband, who is the clear alpha of the group, and well, the subordinates are tying to re-establish pecking order now that harmony has been disrupted by new additions to the "pack" or I could say herd,. You should see how ballistic an alpha mare will get when a new filly she is not found of gets brought into the herd by the stallion. Ones she likes - she will coddle and protect, ones she doesn't she will constantly harass and exclude.

 

Curious, how long have #1 and your husband been together? How long ago was #2 added? You married, what, 18 months ago? And number # was added just recently - is that correct?

Edited April 20, 2019 by RecentChange

[major_merrick]

How is your employer ok with this? How do you get WiFi in the woods?

 

 

I work from home as often as I like these days - my boss offered me that to keep me otherwise I might have quit with the second pregnancy. I could work almost entirely from home, but I choose to go to the office a couple days a week so I can get out. My job is mostly CAD files, data, designs, and spreadsheets anymore. And the WiFi - my phone functions as a hotspot so I can have the net anywhere I get a signal. Although, I could probably work offline for 2-3 days on a project without ever connecting.

 

 

RecentChange - you make some good points!

 

 

I never would have chosen Wife #1 as my sole partner. No, no, no. She's too emotionally erratic even on a good day, and her instability drives me nuts. I joined the family because I still had my teenage crush on my husband, and my GF#1 fell in love with Wife #1 and I figured that it was inevitable for them to get together. Wife #1 is much more my GF's partner than mine. I was living in my own house with my GFs when that happened, and #1 used to come over to my house to hang out and decompress. We were friendly, but not close.

 

At one time, Wife #1 was my husband's only wife. But, she brought #2 along shortly after. #2 is much younger, and extremely attached to #1 like a sister. I get along with her okay and she's usually sweet, but she does whatever #1 wants her to do. #4 was in the house before me - she is the widow of one of my husband's close friends, and he took her in because she needed support as a single mom. They married this February. So, in a way she's the new one, and in a way she's not. Wife #4 is the oldest one and has a "presence" about her. I've seen her give orders to #1 before, and #1 respects her.

 

Wife #1 and my husband have been together for 7 years, maybe a bit more. Wife #2 came along a couple of years later. If there ended up being an established hierarchy, I'm not sure if #1 or #4 would be at the top. Wife #4 has the advantage in age and authority. Wife #1 has tenure. If I took a guess, hierarchy would probably go: #4, #1, then me (the fierce three) followed by #2 and my girlfriends (the gentle three). Complicated

Edited April 20, 2019 by major_merrick