DragonzRoost Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 (edited) I was verbally and at times physically abused by my Mother. I only had her as a parent and I really needed someone to care for me. After being kicked out, because I couldn't get home in 20 minutes, when I lived over an hour away and deciding to live with my Grandparents, I have been told a few times about the past and that she left me in a soiled T shirt no diaper as a child, while she was overdosing on drugs. She ended up getting taken to the hospital, while child services were called. My Grandparents rushed to get to me first, before they arrived. As a teenager living with her was a living hell. She slowly drifted from a good Mother from the time I was little to a bad path as I grew. She married someone who was verbally abusive to me, would have loud sex with men and me in the next room of a hotel/apartment with random men she dated. Blamed her C section scars on me and claimed I gave them to her, when the hospital had to get me out or else I would had died from brain damage. (Lack of oxygen) She turned to alcohol and started to greatly slip, talked about suicide and I had became very ill by the time I was kicked out. She had no regard for my health or my life at that time and I was failing school from everything. After I left I did not look back and have no spoken to her in over 10 years off and on. Easter is coming up this Sunday and my Grandmother is having heart surgery. She is not that old, because my Mother had me fairly young and acts like this will be her last Easter. (So she has been telling me every few days.) My Grandparents claims my Mother has taken therapy and has became a changed person. That she is no longer the way she use to be and it took her losing my Aunt (Same age, she adores her like a daughter) to pull her head from her ass.....essentially. I have a huge grudge against her and she has burned every bridge with me. I have given her a few chances and each one she has destroyed. I gave up a long time ago trying to have a relationship with her, as she has blamed me for all of it. I feel like I am kinda being forced and guilt tripped into attending Easter by my Grandmother who again, claims it will be her last Easter. (I doubt it) And she wants the whole Family together however, deep down something does not want me to go. I don't feel at all comfortable being around my Mother and neither with my Husband going. I don't know how to feel about her, even knowing that she has been through therapy. I kinda feel a little resentful against my Grandmother for making this about her. I don't want to attend Easter for the reasons that I am not ready and might never be. If it were on my terms to see her, maybe...but this does not feel like it. I feel forced and cornered to attend Easter. My half Sisters (Who I never met) kinda barged in to see me and went passed my Grandmother when I was staying in the guest room. I had told her to please leave me alone and to just stay downstairs. (I didn't know my Mother was bringing them at the time I was staying for schooling.) Now as I have met them, kinda by accident.. I feel they are being used against me and my Grandmother says "Do it for the girls! Think about them! If you want to see them, then you have to go through your Mother." This makes my blood boil. So I say this to ask, what on Earth should I do? What would be the right thing and should I listen to my gut and not go? What should I do? Edited April 17, 2019 by DragonzRoost Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Don’t go. Tell your grandmother that you’ll be happy to celebrate Easter with her alone but that you want noting to do with your mother. As you said, your mother has burned all her bridges with you. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t go within 100 yards of her. And this is coming from someone who strongly believes in family. Don’t let anyone manipulate you into being around someone who was such a lousy parent. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DragonzRoost Posted April 17, 2019 Author Share Posted April 17, 2019 She also wants to call off Easter if I don't go and that in return affects the kids who are going. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 She also wants to call off Easter if I don't go.. Then let her call it off. She should know better than to try to manipulate you in such a way since she knows the things your mother did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Well let her call it off. Do what is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 You are being emotionally blackmailed. Just don't go. It's not your responsibility to fix this. Go to a narc anon meeting. That is a group for people who love or in your case are stuck dealing with addicts. They teach you coping mechanisms like how to avoid the guilt trips being laid at your feet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DragonzRoost Posted April 17, 2019 Author Share Posted April 17, 2019 (edited) That is exactly what it looks like and I just called my Grandmother to essentially pull the trigger on the plans to attend Easter. I am kinda preparing for the additional blackmail that is going to come from this, but it just doesn't feel right going. Thanks for the much needed advice everyone and I will look into that narc anon meeting for sure! (UPDATE) I went ahead and told my Grandmother I was not going.. She of course is incredibly sad, but still feel I made the right call with encouragement. I told her she should not cancel Easter, simply because I won't attend. Anyways thanks again for the help! Edited April 17, 2019 by DragonzRoost 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 I just saw your update. I’m so proud of you! Your family will have a lot more respect for you from here on out. You did the right thing. Hugs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Once you know the mother is long gone, you could bring your Gran a little Easter basket if you wanted to afterward. She has no right to be mad about this. That's her daughter and she's a little blinded by her and wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, but her daughter lost the right to make demands on you a long time ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DragonzRoost Posted April 17, 2019 Author Share Posted April 17, 2019 (edited) bathtub-row: Thank you! -hug- I didn't think I could stand up to her and I could tell she knew I was going to turn down coming to Easter. I also called her out on the emotional blackmail and that had her go silent for a bit, because I believe she thought I wouldn't notice. Either way I think its a great step in the right direction and shows I am not easy to push over in this family. Just because my Mom shows up to Easter, doesn't mean my feelings should be tossed aside, neither does it make it an instant invite. I honestly didn't see that till now, so I am relieved I came here to ask this question. preraph: She is very blind to my Mother and she has also given her many chances, all throughout her life. Suddenly my Mother shows up in the picture after my Aunt (same age) suddenly dropped her completely from an incident that occurred during New Years this year. What stings is that it took my Aunt to get her into the step of therapy and attempting to become involved with Family, but losing me did absolutely nothing. Anyways I agree that my Grandmother has no right to be angry or bitter about this and I will also consider bringing her a gift..that is a good idea. Thank you everyone for the advice, it helped greatly to resolve this! Edited April 17, 2019 by DragonzRoost 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 ^ Remember that your mom got that way most probably because of how she was raised, so that's why you can't expect Grandma to be perfect. She wants to believe she didn't ruin her own daughter and will grasp at any hope that that is true. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DragonzRoost Posted April 17, 2019 Author Share Posted April 17, 2019 I will keep this close in mind as well, thank you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Great job holding a safe boundary for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
CassieS2 Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 Dragonzroost, So sorry you have suffered so very much. I have a mother that wants to sweep every horrible and cruel action she has done under the rug. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Our hearts need healing from the past and not just an "I'm sorry". Healthy people can accept what they did wrong, they can say I'm sorry and then endure the person they have injured sorrow allowing the person harmed to express the pain caused by their poor behavior. When people who have harmed you want you to "act" like everything is okay and even accept the healing of the relationship by making you feel like the health of the relationship going forward is on you, is in fact only perpetuating the pain. I found all this out through counseling. There I was introduced to a book, Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. This book changed my life and took away my guilt and shame being placed on me by the people who had been cruel to me. This book is a Christian based counseling book, but since you mentioned Easter I thought you might be interested. Not pushing anything but this is the only way I found freedom. I hope you'll pick up a copy and that it helps you as much as it did me. Also, if you need to talk to someone I have a number where you can call for free help - just to chat. 1-855-382-5433. It's licensed counselors who are so very kind and helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 Dragon, how did everything go on Easter? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts