Single guys who should have confidence with women but don't

[alphamale]

I see this all the time.

 

A guy who seems like he should do ok with women but doesn't. He's in decent shape, has a decent job, nice car and is ok looking. On paper he should have plenty of females interested in him. But...when it comes to meeting or talking to women they just fall flat on their face. They can't relate to the dating and mating game. Maybe they are bad at body language or think they are not good enough. Maybe their mom put the fear of women into them?

 

When I was dating a drug rep woman called Teresa a number of years ago we went to a superbowl party and Teresa invited her friend along. The friend was a single physician and above average in the looks dept. I asked her friend which guy she thought was cute and she pointed to this dude.

 

Anyways after a drink or two I went up to this dude and said would you like to come over? I have a cute woman who wants to meet you. His first reaction was to try to leave, I stopped him and he reluctantly agreed to meet the friend. At this point I was really getting annoyed. So he came over and started talking with us but he was so anxious that he started to shake all over. He could barely talk to her or look her in the eye.

 

How strange. This is why I have stopped trying to hook singles up...

[preraph]

^ Yeah, they have to be able to move on their own power. That's why I get testy on here sometimes with all the "he's shy/she's shy" questions. He's anxious to a fault/she's anxious to a fault. If they're not able to socialize, they're likely not ready to date.

 

I think one of the other big reasons physically presentable people can fail is their insecurity/desperation shows. Yes, you'd think an ok looking person wouldn't have insecurity, but some do. Desperation and getting ahead of oneself makes women and men run the other way.

[Wallysbears]

I have a single guy friend that is like this. He's just turned 40, good job as an engineer, has his **** together, has a nice house, handome (6', blonde hair, blue eyes, well built) etc....he's just painfully shy when it comes to women and dating.

 

But mind you - he coaches sailing for local universities, races on sailing teams nationally, etc. and gets along perfectly great with women in that context.

 

Try to set up a date for him? Massive failures. I don't get it.

[preraph]

Insecurity and low self esteem go hand in hand and that comes less from what you look like and more from your childhood and how you were raised.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Insecurity and low self esteem go hand in hand and that comes less from what you look like and more from your childhood and how you were raised.

 

And sometimes genetics of luck of the draw. Good looks don't preclude you from anxiety issues.

[mark clemson]

Agree, some folks (both male and female) just don't get past their anxiety issues. Can be both social anxiety in general (ie, non-structured group settings) or romantic one-on-one context specifically. Some people apparently just never quite learn how to get past it.

[Springsummer]

oh, my goodness, looks like I am one of those?

[preraph]

You know, the cure for anxiety is doing it anyway. It's called practice and most people force themselves to do what is normal for their age whether they are scared to or not. Even in therapy, while meds can help on some things, finally, you have to do behavioral therapy and just DO it. Practice, practice, practice.

[Springsummer]

As soon as I started interested in someone, I become super insecure and self aware...not tall enough etc...I ways I was raised certainly not helping.

[alphamale]

You know, the cure for anxiety is doing it anyway. It's called practice and most people force themselves to do what is normal for their age whether they are scared to or not. Even in therapy, while meds can help on some things, finally, you have to do behavioral therapy and just DO it. Practice, practice, practice.

 

yea, you have to like wean yourself off the anxiety

[Springsummer]

You know, the cure for anxiety is doing it anyway. It's called practice and most people force themselves to do what is normal for their age whether they are scared to or not. Even in therapy, while meds can help on some things, finally, you have to do behavioral therapy and just DO it. Practice, practice, practice.

 

I haven't read the book 'the subtle art of don't give a ****'. but I think the idea is correct. we give too much f to others, and not enough to us? I should try that as well.

[preraph]

I mean, most of us have probably been insecure and anxious. I certainly have. I overthink everything and it's a relief to not be dating men anymore because of it. If I'm real into them, I blow it in the beginning too. If I'm not insecure, I probably am not that into them, truth be told. But I always tried to cover it up, but eventually it will come out during some confusing time and that was usually when things would end, when I needed to know what was up.

 

When I was in high school, I had a bad crush on a guy I, of course, didn't even know. Lasted a long time, too, like 3 years. So we ended up in French Club together. He had a steady girlfriend, so no expectations, but he saw me on the pay phone after the meeting gettng my mom to come pick me up, and he offered to drive me. OMG, I was such a geek. He made it into a little mini-date and took me to get a Coke, which is what everyone did then, in his 68 Mustang hatchback and the drive home was kind of long and there was a dirt road on the way where couples parked sometimes, though it was really too public there, and once we got on that road, my hand was shaking so bad that the ice in my cup was rattling. So embarrassing!! Even after that, he tried to be friendly, but I was just too immature, mostly, and nervous. Just wasn't ready. Good thing because ran into his ex a few years later, and he hit her.

[mark clemson]

oh, my goodness, looks like I am one of those?

 

Hmmm. That's unfortunate if that's true. Possibly you could look into counseling/therapy if you haven't already and think it might help. If you do that, suggest someone who genuinely specializes in that area so they have a better chance of being able to help effectively.

[snowboy91]

Insecurity and low self-esteem is part of it, but I don't think it's all of it. I think another side of the story is that we (both men and women) place a lot of self-worth in how attractive we are to others. Add the fact that hormones can take over our minds in these sorts of situations and naturally people are going to have trouble.

 

Which is why I tend to take myself a lot less seriously these days. If I was ever to approach someone and make a complete fool out of myself, then I've given someone a reason to laugh that day - and it's highly unlikely to haunt me for the rest of my life anyway so why should I worry that much?

[basil67]

Of the men who struggle with social skills, I sometimes wonder if they were more likely to have gone to single sex high schools and missed out on learning how to socialise with girls.

 

More likely is just related to basic poor social skills or anxiety

[d0nnivain]

I had a buddy like that. He was tall (over 6'), dark hair, blue eyes. He was a lawyer who drove a sports car. He ran marathons as a hobby so was in great shape (but too slim for my tastes). He looked fabulous in a suit & had a wry sense of humor.

 

We were work friends for about a year, then got closer. I was running a summer share house at the beach & invited him to buy a share. Then he confessed that he can't get a GF because women aren't interested in him. My BF at the time & I were aghast. I pointed out that whenever he & I went out even for lunch during the work week, women would shoot me daggers of jealousy because I was with him & they weren't. Prior to that I just assumed he was ignoring all the female attention he was getting because he was so used to drooling women fawning all over him that it was not a challenge. I had no idea that he was so clueless as to not be aware of how many times per day he got hit on.

 

My BF & I decided to take him to a beach club bar & point out the error of his assumption. Between the time we stepped into the club until we reached the bar, my BF & I clocked 6 women who were checking out my buddy. We spend the day cherry picking the crowd & breaking the ice with various women for him. Within a week he had a new GF. About 3 months after that he met the woman who is now his wife. They have been together almost 20 years.

 

Many people who are wonderful interesting adults were nerdy kids who got picked on when they were younger. Despite the changes in their lives, they still remember their formative years & that colors their perceptions of themselves.

[alphamale]

Of the men who struggle with social skills, I sometimes wonder if they were more likely to have gone to single sex high schools and missed out on learning how to socialise with girls.

 

More likely is just related to basic poor social skills or anxiety

 

or didn't have a sister or other female relatives

[thefooloftheyear]

Unlike women, who if they have the right look/body will get all the attention from the opposite sex they will ever hope for, its just not the same for guys...

 

Heck, even a few butt ass ugly and broke guys I know are swimming with female attention...It's just intangible and unlearned traits that draw women to them...Often times it's their natural Alpha qualities, but doesn't always have to be..

 

As a guy if you happen to have both(looks and "it"), then the world is your oyster..."To the victor go the spoils" as they say....

 

TFY

[preraph]

Of the men who struggle with social skills, I sometimes wonder if they were more likely to have gone to single sex high schools and missed out on learning how to socialise with girls.

 

More likely is just related to basic poor social skills or anxiety

 

I noticed when I was young that the women who were real comfortable with men were those who have brothers. I didn't have any brothers.

[chillii]

Ahhh, cut him some slack you'd have no idea of his real situation. He got asked over to 3 total strangers , zero warning, he might've even had a gf at home , he might've been detoxing, he might've just finished a 12hour shift, who knows, and besides, not everyone has to be a playboy , very few l know in fact. But most have no problem finding a gf.

 

Many a people would get jittery in a situation like that male or female.

Edited April 18, 2019 by chillii

[bachdude]

Sorry, but this whole story sounds reminiscent of junior high. "So-and-so likes you..."

[snowcones]

If they are good-looking and have a nice, non-weird demeanor, the women will do all the work for them. I've seen it time and time again, so they never have to develop confidence.

Edited April 19, 2019 by snowcones