CrazyTurtle Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 I have been married for almost 10yrs and just discovered that my husband has been involved in online role playing in a BDSM group. I discovered it when I saw messages on his phone. I know that there is a lot of grey area about whether or not online chatting is cheating, but I am wondering if the role play aspect makes a difference? Even though it is role play of a sexual nature? I should also note that he has talked on the phone with some of the people he has met online and considers them "friends". Does anyone have experience in this kind of online community that can help me understand what his actions mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 I used to engage in it when I was young and single and just starting to dip my toes into the community. I don't know if I'd consider it "cheating" per se, but if he is hiding it from you, it's at the very least "deceit"... so yes, I would be upset if I were you. This isn't really like masturbating or writing in a private journal or anything... other people are involved so he should have been up-front about it IMO. Yes, it is "roleplaying", in the sense that you assume fictitious characters and everything that happens happens between those characters. It is usually frowned upon to mix IC (in-character) stuff with OOC (out-of-character) stuff, but obviously **** happens behind the scenes sometimes, especially with games of a sexual nature. I never did engage in that, but some of the people I talked to on them did. I think you should talk to him about it and ask him why he didn't want to open up to you about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 I would be concerned he will eventually expand the role playing to reality based activity. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 There are significant grey areas when it comes to cheating, particularly when it's non-physical and/or online. Some important things to consider: is he emotionally involved with these other people (we know its not physical), did he hide these activities from you, and most importantly do YOU consider it cheating? It may not be more than an amped up version of fantasizing, but in my view if he started doing this in secret and you are uncomfortable with it, it should stop. It's not clear to me whether you are angry or not. If you're not, then he's lucky you caught this before it (potentially) escalated to something more and that he has such an understanding wife. Some partners, I believe, would be quite angry and might even consider divorce over this. If you're fully comfortable with this kind of activity, consider whether you want to join in yourself. He should have no problem with that (should you wish to). If he does, that would be quite telling IMO because he's engaging in activities of a sexual nature with people other than you, his wife, and keeping you apart from it. Note: I'm into some forms of BDSM myself, so no judgement from me on the nature of the roleplay. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 All I know is that I'd be pretty damn unhappy about it if it was my wife doing stuff like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrazyTurtle Posted April 18, 2019 Author Share Posted April 18, 2019 Thank you for the helpful responses. My anger stems from the secrecy. I've known that he was hiding something from me for a few months. Instead of taking the openings I presented to talk about what was going on, he fed me bull**** and half truths. I am not interested in joining in it, but I am understanding of the fact that it is something he needs to participate in. I am trying to get a better understanding of what it involves, so I can decide where we go from here. Specifically the divide between in character and out of character. And what if he can't make that divide? Does it essential mean he is in a relationship with others? I'm not sure if I am capable of being in an open marriage. He isn't really talking to me about the details of what he is doing because he is afraid of scaring me away. I'm hoping that once I have a better understanding of the general concept, I will be able to ask relavent questions and he will be able to open up. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 Yeah. If this was kept secret from you he knows it was wrong to do, so IMO it constitutes cheating at some level. Better that it be out in the open and addressed. As his wife you have all the business in the world asking for full transparency about this. You shouldn't settle for less IMO. After all it is, at it's heart, a sexual thing. And if it makes you uncomfortable or at some point starts to escalate to a level where it does, you have every right to insist that he stop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 (edited) Specifically the divide between in character and out of character. And what if he can't make that divide? Does it essential mean he is in a relationship with others? To answer this question specifically, I don't know exactly what sort of online roleplaying you mean - there are various platforms and all of them have different rules. If it is a "structured" platform like a MUD/MUSH or a roleplay forum, there would usually be rules that cause people to be banned if they consistently try to mix IC and OOC publicly on the platform. Obviously, people can private message each other and say/do whatever they want in private. Not everyone does but of course some do. For those who do, the "relationship" is rarely real and rarely acted on physically (partly due to geographical barriers), but that doesn't mean it's not cheating. Essentially, my take on this is that you have every right to be upset about this and want him to stop. You also have every right to want him to open up to you about this. If he is unwilling to, he is not being a considerate, honest, or loyal partner. He may be embarrassed to talk about it (and I can understand this, because as a woman my observation is that kinky men tend to be judged more harshly than women), but that does not outweigh your right to know. I would hope that he values your marriage more than his embarrassment. I suggest you tell him you need to know about this and that you won't judge the kink itself. However you will and should judge the secrecy if he carries on making it a secret, and once you have all the details you should also have the authority to decide whether you are OK with him continuing or not. Edited April 18, 2019 by Elswyth 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 I'm hoping that once I have a better understanding of the general concept, I will be able to ask relevant questions and he will be able to open up. In a working, healthy relationship, right/wrong takes a backseat to your comfort level. If it doesn't work for you , he needs to discuss and compromise in ways that allow you to go forward as a couple. As part of that adjustment, would you be open to any of this activity within the confines of your marriage? Help him scratch the itch, so to speak? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 I will clip it. My friend was married for 24 yrs, unhappily to a demanding, disrespectful, self centered spouse. He became an online dungeon master or something...now they are divorced....quickly. Op, it is not a good sign for your relationship. IMHO, it means he is un satisfied with the sex with you, and he is seeking something that you are not providing. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 Op, it is not a good sign for your relationship. IMHO, it means he is un satisfied with the sex with you, and he is seeking something that you are not providing. BDSM is not something that anyone is expected to "provide" to anyone. If there is no mutual desire or at least mutual interest in trying, it is not BDSM. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 BDSM is not something that anyone is expected to "provide" to anyone. If there is no mutual desire or at least mutual interest in trying, it is not BDSM. Really, no kidding. I am not saying that...you are. Is there a point in attempting to correct my opinion? I said something...not neccesarily that. My college buddy went to that for himself....I am sure if they had a relationship that was emotionally and sexually satisfying, he would not have found an escape as some online fantasy dungeon master. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 Really, no kidding. I am not saying that...you are. Is there a point in attempting to correct my opinion? I said something...not neccesarily that. My college buddy went to that for himself....I am sure if they had a relationship that was emotionally and sexually satisfying, he would not have found an escape as some online fantasy dungeon master. You said: he is seeking something that you are not providing. And you are saying it again in your current post - the implication that his actions are somehow her fault for "not providing" something. Most of us kinky folks don't have 100% of our kinks "provided" in our relationship, because no two individuals have a 100% kink overlap. That's normal and okay. It does not excuse the choice to cheat/deceive. There are plenty of outlets that do not involve hiding interaction with other people from your spouse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 (edited) I never said that she had to provide BDSM..I just said something and his sex life is unsatisfying, so he found the escape in the BDSM online whatever. If you read the rest, you will note my characterization of her behavior(demanding, disrespectful, self centered), and I used that as a preface as to why he may have found an escape with online BDSM. BTW, her behavior is not an excuse to cheat, but I don't view online, anonymous, fantasy role playing as "cheating". I would consider it just another form of porn. I'm sure that many will argue this, but this side discussion is just static to question about what the OP asked. Besides, I was answering the OP with a personal example....I was not endorsing his behavior nor judging the morality of her spouse's conduct. OP, back to you. IMHO, it can lead down a bad path for your marriage. Edited April 25, 2019 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 op, in your shoes, I would talk to him in a non-judgemental way. Let him know that you know about his online activities, and if you are okay with them. let him know that. It might take a big weight off his shoulders. If you are okay with him exploring this side of himself, then you have every right to set parameters for what you will and will not find acceptable. In turn, he also has the right to decide whether or not these parameters are something he can live with. Either way, I would talk to him before moving forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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