AngelLove Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 He doesn't outright refuse but he will give an excuse as to why he can't make it.He wanted to meet me today but I'm not in a mood for sex and just wanted someone to just talk to since I'm dealing with other personal issues. Of course something came up and we can't meet. He always texts me and tell me how much he misses me and how he has fallen in love with me. But I don't understand why he won't see me unless sex is on the table? Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 Because that is all you are to him. Do better for your self. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 But I don't understand why he won't see me unless sex is on the table? I'd argue you do understand, but just don't want to accept it . 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 Look, words are cheap, and a married man willing to cheat is obviously a liar, capable of lying to someone he is supposed to cherish and protect. If he can lie to his wife he is far more easily able to lie to you without qualms or bad feelings. So ignoring his words, see his actions - you can see that they don't align. Thats why you're asking this. As CO said, you just don't want to accept it, probably because his cheap lies sound so sweet and lovely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 He's simply not emotionally attached to you. He isn't looking for that. He is just looking for sex variety. You have to stop trying to make this into something it isn't. This is just sex and he is just a cheater liar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 He is not your friend, or your boyfriend, or your husband... He has no interest in providing emotional support in the way that it would be reasonable to expect a boyfriend to do. His interest in you is sexual. If you want someone who cares about you and your well-being, you would be better to find yourself a boyfriend, rather than an affair partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 You’re his mistress, not his wife’s. He meets you for sex, not love. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 Angelove, Some of the responses here have been brutally blunt, but accurate. May I gently suggest that you consider what you want in a partner and leave out all of the hormonal stuff? For example, one of my absolute “must haves” was the ability to be there for me. You didn’t have to be the richest, smartest, most handsome or the best in bed. But if I needed you, you had to be there. I literally and happily ended relationships when my partner failed me like that. There was just no point in continuing the charade. No amount of “time” or “discussion” could make up for fundamentally failing me like that. I had done it once, learned the hard way and I was never going to put myself in that type of situation again. Mind you, I was rarely needy - these were big things - and not being there was a fatal flaw. As women, we tend to fall in love first and then set “terms of endearment” later and that is all backwards. Please get rid of this guy and next time, choose someone single and don’t give him your trust or your heart until he earns it. You will be amazed at how easy love is when you have established boundaries from the start. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 You will be amazed at how easy love is when you have established boundaries from the start. Well said. I completely agree. You will also be quite frustrated with yourself when you realize how much time you have wasted on a dead end relationship that could not possibly bring you what you wanted, and allowed yourself to be used in this way... If you want more, you need to require more - from yourself and from the men that you invite into your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 But if I needed you, you had to be there. I literally and happily ended relationships when my partner failed me like that. There was just no point in continuing the charade. No amount of “time” or “discussion” could make up for fundamentally failing me like that. This is so insightful and true. As OW, we lose sight of our own self-worth as human beings and chase after scraps. Who know what he's like with his wife, but with you, he's being selfish and one-sided. He's not there for you. Why would you want to continue being there for him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 OP, may I gently suggest that you end it. Affairs quite often turn into major emotional headaches even if they're not discovered. If they are discovered, they can ruin people's lives. If you take a step back, it's already become clear that you're not getting what you want/need out of this. The discrepancy between the pillow talk and the actions is significant. Suggest you take a few more steps back. And then a few more. And walk away from this. He may be willing to risk divorce and partial separation from kids (if he has them) over this, but you don't have to be the one who helps him do it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 Who know what he's like with his wife, but with you, he's being selfish and one-sided. He’s not treating his wife with the respect and consideration that she deserves if he is chasing other women for sex. It’s probably fairly safe to assume that he is being selfish and one-sided with her too - she just may not know it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 He doesn't outright refuse but he will give an excuse as to why he can't make it.He wanted to meet me today but I'm not in a mood for sex and just wanted someone to just talk to since I'm dealing with other personal issues. Of course something came up and we can't meet. He always texts me and tell me how much he misses me and how he has fallen in love with me. But I don't understand why he won't see me unless sex is on the table? Because to him it's an affair where he's not emotionally invested in you and he doesn't want to be your friend or be there for you when you 'need' him UNLESS it's sex related. Seems your affair is based on sex and that's it. If you want more than just that, please find the strength to end it and find a (single) guy who will offer you more than sex. This MM isn't in love with you, he's in love with how you make him feel. He hasn't shown you in actions that he cares for you or your life/issues/problems. I hope you see this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngelLove Posted April 19, 2019 Author Share Posted April 19, 2019 I guess you guys are right ... I'm trying to make this more than what it is. Even last night when we were texting , I asked him what he was doing and he said he was watching hockey to which I replied, I wish i was there cuddling with you. He was like, we wouldn't cuddling that's for sure. Then I said it would be nice if we could spend the night together. He didn't respond to that Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 I guess you guys are right ... I'm trying to make this more than what it is. Even last night when we were texting , I asked him what he was doing and he said he was watching hockey to which I replied, I wish i was there cuddling with you. He was like, we wouldn't cuddling that's for sure. Then I said it would be nice if we could spend the night together. He didn't respond to that AngelLove, do you really want to settle for this? A man who sees you as a sexual object to be used and then put on a shelf when he is done with you? He doesn’t respond to your text because he knows you want something he can’t/does not want to provide. If you want someone to cuddle with when watching tv - because that is a truly wonderful thing to do - you need to find yourself a boyfriend. Not a married man. He is cuddling with his wife, while watching hockey... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngelLove Posted April 19, 2019 Author Share Posted April 19, 2019 (edited) AngelLove, do you really want to settle for this? A man who sees you as a sexual object to be used and then put on a shelf when he is done with you? He doesn’t respond to your text because he knows you want something he can’t/does not want to provide. If you want someone to cuddle with when watching tv - because that is a truly wonderful thing to do - you need to find yourself a boyfriend. Not a married man. He is cuddling with his wife, while watching hockey... You're right, I have to end it. I tried ending it before but he wouldn't let me go..stating he misses me and I'm all he thinks about etc. If sex is only thing he is interested in, can't he get it elsewhere and let me go? That's what baffles me. And now I'm just accepting the fact that he never had any intention of leaving his wife as he initially promised when we met Edited April 19, 2019 by AngelLove 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 Yeah, he means he missed the variety sex, that's all. Seriously. Cheaters are often this shallow and they care VERY much about variety sex with someone who's not telling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 (edited) You're right, I have to end it. I tried ending it before but he wouldn't let me go... It’s not his decision though. If you really wanted to end it, there would be nothing he could say that would change your mind. Whether you continue to have sex with this man or not is entirely your decision, not his. If sex is only thing he is interested in, can't he get it elsewhere and let me go? That's what baffles me. As is often shared on this site, it’s far easier to keep the OW you have, than to find a new one. And now I'm just accepting the fact that he never had any intention of leaving his wife as he initially promised when we met Of course he lied to you. Would you have slept with him if he told you that he was happy in his marriage such that he had no intention of leaving his wife... that all he wanted from you was sex and all he could offer you were some texts and a few stolen moments - all at his convenience? And knowing what you know about this man, would you really want a man who is capable of lying and cheating on the woman he supposedly “loves.” I would hope not. Edited April 19, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 You're right, I have to end it. I tried ending it before but he wouldn't let me go..stating he misses me and I'm all he thinks about etc. If sex is only thing he is interested in, can't he get it elsewhere and let me go? That's what baffles me. And now I'm just accepting the fact that he never had any intention of leaving his wife as he initially promised when we met Yes, so are these true statements or lies? Taking another step back to gain perspective - what do they look like to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 You're right, I have to end it. I tried ending it before but he wouldn't let me go..stating he misses me and I'm all he thinks about etc. You mean YOU wouldn't let HIM go. He's not physically restraining you. You are 100% in charge of this decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 He doesn't outright refuse but he will give an excuse as to why he can't make it.He wanted to meet me today but I'm not in a mood for sex and just wanted someone to just talk to since I'm dealing with other personal issues. Of course something came up and we can't meet. He always texts me and tell me how much he misses me and how he has fallen in love with me. But I don't understand why he won't see me unless sex is on the table? If you go back and read your own post here, isn't it obvious? That being said, I do understand if you say no. I mean I was oblivious to an obvious affair myself. Raging red flags all over the place and I didn't get it, till it was undeniable. So I get it if you don't see he is just using you for sex. I suspect that if you pull back, tell him you are out bc he is just using you for sex, he will either ghost you and find another willing sex toy or he will lie to you and fake enough interest in you so that you come back for another roll in the hay. Those of us that have been here awhile have seen OW's strung along by MM for years this way. Giving just enough fake "love" to keep them putting out. Link to post Share on other sites
dogloverof2 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 Hopefully one morning you will wake up and look in the mirror and see someone that realizes that she deserves more and deserves better. The time you spend with him or spend waiting on him, is time you could be out having fun with friends and even meet someone that will let you know just how valuable you are to them. You are being used and used for only one thing...and it's not LOVE. Love yourself and let go of the dead weight you have in your life.. It will take time to move on but you will not regret it.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 Wow, AngelLove, sorry but this guy is just gross. He tells you whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep you on his string. Don't be strung...or strung along. End it now before you become even more emotionally invested and waste yourself on this very unworthy person who clearly doesn't give a hoot about you at all (doesn't want to touch or talk with you if it's not sex--his only interest in you). You are worth so much more than this. He will never see you more than his object to pleasure him. Sorrry to be blunt, but that is exactly what you've got here. Be kinder to yourself than you are to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 Leave. He only sees you as nothing but a bed warmer. There are some MM who would make an effort to be with their OW or have some time with their OW even if sex is not included. But this one? Just leave. He doesn't care about you. He wasn't emotionally attached with you. He is just using you. He doesn't respect you even a bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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