how to stop mentioning your ex constantly.

[2much4]

I've been broken up with my ex for several months now, and am dating someone new. We dated for more or less two years, on and off. While I think I am mostly over it and don't want him back....I noticed I still talk a lot about him.

 

Usually when I am around common friends, which seems to be kinda triggering. I never ask for information (tbh I prefer not to know anything about his life), but I will mention things we experienced together (like trips, going to a certain restaurant) or things we discussed together (e.g. X always told me I should find another job)

 

Sometimes I will get really insecure when I found out my friends and my ex did something together without me. I tend to talk a lot more about him then and afterwards I feel embarassed because of it.

 

It kind of bothers me, because it probably makes me look like I'm not over him, but I'm not sure how to stop. I really like our common friends so I don't want to avoid them, but somehow it automatically triggers memories.

 

Maybe part of it is also habbit.

[chillii]

2 years would need more than a few months for starters. You haven't even worked through things mentally and emotionally yet so seeing someone else so soon , not a real good idea.

As far as talking about him and you guys , you'll probably find that you'll have to consciously make the effort of not doing that so much because you've been a very big part of each others lives and that doesn't just go away in a few months.

[stillafool]

Just make up your mind that you aren't going to talk about him anymore and when you feel his name coming in your mouth, stop it. He has moved on and is probably not talking about you to his dates.

[preraph]

Just use self-discipline. You can say you went to a place and did something without saying with who. I know it's making you look pathetic to your friends, and it's also probably getting back to him. It's strictly up to you to control this inside yourself. You can control anything you do or say if you just make up your mind to do it.

[BaileyB]

It is self discipline. You need to make a decision that you will not talk about him anymore and stop yourself everything the thought comes into your brain - before those words come out of your mouth.

 

The other thing you need to do, have other experiences. With time and distance, you will create new memories and the memories of your ex will not be as prominent in your memory.

[elaine567]

You are not over him.

[preraph]

One more tip I'll add to Bailey's excellent advice about making new memories is if you find yourself only thinking about the things you liked about him and missing that, make a discipline of stopping yourself and every time you start pining for something that was a good thing, stop and make yourself think of two bad things. Because otherwise, you're idealizing the good parts and sweeping the bad under the rug. I had to do this on a guy to get past it at all and keep myself from continuing thinking about it all, and it actually worked. I would think of something good and then I'd say, yeah, but he did this or that or his clothes aren't always clean or just anything, and then I'd end up mad instead of sentimental, which is an improvement, I think.

[BaileyB]

You are not over him.

 

This^^^^^^^

[2much4]

The other thing you need to do, have other experiences. With time and distance, you will create new memories and the memories of your ex will not be as prominent in your memory.

 

I guess it's mostly about this, good advice. My current partner just lost his parent and is usually in quite a bad mood and not really in the mood to do anything.... So we spend most of the time at home.

 

I really miss going out, doing stuff and discovering new places with someone. I might just ask some friends if they have anything planned over easter =)

[2much4]

One more tip I'll add to Bailey's excellent advice about making new memories is if you find yourself only thinking about the things you liked about him and missing that, make a discipline of stopping yourself and every time you start pining for something that was a good thing, stop and make yourself think of two bad things. Because otherwise, you're idealizing the good parts and sweeping the bad under the rug. I had to do this on a guy to get past it at all and keep myself from continuing thinking about it all, and it actually worked. I would think of something good and then I'd say, yeah, but he did this or that or his clothes aren't always clean or just anything, and then I'd end up mad instead of sentimental, which is an improvement, I think.

 

Yeah, I do think I might be doing just that. We were a really bad match to be fair, but I've really been missing his city (he lives in a holiday kind of place) and this feeling of adventure I had when we'd decide to see/do something new together.

 

I don't really want to be angry at him, but the idea is good. When I get sentimental I'll try to think of two new things I can try right now to create new, better memories.

[snowcones]

It takes me months, even up to a year to stop doing this. It's not the end of the world and you won't die or have to be admitted to a mental hospital, but people will get tired of hearing about him and make comments to you about how bad it is to do this. Just get used to it or tell them to chill.

[2much4]

It takes me months, even up to a year to stop doing this. It's not the end of the world and you won't die or have to be admitted to a mental hospital, but people will get tired of hearing about him and make comments to you about how bad it is to do this. Just get used to it or tell them to chill.

 

Oh Im glad to hear Im not the only one!! I do this after absolutely every relationship...haven't been told to shut up yet, but I don't want to let it get to this point.

[whichwayisup]

You are far from over him. And you need to tell your friends not to talk about him and what he's doing. Ask them to please respect this as it's hindering your letting go and moving on process.

 

You have a choice too, if they do talk about him you don't have to talk about him! Somehow you need to not care.

[Gretchen12]

Instead of saying "John used to tell me I should get another job", you say "I've been told by an ex I should get another job." You see how it's different? Instead of saying "I loved visiting John's city." You say "I love visiting (name of city)".

 

The guy is an ex. His file now gets archived with the other exes. The recent ex you may still have his file out. Then at some point you drag and drop it in with "the others".

 

If you catch yourself about to say something about your ex, you can control the exact words that come out of your mouth.

[preraph]

Yeah, I do think I might be doing just that. We were a really bad match to be fair, but I've really been missing his city (he lives in a holiday kind of place) and this feeling of adventure I had when we'd decide to see/do something new together.

 

I don't really want to be angry at him, but the idea is good. When I get sentimental I'll try to think of two new things I can try right now to create new, better memories.

 

Well, I get that. The goal is to be realistic and not idealize. Also, I get you associate him with the good times in the city. But I learned early on that if there's something a person is giving you (or even a certain way they are that you admire), instead of getting it from them, give it to yourself or become that way. You know, you can be whatever you want. If you need to move somewhere, well, that might be where you find your niche. It was for me. Not that I didn't have valuable friends and good place to live in my old state, but I found my niche when I moved to a place that had a bigger music culture.