Do I need to break up with my boyfriend of 5 years?

[Ajquestions]

So I convinced my boyfriend, who's four years older than me, to make an instagram because he's so into art. I suggested lots of art pages that he does follow now, but did notice that he follows literally hundreds of instagram models and likes and saves a lot of their pictures. Our 2 years old was playing around with his tablet recently, and upon taking it from her, my eyes caught the words "she makes my heartbeat fast whenever she messages me" and of course, due to issues at the beginning of our relationship, I couldn't help but continue reading. The name was never mentioned but it was evident that he wasn't taking about me, but he was mentioning that he loves the person.

 

Shamefully so, I wound up reading the entire conversation, later noticing that he was talking to another woman. He was constantly bashing me to her, not once said anything good about me and told her a lot of my personal business. Things that should've stayed between the two of us. He also told her that he didn't believe that I actually miscarried our first child. He though I was lying. Mind you this happened 5 years ago. He watched me suffer day in and day out after I lost my baby. He also told her about his ex writing him on Facebook saying that she wanted to "serve him p*ssy for breakfast". I confronted him about all of this and he claims that he was lying about the ex writing him because he "just wanted a crazy story to tell".

 

The most pressing thing though, was that i put two and two together and assumed he was talking about another one of his exes when he was saying that he loved someone. It took some time, and I finally got the guts to ask him if he still loves his ex, who I knew by name. He admitted that he does, and my heart has been in pieces ever since. He was with her over 7 years ago and have been with other women since her and before me. And if that's not bad enough, as good of a guy as he is, he tends to have a really sucky attitude when it comes to me. I've told him could less times that I don't like the way he talks to me a lot of the time, but it just continues.

 

He apologizes but does the same things over again't and it almost makes me feel like he's manipulating me. I don't doubt that he loves me, but somehow I can't shake the feeling that he probably treats me this way because he'd rather be with his ex, that after all this time, he still can't seem to get over. He even told the female that he was talking to that I'm lucky that he's not like other guys because he would've "tossed me to the side by now". I've stayed quiet on things for so long but now that I'm no longer willing to do that, and that I'm standing up for myself, he badmouths me to so many people behind my back.

 

But I've stuck with him through everything that he's put me through. Yes, I know, I'M the idiot for that. I don't get it. I'm so good to him and I've only ever been respectful and good to him. I cook for him, clean for him, motivate him and support him, even when I disagree. Aside from financially, I practically have been caring for our child on my own since the beginning. All things that he doesn't do for me.

 

Sometimes I feel like I've fallen so far down the rabbit hole that I can't escape him, but I love him so much that it hurts. I don't know what to do and I've lost hope that things will improve. I want to leave him but I don't want to leave him. Probably because he's my first real relationship and we have a kid together. He even tells me that he wants another baby with me. How can I detach my heart from this and leave him? I know that I deserve much better than what he's been giving me, and no matter how much I bring it up, we always end up back to square one.

[preraph]

You say you know he loves you, but when someone loves you the very last thing they want to do is hurt you or disrespect you to others. Whatever he has for you isn't love. Maybe codependence, maybe he's in love with sex or just having a partner and can't be alone.

 

Look, give yourself some time to digest the reality of the situation. Go by what he does (sounds like not much!) rather than as much what he says. You know he's cheating online and cares more about his ex. This woman online is no doubt an internet prostitute the way she talks, so better look at finances and be sure he's not sending her money. It would be disguised as some innocent looking company probably.

 

Look, you have a child, so he's going to be in your life. But you deserve better and I just don't see how you can give him your heart like before after all this. But just give yourself some time to think about it. You likely would be better off just insisting he take joint custody so you can both work and so you can still have time off to yourself (and so he'll HAVE to learn to take proper care of your child -- someday he might have to, you know) and so you have 3 and a half days to socialize and rebuild your life you handed over to him.

 

Don't for a moment consider not making him take joint custody. For one thing, once they know you don't want that, they use it for leverage to give you a lot less than you're entitled to. For another, you deserve a life and the child deserves to functioning parents. You know, once faced with having to share care for the child, he just MIGHT grow up a little.

[Ajquestions]

It sucks that you may be right. I just don't understand why all the times I was ready to leave, he would grovel for me to stay or come back and tell me how much he doesn't want to lose me. I do believe, as I've told him, that he loves the idea of me and he spent that week convincing me otherwise, but then things revert right back

[Mr. Lucky]

I do believe, as I've told him, that he loves the idea of me

 

Perceptive. You provide access to and care for the child you have together, and most likely a steady supply of hot meals and good sex. Who'd want to give that up?

 

The real question is, how do you feel about the "idea" of him? Do you enjoy being deceived, cheated on and betrayed, having your business discussed with online strangers?

 

This isn't about why he does what he does. Question is, what are your values and what you'll do to support them? Ball is in your court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Sometimes I feel like I've fallen so far down the rabbit hole that I can't escape him, but I love him so much that it hurts. I don't know what to do and I've lost hope that things will improve. I want to leave him but I don't want to leave him.

 

You know that you’ve lost yourself when you feel so dependent on another person that you don’t feel like you have other options and chose to stay, even when that person hurts you and disrespects you.

 

You know you deserve more, and yet... you are settling for so little.

 

The simple truth is, you teach people how to treat you. If you chose to stay, what does that teach him about you? What does it teach your child (children) - about their mother, about relationships, and about what they should expect from their partner when they marry?

Edited April 18, 2019 by BaileyB

[bathtub-row]

He has basically betrayed you in every way he could. He doesn’t love you and he only grovels when you try to leave because men hate change. He would much rather keep you around and his honeys on the side. And he’s waiting for Little Miss Love of His Life to come back so that he can dump you like yesterday’s news.

 

But, yeah, “I love him” and “We have a child together” are great reasons to stay with a guy who treats you like crap and is poised to cheat on you any second.

[Dandelioness]

He's admitted to you that he's still in love with his ex. You caught him badmouthing you online. He's afraid of being alone. He may want another child to secure you from leaving him.

 

Should you leave him? Yes.

[BettyDraper]

He wants another baby to keep you tied to him and less likely to leave.

He also grovels because that is what manipulative emotional abusers do when their victims get up the courage to leave.

 

Why wouldn't you doubt that he loves you when he treats you with such blatant disrespect? You deserve to be with a man who loves you and treat you with kindness.

 

Make all of your plans to leave and then walk away with very little explanation.

Do not give him the chance to change your mind and have a lawyer facilitate child support and visitation arrangements.

[d0nnivain]

You need to ask yourself the age old Ann Landers Q: would you be better off with him or without him? When you answer that you will know what to do.

 

In the short term do NOT have another kid with him. Adding a child to a messed up situation makes things worse, not better.

 

 

Please do accept my condolences on the death of your 1st baby.

[Mrs._December]

I want to leave him but I don't want to leave him. Probably because he's my first real relationship and we have a kid together. He even tells me that he wants another baby with me. How can I detach my heart from this and leave him? I know that I deserve much better than what he's been giving me, and no matter how much I bring it up, we always end up back to square one.

I honestly don't understand why this is even a question for you at this point. I mean, if you're good with being disrespected, devalued, denigrated, insulted, betrayed, lied to and used on a daily basis - which is exactly what he's doing - then I guess you should stay with him.

 

If you know your self worth and you know you're wasting your life on some disrespectful fool whose 'settling' for you because he can't have the one he REALLY wants, then you'll wisely choose to move on to a healthier and more authentic life. Just because you have a kid with him doesn't mean you have to stay with him. And for the love of ALL that's holy, do NOT have another kid with him.

 

The guy doesn't love you like you want to be loved. You saw it clearly in writing. He's even told you he's in love with his ex, but what he didn't say - and didn't HAVE to - is where that leaves you. And where that leaves you is compromising your own needs and desires and lowering your expectations just to be able to stay with a man who doesn't love you the way you want to be loved, refuses to respect you or respect your position in his life, and sees you as good enough to spit his kids out for him and cook his meals and wash his dirty underwear for him, but not worthy of the love he has for his ex.

 

THAT'S who you're so 'torn' about leaving.

 

Look, most first serious relationships don't last for life. They don't. This is merely life experience you're getting, is all. You seem to think that just because he's your first 'serious' one, you have to cling to him like grim death no matter HOW much he disrespects you and treats you like an unwelcome house guest. And if he's talking crap about you behind your back and worse, divulging your intimate and personal business to strangers, then he's a POS, plain and simple. The nasty, despicable, disrespectful things he's been saying about you ALONE should be enough to get you to pack your bags and leave him. Then when you add on that he isn't even in love with you on TOP of the mountain of disrespect he's dumped on your head, and the question begs to be asked, why on earth are you still there? And don't use your kid as an excuse for staying like so many do; it's so much easier to claim you're choosing to martyr yourself and stay for you kid when the real truth that most stay is simply because they're too afraid to make the big move to a healthier and more authentic life without the toxic person they kept clinging to.

 

I hope when you finally get the courage to leave this sub-par relationship, you use this life experience as a lesson. And that lesson would be to never compromise your own values by settling for being some guy's 2nd choice while he's pining away for some other woman. Settling for birthing his kids and being his house cleaner, cook and laundress is NOT enough to compromise your own values or lower expectations for, just to hold onto someone that isn't even in love with you.

 

Let him find some other woman to victimize and disrespect and trash talk while she's busy carrying his child for him. I wouldn't even have a goldfish with this creature, much less have a baby with him. Be smart and don't have any MORE with him.

 

Learn from this, Ajquestions, so you don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship. NEVER give more than you're giving!!!!

[mark clemson]

It sounds very much like you're in love with the wrong person. He may be very good at hot/cold manipulation of your feelings (possibly unconsciously so - for some people it's just by "instinct").

 

IMO, he is just going to hurt you further by cheating - he's already working on it.

 

I'm by no means an expert on this, but your relationship does sounds like some sort of bizarre codependence to me. Neither of you should want to stay with the other. It's as if you're both split in half (mentally) with half wanting to continue it and the other half hating it/having major issues.

 

Agree that having another kid in this situation sounds like a bad idea.

 

Could it be that he stays with you primarily to "stick it to" the Ex that he's still so emotionally attached to? You are a kind of proof (at a surface level) that he has successfully moved on. You're main role may be to be a buffer against feelings of failure with respect to her and/or to show her or prove to himself that he doesn't need her. Just a thought.

 

Whether or not I'm right about any of that, honestly this situation is all kinds of messed up IMO.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Leave. He contributes practically nothing and is an anchor around your neck. Get that monkey off your back, breathe a big breath of fresh air, and put that energy he is sucking out of you into something productive for yourself and your child. You and your child deserve much better, and think what you'll be teaching your child to accept as an adult (not to mention traumas from growing up with cheating dad) if you stay. You got this! Love yourself more than you love him. One step at a time you will find your way!

[smi11ie]

He's a faker on the prowl for an upgrade. Ditch him now to stop him from using you as a "foot-up". Honestly, people like him deserve the scraps and you are far better off investing your time in someone who wants to build a future with you.

[fishlips]

If your child is a girl, would you want her staying with a man like him?

 

I hope the answer is no.

[ExpatInItaly]

Does your definition of love include disrespecting you the way he has? Betraying your trust? Insulting you to other people?

 

He doesn't love you, OP.

[BettyDraper]

If your child is a girl, would you want her staying with a man like him?

 

I hope the answer is no.

 

This is a great question.

OP, would you be pleased if you had a son and he grew up to be just like his father?