How to tell if someone is not interested or just shy

[Springsummer]

The counselor I saw a couple of times told me, if someone is interested in you he will do some thing and create opportunities to see you.

 

Is it always true? what if that person is shy?

 

like you walked by each other. the person didn't look at your face and smile, but stare below your face(sweater?)

[chillii]

Haaa , like that way you threw in sweater .

Not enough to go on though really, could be nothing anything at this stage.

Has he done anything else, do you see him around much , how is he other times ?

[preraph]

Honestly, he walks by and doesn't smile or look you in the eye and acknowledge you in any way but just stares at your sweater (chest) -- sounds like a CREEP!

[basil67]

Yes, a person who is interested will make effort to get to know you.

 

So we're talking about the guy in your apartment building who you've had a crush on for ages? He's not interested. He barely knows you exist. And a the squeaked out 'hi' you made....he probably thought you hiccuped or something. And I'm betting that he wasn't staring at your sweater - more likely he was facing in your general direction with his head slightly bowed.

 

For future reference, if you want to acquaint yourself with someone you pass on a regular basis, do this: with head up and confident voice say "Hi, I keep seeing you around, my name is SpringSummer" and be ready to make small talk. It will work 9/10 times. The other 1/10 may not be the type to talk to strangers and will think you crazy.

[Springsummer]

Haaa , like that way you threw in sweater .

Not enough to go on though really, could be nothing anything at this stage.

Has he done anything else, do you see him around much , how is he other times ?

 

I can't draw a conclusion.

 

Generally just walked by each other in 1-3 seconds. so mostly not enough time to really react or even notice if he has ring.

[Springsummer]

Honestly, he walks by and doesn't smile or look you in the eye and acknowledge you in any way but just stares at your sweater (chest) -- sounds like a CREEP!

 

to be fair it was 1-2 seconds thing, so may not have enough time to even look up or not.... I do noticed the stare was intended and interested though...don't think it is usual so that's why I am curious and ask here!

 

It's still winter here, so there is not much to show besides the cloth:)

[alphamale]

the people who are interested in you will make eye contact with you, the more the eye contact the more the interest

[basil67]

I can't draw a conclusion.

 

Generally just walked by each other in 1-3 seconds. so mostly not enough time to really react or even notice if he has ring.

 

Please don't place significance on absence of a ring. He may have a long term girlfriend. A long distance girlfriend. Or be married and not wear a ring. Or currently not fit the ring and took it off.

[Springsummer]

The other time, I was looking straight ahead and feeling almighty after a weekend of skiing and snowboarding then he suddenly walked into my direction, and he looked at my face for like what felt like forever, until we both turn to the door and I pressed the automatic open door button, because I don't want to hold the door for him and he said thank you and I didn't response because I was still pissed that he didn't say hi in the elevator the other day.

[Springsummer]

oh, forget about this...I will just be patient with my Tinder and keep swiping!

[preraph]

Springsummer, I'm afraid it sounds like he's mostly trying to avoid making contact with you. He's not done one thing to suggest he'd like to talk to you. He's avoiding looking into your face until he gets past you. It's not good. I do hope you have your eye on some other guys besides this one.

 

But I do take it back about him being a creep looking at your chest now that I know he's just trying to get past you without incident.

[Springsummer]

Springsummer, I'm afraid it sounds like he's mostly trying to avoid making contact with you.

 

yes. looks like it. I asked because his stare is not like blank kind of stare but interested. but if he doesn't making any effort, then in the end he is not interested. That's what I told myself as well. definitely interested kind of stare...maybe he really just interested in the clothing.

Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Springsummer]

Springsummer, I'm afraid it sounds like he's mostly trying to avoid making contact with you.

 

yes, I am learning not to give a f to anyone. I need to broaden my horizon and taste.

[preraph]

And listen, even when you think you have one paying attention, it's still good to just keep shopping until and unless you become exclusive. I made that mistake more than once when young, get so hung up on someone I might or might not even end up seeing that I walled off everyone else. I made myself stop that after I got some experience on me. I used to get real focused. And I wasted a LOT of time.

[Springsummer]

And listen, even when you think you have one paying attention, it's still good to just keep shopping until and unless you become exclusive. I made that mistake more than once when young, get so hung up on someone I might or might not even end up seeing that I walled off everyone else. I made myself stop that after I got some experience on me. I used to get real focused. And I wasted a LOT of time.

 

yes. I am a very fixated and idealistic person. Not practical and street smart about life and 'love'. Seemed kind of late to realize this now. and it's not like I have alot of options either.

 

I used to believe love at first sigh and last forever. well, I grew up in an environment where basically nobody gets divorce and not informed of the outside world. I didn't know how real world operates.

Edited April 19, 2019 by Springsummer

[preraph]

Well, if you grew up in an environment where nobody gets divorced, maybe when you do find your person, you won't get divorced either. But if you find that right person, it won't feel like worry and work and frustration and guesswork.

 

So I guess like most of my generation, you have that idealistic fairytale mindset that if you are attracted to some guy, he MUST have mutual feelings. Unfortunately, that is just a fairytale and honestly, it really has caused a lot of problems for people who took it to heart. It is what made me obsess and think it must be a two-way thing, and a lot of people on Loveshack the same way. They just think that's the person and they're just not doing the right thing from some romcom to make it all fall into place. But sadly, that's fiction. And it's all based on romanticizing the person and projecting onto them and hoping that they are that ideal person you have in your head. And that's what you've done here. By all accounts, this guy isn't even nice, much less your Prince Charming.

 

You have to shut down the storyline in your head because seriously, no one will ever fit into that. And just start meeting as many people as possible, have a healthy social life, expand your friend circle if possible and instead of setting your sites on someone who roughly fits your ideal, just try to keep a blank slate in your brain about them and just wait and see what they are like if you get the chance. Let them show you what they're like, and you'll either like them or not. That ideal person just doesn't exist. Some people get lucky though and find love with someone they'd never have consciously gone in search of.

[chillii]

no body divorced where l grew up either , God almighty , different world.

In this day mum and dad would've divorced for sure , but they stay married they didn't believe in divorce and ended up full circle and doting all over each other again after 56 yrs.

 

But anyway yeppa , the trick is finding the mutual for sure , but yaknow, it does happen to everyone else along the way too.

[Tailor2000]

The counselor I saw a couple of times told me, if someone is interested in you he will do some thing and create opportunities to see you.

 

Is it always true? what if that person is shy?

 

like you walked by each other. the person didn't look at your face and smile, but stare below your face(sweater?)

 

Let me see if I can answer from my shy guy perspective.

 

People on the spectrum, (Autism, Aspergers etc) can have a very hard time with eye contact. It takes us many meetings to work towards looking into your eyes. We may feel confident to look at your eyes when you're not looking, or if you're looking in our direction we may well look down, at your nose, ears, hair, teeth, even your sweater. We're not rude, we just have a problem with eye contact, and we know how important that is, so we may well try and fake eye contact so that we don't appear rude. We like people. We just have a hard time with the whole social interaction thing and trying to work out what your motives are. You have to be crystal clear.

 

Unfortunately, I would say you don't have enough information to go on. So, if you're a little more outgoing, throw this person a bone. If they're interested in you and doing as much as they can, and trust me, if they're shy, getting into your space is so difficult that they need as much help as they can, then you need to help them out a little bit. Maybe have a little conversation.

 

Even at this point, if they're shy, they still won't be sure what your motives are. Are you just being kind or are you interested in something more?

 

I would say see how they behave around others. Do they seem confident, outgoing? Is it just around you they clam up? If you go near them are they trying to get away or do they become a bit more "bumbling" shall I say? He will do everything he can to show interest but also sabotage himself so he doesn't appear too obvious. This may be a self preservation thing trying to test how you're behaving. If you don't try and speak to him, he'll think you're not interested and back off.

 

It is also possible he is a creep. Does he go around looking at other peoples sweaters, or is it just yours?

[elaine567]

Too many women IMV make excuses for guys who cannot even get the basics of social interaction right. How a man conducts himself in early dating is important. A guy she has to force out of his shell to show even slight interest, is not a good bet.

She then spends years dragging a guy about who isn't naturally friendly, who isn't interested in socialising, who doesn't want to go to new places, who will never stand up for her... she ends up essentially as a single mother, baby sitting a grown man too...

[Tailor2000]

Too many women IMV make excuses for guys who cannot even get the basics of social interaction right. How a man conducts himself in early dating is important. A guy she has to force out of his shell to show even slight interest, is not a good bet.

She then spends years dragging a guy about who isn't naturally friendly, who isn't interested in socialising, who doesn't want to go to new places, who will never stand up for her... she ends up essentially as a single mother, baby sitting a grown man too...

 

As a shy person, that's not entirely true. Some shy men may be like that. Other shy men just stay at home while the woman goes out and does the socialising by herself with no issues. While yet still other shy men like me who is naturally friendly but just has a hard time injecting myself into a conversation, loves going to New places, loves speaking to people if given the chance. We're not all the same.

[chillii]

l've known of quite a few shy guy outgoing women type relationships , even the inlaws , he says about 2 words an hour she says about 2,000.

They all seem to find their groove though, think it works out better if he's the shy one , women seem to have the patience to deal with it and fill in the gaps.

[preraph]

Too many women IMV make excuses for guys who cannot even get the basics of social interaction right. How a man conducts himself in early dating is important. A guy she has to force out of his shell to show even slight interest, is not a good bet.

She then spends years dragging a guy about who isn't naturally friendly, who isn't interested in socialising, who doesn't want to go to new places, who will never stand up for her... she ends up essentially as a single mother, baby sitting a grown man too...

 

I've seen living proof of this up close. Do not marry or have kids with a person you have to prod into everything on a daily living basis. They won't help out or take initiative and you can't trust them with the kids alone. I've seen this play out up close. Like she said, it's same as a single mother except there's one more person in the house that must be pacified and treated with kid gloves.

 

No, not all shy are alike, but if a person is so shy they can't initiate things with the opposite sex, they need to work on themselves before they're fit to be dating anyway, and the one who pulls them into a relationship will live to regret it.

 

I'll tell you what is perhaps the worst thing about people who have a social disorder, and that is that they haven't had many interactions with others or an exchange of ideas and are more solitary, so they sometimes have very narrow views and can't be budged on them either. I know one who has completely crazy world view and he just reads stuff he can find to back up and validate how he is, which is afraid of the world and asocial. Yet he thinks he knows better than people who are actually out and about in the world doing things and talking to people. They can be very set in their ways and impossible to deal with.

 

Or they can be the opposite of that and be like a blank slate who takes on the opinions of the only people they have to be around. Like the example I'm thinking of was this guy I made the mistake of trying to pull out of his shell. He worked and his influence was his female boss, so whatever she liked, he liked, but he didn't much have a mind of his own. And since he had few interactions, he wasn't well rounded at all and his views had no substance as they were just imitation.

 

Not saying all shy people are evil by any means, and I don't confuse shy with introverted. I have been pretty introverted myself at stages in my life, and I find many introverts well read and interesting to talk to. But someone with no social skills that we generously call "shy," well, honestly, that term should be left behind after they are out of their formative stages and out of high school because if they're still shy much after that, it's more than a developmental stage and needs to be dealt with as anxiety. You'll do yourself no favors by trying to drag someone with social anxiety out into the light. It doesn't make them bloom or anything. They just become an dead weight.

Edited April 20, 2019 by preraph

[Tailor2000]

Do not confuse social anxiety with being an inept selfish human being. They are two totally different concepts.

 

Me and Chili have both given examples, yet preraph, you choose not to accept that and stick with your own experiences. Who here is the closed off person?

 

Even as a socially anxious person, I've seen and experienced enough of humanity to know that everyone is different and in a relationship it's about working out what your needs and requirements are and will they be satisfied in the shy guy.

 

A lot of the idiots I see are the ones who don't have social anxiety but are still so far up their posterior thinking that they are God's gift, which I guess is kind of like narcissism.

 

Sure you have described two types, either the one who is stuck in his ways, or the other who never thinks through his ways and accepts the ways of other people blindly. I would say both are in an extreme state of emotional childhood.

 

Everyone's behaviour is built up from a mish mash of people you come into contact with, usually people you admire in way way or another as you amalgamate their thought processes.

 

My own personality means I want to learn about people, I want to get to know about people. I read books, I study, I learn. I want to serve and help. Sure I might not know the best thing at the time but Im happy to be pointed in the right direction. I don't know everything, but I have the principle, I know how I want to be treated, so I'll treat people the same. Growing up, I listen to peoples arguments, take every opportunity to join people for a meal, a drink, an adventure. Everything is an experience. I get to learn more about me, what makes me tick, what I enjoy.

 

Sorry you've had two rotten experiences. But I think you've painted the picture of a spectrum. Don't judge them all by the same cover.