Pregnant.

[pepperbird]

My understanding of the genetic testing issue is that people frequently find out that either their father is not their bio father (product of an affair) or their mother and father are not the bio parents (adopted but never told, or possibly a very rare hospital mistake).

 

I have read that on the order of 5% of children are actually not the father's bio children. (People are lovely.) Not sure how accurate that figure is.

 

Under the current tech's I believe OPs child, if deceived, would not have a surprise - if the father is some random male via sperm donation and the genetic test produces some random male (to the child) - the AP.

 

I don't believe that tracking a parent down is common via genetic testing, it's more standard detective work.

 

 

FWIW, I had mine done. Using this information, the geneticist who helped me was able to put together a family tree for me with all my relatives going back to the 1700's. It was all built using information that is publicly available ( e.g.- cemetery records, obituaries, birth announcements and DNA). Keep in mind that this is all for someone I have never really met and didn't even have the correct name for at first.

 

OP, it's better to be honest right from the start. That doesn't have to mean the word "affair" gets thrown in the mix. Just a simple " I knew I wanted a little boy/girl to love" often suffices when a child is young. As they get older, the truth will need to come out. I say "need" because , based on what I have seen in online support forums for adoptees and NPEs, finding the truth out as an adult is so much worse than finding out when they were young.

It's also going to be easier coming from you than a half brother or sister or other relatives who comes knocking on your door one day wanting to meet the relative they never knew.

[aliveagain]

He told me his wife doesn't want kids. That may be another reason he agreed to this (part of the backup plan). But it doesn't override his desire to protect his current life

 

This is my warning to you of an ominous future event, prepare yourself, seek out professional help on how to tell your child the truth. What you tell her/him will influence their boundaries and life path, your their template of what a successful relationship should be. Don't just let it play out on it's own when the inevitable happens, use these years wisely.

 

Please take off the rose colored glasses and take a really hard look at the relationship you had with this newly married man. Take a look at the true depth of the treachery he committed against his wife. Married only a few months and he starts to sleep with you. What a snow job he did on both of you. Imagine what her world will look like when she finds out he not only had a long term affair that started so early in their marriage but he also has a child with someone knowing that she didn't want children. What a treacherous, deceitful man, what a legacy for your child and the future man in your life. You can't control your child's future actions if your child decides to contact their biological father. Imagine how you would feel if you were his wife. There is nothing romantic about the treason you helped him commit against her. You need to get help to find out why you allowed things to get to where they are now when you found out the truth. You need to reestablish and honor the boundaries that took you a lifetime to create.

[noelle303]

To be honest in your shoes, I wouldn't tell my child the truth in fact I'd move away and block every means of contact with the MM and tell my child something else.

 

I wouldn't want them to know they were the product of an affair.

 

And you would risk ruining the relationship with your child if one they they find out that you lied to them.

 

Honestly, I can't understand why parents think they can just take away their children's right to know their own story - their own parents, where they come from and how they came to be. That can be such a vital part of who we are as people and who we grow into.

 

It's not your choice to decide what your child knows about their own history and origin.

 

I get the urge to protect them, but there are so many better ways to do that while still being honest with them.

 

I will always tell my daughter how much we both love her, how much we don't regret that she was born and that we wouldn't change her existance for the world. We made stupid, hurtful decisions that came from a selfish place, we would never repeat them and we tried every day after that to make things right for her and all people involved. Life isn't perfect and people aren't villains because they did something bad. Those are the lessons I hope to teach my daughter from this whole thing.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do not lie to this child once he/she is old enough to understand, OP. Please listen to the advice noelle is contributing here.

 

You have inhabited a bubble of lies and deception long enough. The child got zero say in this, so do right by the little one and own your choices.

 

You made this bed. Be woman enough to lie in it without pretending to yourself that more dishonesty will benefit the child.

[sandylee1]

Less and less likely with advances in DNA and companies like AncestryDNA, etc.

 

The world and his wife are not getting DNA tests.

 

I don't agree in passing a child of as someone else's... but I would just find this scenario too shameful tbh.

 

Not that I'd ever be in this situation anyway.... but I'd find it too difficult to function if I told anyone....my mental state wouldn't help my child.

 

This is not a situation where the paternal side of the family would be interested in the DC.

 

It seems cowardly, but I just couldn't handle the utter disappointment of my family if I did this. It's so against how I was raised, that I'd sooner leave the country than have to tell them I was having an affair with a MM and had his baby. I couldn't live it down, but that's because of a standard of expectations I grew up with.

 

I know a couple of children from affairs that were treated as second class citizens in my community...so I wouldn't want that for my child either.

 

I'm not sure about sperm donor regulations in the USA. In the UK a child now has the right to find their sperm donor father at 18 years old. If the regulations hadn't changed and I was in this position, I'd opt for this route.

 

I get the problem here is that this MM may well decide in years to come that he wants to know the child.... oh what a messy situation eh.

[pepperbird]

The world and his wife are not getting DNA tests.

 

I don't agree in passing a child of as someone else's... but I would just find this scenario too shameful tbh.

 

Not that I'd ever be in this situation anyway.... but I'd find it too difficult to function if I told anyone....my mental state wouldn't help my child.

 

This is not a situation where the paternal side of the family would be interested in the DC.

 

 

 

You'd be surprised.

 

When someone gets their DNA tested through a commercial site, it lists DNA matches for them, and it can actually be possible to tell how closely a match is related. For example, assume the op's child grows up and decides to have his or her DNA tested. Half of her matches would likely be on her mom's side, while the other would be on her dad's. If one reads the forums on some of the DNA sites, it's often half siblings who make first contact. When they get their matches, they would be listed as "half siblings".

 

I agree about leaving the "affair" piece out of the conversation, at least until the op's son or daughter is old enough to understand. Even then, unless they outright ask, there may well be no need to mention the affair.

 

One more thing. As tempting as it may be to paint this MM in a really negative light, he didn't get the OP pregnant all on his own. He's also the source for at least half the genes of this new little life. It's really no different than two parents who divorce. Running down one's former spouse also , in effect, runs down the child.

[stillafool]

Less and less likely with advances in DNA and companies like AncestryDNA, etc.

 

People's lives are being blown up thanks to Ancestry. All of the children who were previously hidden are now being brought to light because of these tests. I'm sure a lot of people are shaking in their boots afraid some family member is going to order the test and have their secret exposed. You can't hide what you use to people.

[BaileyB]

People's lives are being blown up thanks to Ancestry. All of the children who were previously hidden are now being brought to light because of these tests. I'm sure a lot of people are shaking in their boots afraid some family member is going to order the test and have their secret exposed. You can't hide what you use to people.

 

There was just a woman on this site. Her 18 year old son wanted a test kit because his cousins were all being tested. She decided to tell him that the man he thought was his father wasn’t his father... it was terrible.

 

The risk if you are not honest is that your child will hold it against you, forever. Lying destroys what would have otherwise been, healthy and happy relationships.

[elaine567]

If one reads the forums on some of the DNA sites, it's often half siblings who make first contact. When they get their matches, they would be listed as "half siblings".

I agree about leaving the "affair" piece out of the conversation, at least until the op's son or daughter is old enough to understand. Even then, unless they outright ask, there may well be no need to mention the affair.

 

The biological father was a MM when this child was conceived, so not difficult for any half sibling or any other close paternal relative to suss that one out.

[pepperbird]

The biological father was a MM when this child was conceived, so not difficult for any half sibling or any other close paternal relative to suss that one out.

 

 

 

 

that's the thing the op hasn't factored in. From what I can tell, a parent's permission isn't required to have a DNA test done on one of these commercial sites.

 

All that's needed is to looked for shared centimorgans of DNA, and the truth will come out. The idea that someone can keep this from their child purely for their own comfort level is , in my opinion, atrocious parenting. An individual has every right to know their background, and that supersedes any discomfort that might cause the bio parents.

 

 

The child asked for none of this. In the op's case especially, she went in eyes wide open. As the saying goes, "as you sow, so shall you reap".

[pepperbird]

one more thing...

 

for anyone who thinks a secret like this can remain buried forever...

 

Using just a DNA sample, the geneticist who helped me was able to put together a extensive family tree for me that went back many generations. I found out my biological mother's real name, etc.

 

Even with a false name and other information on my original birth certificate, she was still able to find all this out.

 

We are just at the cutting edge of this technology., It will improve over time, and secrets about paternity,etc. are gong to come out.

[stillafool]

one more thing...

 

for anyone who thinks a secret like this can remain buried forever...

 

Using just a DNA sample, the geneticist who helped me was able to put together a extensive family tree for me that went back many generations. I found out my biological mother's real name, etc.

 

Even with a false name and other information on my original birth certificate, she was still able to find all this out.

 

We are just at the cutting edge of this technology., It will improve over time, and secrets about paternity,etc. are gong to come out.

 

This is the problem. Some family member you barely know or never met could be the very one to reveal your secret and blow your world apart. This is definitely something people can no longer lie about.

[sandylee1]

I guess it all depends on how curious people are with the DNA testing. It's not something I'd ever do myself.

 

I don't need any half siblings coming out of the woodwork. As men can have kids without knowing, it would only be an affair child from my father and I wouldn't be interested.

 

My mother's children are my the only siblings.

 

In fact a friend of mine said her mum told her , the man she thought was her father was not. My friend told her mum as far as she was concerned, that was her dad and she did not want him told otherwise.

 

Her mum tried to give her details of her biological father and she said she wasn't interested. She said she didnt want to know this man who was having an affair with her married mother.

Everyone's different though.

 

Given the threat from this MM, I'd keep my distance. You used him as a sperm donor, so you might as well call him that to your child. It was a business like transaction without a cash for services exchange.

 

Noelle, your case is different and when your ex MM came forward years later, you didn't have a choice really.

 

I'm sure she benefits from having him in her life, but for me I'd be thinking of the other ppl that got hurt along the way.

 

I wouldn't want my child being a constant living reminder (to his wife and kids) of his infidelity, in which which I was a willing participant. All the love in the world doesn't change this.

 

If I was a BW... I couldn't have my husband's child from an affair in my life.

 

For the OP....a positive is he has no older kids...so even if he has some down the line...it doesn't look so bad.

[elaine567]

This man has no kids, the OP's child will be his only child at this point.

He may not be keen to have this child blow up his world at present, but I doubt he will want to deny its existence forever.

 

Once adoptive parents and step parents are dead that is often when children go looking for biological parents. They may not want to hurt those who cared for them, but they still want to know where they came from.

[bathtub-row]

The world and his wife are not getting DNA tests.

 

I don't agree in passing a child of as someone else's... but I would just find this scenario too shameful tbh.

 

Not that I'd ever be in this situation anyway.... but I'd find it too difficult to function if I told anyone....my mental state wouldn't help my child.

 

This is not a situation where the paternal side of the family would be interested in the DC.

 

It seems cowardly, but I just couldn't handle the utter disappointment of my family if I did this. It's so against how I was raised, that I'd sooner leave the country than have to tell them I was having an affair with a MM and had his baby. I couldn't live it down, but that's because of a standard of expectations I grew up with.

 

I know a couple of children from affairs that were treated as second class citizens in my community...so I wouldn't want that for my child either.

 

I'm not sure about sperm donor regulations in the USA. In the UK a child now has the right to find their sperm donor father at 18 years old. If the regulations hadn't changed and I was in this position, I'd opt for this route.

 

I get the problem here is that this MM may well decide in years to come that he wants to know the child.... oh what a messy situation eh.

 

It’s extremely messy but it doesn’t mean she has to tell everyone the real story. Frankly, it’s none of their business. For me, I rarely lie but I will lie without a moment’s hesitation when people ask me personal questions that they have no right to ask or know about. And that includes family.

 

What I do believe, though, is that this mom has no right to lie to her child. At some point, she needs to come clean.

[stillafool]

This man has no kids, the OP's child will be his only child at this point.

He may not be keen to have this child blow up his world at present, but I doubt he will want to deny its existence forever.

 

Once adoptive parents and step parents are dead that is often when children go looking for biological parents. They may not want to hurt those who cared for them, but they still want to know where they came from.

 

My bio mom was at my stepmother's funeral (the mom who raised me) ready to pounce and has been a pain in my arse every since.

[noelle303]

 

Noelle, your case is different and when your ex MM came forward years later, you didn't have a choice really.

 

I'm sure she benefits from having him in her life, but for me I'd be thinking of the other ppl that got hurt along the way.

 

I wouldn't want my child being a constant living reminder (to his wife and kids) of his infidelity, in which which I was a willing participant. All the love in the world doesn't change this.

 

If I was a BW... I couldn't have my husband's child from an affair in my life.

 

For the OP....a positive is he has no older kids...so even if he has some down the line...it doesn't look so bad.

 

But when I was pregnant and gave birth to my daughter, it seemed very unlikely that her father will ever be in her life. We were not in any contact and didn't exacly part on the best terms.

 

I still had no plans to lie to my kid, she always deserved to know who her father is. I never planned on taking that away from her.

 

I would also understant 100 percent if his wife wanted nothing to do with my daughter because it was too painful, I never pushed her into their home. She decided on her own that she was willing to deal with it and it's been 2 years now and she has never treated my daughter with anything but love, respect and kindness. I am extremely thankful for that.

 

I care about the fact that people got hurt along the way, of course I do. But my daughter is not to blame for that. And if all the adults in this situation are willing to accept that fact and not treat her as a reminder, but a human being in her own right, who am I to take that away from her?

[BaileyB]

Noelle, your words have such maturity and wisdom... it’s very admirable.

 

I just wanted to say, your daughter is blessed to have such a strong mother. Good on you and the other adults in her life who have put her ahead of their own feelings and needs, to surround her with love and support. Again, very admirable.

[pepperbird]

This is the problem. Some family member you barely know or never met could be the very one to reveal your secret and blow your world apart. This is definitely something people can no longer lie about.

 

 

True enough. I ended up stopping building the tree because it just felt off somehow. Yes, they are my biological relatives, but I felt like I was intruding.

[pepperbird]

Noelle, your words have such maturity and wisdom... it’s very admirable.

 

I just wanted to say, your daughter is blessed to have such a strong mother. Good on you and the other adults in her life who have put her ahead of their own feelings and needs, to surround her with love and support. Again, very admirable.

 

 

I agree. It takes great strength to be able to put your own pain aside for the good of your child. Your actions will help to create a well adjusted adult who grew up knowing lots of love.

[Robert]

Seems the thread starter hasn't been around in a while, we will close this up since they aren't responding.

 

If they come back and want the thread re-opened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks all of posted advice.