Pregnant.

[noelle303]

I had a child by an MM 8 years ago (not in any way planned though).

 

You need to be prepared for any questions from your kid, you need to be prepared that your kid may want to meet their biological father and that the biological father may want to meet them one day.

 

You may lie to everyone that it's just sperm donation, but the fact is - it's not. And you can't lie to your kid that it is, that would be grossly unfair.

 

MM wanted nothing to do with my daughter when she was born, but a few years later, he came around. Wanted to be in her life. He now sees her every other weekend and she spends time with his family (wife knows and forgave him).

 

I had to be open to this, I had to swallow my own pride and do what's best for my child - to have a father in her life. I am glad she knows him and she is accepted by him. You have to be aware how much it means to a child to know where they came from and how they came to be. It's a very primal urge for every human being.

[isolatedgothic]

Coming Clean, I am so concerned for you. It is very hard to feel alone in this world, and it sounds like you do not have many family connections and very few friends, except for this man, who truly did deceive you. When someone feels as alone and detached as you do, it's easy to be pulled into a relationship such as this. My heart truly goes out to you.

 

I hope that you are getting the very best care you can for yourself and for your baby. You need to take care of YOU, so that the baby can have a happy and loving mother. I hope that you will consider finding a good counselor to help you work through the attachment issues. These issues are from the past and have helped to create the situation you are in today. Look for a counselor you can trust and be totally honest with, so that you can grow from this and nurture the inner you that has been damaged by family of origin issues.

 

I hope you can find a network of loving friends who will be there to support you emotionally. Whether it's church, work, or Meet Up groups, please continue to reach out and find support. Don't isolate yourself. There are many loving people out there who will not condemn you or further damage you with judgments and unkind messages. You are worthy of love and kindness.

 

You are not alone.

[Timshel]

Excellent post Isolatedgothic and i could not agree more.

 

 

When a child is conceived with manipulative intent, the actual parenting part shatters illusions and the child is the person to worry about, rather than the birther.

[oceanblue12]

I do hope things work out well for the OP but I am stunned at the

conscious decision on the pregnancy by both the OP and the MM.

Surely, there was a thought of them being together post divorce

or something.

[snowcones]

You probably thought that you were better than the wife, but you're going to quickly find out that you're not. And the longer you continue to think you're better than her, the longer you're going to be in this nightmare, which is not going to turn out well for you especially. You said you wanted a baby no matter what due to age, so have the baby, live your life and forget about this guy. He's a sperm donor and that's it.

 

 

I do hope things work out well for the OP but I am stunned at the

conscious decision on the pregnancy by both the OP and the MM.

Surely, there was a thought of them being together post divorce

or something.

 

 

Full-time? By her, yes. By him, no. He's just enjoying living a double life. (one that his wife does not know about). And by "scorched earth", he meant, he's going to stay with his wife (and she will stay with him too) and he'll never speak to the OW again, among other things.

I've seen affairs between MM and single OW that have gone on for 20 years. The OP could be a candidate for this if she keeps her way of thinking.

Edited April 20, 2019 by snowcones

[comingclean]

How did you manage to surmise I thought I was better than the wife? I did view the apparent distant nature of their relationship as a weakness, but clearly I'm wrong. I have no opinion of the wife so thanks for the weird judgement.

 

~~~

 

Some people can’t look past the selfish part of my intent and see that wanting to have MM’s child has the same practical outcome for the child as doing IVF next year which I cannot keep repeating was on the docket. Neither situation involves a relationship with the bio dad.

 

The key difference is I can’t allow my emotional burden to affect the child. Or to be further entangled with MM, given the potential threat.

 

I posted the whole truth to come clean so I can break my attachment to MM. Seems I should have posted it as a regular breakup story, then maybe I could actually get support for trying to move on!

[snowcones]

How did you manage to surmise I thought I was better than the wife? I did view the apparent distant nature of their relationship as a weakness, but clearly I'm wrong. I have no opinion of the wife so thanks for the weird judgement.

 

 

From reading what you wrote and the fact that you knowingly continued on in this relationship with this married man and believed what he said about wife and their relationship.

 

 

 

Some people can’t look past the selfish part of my intent and see that wanting to have MM’s child has the same practical outcome for the child as doing IVF next year which I cannot keep repeating was on the docket. Neither situation involves a relationship with the bio dad.

 

The key difference is I can’t allow my emotional burden to affect the child. Or to be further entangled with MM, given the potential threat.

 

I posted the whole truth to come clean so I can break my attachment to MM. Seems I should have posted it as a regular breakup story, then maybe I could actually get support for trying to move on!

I do see that it as the same as having IVF with a sperm donor, except that the child will have some thoughts and feelings about their father who could have accepted him but never did. Children are innocent and naive and will want to try to know their father, but their father *could* reject them (because he's married and doesn't want the drama) and that will hurt the child. I know because I am the product of an affair.

[comingclean]

From reading what you wrote and the fact that you knowingly continued on in this relationship with this married man and believed what he said about wife and their relationship.

 

 

I continued the relationship because he portrayed the relationship as distant and without physical affection. He never once spoke ill of his wife and I have no opinion of her as a person. Even though I am an OW, I don't think of this as a woman vs. woman issue. Hence I think your comment was misplaced.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I posted the whole truth to come clean so I can break my attachment to MM. Seems I should have posted it as a regular breakup story, then maybe I could actually get support for trying to move on!

 

It wasn't actually clear that you are trying to break your attachment to him. You said you FaceTime him every day.

[snowcones]

The key difference is I can’t allow my emotional burden to affect the child. Or to be further entangled with MM, given the potential threat.

 

I posted the whole truth to come clean so I can break my attachment to MM. Seems I should have posted it as a regular breakup story, then maybe I could actually get support for trying to move on!

You're probably right, you probably would have gotten more support in moving on if you posted as a regular breakup. People just don't respond well to affairs. As for the potential threat, take it seriously for yourself and the well-being of your child. I've seen plenty of murder documentaries of married folks killing their affair partner who threatened them. Not at all wishing that on you, but hoping you will not underestimate the anger people can feel from things not going their way.

[comingclean]

bailey, once the child is born, I won't be using him/her as leverage to convince the MM. He/she doesn't have "a job"

 

I'm writing this post now to help me get past the 2+ years of emotional trauma precisely so I can be in a better place when the baby arrives.

 

in a later post on the first page

[comingclean]

It wasn't actually clear that you are trying to break your attachment to him. You said you FaceTime him every day.

 

Okay fair. To clarify, the DDAY threat and counterthreat occurred very recently. Prior to that, I had been invested. The last lines of my OP about seeing him in a different light are related to wanting to break out of this attachment, and not be dragged down by resentment.

 

Thank you for your time

[snowcones]

Okay fair. To clarify, the DDAY threat and counterthreat occurred very recently. Prior to that, I had been invested. The last lines of my OP about seeing him in a different light are related to wanting to break out of this attachment, and not be dragged down by resentment.

 

Thank you for your time

 

 

Okay, let's reset.

How do you breakout of this attachment?

 

By realizing that the affair was WRONG on both your parts. Not just a little wrong or only half way or sometimes wrong only on odd days, but all the way wrong, all of the time. Once you realize and think of it that way, you will want no part of it anymore, and you will want no part of a man who conducts himself that way. You have to learn to forgive yourself too for making a mistake and see the brightness in your future.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Okay fair. To clarify, the DDAY threat and counterthreat occurred very recently. Prior to that, I had been invested. The last lines of my OP about seeing him in a different light are related to wanting to break out of this attachment, and not be dragged down by resentment.

 

Thank you for your time

 

How long has it been since you've spoken to him? Have you broken it off now that you see the real him, or are you still with him?

[Robert]

Let's post to help not hurt, thanks

[Zona]

I told my parents I decided to be a single mother using an ex as a sperm donor. They are overjoyed.

 

Not trying to be mean, but just stating the obvious. So you lied to your parents about how the baby was conceived. How long will you be able to lie to your child before you come clean?

 

 

I wish you all the best as a mother, and I'm sure you will be a loving mother, but all the lies will come back to haunt you. It will be devastating for your child to find out his father is a married man you were having an affair with. Kids are really sensitive about such things for obvious reasons, and it's not a stable foundation to build his/her life on.

[elaine567]

everyone else: we're going to have to disagree that knowingly becoming a single mother is irresponsible and selfish. There is a selfish and irresponsible component to my actions because of the MM situation, but as I explained above, I would have opted to do in vitro fertilization clinically in the near future. The child is wanted and will be provided for.

 

IVF would not have been irresponsible and selfish, but this dreadful mess you have created for yourself, the MM, his wife, your family and most importantly your child, is both irresponsible and selfish.

 

Go home is my advice. Tell your parents and go lean on them as well as organising some therapy and get involved in pregnancy/antenatal groups so you can make new friends.

Get this man out of your life, there is no happy ending here.

He will keep you in Hell to satisfy his own selfish needs and to cover his own ass.

[Zona]

Keep in mind all the genetic testing and genealogy that is available now. It's very likely that your child will find out who his/her father is, and it will be devastating to your relationship if you've lied about it.

 

 

Again, I'm not trying to make you feel even worse about a tough situation, but you need to think about the best way to move forward in all this... honesty. Everyone makes mistakes or questionable decisions, but trying to cover it up will likely make things worse.

[comingclean]

It ended off with a mutually angry 'let's just leave it all in the past' kind of tone. Today is Day 2 NC.

 

~~

 

I told my parents I'm having a baby with an ex, who doesn't want to take responsibility for the child. Though I wrote sperm donor, I did not tell my parents it was IVF. The part I did not tell them is that the ex is a MM.

 

I'm not trying to be dense but based on the concerns of damaging the child in the future, what is the practical benefit to the child of telling them it was an affair vs. it was an ex that did not work vs. IVF out other than the the moral truth?

 

Including: I'm not understanding how genealogical testing can reveal the father as an affair vs. an IVF?

Edited April 20, 2019 by comingclean

[snowcones]

I think you can say it was an ex who didn't want to take responsibility for the child but the child may have more questions like, "what's his name?" and "why did you break up?". Sometimes kids naively believe that they can have an effect on their father if they just meet him and talk to him. I know several people who have done this. Some succeeded, some failed, but they tried. You need to be prepared for that and the "secrets" to potentially come out and how your child will react.

[oceanblue12]

I have posed the question and still not seen an answer (sorry if I missed it).

What was the MINDSET when both YOU and your MM agreed on trying to get pregnant? Was he planning on divorcing and all of you being a family?

[noelle303]

It ended off with a mutually angry 'let's just leave it all in the past' kind of tone. Today is Day 2 NC.

 

~~

 

I told my parents I'm having a baby with an ex, who doesn't want to take responsibility for the child. Though I wrote sperm donor, I did not tell my parents it was IVF. The part I did not tell them is that the ex is a MM.

 

I'm not trying to be dense but based on the concerns of damaging the child in the future, what is the practical benefit to the child of telling them it was an affair vs. it was an ex that did not work vs. IVF out other than the the moral truth?

 

Including: I'm not understanding how genealogical testing can reveal the father as an affair vs. an IVF?

 

The benefit is an honest and open relationship with your child. Only an honest relationship can be considered a healthy relationship.

 

I believe every person deserves to know the truth of how they came to be and who their parents are.

 

You can tell your child it's an ex that didn't work. What if your child wants to know the name of their father? What if once they're 18 they want to seek him out? Don0t do this, don't lie. Your child will resent you.

 

The truth is sometimes unpleasant but it's necessary.

 

My daughter is 8 so she doesn't really comprehend the whole story about how she came to be, but she somewhat understants it. As she grows up I hope to talk to her about this more and really get into my side of the story and my reasoning. I hope my story is a learning experience for her and she can benefit from hearing about it.

 

I could never imagine lying to her about something that is part of her own life story.

[comingclean]

I have posed the question and still not seen an answer (sorry if I missed it).

What was the MINDSET when both YOU and your MM agreed on trying to get pregnant? Was he planning on divorcing and all of you being a family?

 

Me:

1. I knew I wanted a child in the near future due to my age and financial security.

2. I chose him as the father vs. IVF because I did harbor a wish we could be a family one day and to spare myself the technical procedure. I know this was not a good choice.

 

Him:

1. He wanted to help me with having a child knowing that I wanted one regardless, and the clock was ticking.

2. I do believe he wanted to assuage his guilt about keeping me as an OW for 2 years.

3. He might have considered this Plan B in case they do get divorced. But he really never stated the intention to divorce.

[Amethyst68]

I asked but about the legal aspects but didn't get an answer.

 

 

It's the MM going to sign the birth certificate?

It's he going to sign array his paternal rights?

 

What if he tells his wife or she finds out and she decides they should be involved in the child's life?

[comingclean]

I asked but about the legal aspects but didn't get an answer.

 

 

It's the MM going to sign the birth certificate?

It's he going to sign array his paternal rights?

 

What if he tells his wife or she finds out and she decides they should be involved in the child's life?

 

My bad, there were too many posts.

 

I am not planning to have him present at birth or to sign the certificate. As far as I know, he doesn't want legal recognition of the paternity or to actively pursue his paternal rights so I don't foresee action on my part. We had the conversation where he'd be considered a sperm donor without going through the clinic.

 

Edit: he will not tell his wife at all costs from what I gather. If they wanted to co-parent I would welcome it because a larger family for the child would be best. That's why in my OP I had even alluded to wanting him to tell his wife so we could all come to an arrangement.