Desperately fighting the urge to reply

[jackofmany]

So my girlfriend and I broke up. It was brewing for months. She finally mustered up the courage to do it, in a letter.

 

She said she couldn't do it face to face because she was afraid if she looked me in the eyes she wouldn't be able to make the decision she needed to make.

 

She told me she loved me, that she had to listen to her head over her heart, that kind of stuff.

 

She is a LOT younger than me. She said she was in the midst of learning so too many new things and she could not be in relationship right now. She was clear. She was ending it.

 

She said she loved me and signed off.

 

A few days later I texted her back and acknowledged the letter. I told her this was not going to be one of those breakups that was going to be scarred by anger, and I signed off.

 

She texted back a little angry and hurt and worried that I was going to be with this one particular woman. She said she wished it could have been her. It surprised me. She closed with "Bye Jack." It was because of a stupid joke I had made and I did text her back saying I was sorry for making it. I was sincere about, but left it there.

 

A few more days went by and then she sent this:

 

"I have been feeling very reflective myself lately. I hope you are well. It may not be appropriate to say, but I miss you. Life is a stupid tricky thing. That's my motto lately."

 

I am tearing my hair out trying not to respond. I want so much to tell her I miss her too. In the hopes of what? In the hope that she comes back, no doubt.

 

There is also some part of me that just doesn't want to seem cold, that wants to say, "i miss you too. But I also need to focus on myself now. Please don't take silence for bitterness. I wish you well too. I love you. How could I not?"

 

How stupid is that?

 

Oof. I miss her so much. We were not working. That was clear. Even though now I find myself thinking maybe it could have if I'd just tried harder. But I miss her so much.

Edited April 20, 2019 by jackofmany

[Marc878]

If you want to keep yourself in this go ahead no ones stopping you but I think you both know it's not the right fit.

 

Not all relationships are.

 

Dating is a tryout but most just can't let go so in essence keep themselves bound.

 

The thing is if you waste time on this you have less time to find the right one

[snowcones]

I am tearing my hair out trying not to respond. I want so much to tell her I miss her too. In the hopes of what? In the hope that she comes back, no doubt.

 

There is also some part of me that just doesn't want to seem cold, that wants to say, "i miss you too. But I also need to focus on myself now. Please don't take silence for bitterness. I wish you well too. I love you. How could I not?"

 

How stupid is that?

 

 

 

I'm in the same boat. My very sweet and genuine, but all wrong for me Ex texted me that he loved me every single day (sometimes more than once a day) for 21 days straight after we broke up. Do you know how hard it was not to respond back just to acknowledge it and let him know that I loved him too but we are not right for each other? It was so hard, but I knew that if I responded that it would only open things back up again. I even posted about it here. The best word of advice I got in regards to responding to him was, "Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan. It’s less humiliating. Less painful. And less recovery time."

[jackofmany]

I'm in the same boat. My very sweet and genuine, but all wrong for me Ex texted me that he loved me every single day (sometimes more than once a day) for 21 days straight after we broke up. Do you know how hard it was not to respond back just to acknowledge it and let him know that I loved him too but we are not right for each other? It was so hard, but I knew that if I responded that it would only open things back up again. I even posted about it here. The best word of advice I got in regards to responding to him was, "Smack yourself in the face with a frying pan. It’s less humiliating. Less painful. And less recovery time."

 

Who broke up with who?

 

I think it is pretty common for the dumpee (me) to give in to that kind of urge. In all likelihood, her text was just kind of testing the waters. I'm sure she does miss me, and just wanted to see if we could still have a connection.

 

That's why I debated sending that last version of the text, where I acknowledged hers and asked for no further contact. But where would that get me really? Best case scenario she takes it for what it is, feels a little better knowing I miss her, and then just doesn't get back in touch.

 

What will I have gained?

[snowcones]

Who broke up with who?

 

I think it is pretty common for the dumpee (me) to give in to that kind of urge. In all likelihood, her text was just kind of testing the waters. I'm sure she does miss me, and just wanted to see if we could still have a connection.

 

That's why I debated sending that last version of the text, where I acknowledged hers and asked for no further contact. But where would that get me really? Best case scenario she takes it for what it is, feels a little better knowing I miss her, and then just doesn't get back in touch.

 

What will I have gained?

 

 

I broke up with him, and yes, you're right it is common for the dumpee to give into that urge. You can take the route you described above but you're right, you will have gained nothing. Unless you want to get back with her. Because she might beg or plead, instead of leaving you alone. It's a possibility that you need to consider if you can handle and be strong through that.

[jackofmany]

I broke up with him, and yes, you're right it is common for the dumpee to give into that urge. You can take the route you described above but you're right, you will have gained nothing. Unless you want to get back with her. Because she might beg or plead, instead of leaving you alone. It's a possibility that you need to consider if you can handle and be strong through that.

 

I don't think she'd beg or plead. She broke up with me, so its kind of the other way around. I think she is just trying to see if we can still have some kind of connection, or maybe feel a little better about her decision.

 

I'm not thinking straight. I guess that's why I'm writing here, so I don't write her.

 

It feels like I want to get back with her. There's no way I could handle her suggesting it. I'd end up taking her back, and then this would probably happen again but worse.

[snowcones]

I don't think she'd beg or plead. She broke up with me, so its kind of the other way around. I think she is just trying to see if we can still have some kind of connection, or maybe feel a little better about her decision.

 

I'm not thinking straight. I guess that's why I'm writing here, so I don't write her.

 

It feels like I want to get back with her. There's no way I could handle her suggesting it. I'd end up taking her back, and then this would probably happen again but worse.

 

 

You poor thing. Okay, then maybe it's best that you don't respond to her at all. It's not your job to soothe her emotions, especially if she broke up with you, she's got friends for that, and she's just going to have to get over missing you without you, just like you have to get over missing her. It's just a part of the process of grieving after breakup. It's not your job to help with that and you would be the wrong person to help her with that.

[jackofmany]

Thanks Snowcones.

 

This all helps.

[Morello]

Why would you validate the feelings of a woman who just broke up with you? Tell her you miss her and she's great, so she can very quickly move on from you?

 

I wouldn't reply, or if I did, I'd say something like "Leave me alone". It's a break up, you don't need to be the good guy there. I learned this the hard way.

[jackofmany]

Why would you validate the feelings of a woman who just broke up with you? Tell her you miss her and she's great, so she can very quickly move on from you?

 

I wouldn't reply, or if I did, I'd say something like "Leave me alone". It's a break up, you don't need to be the good guy there. I learned this the hard way.

 

Thanks man. I'm not gonna do it. I had to fight it off, but I'm not gonna do it.

 

I've sent her precisely two texts since I got her letter. The first just to acknowledge I got it (probably unnecessary), and a second to apologize for making a stupid joke the night before we broke up (also probably unnecessary), but in neither case did I return her sentiment of "I love you," from her letter, nor "I miss you" from her texts.

 

I have said neither of those things. The rest is silence.

Edited April 21, 2019 by jackofmany

[jackofmany]

So just wondering . . .

 

I don't *think* this constitutes breaking no contact, but I could use some reassurance.

 

Several months ago, when we were together, she had an art show and I invited some friends to attend. Without going too deep into it, she is an aspiring artist but still has quite a way to go.

 

One of my better off friends paid her a fair amount of money for a painting. It was the only one she sold. When the show came down, I figured she'd get it to him, but she never did. He told her to bring it up to him sometime when we could both visit . . . but the timing never worked out.

 

A couple of days ago, he mentioned he was passing through the area and could he pick up the painting. I told him the situation and that I didn't have her number at the time (I didn't. I still have it. But not on my phone.)

 

Today, he brought it up again, and I found the number and gave it to him. I mean, that painting is his, and as much as I wish she would have remembered her commitments and taken care of it herself she didn't.

 

I didn't alert her to this, just passed the number along and asked him to only speak well of me if he had to speak of me at all.

 

That's it.

 

I don't see how I could have just told him no. This all still stinks and hurts, but I am holding steady otherwise.

[Cersei]

Good job!

You did the right thing passing along the number.

[Highndry]

You have given her more respect than she even deserves by acknowledging her "Dear John" letter, going well above and beyond by apologizing for a comment in the past. I would ignore this coward until the end of time.

[shrimpgogo]

She "stabbed you in the heart" and now she is "shocked" to see you

"bleed to death". But hey, at least she is willing to help you.. with

some bandaids.

 

I don't know the background of your relationship and what you did to

turn her off... But she should spare you the crocodile tears, it's the

usual effort women make to make it sounds as if they still have some

feelings for you and trying hard to prove it... But when a woman loses

interest in you, it happens over time, gradually, and when she lets you

know, but that time she has nothing left there for you. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

 

You said it yourself, it was "brewing for months". Sounds like there is

no turning back. And for me, the worst feeling I can get from a woman,

is if they feel "sorry" for me. And the longer you stay chatting with her,

the more of that you will be getting.

 

Hopefully you have learned something from her, that will help you in

your next relationship. And be thankful for that. For now, hold your

head up high, maintain your dignity, never text her again, and move

on my friend... I've been through that and I 've noticed that time will

be on your side.

[Twizzlestick]

Hi OP Jack

 

My gut instinct tells me she’s young and not very emotionally mature. She wants to end it but has done it too early for herself, hence the very early snap back.

 

Stay away, if you respond, even to acknowledge letters, it’ll keep her assured. She’ll go into a push/pull cold thing - as you’ve seen. And that’s all they are - prods. To see if the carcass of the rele is still alive in your eyes for her to feel secure you’re there as a back up.

 

I don’t think you’ve heard the last from her. So be prepped to stay strong. You’ve explained yourself now so no more to be said.

 

I wouldn’t be surprised if you go proper NC for months, this is one of those cases that completely flips the script and she ends up chasing you. She’s not emotionally mature and already is showing signs she can’t hack the break unless she has you in her pocket. You have to be really careful if that happens because you could likely get suckered back in then dropped cold.

[jackofmany]

I hear you, man, and thank you so much. This stuff helps so much.

 

I'm writing here because it is STILL so hard not to reach out to her. It seems to be getting more difficult, not less.

 

I keep going back over the details of the breakup for one thing, and then I start to get angry. I mean . . . a letter? We live in the same town. I kind of feel like I was owed the dignity of a final conversation.

 

Part of that is because we both knew we were heading this direction, and just a week before her letter had a civil conversation about taking a 'break.' It became apparent to me almost immediately that this was really the beginning of a break up. I didn't like it. But we were doing it together.

 

Then I get this one-sided letter. I feel robbed of my chance to have said my piece.

 

There's that.

 

And then there is this new thing, at least I think it is new, where I find myself going over ALL of the details of our relationship, and finding it very difficult to remember why I knew why had to break up. I remember the things she would say, things about wanting to live together and start thinking about a family and etc . . . and I remember the things I would say about how I thought we needed to prove we were better at communicating, especially when things were difficult, before we should move in.

 

Now I find myself pulling my hair out and thinking "If only . . ."

 

I try to remind myself that I often felt like we were not going to make it, but its difficult right now not to look back and just miss her.

 

Lastly, I find myself torturing myself about not having responded to her final, "I miss you" text. I know it was not enough, but I feel like my not responding was the closing of the door.

 

I probably would have done all the usual stuff had I replied, or had we made plans to get together. Promised her things would be different, etc . . .

 

The main thing that has helped me not do any of that was actually something that was in her letter. I might have mentioned this, but she claimed she had to do it in a letter because she was afraid if she looked me in the eyes she would not be able to make the decision she NEEDED to make.

 

She said she would be being dishonest with herself if that was the case.

 

Those sentiments have kept me from making any appeal. Because those are not things I can change. I think I mentioned she is much younger than me too. That is also not something I can change.

 

It was never my intention to date anyone that young. I ruled her out the moment I met her. But she was so incredibly persistent, and so STUNNINGLY attractive, I finally gave in.

 

I think this may have been a mistake. I put up with more peevishness than I normally would have, and overlooked some personality traits that were concerning to me, simply because of how she looked.

 

I remember looking at her on occasion, when we were in a fight or something, and asking myself, "Would you put up with this if she did not look like that?" And I recall me answering myself, "No."

 

For the life of me I can't bring myself to remember what personality traits I was thinking of right now.

 

So, yeah . . . a bunch of foolishness, but I miss her still.

 

At this point its pretty silly of me to imagine she has not moved on. She implied as much when we were breaking up and it has now been a month. Getting in contact would probably be like sticking a knife in my heart.

 

And yet, I have these fantasies and these flashes of regret.

 

Shouldn't this be getting easier?

Edited May 7, 2019 by jackofmany

[jackofmany]

Seriously, what does one do with the anger?

[Marc878]

Join a gym, walk, run, etc.

 

You can't do 2 things at once so keep occupied

[snowcones]

Just remember that this is too much drama. Great relationships are not supposed to be like this, so it's for the best.

[jackofmany]

I get what you all are saying, but, for the love of God, when will it start to get easier?

 

Intellectually, I know I am doing the right thing, but it seems like every minute another unwanted thought intrudes and I am overwhelmed by the urge to reach out.

 

Today it is going like this:

 

She is probably seeing someone. She probably had him lined up for at least a little while before making the break.

 

I don't know this because I didn't ask. I just got a feeling and kind of chose the ignorance is bliss route (though no one would mistake this for bliss, what I'm going through).

 

So suddenly I feel like I should reach out to find out if I'm right, and my half-wit brain offers the rationalization that if I did that I would get "closure."

 

But would I?

 

I mean, I will find out one way or another soon enough. I can't keep avoiding places we used to hang out, the town is too small.

 

One way or another, some time or another, I'm going to get that dagger to the heart.

 

Why do I suddenly think I have something to gain by asking for it?

 

It's all a mask of course. There's a part of me that still just will not accept that she is gone, that thinks there is something I can do, and that I am not doing, to get her to see we should be together.

 

Like I said, intellectually I can see around all of this.

 

But my heart keeps playing games with me, broken as it is.

[Marc878]

Breaking nc just sets you back to where you were.

 

If she had someone else on the side she'd never tell you anyway.

 

The only thing that'll get you through this is time and distance

[jackofmany]

Breaking nc just sets you back to where you were.

 

If she had someone else on the side she'd never tell you anyway.

 

The only thing that'll get you through this is time and distance

 

Yeah, man. I hear you.

 

Feels like I am still right where I was. My mind is playing tricks on me.

[Highndry]

You are fighting your ego right now. All of us men go through that if it wasn't our decision or wish to break up. If it was, then we don't care.

 

Think about it this way: If you were to contact her and she said "yes, I had a guy lined up and started having sex with him right before I broke up with you," would you feel better? Heck to the no. Your ego would really take a hit then, and your anger would ratchet up exponentially. What then? Would you explode in a verbal rage on her? Seek retribution? Seriously. There's just no good outcome.

 

And think about it from a woman's point of view. Do you think she'd want to share with you something that she knew could possibly enrage you? Heck no. Like the old saying goes when it comes to dating: Men are scared of rejection, women are scared of being murdered. Most women are going to be careful to not wake a possible sleeping giant. Not saying you or I or most men fit that model, but some guys literally go nuts.

 

As much as you think you want to know what she was doing, it's best to just move on.

[jackofmany]

You are fighting your ego right now. All of us men go through that if it wasn't our decision or wish to break up. If it was, then we don't care.

.

 

Yeah man . . . everything you are saying makes sense.

 

But here's what I don't get. I was seriously thinking of ending it too. I was worried about hurting HER.

 

It seemed to me like this should have all come as a big relief, that she felt the same way.

 

I can't know for sure, but I swear it seems like part of it was that freaking letter.

 

It's like she found the one way to make sure I was the one who was going to feel it.

 

We seemed to be in the middle of a conversation that might have ended up in a mutual parting of ways, not that I wouldn't have still missed her or been hurt, but it seemed like that's what we were doing.

 

Then I got the letter. And I suppose you are right. That letter dragged my ego out onto the carpet and stuck a knife in it.

 

In a way, I get it.

 

She took control of the situation by doing that, by writing the words, "I know I need to end our relationship."

 

She claimed agency that way.

 

But man . . . I would never have done it that way. And having her flip out on me a few days later because she thought I might hook up with this other girl just makes me furious.

 

So does the little part about, "I wish it could have been me."

 

She said she wanted to sign off gracefully, but I swear, if she wanted to design a better way to mess with my head and send me into this god forsaken spiral of doubt, she really couldn't have done better.

[Marc878]

IMO a letter is always the cowardly way out.

 

I doubt you lost much