Desperately fighting the urge to reply

[snowcones]

I'm struggling too lately and it's your thread that is messing with MY head. LOL The things that you are saying in this thread are making me think about my ex and how things ended.

 

I will not waiver though.

 

At the end of the day, it was the right thing to do - to end things and it would be pointless to contact him again, just to go over the ending.

 

When I am having moments like this, I have to remember that it's mostly coming from a place of loneliness. If I had someone else, I wouldn't even be thinking about him. But I'm done with dating, so only time will heal this wound and I just have to let that happen.

[TheFinalWord]

Oof. I miss her so much. We were not working. That was clear. Even though now I find myself thinking maybe it could have if I'd just tried harder. But I miss her so much.

 

You've probably heard the saying, "if you love someone let them go. If they come back, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

 

Another reason no contact is the best approach. If there is any chance for reconciliation, you have to set her 100% free to clear her mind and still her spirit. If she does grow and genuinely reflects on that growth, her love for you will grow and she'll come back. If not, and often times reconciliation never happens, NC allows you to heal, reset, and get back out there. In most cases where a dumpee contacted me later to ask for a second chance, I did not want them back. Even though at the time of the break-up I felt like I would give my right arm for another chance, I grew over the time apart, while the dumper stayed stagnant. It was too much of a mismatch at that point. It's almost like the woman knew that I could do better and was setting me free to improve and outgrow her. Stay strong brother.

[jackofmany]

I'm struggling too lately and it's your thread that is messing with MY head. LOL The things that you are saying in this thread are making me think about my ex and how things ended.

 

I will not waiver though.

 

At the end of the day, it was the right thing to do - to end things and it would be pointless to contact him again, just to go over the ending.

 

When I am having moments like this, I have to remember that it's mostly coming from a place of loneliness. If I had someone else, I wouldn't even be thinking about him. But I'm done with dating, so only time will heal this wound and I just have to let that happen.

 

Snowcones,

 

You and I seem to be on opposite sides of the same sort of dynamic. I'm curious to know your perspective.

 

You say you are struggling lately. What is it that you are struggling with, and how is this thread messing with you?

 

I ask only because it can be hard on this side of the fence to understand the idea that someone who broke up with you would be struggling with that decision. It seems to me that what you would be feeling is relief.

 

That's not to trivialize your feelings. It's to try to understand them better.

 

My ex has not contacted me at all since that last, "I miss you" text however many weeks ago, and I don't expect her to.

 

I'm fairly sure she takes my silence as a sign of me not caring that she left. If I'd have thought it would have done anything to change her mind I would have made a stab at convincing her we could work it out.

 

BUT ... She left no doubt in her letter, AND she had a week of us being on a 'break' to think and re-think what she had to say. She meant it.

 

I felt then, and feel now, that trying to convince her otherwise would only be me being pathetic and disrespectful to myself.

 

I can tell you this though. As mad as I get by how it ended, and as mad as I get at her for how she ended it, and even though I have my moments where I agree with just about everyone in this thread and think I am probably better off in the long run without her, at the bottom of my heart, I kind of understand her.

 

She has an obligation to her own happiness. I cannot begrudge her that. If you and your ex really cared about each other, and he is a good man, no matter how it ended, there will be a part of him that understands you, or that is working to understand you.

 

You are doing the right thing by not contacting him. The ONLY reason for a dumper to contact their ex -- unless it is super obvious that they have moved on and are happy (and even then it is tricky business) -- is if you would like to reconcile.

 

For example, if my ex were to contact me and say anything other than, "I made a huge mistake. Can we get together and talk?" Or something along those lines, it would be messing with my head.

 

That's why I'm still upset about the "I miss you" text. I get that it was what she was really feeling, and that she probably could have used a little validation that I did in fact miss her, as she was worried I wouldn't.

 

But still, all it did was plant the seed in my head that maybe there was a chance. Like I said in the title of this thread, the willpower it took not to reply and do the typical thing of saying I could change, or we could work things out or whatever, was astronomical. It still is.

 

My struggle is to accept the reality that she is gone, to really let it sink in. It's a LOT easier said than done. Today I missed her so much it felt like someone was punching me in the stomach from the moment I woke up until right now. All I wanted to do was reach out to her, or have her reach out to me.

 

But I will not waiver either.

 

Some days it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress at all, as I think a few people have implied. I can't think of one single person in my life who thinks it would be a good idea to reach out to her, or who thinks I lost the love of my life.

 

The sentiment I get from almost everyone (actually, everyone) is "You dodged a bullet."

 

But as I also said, a lot of circumstantial evidence points to the idea that she had someone to move on to immediately, even if only as a distraction.

 

I think you are being braver by not dating. That's not easy.

 

But I am curious, when you say you are struggling, what do you mean?

[snowcones]

Snowcones,

 

You and I seem to be on opposite sides of the same sort of dynamic. I'm curious to know your perspective.

 

You say you are struggling lately. What is it that you are struggling with, and how is this thread messing with you?

 

I ask only because it can be hard on this side of the fence to understand the idea that someone who broke up with you would be struggling with that decision. It seems to me that what you would be feeling is relief.

 

That's not to trivialize your feelings. It's to try to understand them better.

 

My ex has not contacted me at all since that last, "I miss you" text however many weeks ago, and I don't expect her to.

 

I'm fairly sure she takes my silence as a sign of me not caring that she left. If I'd have thought it would have done anything to change her mind I would have made a stab at convincing her we could work it out.

 

BUT ... She left no doubt in her letter, AND she had a week of us being on a 'break' to think and re-think what she had to say. She meant it.

 

I felt then, and feel now, that trying to convince her otherwise would only be me being pathetic and disrespectful to myself.

 

I can tell you this though. As mad as I get by how it ended, and as mad as I get at her for how she ended it, and even though I have my moments where I agree with just about everyone in this thread and think I am probably better off in the long run without her, at the bottom of my heart, I kind of understand her.

 

She has an obligation to her own happiness. I cannot begrudge her that. If you and your ex really cared about each other, and he is a good man, no matter how it ended, there will be a part of him that understands you, or that is working to understand you.

 

You are doing the right thing by not contacting him. The ONLY reason for a dumper to contact their ex -- unless it is super obvious that they have moved on and are happy (and even then it is tricky business) -- is if you would like to reconcile.

 

For example, if my ex were to contact me and say anything other than, "I made a huge mistake. Can we get together and talk?" Or something along those lines, it would be messing with my head.

 

That's why I'm still upset about the "I miss you" text. I get that it was what she was really feeling, and that she probably could have used a little validation that I did in fact miss her, as she was worried I wouldn't.

 

But still, all it did was plant the seed in my head that maybe there was a chance. Like I said in the title of this thread, the willpower it took not to reply and do the typical thing of saying I could change, or we could work things out or whatever, was astronomical. It still is.

 

My struggle is to accept the reality that she is gone, to really let it sink in. It's a LOT easier said than done. Today I missed her so much it felt like someone was punching me in the stomach from the moment I woke up until right now. All I wanted to do was reach out to her, or have her reach out to me.

 

But I will not waiver either.

 

Some days it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress at all, as I think a few people have implied. I can't think of one single person in my life who thinks it would be a good idea to reach out to her, or who thinks I lost the love of my life.

 

The sentiment I get from almost everyone (actually, everyone) is "You dodged a bullet."

 

But as I also said, a lot of circumstantial evidence points to the idea that she had someone to move on to immediately, even if only as a distraction.

 

I think you are being braver by not dating. That's not easy.

 

But I am curious, when you say you are struggling, what do you mean?

 

 

Okay jacko. Sorry it's taken me so long to see and respond to this message. I know every day that passes is a struggle.

 

 

I think that you and I are sharing in our struggle of missing our ex, struggling with understanding them fully, and struggling with not reaching out to them. That is why I relate to you and what you say. I know the feeling of wanting to but having to hold back because of better judgement. It's like the heart wants to but the head says no. One moment you are thinking about all the good things and you hurt not being able to experience them, so you want to just reach out and have those things back in your life so you can feel them again, but you have to talk yourself through those moments and refocus on what was wrong. I'm talking about myself here, but I think you feel this too. And maybe your ex does too, I can't speak for her. I don't know your dynamic or your history.

 

 

I have been the dumpee before and it's absolutely appalling to hear dumpers say that they feel hurt. I do think dumpees feel it worse, especially if they really didn't want the breakup. Still, as the dumper, I miss him, and not because I want validation. I truly have weak moments where I just want to go back to how it was, but then I remember that I'm only thinking about the good parts. I don't want the bad parts back in my life, which was why I broke up with him. Nothing has changed.

 

 

It really meant a lot to me to read what you wrote about how if he cared about me, he is working to try to understand me. This is something I always doubted about him (based on his past with other women). I will never know if he's really doing what you said, but I sure hope he is. In truth, I hope he comes back to me, but I hope he comes back a better person. I explicitly told him when we broke up what I needed from him. He had been ignoring me, more like struggling to meet my needs, for a long long time and I just got tired of the wait. It felt pointless like I would be stuck waiting a lifetime.

 

 

So yes I do hurt. I hurt for what I lost. He was truly special in a way that I'm not sure I'll ever experience again... and that part is really hard. He had some rare great traits. Sometimes I think that I will pine for him and his great attributes for the rest of my life, and that makes me feel a knot in the pit of my stomach, but at the end of the day, I couldn't deal with his problems that came along with that. It sort of feels like tough love. Like you love this person like crazy and want to do otherwise, but the right thing to do is to be tough. I don't know if this applies to you and your ex, but it's my story.

 

 

Like you, everyone I know says I should not be with him or go back to him, including my mother. That I deserve better and that it would be a disaster to stay with him. Of course this is a terrible feeling considering that deep inside I want to go back to him sometimes. But how would I look if I did?

 

 

I've been through a couple of heartbreaks in my life. I know this will pass. It just takes me a long time to get over it and it's no fun. I'm right here with you.

[snowcones]

You've probably heard the saying, "if you love someone let them go. If they come back, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

 

Another reason no contact is the best approach. If there is any chance for reconciliation, you have to set her 100% free to clear her mind and still her spirit. If she does grow and genuinely reflects on that growth, her love for you will grow and she'll come back. If not, and often times reconciliation never happens, NC allows you to heal, reset, and get back out there. In most cases where a dumpee contacted me later to ask for a second chance, I did not want them back. Even though at the time of the break-up I felt like I would give my right arm for another chance, I grew over the time apart, while the dumper stayed stagnant. It was too much of a mismatch at that point. It's almost like the woman knew that I could do better and was setting me free to improve and outgrow her. Stay strong brother.

 

 

I have to agree with this.

[jackofmany]

It takes me a long time too.

 

I cannot believe what a rollercoaster of emotion I've been on. I know people say just put it behind you, and she's no great loss, and all of that. But that is all way easier said than done.

 

Yesterday it felt like most of the sadness had lifted, and a lot of the missing her and all of that had been replaced by rage. Anger at how she had left. Anger that she was with someone else. Anger that she had the nerve to tell me she was hurt by the idea of me with someone else. All of that . . .

 

And then, this morning, I just overwhelmingly missed her again. All of the anger lifted, and I thought I understood how hard it was for her to make the choice to leave, that I didn't really know if she was with anyone else, and that I understood her being upset by the idea of me with someone else, because the idea of her with someone else kills me.

 

And then, in the midst of all that it started sweeping over me, this idea that I had not done enough, that she was right, that I had not shown her enough dedication to a future or a family, all of that.

 

And now it feels like I am back to square one again, wanting to talk to her.

 

There's this sneaky little idea I get in that back of my head that maybe all I want to do is just see her again, just talk to her, not even try to win her back, just talk to her, because I miss her.

 

But how could that possibly go well?

 

Part of me is starting to feel like I ought to at least take a chance and show her something, as I have always been so darned cool around her.

 

BUT

 

There is a reason I was always so cool around her. This is the second time she's broken up with me. She left me for an an ex, and then came back to me after that didn't work out. Who knows? Maybe she went back to him again.

 

This time around I figured I would be more careful with my heart, so I held back a lot. Apparently not enough, because here I am again, heartbroken.

 

It doesn't help, at all, that I find her so incredibly attractive. Actually, its not just me. She is incredibly attractive. I've dated my share of women who were drop dead gorgeous, but she is on another level entirely.

 

Right now I feel like I just want to see her and talk to her, but there is no way I can see her and not want more. I'm sure of that. This, despite that fact that I KNOW she's trouble.

 

Today, I am blaming myself for everything.

 

I do think she loved me. A lot. I do think she meant what she said about wanting a future with me. And I do think the reason she left was primarily that I would not let her get comfortable with the idea that we were going to be together forever.

 

And finally, again, I think the reason I refrain from making an all out play for her is that I always figured something like this was going to have to happen sooner or later, because she is so much younger than me. In some ways, I feel like if we were closer in age we'd have just figured all of this out.

 

But I can't change that. I look at everything else, and I think I could change a lot of that, and I think she could too. But the fact that we were placed on this planet separated by generations of time. That I can do nothing about.

 

At all.

 

Ouch, man. Ouch.

[snowcones]

Yeah, I tend to ruminate and go back over things a lot too, but in time, that will get less and less. It's almost like after several months I get bored doing it and I've had nothing positive to feed me, so I have no choice but to move on. The most important thing to remember and keep at the forefront and highest part of your mind is to not reach out to them in any way (which includes social media), nor to respond if they reach out to you. No matter what other thoughts or feelings are flitting through your mind/heart that you're working through, commit to never reaching out.

 

 

I had to get 2 friends to tell me not to reach out to him yesterday (and why I shouldn't). This weekend is going to be a big test as well because I will be near his house.

Edited May 16, 2019 by snowcones

[snowcones]

jacko,

please see this thread

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/683991-how-fix-broken-heart#post7792243