Jump to content

What should you do when you've lost all hope and all faith in finding someone?

Redguitar35

By Redguitar35,
in In Search Of...

 Share Followers 0

Recommended Posts

Redguitar35

Redguitar35

Posted
Posted

Because that's where I'm at. At 32, I feel like nobody's interested in me and I've reached the end of the line. I have no dates set up, no matches on OLD and just totally on my own.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheFinalWord

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted

Go monk mode for a couple months...90 days. Reassess the situation. Reflect on what you have done in the past. What's working and what's not working. What new approach you can take to getting more dates. Get back to a state of a positive mindset.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Redguitar35

Redguitar35

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Go monk mode for a couple months...90 days. Reassess the situation. Reflect on what you have done in the past. What's working and what's not working. What new approach you can take to getting more dates. Get back to a state of a positive mindset.

 

I mean, I really don't feel like much is going to change in 90 days that hasn't in 32 years. I'm just starting to think some of us aren't meant to be in relationships and I'm one of 'em.

Link to post
Share on other sites
preraph

preraph

Posted
Posted

Do you have trouble getting dates, or keeping a girlfriend?

 

If it's keeping someone, look back and see what all of the breakups had in common. Not just the obvious stuff, but things like "Was I drinking or getting high?" When we had a falling out, were either of us impaired? What were all the conflicts about? Try to think it all out and find common threads. Like one might be they thought you were clingy or not around enough. One might be your personality changes when drinking or they thought you got impaired too much. One might be you were unemployed at the time.

 

Just write down each one and what were the circumstances why it failed and see if there's any repetition. Like when I went back and reread my journal I kept through my dating years, I noticed that I was often drunk when we broke up, drunk and probably trying to find out what they had in mind, if they were heading toward me or away. Now, not saying I had no right to ask that, but would it have gone better if I'd finessed it a bit more doing it sober? Probably. So that was one of my common links.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheFinalWord

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted
I mean, I really don't feel like much is going to change in 90 days that hasn't in 32 years. I'm just starting to think some of us aren't meant to be in relationships and I'm one of 'em.

 

The 90 days is for you to completely stop trying, to focus on yourself and becoming a better person. Really to work on becoming complete within yourself, and happy without a significant other. You need to instill a mindset that at most a partner would complement your life, not fulfill it.

 

Look at your statement: "some of us aren't meant to be in a relationship"...So there is no one that can complement your life? If you mean some of us aren't meant to get our happiness from another person. You are 100% right. If you mean that there is no one that can complement your life, then that is 100% wrong.

 

If no one can complement your life, then you need to evaluate yourself. Why not? Only you can answer that.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
basil67

basil67

Posted
Posted

I'm also wondering what your history is. Have you never had a girlfriend? Or is it that long term relationships don't work out for you?

 

What do you think is the reason it's not working?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Redguitar35

Redguitar35

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm also wondering what your history is. Have you never had a girlfriend? Or is it that long term relationships don't work out for you?

 

What do you think is the reason it's not working?

 

I've had couple of girlfriends, but they never last past a few months. At some point they just lose interest. I was with my last girlfriend for six months and then she broke up with me right around Christmas last year. She said it was nothing I did, her feelings just changed. Ever since then it's just been a ton of one night stands that lead nowhere.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Redguitar35

Redguitar35

Posted
  • Author
Posted
The 90 days is for you to completely stop trying, to focus on yourself and becoming a better person. Really to work on becoming complete within yourself, and happy without a significant other. You need to instill a mindset that at most a partner would complement your life, not fulfill it.

 

Look at your statement: "some of us aren't meant to be in a relationship"...So there is no one that can complement your life? If you mean some of us aren't meant to get our happiness from another person. You are 100% right. If you mean that there is no one that can complement your life, then that is 100% wrong.

 

If no one can complement your life, then you need to evaluate yourself. Why not? Only you can answer that.

 

I mean that there isn't someone compatible out there for me. It's just so hard to find someone where there's chemistry and mutual interest in a relationship. I'm having no luck with that at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Garcon1986

Garcon1986

Posted
Posted

Please share with us the circumstances of some rejections and breakups you’ve had?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Redguitar35

Redguitar35

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
Please share with us the circumstances of some rejections and breakups you’ve had?

 

I used to do the traditional dinner dates thing where we would meet for coffee or something, and those almost never made it past the first date. So I said, alright enough of this. I'm just going to give up this dating thing and mention in my profile I'm looking just for casual sex, and at that I was quite successful. Then last year one of those one night stands turned into an actual relationship because we discovered we liked eachother outside the bedroom, which I hadn't planned on. Then after six months of dating I just felt things had changed. Her text messages weren't as enthusiastic and she didn't seem into it anymore. She just lost interest. Ever since then it's been back to one night stands, but they aren't as fulfilling as they used to be. I hoped one of them might turn into a relationship like last time, but that hasn't happened.

 

There's just no mutual interest in a relationship. Either they don't feel a spark or I don't feel one.

Edited by Redguitar35
Link to post
Share on other sites
Garcon1986

Garcon1986

Posted
Posted

Aha so you are successful with women but you specifically are successful in the one night stand arena. That’s got its own pluses and minuses.

 

The harsh lesson I learned from Loveshack is that it’s quite a different skill set to do one night stands versus long term relationships.

 

You’ll have to turn the dating practices you follow on their head.

 

First, do you know any real life women who embody the characteristics you want in a long term relationship? Why are you attracted to that specific woman? For me, my dream woman is Katie Bouman because I have the highest respect for Geekiness. What about you?

 

Then, find a location or extracurricular club in which these women tend to frequent. Then, chat them up. You can use your escalation skills once you’ve snagged her interest romantically.

 

The numbers game is frustrating for everyone mate. Keep your head up and use Loveshack as a sounding board.

Link to post
Share on other sites
chillii

chillii

Posted
Posted (edited)

like so many here , you haven't taken any time. Even that 90 days would help at this stage.

You split just before Christmas but you've had a ton on one nighters already.

And btw , if she dropped things , then she wasn't right for you anyway , so don't beat yaself up over it eh.

l think you just need to totally chill for a year or so , just drop all this. Relax for awhile enjoy life and forget all the crap and women.

You'd be amazed what you learn about yourself and realize about everything, if ya just drop the guns for awhile and just stop trying. You might also be amazed at what might happen if you do too.

Edited by chillii
Link to post
Share on other sites
MeadowFlower

MeadowFlower

Posted
Posted
Because that's where I'm at. At 32, I feel like nobody's interested in me and I've reached the end of the line. I have no dates set up, no matches on OLD and just totally on my own.

 

You refocus. Find enjoyment in other aspects of life. Enjoy the little things. Live in the moment.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheFinalWord

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted

It is difficult, that's for sure. But I think you are seeking validation from women (non-stop ONS, which don't get you anywhere closer to your goal), instead of being validated from within.

 

What is your vision in life? For a relationship to last, you need is a woman that wants to be a part of your vision. Then her vision and your vision, need to meld together as one.

 

If you don't know what your vision is, or if that vision has no room for a woman, that could be the problem.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
d0nnivain

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

I agree with the advice to take a break from dating. You need to take the pressure off yourself. Close down all of your social media accounts. Step away from the computer & the phone.

 

Summer's coming. So make a plan to have a great summer. So summer share houses exist around you? Get involved with one to make new friends. Join a team. Plan some trips. Just set up summer to have a great time outside of a dating relationship.

 

While you are taking this hiatus from dating, get to meet lots of new people. Female & male so you have others to go out on the town with.

 

Come fall you can keep going with the whirlwind social life but start asking out the women you meet IRL.

Link to post
Share on other sites
OatsAndHall

OatsAndHall

Posted
Posted
The 90 days is for you to completely stop trying, to focus on yourself and becoming a better person. Really to work on becoming complete within yourself, and happy without a significant other. You need to instill a mindset that at most a partner would complement your life, not fulfill it.

 

Look at your statement: "some of us aren't meant to be in a relationship"...So there is no one that can complement your life? If you mean some of us aren't meant to get our happiness from another person. You are 100% right. If you mean that there is no one that can complement your life, then that is 100% wrong.

 

If no one can complement your life, then you need to evaluate yourself. Why not? Only you can answer that.

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

The more you fixate on finding a partner, the more miserable you're going to be. Trust me, I beat the bushes for awhile after my divorce and it sucked; I was completely absorbed in finding another companion. I stopped, started focusing completely on he rest of my life; found a few new hobbies, expanded my social circle and learned to enjoy my solitude.

 

 

 

Once I did that, dating became far more enjoyable, I met more women and life was just better, all around.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Gretchen12

Gretchen12

Posted
Posted

I think technology gives us the illusion that we can always control what people see. Well, that may be true online. But in real life, you have to operate as if you cannot hide anything.

 

The women know you are having a lot of one-night stands. That makes you unattractive as a serious partner. When I say they "know" it's not knowing for sure, it's a certain feeling. Women have this instinct, like sensing danger. And women can pick up the smell of other women.

 

So you really have to just live like an open book. Then you'll know what people expect, so you'll know what to do. Things become very clear.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Redguitar35

Redguitar35

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Agreed.

 

 

The more you fixate on finding a partner, the more miserable you're going to be. Trust me, I beat the bushes for awhile after my divorce and it sucked; I was completely absorbed in finding another companion. I stopped, started focusing completely on he rest of my life; found a few new hobbies, expanded my social circle and learned to enjoy my solitude.

 

 

 

Once I did that, dating became far more enjoyable, I met more women and life was just better, all around.

 

I wouldn't say I'm fixated on finding a partner. I have one night stands because I enjoy sex. But I am a little tired of it being a different person every time and would prefer one of them to turn into more.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheFinalWord

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted
The more you fixate on finding a partner, the more miserable you're going to be.

 

 

Definitely. It's not always easy, but some of the best advice I received is to become outcome-independent. Enjoy the process and if more is there, let it unfold naturally.

Link to post
Share on other sites
basil67

basil67

Posted
Posted

You say you have one night stands, so obviously you're attractive and fun enough to get laid. So what stops them wanting more? Do you ever ask for their phone numbers and invite on a date?

Link to post
Share on other sites
alphamale

alphamale

Posted
Posted
You say you have one night stands, so obviously you're attractive and fun enough to get laid. So what stops them wanting more? Do you ever ask for their phone numbers and invite on a date?

 

I think asking for the digits and a date sort of go against the whole idea of a one night stand

Link to post
Share on other sites
basil67

basil67

Posted
Posted
I think asking for the digits and a date sort of go against the whole idea of a one night stand

 

I know quite a number of couples who started out as a ONS. They found great connection and started dating.

Link to post
Share on other sites
 Share
Followers 0
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...