Am I being insensitive and not understanding?

[Lion05]

Can use some advice guys.

 

Been in a relationship with this woman who I’m in love with. When we met she’s told me she was separated from her husband. Gut feeling was not to get involved but friendly talks led to finding we have so much in common and like many of the same things. I thought well she is separated so is fair game. She said she didn’t want to get back with her husband and was going to divorce him. We started dating. Months later I found out that she was actually not separated not literally. She was doing an in house separation. All that time she was living with her husband but apparently it was understood that they could both see other people and divorce was inevitable.

 

I was really hurt by this revelation. She also told me that they sleep in same bed but with their son in the middle of them. She says whenever he is sleeping in couch the son brings him up the bed. Not sure this is true. He’s only 4.

 

I told her I couldn’t do this and left her. She begged and said she loved me and she would divorce him just needed time. After 2 weeks we saw each other’ again. We have been seeing each other this way now for a few months.

 

I don’t know how I’m doing this but I am and I feel like I’m tolerating an intolerable situation.

 

She told me recently that she bought tickets to take a family trip. He’s going with her and her son and her family to the Caribbean. This hurt me and enraged me. She says she is doing this for her son so he has this last memory of them together as a family. I undertand how hard this is and I’m torn about it. I’ve told her it there are any doubts about her to save her family she should do that. But she says she doesn’t want that and wants me. But she doesn’t divorce him. She had talked to him but now he wants her back and doesn’t want to divorce. She says they have no chemistry, he took her for granted and have no life or aspirations which led her to fall out of love.

 

The trip is in June. She says after the trip she will ask him for a divorce and start it herself.

 

Part of me feels like I’m being taken tie a fool. She showed me proof that they are not having sex.

[darkmoon]

she's staying, sorry, but 4 year old's emotions just don't fit into holidays, never to surface again, expect sobbing, poor little mite, looks like she has not been around children much

[Ronni_W]

No, you are not being insensitive nor are you being 'not understanding'. But. I also don't think that you are being taken for a fool.

 

On the other hand, I would wait until after June and their 'family vacation' before actually committing or investing myself any further.

 

I was in a similar situation as your possibly-future partner. What I really wanted was for my marriage to work out...at the same time as I knew, way down deep inside, that it would not.

 

What any potential future relationship with her needs from you right now (what you need to do to have any potential future relationship with her), is to just trust her completely

that she knows what she's doing to attain the best possible outcomes for ALL concerned. That means, her son, herself, her family and in-laws, their friends, her husband, and you...

...pretty much in that order.

 

If, right now, you cannot see yourself last on a very long list of people who she is thinking about and worrying about,

then there is very little chance that this will turn out to where you are going to get to be second on the list of her priorities (behind her son but ahead of herself).

 

If this doesn't make sense to you at this point, then nothing else that I'm gonna say is gonna make any difference. Sorry...

[Lion05]

I have a hard time with being ok with this trip. Didn’t mention on my first post and should have that there was another trip she made with him. She said she needed to know if there was any spark left before she moved on and proceeded with the divorce. She called me from the place they went crying and I’m apanic saying she had made a mistake and she wanted to be with me and couldn’t be with him. That he tried to have sex with her and she couldn’t do it. The trip happened shortly after she told me he had been living with her all along.

 

I get that her son is top priority. If I have to be ok with being last on a long list of people including her husband right now I will walk. I have some self respect left still. She’s in my opinion putting me in a situation she shouldn’t put me in. If she loved me. Which she says she does .

Edited April 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Ronni_W]

I get that her son is top priority. If I have to be ok with being last on a long list of people including her husband right now I will walk.

Then you do need to tell her that. TELL HER that you are okay with it if she and you, together, put her son first on the list (including with any children that you yourself may have),

but that you will not allow yourself to be put after her husband/soon-to-be-ex-husband.

 

You need to at least open up a dialogue about where you fit in. Like I said, it can be really, really difficult to admit to herself that her marriage is done.

Sometimes that conversation needs to be physically brought to the forefront. She may or may not be ready to admit to herself that her marriage is over. That is going to be your only stumbling block.

But. If you are at the point of being ready to find out and face all the consequences, then that's what you gotta do for yourself.

 

It's not easy, either way. Not for yourself or for her. Wishing you both the best.

Edited April 21, 2019 by Ronni_W
Formatting.

[Lion05]

She’s said exactly that. That she knows it won’t work and that she’s not happy but she is grieving the end of her marriage. That she never wanted to be divorced. She also feels bad for him because even though she doesn’t love him anymore he is a good guy just that he has issues that made her lose interest. She says she doesn’t know why she married. The attraction was never there.

 

I agree. I have to talk to her and have that conversation.

Edited April 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Ronni_W]

...she knows it won’t work and that she’s not happy but she is grieving the end of her marriage. That she never wanted to be divorced. She also feels bad for him because even though she doesn’t love him anymore he is a good guy

So...that's EXACTLY how it was for me. (Including that I arranged a Caribbean vacation for the both of us, with another family member...not an offspring.)

 

I can only tell you that my 'rebound' (which you are, for her) was extremely patient with me, and just left me to figure it all out. He never put any pressure on me,

not even the kind that you're feeling, about 'having self-respect' and all that such. With hindsight, it seems that he just knew or could see 'the writing on the wall' better than I could at the time...

...not because of still wanting to be married to my now-ex, but because it was my marriage that was over (if that makes sense? It's not about *him* but about 'the whole marriage thing' and dream).

 

Also you may be heartened and inspired to know...my 'rebound' (which you are, to her) has lasted 20+ years! Because he played it cool and confident when we both needed him to. .

Edited April 21, 2019 by Ronni_W
Punctuation.

[Lion05]

Im glad things worked out for you. Didn’t you lose some respect for him hit waiting around? I almost feel like by drawing a line I’m signaling that she can disrespect me. And part of me feels that if we end up together I was second choice. If things don’t work out with him then she will come to me. They have no sex and basically live as friends in the house.

 

I love her deeply. But some of the things that have happened are making me feel resentment which is not good.

Edited April 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Ronni_W]

Didn’t you lose some respect for him hit waiting around?

Good heavens, NO! The exact opposite. (Not that my perspective or reaction/response is going to be the same for everyone else in a similar situation.)

 

I simply cannot tell you enough or properly how much I respect, admire and appreciate the level of understanding and maturity that he demonstrated.

I honestly don't think that I have it, or know anyone else who has it, to the level and graciousness that he demonstrated.

 

PLEASE NOTE the caveat that it's not necessarily that other people will react how I did. A lot or almost all of it is going to be on YOU,

and how YOU handle your side of things during this transition, which, it is a major transition for her.

[bathtub-row]

Let her go. Tell her to work out her life and contact you when the divorce is final. I know you won’t do that. You’ll wait until she comes back from the trip to tell you that she and her husband are getting back together. Or, she may spare you that and tell you that while she’s on the trip.

 

No matter what, you’re setting yourself up for disaster and teaching her to disrespect you. You’ve already tolerated one lie. You were angry about the trip because, instinctively, you know her actions are wrong. But keep teaching her that you have no backbone and that she can feel free to lie and manipulate you. That always works out well.

[Lion05]

Good heavens, NO! The exact opposite. (Not that my perspective or reaction/response is going to be the same for everyone else in a similar situation.)

 

I simply cannot tell you enough or properly how much I respect, admire and appreciate the level of understanding and maturity that he demonstrated.

I honestly don't think that I have it, or know anyone else who has it, to the level and graciousness that he demonstrated.

 

PLEASE NOTE the caveat that it's not necessarily that other people will react how I did. A lot or almost all of it is going to be on YOU,

and how YOU handle your side of things during this transition, which, it is a major transition for her.

 

He sounds like a great man. I don’t know that I will be able to do what he did. I love her and want to have a family with her. This has been very tough to go through.

[Lion05]

Let her go. Tell her to work out her life and contact you when the divorce is final. I know you won’t do that. You’ll wait until she comes back from the trip to tell you that she and her husband are getting back together. Or, she may spare you that and tell you that while she’s on the trip.

 

No matter what, you’re setting yourself up for disaster and teaching her to disrespect you. You’ve already tolerated one lie. You were angry about the trip because, instinctively, you know her actions are wrong. But keep teaching her that you have no backbone and that she can feel free to lie and manipulate you. That always works out well.

 

It would be very cruel if her to ask me to please give her time to just end up telling me she is going back with him.

[d0nnivain]

She's the one being insensitive.

 

I'd tell her you are done for now & if & when comes back to you after this trip with filed divorce papers in hand & a new address for her or her husband, you will consider taking her back, assuming you have nothing else going on. I don't care what she says until she files, you are just the OM with whom she's committing adultery. You may be surprised at how fast she gets herself down to the courthouse. If it doesn't happen that way, then you will know she was lying to you & that should anger you enough to propel you away from her.

[ExpatInItaly]

She showed me proof that they are not having sex.

 

I am very curious to hear what this proof is?

 

Look OP, you are far too passive and overlooking far too many red flags. She is very much a married woman and in no place to be dating anyone else. She knows this, or she wouldn't have initially let you believe she was physically separated from her husband. Funny how she had left out the bit where she and her husband are still sleeping together in their marital bed, eh?

 

This untenable arrangement you two have will probably continue until she tells you that, surprise, she and her husband are going to try again. For them, for their son, you know the drill. I have to wonder if her husband has any clue she is dating you, or even that she is telling people they're separated - "in-house" or otherwise.

 

The likelihood that this woman will wind up in your arms for the long-term is extraordinarily slim. You would be wise to re-claim your dignity and tell her that it's over unless and until she files for divorce and they live in separate homes. Full stop. My guess is she will cry and plead, but tough cookies, Toots. That's what happens when you date outside your marriage.

[Lion05]

This is what’s Im thinking I’ll do. Distance myself si she ca figure things out and if she comes back to me is because she really wanted me. If not, then I’ll know.

[emeraldgreen]

She's got the perfect life. You bring the spark and she still gets to play family. Your unsettling feeling about this is completely justified and you've put up with it this far because of a lack of other options. Don't be the guy who picks up the slack from her failed marriage any longer.

[preraph]

Look at it this way. Tell her you want her to go through this divorce without you so she can deal with it all and that that will be easier for you (and it will -- been there, done that), and that she will need time to mourn if she divorces and just jumping to the next guy isn't healthy.

 

Tell her once she's divorced and got all her child custody and living arrangement sorted out and feels settled, to contact you. Don't let her lean on you during this time. She needs to concentrate on getting through this without you as a complicating factor. If she's anything like the men I've seen through divorces, she'll want to be a free agent at the end of it and see what she can get. But since she's a woman, maybe not.

[basil67]

Depending on where you live, divorce can take some time to process. With this in mind, I'd suggest that at the very least, she be living as a divorced woman. As in, separate houses, separate holidays and child custody schedule worked out.

 

As for her actions, I don't think she's deliberately taking you for a fool. But I think you'd be a fool to continue with her while they are still living as husband and wife.

[Inspire]

Ronni's story was very heartwarming, but it's an exception to what usually ends up happening. You're the rebound and shoulder to cry on. What she really needs to do is become separated, change her address and then consider dating.

 

So she's on holiday with him to see if there is any "spark" left in their marriage while now also dating you? Do you not see the issue with that? Red flags are hanging high my friend ...

[Lion05]

I see what you guys are saying. It seems like the one of the few ways for us to end up together is to distance ourselves now and then get back together once she is a free woman. I love her and part of me is angry at her for lying. I hate that I’m in love with someone I can’t be with.

 

My divorce took around 7 months to complete.

 

To the poster who mentioned her being a free agent: you mean her wanting to see what’s out there and date other people?

[Lion05]

Inspire,

 

She is not with him physically. She sees this upcoming trip as a last thing she needs to do for him so her son can have this last memory if his parents together in a family trip. I just can’t stand the thought of her being on vacation with another man and her family. I feel she should ask him for a divorce if like she says that’s what she wants and not put me through having to wait for her to come back from this trip. If he wants her back and although he seems to do nothing to actually get her back he doesn’t want to divorce the trip will be used by him as an opportunity to get with her. He may even use her family to put pressure on her.

[Inspire]

I am not talking about this upcoming trip. In one of your other posts, you said you had forgotten to mention that they had taken another trip previously together while you two were talking. That is what I was referring too. Regardless of the fact that she didn't get physical with him (at least sexually), she felt compelled to do it, (understandably so) but it came at your expense. You're caught in the middle of all this. The bottom line is she jumped the gun too quickly to start dating again.

[Lion05]

Inspire,

 

Gotcha. That trip was really hard to stomach. While in the trip she called me in tears and was almost having what seemed like a panic attack. She asked me to go get her. When I said ok I’ll go she said better not and that she would ask for a divorce afterwards coming back from the trip. She didn’t.

 

This is why this upcoming trip is hard for me although she says is different. This is more a family trip and not a getaway for them.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just can’t stand the thought of her being on vacation with another man and her family.

 

This pales in comparison to the fact she sleeps in the same bed every night with this man and is still married to him, OP. You're fretting about something that isn't that significant in the grand scheme of things. The most important factor is that she is someone else's wife and has made no move to change that. Being on vacation with him, or not, isn't the real problem.

 

Unless you are there with them, you also have no clue if they're still sexually intimate or not. I don't know what proof she "showed" you but you need to stop living in denial, my friend. Bar a live feed from their bedroom on webcam that you can watch, how on earth could she prove a lack of sexual activity to you? You know she's not exactly the pinnacle of honesty and transparency, so you need to assume that the version of the home life she paints for you could be very different from reality.

 

What has she told you about her husband's knowledge of your existence?

[Inspire]

Inspire,

 

Gotcha. That trip was really hard to stomach. While in the trip she called me in tears and was almost having what seemed like a panic attack. She asked me to go get her. When I said ok I’ll go she said better not and that she would ask for a divorce afterwards coming back from the trip. She didn’t.

 

This is why this upcoming trip is hard for me although she says is different. This is more a family trip and not a getaway for them.

 

I am sure it was hard to stomach. I suspect your mind was somewhat put to ease (falsely so) because she called in tears professing her feelings and devotion to you. However, I think you're downplaying the significance of that trip. It showed that she still had a desire to work things out and that she still felt something for him. If she still had this desire, why was dating you? Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?

 

Clearly, she was in turmoil going into that trip and that's if I am taking her word at face value.

 

If she was as sure as she proclaimed to be, then she would have followed through on her word and filed for divorce after that trip.

 

Instead, her actions describe someone in doubt. I am not buying into the idea that this trip is about her son. What's it going to be next? One more Christmas holiday together? She's stalling and you're setting yourself up to take a hard fall.