Am I being insensitive and not understanding?

[elaine567]

Spend some time on the OW part of the forum. Read the stories and realise you are not alone. Your story is not unique.

This stringing you along is par for the course, only usually it is a MM stringing along an OW.

[Lion05]

I sometimes can’t believe I’m in this situation. I’ve held on because I love her but the situation is intolerable and Id advise a friend to walk so I should do the same I just haven’t been able to. It’s almost as if I’m waiting for her to see if she still has feelings for him to then make the decision to break things up. So I’m plan B. If she had no interest in him she should tell him she will make the trip alone because in the current situation the trip wouldn’t be enjoyable. Part of the trip is they are attending a wedding. The whole family is. So she will be there all looking pretty, he will be dressed up as well. I will be in another country while she goes through with this. They will dance for sure and do things people expect them to do as a married couple even though things are not fine. I just can’t go through with that. I’ll make it clear to her. She either cancel the trip or goes without me or she can forget about me.

[Inspire]

She is looking out for her best interests and you should be doing the same for yourself. At the same time, she needs to leave her marriage for the right reasons. If she leaves her marriage because of you and things don't work out the way she had hoped, resentment will be soon to follow. Make sense?

[bathtub-row]

I sometimes can’t believe I’m in this situation. I’ve held on because I love her but the situation is intolerable and Id advise a friend to walk so I should do the same I just haven’t been able to. It’s almost as if I’m waiting for her to see if she still has feelings for him to then make the decision to break things up. So I’m plan B. If she had no interest in him she should tell him she will make the trip alone because in the current situation the trip wouldn’t be enjoyable. Part of the trip is they are attending a wedding. The whole family is. So she will be there all looking pretty, he will be dressed up as well. I will be in another country while she goes through with this. They will dance for sure and do things people expect them to do as a married couple even though things are not fine. I just can’t go through with that. I’ll make it clear to her. She either cancel the trip or goes without me or she can forget about me.

 

I really don't think she's trying to bamboozle you but she just isn't in a position to be dating right now. She's got way too many things to resolve. There's just little potential for a relationship to last through all that, not to mention her jumping from one relationship to the other, and dealing with becoming a single mom. It's just bad timing and I can't tell you how many times that has bitten me in the behind -- but you just can't ignore it.

[ExpatInItaly]

It’s almost as if I’m waiting for her to see if she still has feelings for him

 

I think the fact that she has not yet filed for divorced is your clue that she still has some feelings for him, OP. The vacation isn't going to be the determining factor. If she was truly done with the marriage, you would know it because she'd be making moves towards legally separating. However, she's making moves in the opposite direction - toward marital reconciliation.

 

This is why dating a married woman is a foolish and futile venture. Her priority isn't you, and never has been.

 

I'm sorry you're here, as it sounds like you've been fed a lot of half-truths by her. This is why having your own clear and firm set of boundaries and standards is so important, so that you have the strength to walk away when you see red flags.

[elaine567]

Going forward how could you ever trust her?

Her poor husband is no doubt trying to save his marriage, or is completely unaware anything is even wrong, and meanwhile she is sobbing on the phone to you and telling you she loves you...

 

She has both plates spinning in the air and will do almost anything to keep both options open.

Dating separated people is always a big gamble, even ones who have moved out and have a life of their own, but this women isn't even separated. Truth is you are involved in an affair with a married woman and it looks like she is going nowhere.

 

Even if she moves out tomorrow and you "win", what exactly have you won?

[Lion05]

This is a reply to expat in Italy:

 

Getting used to the forum. Don’t know how to reply directly with quote.

 

He knows she’s been with someone. She told him. He reacted very different than most people would. He just said ok. If you want to be in this marriage that needs to stop. She said no, I want out. But he refuses to agree to separate or divorce. He is not really trying to win her back. He’s just a really dry and unemotional person. I can see why they don’t click. He’s ok being unhappy as long as they keep appearances and he can say he still has a wife. She is too afraid of what her family will say and the backlash. Fear is why she is staying with him.

Edited April 24, 2019 by Lion05

[Lion05]

Going forward how could you ever trust her?

Her poor husband is no doubt trying to save his marriage, or is completely unaware anything is even wrong, and meanwhile she is sobbing on the phone to you and telling you she loves you...

 

She has both plates spinning in the air and will do almost anything to keep both options open.

Dating separated people is always a big gamble, even ones who have moved out and have a life of their own, but this women isn't even separated. Truth is you are involved in an affair with a married woman and it looks like she is going nowhere.

 

Even if she moves out tomorrow and you "win", what exactly have you won?

 

I went through a similar experience in my marriage. I was with someone who had deep issues likely bipolar disorder and made me feel like crap. My self esteem was very low. She was abusive in many ways. I had an emotional affair with an ex gf at the time. She was supportive and provided an escape. I realize I cheated and was wrong; no excuses but also undertand the conditions that can lead to cheating. My ex cheated on me multiple times I later found out. Im saying this because I have been faithful and never crossed that line again. I’m hoping she would go through the same realization and commit to a relationship like I have done.

Edited April 24, 2019 by Lion05

[ExpatInItaly]

This is a reply to expat in Italy:

 

Getting used to the forum. Don’t know how to reply directly with quote.

 

He knows she’s been with someone. She told him. He reacted very different than most people would. He just said ok. If you want to be in this marriage that needs to stop. She said no, I want out. But he refuses to agree to separate or divorce. He is not really trying to win her back. He’s just a really dry and unemotional person. I can see why they don’t click. He’s ok being unhappy as long as they keep appearances and he can say he still has a wife. She is too afraid of what her family will say and the backlash. Fear is why she is staying with him.

 

The problem with all of the above?

 

You have no idea if any of it is true.

[Lion05]

Expat,

 

I’ve asked her if he’s been trying to get her back, win her back somehow. She said no. I even said I would walk away. If they can fix things I don’t want to be the reason why they don’t. From where I see things their relationship is not fixable. They both lack courage at this point to end things and move on. She’s told him she wants out but hasn’t taken the wheel and started the divorce. She says she needs time and that she will before the trip talk to him so he understands clearly that the trip doesn’t mean anything and that after trip is done they must go their separate ways.

[SevenCity]

You realize the time she called you crying because she couldn’t have sex with him resulted from her trying, right?

 

That means there was kissing, fondling, and likely penetration.

 

So basically your gf, who has a husband, is looking to you for comfort because she can’t have sex with him anymore.

 

She has done nothing to demonstrate she is or was serious about getting divorced.

 

I would walk away and never look back.

 

You’re correct, this is intolerable to anyone with self esteem.

[ExpatInItaly]

I’ve asked her if he’s been trying to get her back, win her back somehow. She said no. I even said I would walk away. If they can fix things I don’t want to be the reason why they don’t. From where I see things their relationship is not fixable. They both lack courage at this point to end things and move on. She’s told him she wants out but hasn’t taken the wheel and started the divorce. She says she needs time and that she will before the trip talk to him so he understands clearly that the trip doesn’t mean anything and that after trip is done they must go their separate ways.

 

You're missing the point completely. The point is that you have already learned you cannot trust her word.

 

You need to stop assuming that the picture she's painting for you is an accurate reflection of reality behind closed doors.

 

Don't be so easily led by the words of a dishonest person, OP. You're being willfully naive here.

[Redhead14]

You're being willfully naive here.

 

 

Yep, the words for it are DENIAL and DESPERATION.

 

OP, if you walk away now, you'll be able to say that you were just a little slow on the uptake about what's going on here. If you continue tolerating the situation, you're a doormat and willing participant in your own misery. I guess you have nothing better to do than sit around mind-f'ing yourself.

 

Grow a backbone and get out there and find a woman who demonstrates her interest clearly and matches her actions with her words and doesn't have anyone else in the picture. Oh, and it would be great if she was also not selfish, manipulative, insincere, insensitive and deceitful or unfaithful. She's a POS. Seriously. Let her husband keep this prize.

Edited April 25, 2019 by Redhead14

[BaileyB]

If she wanted to be divorced, she would file for divorce.

 

This woman has a child, and a family. As such, she not available to be in a relationship with you... despite what she may say. She is not available emotionally, financially, legally...

[BaileyB]

Even if she moves out tomorrow and you "win", what exactly have you won?

 

He would win a woman who should never be trusted because she has proven herself to be selfish, manipulative, untrustworthy, and unfaithful.

 

Never mind the fact that she has a child and will always be tied to her husband because of the child. I would not trust this woman not to bounce back and forth, back and forth, for years to come...

 

Reading these posts, you just know there is trouble ahead when it starts with “I met this married woman but we have so much in common, etc” you would have been wise to stop at “married woman.” For future reference, “separated” is just another word for “married.”

[Redhead14]

He would win a woman who should never be trusted because she has proven herself to be selfish, manipulative, untrustworthy, and unfaithful.

 

 

There's a saying . . . "I can't win for losing" If this guy "wins" this woman, he's a loser.

[Lion05]

Thanks all for commenting and the advice. I’ve definitely done things and tolerated things I never thought I would. I’ll that she filed for divorce if that’s what she wants to do and only contact me once she is serious or ready to leave him.

 

Redhead, there’s no need for name calling (POS). Yes she’s not perfect and has caused me pain but none of us are perfect and I don’t think she is purposely trying to hurt me. If anything I’m the one most at fault for letting it happen. Can’t be loyal and dance with two parties. A decision needs to be made and someone is going to get hurt.