Beachead Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 (edited) @blanchedroses Yes, I believe it's partly ego but I have this feeling it's more to do with your confidence, self-esteem. Your sticking in a unhealthy back and forth with this guy is a symptom of your not believing you deserve nor can find a healthy, loving one. Insecurities that are keeping you stuck. Attaining him is less about love and more about proving to yourself that you're worthy. Therefore, you take his lack of commitment, as a failure on who you are and it hits you hard. Someone's decision to be with you isn't solely your responsibility. You're competing with other external and internal factors in his life. Things that you may not know anything about. Trauma, family/friends, Stress etc. You need to understand that him choosing her is not a reflection of you. You're you and who you are is what somebody out there is looking for. Just not him. It bothers you because he's been involved in your life in some way shape or form for years and you've gotten used to fantasizing over him. Over time, that fantasy as grown and you've placed him on a pedestal without realizing it and built him up to be this king you have to please. He failed you. Not the other way I say this because this is why I chose to stay loyal to people who were terrible to me for much of my life. - Beach Edited April 22, 2019 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 But that doesn’t solve the hurt I have and feelings of unworthiness. I was nothing but good to him. No, actually there was that stage where you refused to see him. That wasn't good to him, but it was certainly a smart choice on your part. I agree that this is about your own low self esteem. You settled for really poor treatment because you wanted to see potential where none existed. Please don't place your self worth in the hands of a man. Especially one who doesn't value you. Instead, establish your self worth and then stick with people who treat you in a consistently loving manner. Hold yourself higher than you did for him. Have you considered undertaking counselling? Unravel the reasons why you made the choices you did - and then learn how to walk away if someone doesn't treat you well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blanchedroses Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 @blanchedroses See it for what it is. It’s hard, because as much as “I see it for what it is...” there is a shred of doubt as to whether what I am being delusional, or I’m wrong or perhaps I was the only one who deserved that treatment and he treats all the other girls a lot better. This particularly plays on my mind because this “long distance” relationship he’s in with a girl he’s never met that is “Facebook official” would take a lot of trust on her part. So... clearly, she must trust him. Does that mean he is trustworthy and I was wrong all along to never have trusted him? My gut instinct was always telling me something wasn’t right because his actions and his words rarely matched. Yet... again, perhaps I was the only one privy to that treatment because this “girlfriend” seems to be smitten with him. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Roses, why is your self esteem hanging on how this guy behaves? Do you not value yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 His relationship with her has nothing to do with you. Pretty much the way my relationships with my exes has nothing to do with the chemistry I felt when I met my husband. Stop comparing the two or you will stay stuck in the stage you're in now. He isn't the last man on earth and yours is still out there looking for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 Right now I can’t help but feel slightly jaded because he’s in a “Facebook official” relationship with someone he’s never even met. My feelings of low self-worth have crept back, and I’m hurt that she’s clearly “good enough” to commit to but I never was. I’ve done a lot of research on emotionally unavailable relationships, and this explains his BS cycle of behaviour. He’s 34 and he’s never been married. The longest relationship was several years (if that) which ended because he pursued a girl he’d been obsessed with since childhood. That didn’t last and he’s been single until now. Don't let this situation adversely affect your feelings of self-worth! It's easy to "commit" to a "relationship" with someone overseas. Truly, what is the commitment level in an online relationship? He is truly showing how incapable he really is of cultivating a real relationship. Consider yourself to have dodged a bullet, here. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 27, 2019 Share Posted May 27, 2019 blocking him will give you the last word. excellent, excellent quote! Love this!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 I'm a bit late to this thread but I wanted to give you some support. Please listen to Frank and read his post whenever you're feeling doubt. Your ex is in no way committed to this person he's never met. It's all a fantasy. It's very easy to have the perfect relationship online with someone he's never met. It's not real at all. He hasn't changed for her. FB official means nothing. It's just a click on a screen. That's all the effort it takes. He has very deep seated issues with commitment and probably other things you don't know about. No person or relationship can change things like that overnight. It would take a good amount of therapy with a professional to make a dent in it. I do understand your shock though. It just seems so bizarre and insulting as you are a real live person that he actually knows and she's a pretend online pen pal. My exH left me for someone he met online that he's never met. Also overseas. He did the back and forth for as long as I let him which was about a year. I was insulted at first like wtf? Plus her nasty smugness towards me didn't help Then after awhile I realised it was just all a farce, a fantasy. He refused to file for a divorce and finally I had to! So here it's been 2 years now and guess what? They still haven't met! I'm not longer hurt about it as I see it for what it is. I now feel embarrassed for him. I lost any respect for him wasting his life on a fake relationship. I am now glad he's gone because there is something wrong with him and there is something wrong with her but not my circus not my monkey. So completely block him and realise that he had nothing of value to offer you and you deserve much better than this flake. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 First loves rarely ever last. Link to post Share on other sites
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