Feeling Inferior to my new partner and his ex's...

[Khaysha92]

I have been dating a wonderful man for roughly 6 months off and on. We are still in the dating stage as I'm not 100% sure how I feel about him and don't feel ready to take it to the next step. He would make me his GF tomorrow if I allowed him. On paper he is my complete type but in reality I just feel like something is wrong...

 

However i think the issue is that I seem to have massive hang ups about his exs, they have been regional managers, professional/celebrity MUAs, nurses etc... I on the other hand have a very normal below paying job and also have a daughter.

 

He has an extremely well paid job, and would easily out earn most woman he would date and is highly intelligent which once again I am not. Today he picked up on some grammar mistakes during a conversation (I mentioned I borrowed somebody some money and he said no you lent them money) and that made me feel abit ****. He could tell I was abit upset and reassured me that he was only trying to help etc but I couldn't help but think it was a dig and now feel like he thinks I'm stupid

 

I have always dated guys with good jobs, who are more intelligent than me, some of whom have dated woman who have out earned me but I've never ever felt this inferority before and I don't understand why all of a sudden I feel so stupid considering I have dated guys who out earn him and are more than likely smarter.

 

I'm not sure if my doubts about him are making the inferiority complex worse/ I'm using it as an excuse to split up. He really is a wonderful man who has been nothing but good to be and my little one.

 

He knows my job title but not my actual salary, maybe if I told him that and gained reassurance he was OK with it I would feel better?

 

Words of advice are great appreciated

[Amethyst68]

Hi Khaysha

 

 

First of all I would say stop belittling yourself! Your post clearly shows you are not lacking in intelligence. So what if you used the wrong word, I would say it's probably one of the most misused words in daily usage, another being remember me instead of remind me. A lot of it is due to coloquialism, what the people around you say, what is normal for you to hear.

 

 

As for you earning less, you work an honest job to support yourself and your daughter. There is nothing to be ashamed of there, if anything you should be proud. You always have the option of doing training out going to school part time to get promotion or a new job. As I said your post shows you have the intelligence for this if you want it.

 

 

So stop with the inferiority complex, you have nothing to feel inferior about.

[d0nnivain]

You need to work on your self esteem. This is not about him, any other man you ever dated or any women they previously dated. It's about how you view yourself. You are unfairly comparing your self worth to somebody else's paycheck. You are a mom. That has value.

 

I make a good income & own my own business but don't have kids. When I'm old no one will visit me in the nursing home or advocate for my wellbeing when I am unable to care for myself. In that sense between you & me, which one of us is richer & has greater value?

[snowcones]

Do you have any other examples? I'm not sure a grammar correction means that he thinks he's better than you. I mean, yes, it's embarrassing, but he truly may have been trying to help, not to take a swipe at you. So, do you have any other examples? Just asking because it really could be that this guy sees you as inferior, so I want to hear what else he does? It's totally separate than how you see yourself.

[JuneL]

It’s actually quite rude of him to correct your grammar.

[elaine567]

It’s actually quite rude of him to correct your grammar.

 

Not sure what exactly he is supposed to do then? He didn't call her out in front of other people or make fun of her. It was just a quiet private correction.

He doesn't want his gf showing him up.

[Guildford]

We men come in many sizes, types and personalities, and we are not all looking for a woman who is educated, accomplished and can obviously take care of herself. Some men, even those that are educated and accomplished, are looking for a mate who needs assistance and protection, and who will show great appreciation for that assistance and protection. If this guy meets all the things you are looking for, and he is interested in you, then you should go for it. Don't break up with him, and then think back in future years, 'Did I break up with the one great relationships that I could have had.' I hope things work out well for you.

[preraph]

What I'm not getting from your post is if you have any love for this guy. It's all about that he has money and does nice things for you and your kid. Are you choosing a man for his ability to provide for you or do you have a spark with this guy? I'm just not for being with someone for practical reasons without any spark because that usually isn't going to last. After six months, you should either be in love or be thinking about getting out.

[Marc878]

Chew on this.

 

The other women are X's

 

You aren't

 

So there is a quality in you they dont have

 

Don't let your insecurity be your own worst enemy

[stillafool]

Break it off with him. You said yourself you aren't sure about him and you're jealous of his exes. It doesn't sound like it starting off on the right foot. You will be insecure in this relationship.

[amaysngrace]

I agree with stillafool

 

If you’re this insecure this soon this relationship is doomed. Why all the comparisons? His and yours? Seems like you should be able to just be yourself and allow him to just be who he is too.

 

Maybe you aren’t able to do that just yet but you should try to learn how because that type of thinking will get you nowhere.

[Khaysha92]

Do you have any other examples? I'm not sure a grammar correction means that he thinks he's better than you. I mean, yes, it's embarrassing, but he truly may have been trying to help, not to take a swipe at you. So, do you have any other examples? Just asking because it really could be that this guy sees you as inferior, so I want to hear what else he does? It's totally separate than how you see yourself.

 

No I don't really... I suppose it was a feeling I got when he said it. We have spoken about it since and he just said we have diffrent levels of intelligence but honestly he is just smarter than me and trying to be nice. I think I just needed to rant.

[Khaysha92]

What I'm not getting from your post is if you have any love for this guy. It's all about that he has money and does nice things for you and your kid. Are you choosing a man for his ability to provide for you or do you have a spark with this guy? I'm just not for being with someone for practical reasons without any spark because that usually isn't going to last. After six months, you should either be in love or be thinking about getting out.

 

I have love for him but I don't know if I love him. He's a really nice guy but not my normal type in many ways and my insecurities seem to manifest around him, which is why I'm hesitate to take things further.

 

I don't just want to date him for practical reasons but I don't feel 100% comftable around him yet and like you said after 6 months I should be...

[Khaysha92]

We men come in many sizes, types and personalities, and we are not all looking for a woman who is educated, accomplished and can obviously take care of herself. Some men, even those that are educated and accomplished, are looking for a mate who needs assistance and protection, and who will show great appreciation for that assistance and protection. If this guy meets all the things you are looking for, and he is interested in you, then you should go for it. Don't break up with him, and then think back in future years, 'Did I break up with the one great relationships that I could have had.' I hope things work out well for you.

 

Well I hope this is the case, I've dated guys will well paying jobs before and never felt this way, so I don't know why it's all of a sudden become such an issue in my mind...

[Guildford]

With regard to 'Do you love him?' I would like to say this. If, when I married my wife, you had asked me, "Do you love her?" I would have responded, "Define love." Shortly after we married, I was in a very bad accident and spent two months in the hospital. She was a full time student and worked part time in the university library, but she visited me every day in the hospital even though she had to take public transportation. When I got out of the hospital I knew that I loved her, but I still could not define it. I did know when I married her that I cared for her deeply and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Basically, if it feels right, then go for it.

[shydad]

he just said we have diffrent levels of intelligence

I don't like the quoted portion above. Telling a partner that they are less intelligent is not a loving thing to say. I think that if he thinks he's better than you, and if you think he's better than you, there are problems with this relationship which will need some work from both of you. Mutual respect is one of the foundational elements of a healthy, lasting relationship, imo.

[preraph]

I think you're sensing it's just not the best fit.

[Amethyst68]

I agree with shydad. In my previous post I concentrated on how I think you are obviously not lacking intelligence and have options of bettering your employment choices. But I think your gut is telling you something with regards to this man and I would listen!

[elaine567]

Maybe you are growing as a person, ageing, maturing and you no longer want to be seen as the "inferior" member of a partnership.

[JuneL]

“he just said we have diffrent levels of intelligence”

 

 

I firmly stand by my previous comment that this guy was plain rude. He doesn’t have to be in a relationship with someone whom he thinks is inadequate — tell him he’s free to find a Jane Austen

[stillafool]

“he just said we have diffrent levels of intelligence”

 

 

I firmly stand by my previous comment that this guy was plain rude. He doesn’t have to be in a relationship with someone whom he thinks is inadequate — tell him he’s free to find a Jane Austen

 

This was a rude comment. You should have responded with "yeah, I know but I'm willing to date you anyway." Make it seem like he's the one who's insecure because you're more intelligent.

[Amethyst68]

I meant to say that people who make a point of mentioning their own intelligence are often doing so because they're insecure and have to make themselves feel better by putting others down.

[preraph]

There's also such a thing as different types of intelligence.

[darkmoon]

dump him ...it is his job to make sure you feel okay... say goodbye to him

[Wallysbears]

I find correcting grammar in that sort of context rude. As though he wants/needs to feel/be "smarter" than you.

 

A good man should love you for who you are, warts and all (or grammatical errors). He shouldn't feel the need to correct or belittle you.

 

I have colloquialisms that I use that make my husband chuckle. He has some also. We are from different families, different geographic areas and different upbringings. Neither makes either of us more or less intelligent than the other.