I don't make her happy

[Fresnite]

Hello all.

 

So I have a girlfriend of going on 4 months now. Like we do great together, of course everything is not "perfect" but no relationship is nor should be.

 

Last night though we had a conversation or semi arguement or whatever. But it was brought up that she said to me exact words

 

"I don't know i just....i don't wanna hurt you....but i don't think you make me happy"

 

I mean it makes sense when we are apart, but when in person we are amazing. Great sex, enjoying each other's company and time.

 

Like we didn't break up and we ended on a great note before saying good bye with i love you and what not.

 

What does she mean though about she doesn't think i make her happy?

[GTR King]

It could be something you did or something you keep doing...

 

Have you asked her why?

[elaine567]

...when in person we are amazing. Great sex, enjoying each other's company and time.

 

That is your interpretation of the situation from your point of view, she is telling you a different story...

[Logo]

 

"I don't know i just....i don't wanna hurt you....but i don't think you make me happy"

 

 

How was she when you first met? It sounds like she's either looking for you to fix her problems, whatever it is she's going through. Or, she's already checked out of the relationship.

 

 

 

I mean it makes sense when we are apart, but when in person we are amazing. Great sex, enjoying each other's company and time.

 

 

Great sex and enjoying company aren't enough for a relationship to prosper. You need to have respect and admiration for each other. Do you find her fascinating? Does she find you fascinating or at the very least interesting? Do you each have something that you can teach one another or learn from one another?

 

What's her role in the relationship? What does she contribute to the relationship?

 

Either she's not that into you, she's ungrateful or has issues that you are not aware of. Only you can find out the answer.

[basil67]

Like we do great together, of course everything is not "perfect" but no relationship is nor should be. ......Last night though we had a conversation or semi arguement or whatever.

 

The answers you need are probably in this somewhere. Thing is, some people have a higher expectation of what they want in a relationship than others. For example, I want 95% good and others are satisfied with 75%

 

So, what issues make your relationship not perfect?

[Fresnite]

The answers you need are probably in this somewhere. Thing is, some people have a higher expectation of what they want in a relationship than others. For example, I want 95% good and others are satisfied with 75%

 

So, what issues make your relationship not perfect?

 

Well issues that I have are the way she explains things or her excuses are so inconsistent and don't fit with what she says compared to her actions, so i'm always thinking she is doing something else than what she claims to be. But since day 1 this is how she has acted and has told me this is how she is from the get go, it's still hard to process though because they are red flags and I'd think cheating or her "talking" to someone else is what she is doing, but other actions of hers and from what she has disclosed with me of her past and her ex's make me believe she wouldn't cheat, but it's still questionable.

 

How was she when you first met? It sounds like she's either looking for you to fix her problems, whatever it is she's going through. Or, she's already checked out of the relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Great sex and enjoying company aren't enough for a relationship to prosper. You need to have respect and admiration for each other. Do you find her fascinating? Does she find you fascinating or at the very least interesting? Do you each have something that you can teach one another or learn from one another?

 

What's her role in the relationship? What does she contribute to the relationship?

 

Either she's not that into you, she's ungrateful or has issues that you are not aware of. Only you can find out the answer.

 

When we first met it was magical. Like nothing could have made it better. Like the first 3 weeks it was flawless and so amazingly perfect.

 

I can actually see that she might have been looking for me to fix her problems and i can see she is already checked out too. But if she is checked out why does she hold on?

 

I mean i know it's more than sex and what else. Yes i admire her, that might be my problem is i do and show more for her then she does for me.

 

Also your last statement i feel is all 3, she's not that into me anymore, -she is ungrateful i can see, and i know she suffers from anxiety and depression so there's that...

 

 

It could be something you did or something you keep doing...

 

Have you asked her why?

 

I appreciate that question. I thought i did ask last night, but i remember her saying I don't know and we kind of moved on.

[basil67]

Ok so there are disagreements about you not trusting her. And of the four months you've been together, only the first three weeks were wonderful. Sounds pretty dire - why did you stay with her if you don't trust her?

[chillii]

How old is she ?

Anyway what l'm getting , is that things can be all that , but one still just isn't feeling the full brunt, yaknow.

l think whatever else is going on , is just stuff, but the real issue is lt sounds a bit too one sided tbh.

Sadly , there's not much you can do to put it there with someone if for whatever reason it just isn't, no matter how great we might think it is.

ps, she also sounds like there might be someone else in the picture, dunno how much in the picture , but someone.

[Fresnite]

Ok so there are disagreements about you not trusting her. And of the four months you've been together, only the first three weeks were wonderful. Sounds pretty dire - why did you stay with her if you don't trust her?

 

Well the first 3 weeks were magical, there is always the honeymoon phase.

 

I don't have trust issues and never had trust problems before her, i like to give the benefit of the doubt. Also i have no proof. She also does things that make me feel awful for having the lack of trust thoughts.

 

Like we vibe and have almost everything in common. How i feel about her makes me question if i was ever in love before her

[Logo]

It's possible that she was depressed before you met and she thought that a new relationship would make her happy, but now she's projecting and suddenly you're the cause of her lack of happiness.

 

 

That's what I'm reading between the lines.

 

 

 

That she's avoiding the conversation is not a good sign. From her point of view, there's nothing left to talk about or there's nothing to talk about. It's an open and shut case.

 

 

 

You asked why is she still around?

 

 

 

She's waiting for the next big thing to come along and excite her for another 3 weeks, wash, rinse repeat. She's just unhappy. It sounds like it has less to do with you and more to do with her.

 

 

 

These excuses you talk about are a sign that she's checked out. She's just throwing excuses to see which will stick until you're convinced enough to walk away. She told you she doesn't want to hurt you. Take her at her word.

[elaine567]

Well the first 3 weeks were magical, there is always the honeymoon phase

 

"The honeymoon period tends to last anywhere between 6 months and a year" - you didn't even make it past 3 weeks.

 

I am sorry you are in so deep as I think she is about to end it, if in her mind she hasn't already done so...

 

"I don't wanna hurt you" is a very bad sign.

[d0nnivain]

You may have thought everything was magical & wonderful but she apparently has a different opinion.

 

Dating is about getting to know someone & determining compatibility. It's been a short encounter & the incompatibilities are now showing. Stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Let her go & find somebody who thinks you hang the moon. Here's a hint . . . the HM phase should last 6mo to a year. Your SO should elevate every aspect of your life not make things harder, where you are always struggling to understand.

[Logo]

 

I can actually see that she might have been looking for me to fix her problems

 

 

 

 

In what way?

[basil67]

Well the first 3 weeks were magical, there is always the honeymoon phase.

 

Elaine is right - a honeymoon period usually lasts 6-12 months.

 

I don't have trust issues and never had trust problems before her, i like to give the benefit of the doubt. Also i have no proof. She also does things that make me feel awful for having the lack of trust thoughts.

 

So does she know you don't trust her? If not, what do the two of you disagree about which makes things not good?

[Fresnite]

Thanks to everyone's replies, i read them all and appreciate every one of them. Just because idon't direct reply or quote doesn't mean they aren't worth it to me

 

Elaine is right - a honeymoon period usually lasts 6-12 months.

 

 

 

So does she know you don't trust her? If not, what do the two of you disagree about which makes things not good?

 

Well she doesn't know i don't trust her, -she knows i had concerns about it and that trust issues arise. But i assure her i trust her because she told me she left her one EX for having trust issues and he always questioned her.

 

It's so complicated with everything because when we speak and are together it's amazing, it's apart where issues arise.

 

How old is she ?

Anyway what l'm getting , is that things can be all that , but one still just isn't feeling the full brunt, yaknow.

l think whatever else is going on , is just stuff, but the real issue is lt sounds a bit too one sided tbh.

Sadly , there's not much you can do to put it there with someone if for whatever reason it just isn't, no matter how great we might think it is.

ps, she also sounds like there might be someone else in the picture, dunno how much in the picture , but someone.

 

She is 22 years old

Yes i feel it's one sided.

How can people or you tell someone else is in the picture? Like a friend told me the same thing and i can see it at times but other times i can't.

 

It's possible that she was depressed before you met and she thought that a new relationship would make her happy, but now she's projecting and suddenly you're the cause of her lack of happiness.

 

 

That's what I'm reading between the lines.

 

 

 

That she's avoiding the conversation is not a good sign. From her point of view, there's nothing left to talk about or there's nothing to talk about. It's an open and shut case.

 

 

 

You asked why is she still around?

 

 

 

She's waiting for the next big thing to come along and excite her for another 3 weeks, wash, rinse repeat. She's just unhappy. It sounds like it has less to do with you and more to do with her.

 

 

 

These excuses you talk about are a sign that she's checked out. She's just throwing excuses to see which will stick until you're convinced enough to walk away. She told you she doesn't want to hurt you. Take her at her word.

 

You asked in another post in what way does she want me to fix her, i dunno her depression? Her last 2 boyfriends, 1 cheated on her after a week and 1 had severe trust issues.

 

But i know she was depressed before me and i can see she is trying to project her being sad off on to me.

 

So she wants me to be the reason to call it off?

 

"The honeymoon period tends to last anywhere between 6 months and a year" - you didn't even make it past 3 weeks.

 

I am sorry you are in so deep as I think she is about to end it, if in her mind she hasn't already done so...

 

"I don't wanna hurt you" is a very bad sign.

 

Yeah i can tell it's a bad sign. Also that idon't make her happy either lol.

 

I wish there was a way to fix this and try to rebuild or make it better.

[Logo]

 

So she wants me to be the reason to call it off?

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not saying that definitively. I'm saying it's possible that since she has said that she doesn't want to hurt you and since you don't make her happy, then she's waiting for you to call it off, hence the excuses that are inconsistent, as you mentioned.

 

You can be straight with her. Tell her that you like her and that if she has concerns that you are willing to try and work through them. But if she wants to call it off then you can do that too if that'll make her happy. Use a gentle tone here. You want to tell her that you care, not that you want to wash your hands of her and walk away because it's easier.

 

Give her the option. I'm sorry. But I can't think of any other way to go about this other than to be direct and honest. If anything, it'll be as close to a mutual breakup as can be.

 

Like others have said, a honeymoon period that's only 3 weeks long is not a good sign.

[d0nnivain]

She is 22 years old

 

 

But i know she was depressed before me and i can see she is trying to project her being sad off on to me.

 

She is still learning to navigate the world & adult relationships.

 

If she is depressed before you ever met her, her statement that "she doesn't make you happy" is actually an expression of self doubt. Due to her depression, she thinks she's not worthy of love; that belief was reinforced by her 2 prior bad relationships. So she's saying "I don't make you happy" because she's terrified that you are going to leave her & she's turning that fear into a self fulfilling prophecy. Also she'd rather have a little hurt now, in the beginning, then a massive hurt if she actually let herself fall for you.

 

Problem is that she's a wounded bird. You won't be dating her. You will be trying to "save her." But you are not in charge of her mental health. She is the only one who can save herself. If you want a fixer-up project buy a run down house. Do not date damaged people thinking you can heal them.

[whichwayisup]

Basically she's telling you that she isn't in love with you.

 

If she isn't a happy person in general and is suffering from depression then nothing you can do or say will change her mindset and mood. If she is looking for someone to 'make her happy' she's going to be sadly mistaken and in the long run it'll do more damage to her. Sounds like she needs counseling and to learn to be happy and feel complete on her own before getting into a relationship.

 

You did nothing wrong. Sometimes things don't work, especially if one person is more invested than the other.