ekelly86 Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 If your spouse announced in front of your friends that you pay for your own wedding/engagement set, how would that make you feel? It happened to me and it upset/embarrassed me. My spouse says he didn't mean it that way, but I don't see how you could mean it any other way? It's a financial issue that has caused me to pay for my 5K ring, so that isn't an issue to me. Making it known was the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 It sounds to me like a strategy some folks use to get their way - he suddenly announces that "this is how it will be" in front of a group. IMO, when you don't instantly say no, you feel more committed - there is often added social pressure to do whatever was suggested. It's manipulative IMO, BUT we all need to have ways to make our way in the world. Next time he pulls this -consider not agreeing. If you do this, explain that you haven't agreed to that and want to discuss it further in private. That gives you some time to process your thoughts and have a hopefully more balanced discussion. You can let him pull this stuff on others, but not on you. Be careful to be calm about this. If HE's not calm and starts to "make a scene", that's a whole different level of manipulation and IMO would be a red flag. Keep the conversation calm on your end so he has no reason to escalate and hopefully whatever the next issue is can be worked out rationally. So you ended up paying for your wedding ring? That sounds a bit odd to me, but if it's ok with you (as you're in the better financial situation) then it's ok with you. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 I'm hearing that she's already paid for it herself and he was just telling people that. If I'm reading that right, I'm just saying don't do things you're ashamed of or would be ashamed of if other people found out. It's kind of a good rule to go by, even on something like this. Obviously, it bothers you he didn't pay for your ring, which is understandable. If it didn't bother you, you wouldn't care of people knew, but you know others will draw some conclusions from that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 maybe you need a new spouse? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 what? Do you think he loves you less because you paid for your engagement ring? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 It's a financial issue that has caused me to pay for my 5K ring, so that isn't an issue to me. So you paid for the ring(s), but as a point of pride wanted people to think he'd paid for them ? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 I'm of the opinion that such matters are intimate financial territory and ought not to be fodder for idle or casual conversation - regardless of whether they inspire pride or shame. Call me old fashioned. People do draw all sorts of conclusions about all sorts of things based on the circulatory patterns of little bits of metal and pieces of green paper and their various digital representations, and those conclusions are often wrong. As it sounds like there was no particular need or reason to divulge that, I don't think he should have. That's the sort of thing that I might talk about with a good friend who was asking for advice that somehow related to my own experience in a meaningful and potentially helpful way, by way of offering my perspective. I guess that's what I would say to my fiancé, if this sort of thing ever comes up between us. I don't think it will, though. I suspect he was explicitly taught at some point that money generally doesn't make for polite conversation outside of business and marriage. Hasn't that always been a thing - that it's poor manners to broadcast your financial details, whatever they might be? Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 Personally, I view a woman who purchases her own engagement ring as "better" than a woman who does not. If I were divulging that she bought her own ring, it would essentially be me "bragging" about how great she is. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 Sometimes people say stupid things and overshare without thinking. Do I understand why you felt upset? Absolutely! However, I think it is worth giving him the benefit of the doubt. It's entirely possible that he secretly feels really bad about it and was looking for other people to validate the decision and say it was okay. It clearly still a touchy subject for you, but perhaps you should try and look at it a little differently. Your husband couldn't afford to get the rings at the time, so you showed your commitment to your relationship by investing in the symbol of your love. That is something to be proud of, and hopefully it meant you got a ring you really wanted (not everyone gets that). I don't think there is any harm expressing your desire for discretion, if it makes you uncomfortable, but try not to be too hard on him about it. I think he may be feeling a little insecure about it, even if he doesn't say it. Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 Its a factual statement about what happened - I'm not sure what to tell you...... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 Its a factual statement about what happened I think there's a lot of "factual" statements in a relationship one partner or the other may not want blurted out at a friendly gathering. Hopefully the OP provides the same level of discretion she hopes for from him... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 l dunno , but a 5k ring WT, holy moly , think l'd let you pay for it too . l'd be scared to take my hand outside. Wonder if a 5k ring makes the marriage work. Link to post Share on other sites
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