I love my husband but I also love another man

[Rosepurple]

I’m very happily married and I love my husband dearly.

But I felll love with for another guy about an year ago, he knows I’m married.

He broke with me once but he’s back with me now.

I live in another city for work so he spends his life with me as a couple.

I go back home when I’m free and my life with my husband is wonderful.

It’s obviously not fair for either of them.

And a lot contributing factor that I’m staying at this job is for the guy. I don’t like it but if I quit it, I will have to move back but I can’t bare the life with out him either.

I honestly don’t know what to do.

I really do love them both very dearly.

I can’t have it all. But I don’t know what to do.

Has anybody ever been in this situation?

I keep wondering what’s wrong with me, my life is so good and why am I bringing this to myself?

But I really do love them both and I’ve never competed them with each other.

But there’s only so much one heart could take.

Any advice?

[BaileyB]

I honestly don’t know what to do.

I really do love them both very dearly.

 

Tell your husband. He will help you to make the decision...

[todreaminblue]

if you love your husband dearly tell him whats going on....in my beliefs love is honesty and everything good .....like trust first and foremost....faithfulness compassion ....and a lot of empathy...empathise and put yourself in your husbands shoes......what would you want him to do ...live the lie....or work through things with total honesty and love....as far as this other guy goes ....weigh it up......make your choice.....you are with a guy who doesnt give a damn about your marriage or your vows or your husband he shows your husband the ultimate in disrespect... a guy like that...when the challenge of another male is no longer there...might just drop you for the next married woman.....i dont hold much for his values and morals/.....

 

you are disrespecting your husband and making him be of little value in another mans eyes and ultimately of lesser value in your own eyes...because of you being able to deceive him...you are lessening the real love you shared.... and that you should have and still feel is lessening every clandestine meeting you have.........that to me doesnt show your love it shows love is going...going...soon it will be gone...lying deceit .....betrayal...selfishness...marriage killers...i suggest you come clean....

 

if you were my friend...i would support you in making good choices...being honest with your husband is a good choice....no matter the outcome...its the right thing to do for you and for sure...your husband

 

who probably doesnt want another guys seconds.....i wish you well and hope you choose your marriage ...and that you guys get some counselling and move on together..the only right choice is being honest with your husband get rid of the other guy leave the job get another one.......put your husband first .....and move on from there...as another poster said your husband should have a say...he has rights in a marriage just as you do.......ill pray for that.....deb

Edited April 23, 2019 by todreaminblue

[mark clemson]

Obviously this should not continue. It's a betrayal of your husband.

 

IF you decide to tell your H think carefully about what you might stand to gain vs. what you might lose. There will almost certainly be VERY significant pain to work through, but you could end up with a deeper and more honest bond. You may also end up divorced. It is the ethical thing to do, but in truth I think it is also a gamble once you've cheated.

 

Strongly suggest you consult a family attorney (many will do a free 1/2 hour) in your home state. In a few states there are laws that impact infidelity - it's not common, but if you happen to live in one of them it can be significant.

[whichwayisup]

I keep wondering what’s wrong with me, my life is so good and why am I bringing this to myself?

 

Time to do some soul searching and figure out why you allowed yourself to become close to another man? You say you're happily married and love your husband. What's missing inside of you that made you reach out and/or put yourself in a situation that could make you lose the life that you have at home with your husband?

 

If the situation was reversed would you want to know the truth? What if it was your husband that fell in love with another woman.. Would you forgive him and give him a chance to make it right?

 

Sooner or later your husband will find out. He probably knows something is 'off' but can't quite figure out what it is, his mind may wonder if you're cheating but he trusts you and thinks you wouldn't do that to him.

 

It's better for him to find out from you. Though you have to end your affair. Or, tell your H the truth and divorce him. Continuing to do this to him isn't right and you're hurting him, ruining what you have with him.

[oldlion]

What happens when your husband, one day, without telling you, visits you and walks in on you and the other man. This could very easily happen especially if he begins to suspect something. No matter how well you hide things you can never hide all the red flags. Eventually your husband is going to see one. When he sees one he's going to start looking for more. Take some advice from Abe Lincoln, "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Be prepared because you have a D-day in your future and when you do you are going to have one very hurt and angry husband. You know him so how do you think he will react. I do wish you well.

[oldlion]

One other thing. An affair cannot happen and continue without the trust the BS has for the WS. When you husband finds out, that trust he has in you is gone and will never return to 100%. He will never forget. I would check with an attorney in your state on what could happen if this comes to divorce. In the state I live in your husband could sue your other man for "alienation of affection". A couple years ago a man sued his wife's lover and was given 8.8 million. I don't know how your husband is natured but with me if someone deliberately hurts me I am subject to strike back twice as hard. You are digging a deep hole and have created a terrible mess in your life. When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. You are in one of those situations where no matter what decision you make it's going to hurt you and someone and cause some destruction, but you are still, eventually, going to have to make a decision. I do wish you well.

[Amethyst68]

Tell your husband and quit your job immediately. Oh I know you'll come back with a myriad of reasons who you simply can't do this and your life will continue. Until your husband, who maybe isn't as blind as you think, walks in on you and OM and your world shatters.

 

 

You are extremely entitled and selfish, you are playing with your husband's life and emotions. What gives you the right to do this? Tell him and give him back the right to make informed decisions about his life.

[Blind-Sided]

I know everyone is different... but cheating is a mortal sin in a relationship to me. Lying is #2. Put those together... and I would walk away, and take everything based on that.

 

 

You have put yourself in this position, and you have already broken your marriage. So, tell you husband because he's the one you had vows with. If he can live with it, and forgive you... then break it off with the other, and quit your job. If he's like me, and feels you did something unforgivable... then do the right thing, get a divorce, and move in with the man.

[central]

You really need to talk to your husband before you go any further. Regardless of what happens next, he deserves to know what's going on and decide for himself how to proceed for his sake. If you actually love him and care about him, you will do this even if it shuts down other options.

 

That said, if you are honestly and seriously in love with both (not just an infatuation, but of course in the early stages it is hard to tell which is which!), you may be polyamorous. If so, then you can either pursue it - WITH your husband's knowledge and consent - or you need to decide which relationship is most important to you and choose ONE (or perhaps neither, if being poly is something you decide you must pursue and neither is on-board with it, meaning you'd have to find someone who is supportive of poly relationships).

[aliveagain]

Your life has changed forever but the reality that comes with deception hasn't caught up with you yet. There is only one way out of this and you already know what that is. One of them has to go. I take it you have no children with your husband because you have not mentioned them. It's always exciting until everyone finds out. Why not let your husband have a girlfriend while your away, maybe he'll agree to an open marriage. Most men won't share their wives, nothing good is going to come from your deception. It's going to hurt like hell.

[Blondie539]

Talk with your husband. Tell him exactly how you're feeling. Allow him to be completely open and honest with you also. Hear him in his feelings and what will most likely be, his pain.

 

I am now separated from my partner of 10 years due to this exact reason. It was the most conflicting feeling of my life because I too felt that I loved my partner. That we were "happy". Now that I am no longer with him, I can see that I wasn't happy and in love. He knows everything about me falling in love with another man, he knows I love him dearly (no matter how hard I tried to bury those feelings) and he supports me in it all. He often says he would still like to be with me, regardless of who has my heart. He's a good man and he deserves a woman that will love him fully. We share a child together and we're both extremely present parents. Nothing about the situation is easy but a choice had to be made so that I wasn't hurting multiple people in the process.

 

Are you and your husband generally able to be honest with each other? Does your husband seem to sense your heart is elsewhere?

[lolita888]

Lol your post reminds me of the song "Torn between two lovers".

 

 

Anyway, I think you should tell your husband. If you fell for someone else then that's a really big problem. Let your husband know, he has the right to decide whether he should still be a husband to you or free himself.

[seren]

You cannot be in love with them both, to betray someone who trusts you is not love. I am assuming the other man is aware you are married and that your husband doesn’t know, please give him the gift of making an informed choice about his life. Right now you and the OM are living your lives as you choose while your husband is living a lie.

 

To say you love him while doing something that will hurt him, forever, is insulting to him. Tell him, maybe he will be happy for you to have a life as a couple while you live away and maybe he would welcome that choice for himself, or maybe not.

[Cali408]

Leave your husband and go to the other guy. Watch the heart break as he will be blindsided. Watch your friends and relatives take is side and ostracize you. Watch your quality of life go down by 50% because you'll have less money.

 

 

Your other man is on his best behavior, watch as you start to notice all his flaws, and the ones that drive you crazy that you never knew about.

 

 

 

The grass is always greener except by the septic tank because we know what that's full of.

 

 

 

Invest in batteries and a rabbit.

[michzz]

Nothing says love like finding out you have a sexually-transmitted infection that only could have gotten from your spouse.

 

Don't let that be your husband's potential fate. It happened to me and the HPV has given my a throat cancer years later--stage 4 is incredibly expensive to treat and very hard to endure the radiation/chemo, life changing events.

 

Think that can't be you? Think again.

 

Stop cheating. Inform your husband, quit that job that lets you play house with a man willing to intrude on a marriage.

 

Think he has no other playmate when you're gone? Ha!

[Tristian]

Since the OP hasn't returned since starting this thread we'll shut it down. As always the OP can request the thread reopened via an alert on this post.