MsJayne Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 The Background - One of my sisters, (very controlling woman, money-obsessed, pretentious, very smug and holier-than-thou, wants desperately to be in charge of our aging mothers money), some time ago said something to our mother which she knew had the potential to start a huge rift between our mother and myself and my other sister. While it didn't have the desired effect, it did alert me to the fact that this sister has been badmouthing myself and the third sister for years to other family members, etc. As a result I haven't spoken to her for 3+ years. My other sister and I have been painted very badly by her and I'm disgusted by this and believe she should acknowledge her behaviour and apologise. The bad-mouthing was confirmed when her DIL came to stay with me a few weeks ago. The reason I was so angry about it is that we had a fourth sister who died in 2014, and prior to her death she was chief of smear campaigns in our family and caused so much resentment and dysfunction that we all barely spoke to her. When she died I thought maybe our family could heal and live happily ever after. (What was I thinking!? *Eye Roll*) The problem - We have a relative coming from overseas this December, and the plan is to have our relatively small family all gather at my mothers house for a rare family Christmas, except for me. I refuse to sit at the same dinner table as someone who has said awful things about me and then insulted me further by refusing to apologise. I could not possibly sit in the same room as her and not say anything to her, (especially not over a Christmas turkey when there's a carving knife hovering at the ready). My questions - Do I have the right to expect other family to side with me? Should they have spoken up and told her she's wrong to gossip and undermine people? Am I being unreasonable by refusing to attend? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 Am I being unreasonable by refusing to attend? Would seem you'd be depriving yourself of the Christmas company of those family members you actually want to see. Like you, I have a large family with a few stinkers and some outright troublemakers. I attend those gatherings I can with a pleasant demeanor and a smile on my face, refusing to be drawn into drama, gossip or arguments. Trust me, the people you care about know who the bad apples are. Take the high road... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 I'm right there with Mr. Right. Most of my family is great, and the few that I don't like... I just try not to talk to. But for the most part... those people aren't invited to the normal family gatherings. Take the high road, and visit the family members you like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 This was not your question, but if there is inheritance money involved here IMO you should be very concerned. I know more than one adult who is estranged from sibilings and other family due to inheritance issues. They tell stories similar to what you say about your sister, including the badmouthing/alienation. This is all just my opinion, but if there's anything valuable at stake, I would suggest NOT letting your sister become sole executrix/trustee of your mother's estate. I think this is likely to result in a court battle IF you're in a position to afford it; otherwise you will simply get screwed. My advice would be to be VERY wary about this apsect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 I don't think you should expect others to take your side and boycott the family gathering. I think you should go to the family gathering, as well. As I always say, "Kill 'em with kindness." Their behavior (and gossip) is a reflection on them, not you. I suspect people who really know you, probably know the truth. Don't deny yourself a chance to reconnect with a relative visiting from overseas! Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 Do I have the right to expect other family to side with me? No, it's not fair to expect family to take your side in a fight between you and one other family member. I think most reasonable people generally take the stance of "There are two sides to every story" and try to stay out of it. Should they have spoken up and told her she's wrong to gossip and undermine people? Maybe, but you can't hold it against them. You can't expect other people to fight your battles when they're not really directly involved. Am I being unreasonable by refusing to attend? Yeah, I think so. I think a lot of people (moms especially) find it important to have all of the family together. I think you would just be hurting yourself and certain other family members by not attending. All of that said, though, maybe we're just not understanding the level of betrayal you experienced. What did your sister do/say that was so wrong? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted April 26, 2019 Share Posted April 26, 2019 Come on. What is this, the playground? I remember being 11 and 12 years old and that childish nonsense with kids taking sides against each other and wanting everyone else to choose sides because that's what kids do - act like kids. But then, hopefully we grow up and become adults. Be a grownup and attend Christmas dinner at your mother's house and make her happy for a huge change. I'm sure your mother is sick to death of the childish back-biting she's been dealing with for years between all her supposed adult children. Get over yourselves, knock off the childish playground tactics of expecting others to 'take your side,' and be the bigger ADULT and go to the family dinners at your mother's house and make her happy! She's not going to be around forever so don't do something you'll regret. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 The rest of the family should be able to make up their own minds about who your sister really is. As the other have already said, take the high road. If it should get ugly, just leave. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 Is your other sister who was also black-mouthed by the “bad” sister attending the X’mas dinner? If yes, has she made peace with all this? Why do you think the “bad” sister was bad-mouthing you? Is there money involved in all this? Are you fighting to get your mother’s inheritance? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 If you don't feel like you can attend this dinner then you are within your rights not to go. Definitely don't go if you think you won't be able to stop yourself from making a scene. Years ago when there was drama in my family I noticed that my middle brother never said anything. He never took sides or even really gave his opinion. It was somewhat frustrating for me because I was close to him and I wanted him to commiserate with me and favor me over whoever was making me miserable. After awhile I began to envy his position. His refusal to get involved in family arguments and drama made his life a lot more peaceful and free of stress. Furthermore he truly didn't care what anyone in the family thought or said about him. Rarely did anyone ever express a negative opinion about him but when it happened he didn't even get annoyed or offended. He would just sort of be amused by it and continue to live his life as he saw fit without seeing a need to argue or defend his choices to anyone else. I started to follow his example and as a result we are not pulled into any family drama. Nobody bothers with us when they want to complain or argue because they know we're of no use, lol. We're not going to gossip or pick sides or defend ourselves against petty accusations. When I go to family gatherings I enjoy myself. I don't care who is saying what or who is doing what. They can work their problems out themselves without pulling me in. Don't ask me to pick sides, I don't even want to hear about it. That being said, there is no money in my family or inheritances. The money I make is all the money I'll ever have so I really don't need my family for anything other than their good company, so they better be good company, lol, and they are. I enjoy seeing them. For all I know they may be gossiping up a storm about me when I'm not around. I don't know and I don't care. I don't do family drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 Don't expect anyone to boycott if they don't want to. But by all means, don't go. I wouldn't. If there's money concerns, get an attorney. I've honestly never been through an estate settlement where there wasn't one supervising, and I've been through three. Link to post Share on other sites
RedBaron2765 Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 If you don't feel like you can attend this dinner then you are within your rights not to go. Definitely don't go if you think you won't be able to stop yourself from making a scene. Years ago when there was drama in my family I noticed that my middle brother never said anything. He never took sides or even really gave his opinion. It was somewhat frustrating for me because I was close to him and I wanted him to commiserate with me and favor me over whoever was making me miserable. After awhile I began to envy his position. His refusal to get involved in family arguments and drama made his life a lot more peaceful and free of stress. Furthermore he truly didn't care what anyone in the family thought or said about him. Rarely did anyone ever express a negative opinion about him but when it happened he didn't even get annoyed or offended. He would just sort of be amused by it and continue to live his life as he saw fit without seeing a need to argue or defend his choices to anyone else. I started to follow his example and as a result we are not pulled into any family drama. Nobody bothers with us when they want to complain or argue because they know we're of no use, lol. We're not going to gossip or pick sides or defend ourselves against petty accusations. When I go to family gatherings I enjoy myself. I don't care who is saying what or who is doing what. They can work their problems out themselves without pulling me in. Don't ask me to pick sides, I don't even want to hear about it. That being said, there is no money in my family or inheritances. The money I make is all the money I'll ever have so I really don't need my family for anything other than their good company, so they better be good company, lol, and they are. I enjoy seeing them. For all I know they may be gossiping up a storm about me when I'm not around. I don't know and I don't care. I don't do family drama. This is good advice. My wife's older sister is full of drama, and is always getting my wife in the middle (and my wife allows herself to be drawn in because she's afraid of upsetting her sister by telling her to knock off the drama). All I can say is that our life would be much less complicated if my wife would have stood up to her sister after her most recent divorce (she's had multiple), as it would have nipped a lot of these things in the bud. And much like the OP's sister, she wants to be controlling and thinks she knows everything (which is a joke as she's the epitome of an idiot). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MsJayne Posted May 1, 2019 Author Share Posted May 1, 2019 Come on. What is this, the playground? I remember being 11 and 12 years old and that childish nonsense with kids taking sides against each other and wanting everyone else to choose sides because that's what kids do - act like kids. But then, hopefully we grow up and become adults. Be a grownup and attend Christmas dinner at your mother's house and make her happy for a huge change. I'm sure your mother is sick to death of the childish back-biting she's been dealing with for years between all her supposed adult children. Get over yourselves, knock off the childish playground tactics of expecting others to 'take your side,' and be the bigger ADULT and go to the family dinners at your mother's house and make her happy! She's not going to be around forever so don't do something you'll regret. How about you keep your nasty and ignorant opinions to yourself? As a matter of fact my mother has a mental disorder, and it was her who started all the competitive crap in our family in the first place. You're way out of line with that reply. Fool. Link to post Share on other sites
charliefrog Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 "I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln I really like it! Link to post Share on other sites
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