I didn't ask for this **Updated**

[ashteller]

Hey,

 

So my girlfriend broke up with me a week ago because I was not giving her space and I was too clingy and needy. I wanted more attention and affection from her and she wanted to do less and spend less time together and have more time alone. Anyways I knew i was but i didn't mean to be. I didn't ask her to take me back, i admitted my faults and apologized. She was very distant with me for 2 days after the breakup. On the third day she sent me a text out of nowhere

 

"lol xD hey. I love you so so much ...and I really want us to work. You know? We can do this. We can. We just can't be against each other...this is our relationship...not a battle. We aren't enemies...or at least we shouldn't be..."

 

So she reached out to me to get back together which i also want. But now yesterday she talked with a mutual friend of ours how she is not happy with me and she is unsure if she wants to be in a relationship together.

 

I just don't get why she would be positive about getting back and then flip again.

[Thingsfallapart]

Unfortunately it’s not supernatural...

She tried to monkey branch out of your relationship but got pumped and dumped and now she is back on your doorstep but the other guy showed her some attention again so she is stuck between two branches

[mark clemson]

Possible. Or she's just not that into you (at least right now) and is in the process of sorting out her feelings. She's oscillating between liking you enough to continue the relationship and not.

[Mr. Lucky]

P She's oscillating between liking you enough to continue the relationship and not.

 

I'd guess this is it. Many people like the relationship experience, it's nice having someone else to partner with. But they're not always 100% thrilled with the partner themselves, as she's tried to tell you.

 

You might have to accept, if you get back together, the relationship could look somewhat different going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ChatroomHero]

Well, aside from something abnormal going on with her in general, you know what you have with her. You have a woman that will push you away at times, change her mind about you between loving and loathing at random times. She'll say one thing to your face and another behind your back to friends. This is what you know and this is all the evidence you have of who she is. To think somehow she will just suddenly change is a disservice to yourself. If you accept who she is versus your ideal projection of her, it doesn't seem like there is a lot of potential.

 

 

The one thing I look for/expect in a relationship is trust. By that I mean she will be on my side even if we argue. She won't push me away and leave me confused. If she needs time alone I can tell it is not because she doesn't want to see me or doesn't want to deal with me, she just needs time alone...and you can usually tell the difference between the two.

 

 

If I have to live day to day waiting for the other shoe to drop, or worry that Monday at 4:00pm she professes undying love for me and then Tuesday at 8:00am she ignores a text for a day, or tells me she needs time away from me, or tells a friend she is not sure how she feels about me...I lose all trust and don't want to go through that. Things could be great for 8 months and I am on cloud 9, then you go out and have a great night but at the end she seems off and says something like she is not sure how she feels and you go from cloud 9 to the bottom of the bottom in a matter of seconds. Then you get to look back and probably realize the last 8 months was a lie and everything that made you happy was probably just her deceiving you. That type of relationship makes me miserable.

[Orokotikki]

How long were you together and how old are the two of you?

[d0nnivain]

She told you she wanted to get back together & make this work. Ignore what you heard from the mutual friend because that did not come straight from her.

 

Call her up & ask her on a proper date but do not blow up her phone. be chill & let her come to you. She needs to see you not being needy & clingy. Then she will come around & be more positive in all her communications about your relationship. If you go to her in a panic reporting what the mutual friend said she will run for the hills because you will be back to being that same Cling-on she is trying to avoid.

[ashteller]

She told you she wanted to get back together & make this work. Ignore what you heard from the mutual friend because that did not come straight from her.

 

Call her up & ask her on a proper date but do not blow up her phone. be chill & let her come to you. She needs to see you not being needy & clingy. Then she will come around & be more positive in all her communications about your relationship. If you go to her in a panic reporting what the mutual friend said she will run for the hills because you will be back to being that same Cling-on she is trying to avoid.

Well, aside from something abnormal going on with her in general, you know what you have with her. You have a woman that will push you away at times, change her mind about you between loving and loathing at random times. She'll say one thing to your face and another behind your back to friends. This is what you know and this is all the evidence you have of who she is. To think somehow she will just suddenly change is a disservice to yourself. If you accept who she is versus your ideal projection of her, it doesn't seem like there is a lot of potential.

 

 

The one thing I look for/expect in a relationship is trust. By that I mean she will be on my side even if we argue. She won't push me away and leave me confused. If she needs time alone I can tell it is not because she doesn't want to see me or doesn't want to deal with me, she just needs time alone...and you can usually tell the difference between the two.

 

 

If I have to live day to day waiting for the other shoe to drop, or worry that Monday at 4:00pm she professes undying love for me and then Tuesday at 8:00am she ignores a text for a day, or tells me she needs time away from me, or tells a friend she is not sure how she feels about me...I lose all trust and don't want to go through that. Things could be great for 8 months and I am on cloud 9, then you go out and have a great night but at the end she seems off and says something like she is not sure how she feels and you go from cloud 9 to the bottom of the bottom in a matter of seconds. Then you get to look back and probably realize the last 8 months was a lie and everything that made you happy was probably just her deceiving you. That type of relationship makes me miserable.

 

 

I agree. Well this morning i sent her a paragraph talking about stuff and explaining myself. I said i will always love you and that i believe in us. I sent that at like 5am, she responded at 5pm saying "i love you too, i'm going to walk my dog" that was it to everything i said.

 

I also replied 20 minutes later saying to have fun and i asked her how her day was, she read it but did not reply and it's 4 hours later, she has been on social media and stuff.

 

Why is it so hard to give space? Like i feel like talking/texting is what will fix stuff but apparently it doesn't?

[basil67]

Ashteller, yes I can see where it went wrong. Sending an explanatory text was unnecessary. And sending it at 5am was bizarre. You've done yourself no favours here.

[Happy Lemming]

She tried to monkey branch out of your relationship but got pumped and dumped and now she is back on your doorstep but the other guy showed her some attention again so she is stuck between two branches

 

I agree with this explanation.

 

Occam's Razor...

[Mr. Lucky]

Why is it so hard to give space? Like i feel like talking/texting is what will fix stuff but apparently it doesn't?

 

Sending long and/or multiple texts and then hanging on the (lack of) response isn't "giving space"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ashteller]

Sending long and/or multiple texts and then hanging on the (lack of) response isn't "giving space"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

What do you do then? So literally you don't call or text at all no matter what? You just wait for the person to reach out to you? What if it takes days?

 

Alright so she has an important thing going on today. Am i supposed to not text or call her at all to wish her the best or ask how it went?

[d0nnivain]

Why is it so hard to give space? Like i feel like talking/texting is what will fix stuff but apparently it doesn't?

 

It's hard for you to give space because you feel off balance about things. Your instinct -- which is dead wrong -- is to try to pull her closer. Instead you would best to remember this:

 

If you love somebody let them go. If they come back they are yours. If they do not, they never were.

 

You have to give her a chance to breathe & stop smothering her.

 

You also did exactly what you were advised not to do. While talking will help, TEXTING will make it all worse. Sending a paragraph is you being a pest. Responding immediately to her post about walking her dog which did not address whatever your paragraph said was another mistake. You come across as being glued to your phone begging for any little scraps she throws your way rather then being an independent person who she finds desirable. If it takes days for her to respond, you wait. At this point if you do anything other than wait it's over. All she will see is a Stage 5 Cling On who she doesn't want.

 

Put your phone down & do anything else other then look at her social media posts.

[ashteller]

So with my current relationship experience, hearing of others' and reminded of my past ones.

 

Why is a relationship a struggle?

 

Like someone posted elsewhere that if a person is interested, they will act interested.

 

What if they really are interested and in love with you but they are annoyed with you and want space and for you to back off?

 

Like some of you know my other post situation.

 

So my girlfriend is super distant now, we don't physically see each other because of being so busy, but even now our text/call is limited.

 

But over the past day or two, i have been feeling ignored which we usually at least stay in touch decently well through our phones. I know she wants space, the stuff i have texted her about she doesn't respond to now, but she will say, "i love you too" like however i tell her i love her she says it the same way back. If i say i love you so much, -she will respond even if it's 2 hours later "i love you so much too"

 

So overall i would question her interest because she is calling back and wants space, but she assures me she loves me through text, but she doesnt show it?

 

Like she says it but her actions don't show it. I mean she doesn't have to respond at all so i guess responding "i love you so much too" is showing it.

[ashteller]

It's hard for you to give space because you feel off balance about things. Your instinct -- which is dead wrong -- is to try to pull her closer. Instead you would best to remember this:

 

If you love somebody let them go. If they come back they are yours. If they do not, they never were.

 

You have to give her a chance to breathe & stop smothering her.

 

You also did exactly what you were advised not to do. While talking will help, TEXTING will make it all worse. Sending a paragraph is you being a pest. Responding immediately to her post about walking her dog which did not address whatever your paragraph said was another mistake. You come across as being glued to your phone begging for any little scraps she throws your way rather then being an independent person who she finds desirable. If it takes days for her to respond, you wait. At this point if you do anything other than wait it's over. All she will see is a Stage 5 Cling On who she doesn't want.

 

Put your phone down & do anything else other then look at her social media posts.

 

I greatly appreciate this, so even though it was 20 minutes later that i replied that's still too soon?

 

So since the get go it's been consistent with her long response times. I average 5 minute response times lol, but the times i am busy and its over 30 minutes without responding to her, she sends me a "hello?" Text or "alright i got you" as if because i'm taking so long to respond and if that happens she becomes irritated.

 

To add, -she doesn't like talking on the phone though, texting works best for her communicating.

 

But i guess i will not ask how her day is going and act like i am by myself and have noone to care about

[d0nnivain]

Stop thinking in terms of minutes. 20 HOURS would have been better.

 

She doesn't like talking to YOU on the phone. If she was as into you are obsessed with her, she'd love hearing your voice.

 

Do not send her another message asking how her day way. Wait until you hear from her & even then unless her message is urgent as in I'm dying please send an ambulance, wait at least one hour to get back to her. Yes, that has some aspect of game playing to it but you need to learn patience.

[SevenCity]

Unfortunately it’s not supernatural...

She tried to monkey branch out of your relationship but got pumped and dumped and now she is back on your doorstep but the other guy showed her some attention again so she is stuck between two branches

 

Agree. Though the OP’s behavior is pushing her further which is actually good because he shouldn’t be chasing a woman who doesn’t want him and is likely keeping him around until she lands a firm grasp on a new branch.

[d0nnivain]

You are seeking instant gratification. Just because we have the ability to be connected 24/7 does not mean we have that obligation or that some text is a proper substitute for a genuine connection.

 

Today is Wednesday. You have already sent too many messages & they were the wrong ones. You would have been better served skipping whatever paragraph you wrote her & arranging an actual date where you see each other this weekend. Failing to take that initiative to make sure you two get together is what is really killing this relationship. A bunch of cold text messages even ones that profess love is not a relationship.

 

"I'm too busy" is an excuse. When you want to be with somebody you find the time. The summer after grad school when my then BF & I were each studying for our licensing exams & both working, we managed to have lunch for an hour every work day & a date on the weekends. This was all before cell phones & email. When I first met my husband he had a FT job, a PT job & was going to school. I owned my own business, has 2 PT jobs, served on 3 Boards of Trustees & was the caregiver to my elderly parents. Still we saw each other 2-3 times per week even if we just met for an hour & had ice cream.

[BaileyB]

People who are truly interested, show their interest. Especially early in a relationship.

 

If there is a disconnect between her words and he actions, I would pay attention to her actions.

 

I will say, when you love each other and the relationship is good... you will be amazed at how easy a relationship can be. Relationships don’t have to be a struggle. If they are, that’s a big a red flag that something is not right.

[ashteller]

People who are truly interested, show their interest. Especially early in a relationship.

 

If there is a disconnect between her words and he actions, I would pay attention to her actions.

 

I will say, when you love each other and the relationship is good... you will be amazed at how easy a relationship can be. Relationships don’t have to be a struggle. If they are, that’s a big a red flag that something is not right.

 

Ok, how about thinking about this in the context of her wanting space? Does your explanation change if her behavior is because she wants space?

[BaileyB]

People who are interested in the other person and enjoying a relationship don’t want space.

 

Perhaps, if you’ve been married or living together for years, or if you want to be with her 24/7, she may want some space.

 

But, if this is a new relationship and she is already telling you that she wants space, it doesn’t bode well for this relationship... Why is she annoyed with you? Is it because you are actually asking to spend time with her?

 

It sounds to me like you are trying to make it work with a woman who does not truly reciprocate your feelings. Be sure that you are not settling, you have very right to date someone who wants to be with you...

 

ETA: I read your previous posts. This woman broke up with you, then decided she wanted you again, and now is telling you that you are two clingy and she wants space again... either, she is playing games or doesn’t know what she wants, or something is really wrong with what you are doing. I would guess that it is the latter - she sounds immature and not ready to have a committed relationship. People who are really interested and care about you don’t do this to you... You should really consider finding someone else to date.

Edited April 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[chillii]

Yep sorry to say but sometimes the words love are thrown around way way too easily.

The fact that you hardly see each other and yet she wants space , well , doesn't look real good sorry.

[mark clemson]

OP, strongly suggest you do some internet research on "Attachment Styles".

[preraph]

If two people love each other and are compatible, then it's not a struggle. Unfortunately, there are people you can love in some ways but not be able to get along with or live with or make a life with. And there are also people, especially younger ones, who just like to "play house" and pretend to love one another via texting instead of in real life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Stop thinking in terms of minutes. 20 HOURS would have been better.

 

She doesn't like talking to YOU on the phone. If she was as into you are obsessed with her, she'd love hearing your voice.

 

Do not send her another message asking how her day way. Wait until you hear from her & even then unless her message is urgent as in I'm dying please send an ambulance, wait at least one hour to get back to her. Yes, that has some aspect of game playing to it but you need to learn patience.

 

Brutally honest and accurate. ashteller, neediness is never attractive...

 

Mr. Lucky