Is this emtional abuse?

[sparticuss]

Lets see.

He doens't like cameras so rolls his eyes.

Who's abusing who? Him by rolling his eyes or you by going ahead a photograping him anyway.

 

Lets try another example a little closer to your heart.

You're coming out of the shower just wearing lace bra and panties, and he snaps a picture.

 

He gets it developed and carrries a copy in his wallet. And shows it round the bar whenever the discussion goes to who has the sexiest wife.

 

And you complain about it.

Who's abusing who?. He's proud of you.

 

Is he abusing you for showing "sluttty" photos of you round the bar. Or are you abusing him for complaining about them.?

[sparticuss]

Confused

Be very very careful where you get your information from. Some of the web sites for instance, are actual web sites of acredited DV centres. Darebin womens shelter, where I am gettng my information from is acredited.

 

But many sites are nothing more that backyard sites, started by an individual manbasher, with no qualifications whatsoever using the victims of genuine domestic violence as an excuse to go man bashing. They list absolutely all behaviours as abuse. Eg hes bothering you for sex, - thats rape in marriage. Hes not - thats neglect.

 

And Oprah is even worse. Thats groups of women, with hoplessly bloated, and fragile egos, trying to make themselves look better by badmouthing everyone or everyting else. Oprah has ended up being convicted on more than one slander adn libel charge and should have been convicted far more often than that.

 

Most of her guests have NO qualifications in the topics that they rant about.

 

By all means surf the sites but surf them with an open mind.

 

Now the following is going to stir up a real hornets nest but it has to be done in order to take a balanced approach to this business.

 

 

 

Try this collection, of definitions of battered wives, from the Darebin Community Centre in Northcote Australia

 

• Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?

• Are you told what to do, when to do it, what to wear?

• Do you have to account for your time?

• Are you forced to have sex when you don't want to?

• Are you made to feel scared?

• Are you hit, kicked or pushed around? Do you have things thrown at, or near you?

• Are you cut off from family and friends?

• Is your partner possessive or jealous?

• Does your partner control you and the money?

 

 

Typical examples of wife abuse? Think again.

 

• Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?

 

- The average husband DOES feel as if he’s walking on eggshells every time his bowels fail suddenly, and he makes a hasty dash from the garden to the toilet with anything on his boots. (If a wife threw up in his car, with a touch of morning sickness, and he yelled at her, it would certainly be listed as abuse.)

 

• Are you told what to do, when to do it, what to wear?

 

- The average husband is told what to do by his wife absolutely all the time. Including how to do things that she has no knowledge of.

Something goes wrong and the average wife is promptly screaming at her husband “DO SOMETHING” That’s domestic violence! That’s husband bashing!

(A great many wives still take some sort of sick pride in this paticular form of husband bashing frequently bragging to the girlfriends about how helpless her husband would be if she wasn’t there to tell him what to do. I know I’m gettting confrontational now but how many times have you heard these control freaks, actually boasting about the way that they abuse their husbands in this manner ?)

 

What to wear?

Wife- Does my bum look big in this.

Husband - Yea it does sorta. Doesn't look big in that one and that one makes you look sexier all round.

(Yes! Even though the wife has asked, and even though the final decision is hers, a lot of DV centres still list this sort of innocent conversation as wife bashing.

 

• Do you have to account for your time?

 

- The average husband does have to account for his time. Each and every time he works back late. He’s routinely accused of infidelity even though he’s got the overtime money to prove otherwise. The real truth is that the workplace often feels more like a home than his home. Particularly if home means “walking on eggshells” all the time.

 

• Are you made to feel scared?

 

- The average WIFE is bred and conditioned from the earliest years to view men as vile, and dangerous creatures. So even something as innocent as the husband swearing at the %^&* ^&* of a ^&* bolt on the %^&* car that won't %^&* come un done, is all too often enough to genuinely convince the average wife that hes on the verge of hitting her.

When in fact he's completely forgotten her. And every thing else except this %^&* ^&* of a ^&* bolt on the %^&* car.

 

• Are you hit, kicked or pushed around? Do you have things thrown at, or near you?

 

- The average husband is hit, kicked, and pushed around. The shelters and the law list every angry shove, by a short tempered husband, as wife bashing. Is there a single female on these board who as NEVER, given her man an impatient shove?

 

• Are you cut off from family and friends?

 

- The average husband is very much cut off from family and friends. Her family is welcome in the home, his are not. His friends are usually his workmates and they are not welcomed into the home.

 

 

 

Confused has certainly got one thing dead right. All of these forms of abuse are still abuse. Blood doesn’t need to flow before abuse occurs.

 

But all of these forms of abuse are considered the normal way to treat a husband in most of society.

 

A man, even talking back, or expressing his own opinions, is rapidly being listed as a wife basher these days. A wife, continually hurling, both abuse, and kitchen knives, at a husband is rarely listed as a husband basher. Not even when the man is dragged into hospital with a gushing jugular vein. A woman has to actually kill her husband, or her bash victims have to be children before she is charged

[new and confused]

Sparticuss - I debated about typing a reply. While I agree with you about many points. It's not me. I know women who treat their husbands this way. I don't know what I typed to give you this impression of me.

 

He does control the time I spend with friends. At least questioned it so much that I no longer have but a few friends. He even complains about time I spend attending church. Even though he goes out at least twice a week with his pals. His parents visit two or three times a week, EVERY week. I visit my family while he's working. Then I don't tell him because he would want to know why I spent that much time there. Yes I have to account for my cell minutes, car mileage, etc. He spents so much money that now I'm bound by a small amount of $ to pay the basics.

 

I don't think he's being abused.

[Roo-bie2]

New and confuse,

 

I hope you don't take offence to people like sparticuss questioning you. Many people think it is wrong to question a victim this way.

 

There is some realities that women need to admit to, some of our actions can be abusive also......I use to blame my abusive alcoholic dad for everything. As I grew up and matured I realized something as physically abusive as my dad was my mother was/is. As wrong as my dad was my mom was. My dad might have thrown fist my mom threw words and household objects.

 

Two wrongs do not make a right. My first marriage was horrible. One of the biggest reasons was ME!! After my divorce I took an good look at myself and figured out why I picked a jerk. I treated my ex very poorly. My behavior was ABUSIVE. I didn’t see it that way at the time but now I do.

 

I cannot change him but I can change myself and how I respond to other people.

 

This might very well be a situation you need to get out of , I am not living in your shoes.

 

I also had to learn that other people are not responsible for my happiness.

 

I had to dig deep in myself to learn why I choose a jerk. Please take time to look into why you choose a guy that was looking for a woman to allowed to be bullied. If you do not figure this out then you will always find yourself stuck with the jerks in this world.

 

Many woman’s groups hate making the victim to feel at fault. They go to such an extreme they fail to help women realize their part so these women go from one abuser to the next. You are a fully capable person that choose a jerk, this might have been a one time thing (we are all have them in our past) but if you are sitting there asking why do you find all the jerks please look into yourself. You are making the decision and getting charmed by the wrong things.

 

((((hugs to you))) May you be blessed enough to get through this and find someone worth your love.

 

 

**********Please understand I don't think it is right for an abuser to abuse. I don't think victims choose to be victims but make bad choices that make them the victim. In these types of situation until we help the victim understand how their choices got them there they will always end up a victim