25 (nearly 26) y/o male virgin

[Roland Deschain]

Hi Loveshack,

 

I'm new here and this is my first post - the title more-or-less covers it but I'll give a bit more detail and would really appreciate some help/advice.

 

P.S. Advice from people in a similar position would be really welcome

 

I'll get straight to the point, I'm a 25 y/o virgin and when I say that I mean never kissed a girl, never shared a movie night together, never had a girl's phone number etc...

 

The most frustrating thing is that my physical aspect is not the problem; it's psychological. It's not helped by the fact that most people would be surprised by my secret (some would probably say it was unbelievable and that I was making it up) which doesn't help.

 

One of the reasons I'm so worried about it is most people are past my stage and it's a burdensome thing for a girl to have to deal with, especially if she's been used to more experienced guys and is experience herself.

 

Further, I'm scared of the vulnerability of it i.e. it exposes me to all sorts of ridicule and I'm into sport and have played semi-professional football (soccer) for many years so don't want to give the impression that I'm a loser.

 

Hopefully the above can prompt some advice from you guys - girls please let me know you're thoughts...does being a virgin at my age = loser, not worth bothering with, just give up now, is it weird, off-putting or is it not a big deal? (I suspect the latter where most girls are concerned but, like I said, my problem is a psychological one.

 

Thanks in advance for your advice guys.

 

Cheers

[Els]

Hey gunslinger,

 

 

Virginity or lack thereof doesn't really mean anything. H was only ever with one girl sexually before me, and even that not "all the way". No impediment there, he's been giving me the big Os almost every time we have sex from the very start. I personally think that a man who's educated on female anatomy/sexuality, open-minded, and willing to learn, is going to trump a guy who's "banged" a dozen girls (but never brought them to orgasm).

 

 

I do find it a bit concerning that you've never asked a girl for her number. Why not? That may be the bigger issue here. It's still not too late, but you should start.

[ExpatInItaly]

At your age, I don't think it's going to be as big of a deal for many of your female peers as you fear.

 

Sure, they are probably going to be a bit surprised, but some might actually find it refreshing. I'm nearing 40 now, but imagining myself as a 25-year-old girl, I don't think I would have been immediately put off by a guy without a lot of sexual experience.

 

I would, however, wonder why you had not had any dating experience either, so I would be prepared to talk a bit about that if a girl asks. Would you say you lack confidence in general, and this is why you have never dated? Were there other cultural or religious factors at play? There are ways to manage a delicate conversation about it without revealing all your cards, so to speak.

[Simple Logic]

When you walk down the street can you determine the virgins, women who have never had a orgasm, and men with ED by looking at them?

 

Don’t tell and no one will know about you either.

[Roland Deschain]

Hey,

 

Thanks for your comment, appreciated.

 

I get the distinction between a guy who is out to gains some notches vs a guy who actually cares about the woman. I also get that experience doesn't necessarily entail an attentive/'effective' (if that's the right word) partner - but some experience has to be better than none.

 

On to your second point, I've never really talked to a girl; I just assumed my virginity was a hindrance so never really bothered. Sounds ridiculous I know, but that's the vicious circle I'm in...

 

P.S. You got the username haha! Are you a Stephen King fan?

[Roland Deschain]

Hey ExpatinItaly!

 

Thanks for your message.

 

I guess my lack of dating experience is due to me writing myself off for being a virgin so I focused on other things in life other than dating - it's only recently that I've realised that I've neglected (totally ignored and shunned) that side of life because of fear of ridicule.

[Roland Deschain]

Hey Simple Logic!

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

With respect, I find myself disagreeing with you; granted, in the street it is impossible to tell just from a glance but once I became more intimate with someone, it would inevitably become totally obvious.

[smackie9]

Like a lot of anxiety issues, yours is common. You need exposure therapy...that's exposing yourself to situations to get over your fear of intimacy. If you don't seek professional help now, it will be a continual force in your life.

[Roland Deschain]

Hey Smackie9,

 

Can you elaborate on what you mean by 'professional' help?

[Tribble]

It's super easy to say and so difficult to do but... you need to relax.

 

It's easy to compare your situation to what you think your peers are doing or have done. But truth be known, you don't know what is going on in others lives. My BF was inexperienced when we started dating (he was 25, nearly 26) but it didn't bother me. He had this idea that he was the only one, but that is so far from the truth, I think it's a lot more common than you would think.

 

I do wish he had been more upfront (I didn't know until we had difficulty the first time) so I could have been aware and more prepared but in the long run, it doesn't really matter.

 

I always thought I'd want someone more experienced because I have some hangups myself and prefer someone to take the lead. But at the end of the day, there is so much more to a relationship than sex and previous experience really doesn't matter at all.

[mark clemson]

So - Tinder and condoms. Dress well and use deodorant. Since you are matched you have permission to initiate (or allow her to). IF she changes her mind during actual physical meeting be sure to respect that.

 

Don't worry about lack of experience. Plenty of guys who are sure they're great at sex apparently suck at it - a very common problem from what I hear. Take a LONG time with foreplay (kissing, etc). Many adult women take about half an hour to get truly warmed up, whereas you take like two minutes. Be aware of that timing discrepancy.

 

BTW, if it's LOVE, not sex, you seek, don't bother with the above approach. You may be a little hurt when your Tinder ONS is exactly that - a ONS and nothing more. Be prepared for that as well.

 

 

Also, suggest you don't mention not having experience. Plenty of guys will be a little hesitant first time around, since they don't know the woman well yet, so she's not likely to know any different. She doesn't need to know this and in a very real way it's actually not her business.

Edited April 24, 2019 by mark clemson

[Els]

Hey,

 

Thanks for your comment, appreciated.

 

I get the distinction between a guy who is out to gains some notches vs a guy who actually cares about the woman. I also get that experience doesn't necessarily entail an attentive/'effective' (if that's the right word) partner - but some experience has to be better than none.

 

On to your second point, I've never really talked to a girl; I just assumed my virginity was a hindrance so never really bothered. Sounds ridiculous I know, but that's the vicious circle I'm in...

 

 

Well, no, being a virgin at your age isn't necessarily a hindrance as long as you educate yourself on female sexuality. Learn where the clitoris is and what to do with it, also about the other erogenous zones on the body. If you do, you'll likely end up being the best lover that many 25-yo girls would've had thus far.

 

 

So there you go, you can start practicing talking to girls now.

 

 

 

 

P.S. You got the username haha! Are you a Stephen King fan?

 

 

Not really a King fan in general, but I love the Dark Tower series! Couldn't really get into most of his other books though.

[smackie9]

Hey Smackie9,

 

Can you elaborate on what you mean by 'professional' help?

Seeking out a therapist that specializes in phobias and anxiety.

[Foxhall]

In terms of your age, this is not a problem,

 

 

what you lack in experience, you will have an advantage over older guys in terms of performance,

ability to perform sexually for guys declines as they get on a bit!

 

 

so while you may be inexperienced now, think that you are in your prime, capable of outlasting an older guy etc and use that thought to give you confidence,

 

 

get out there meeting girls though, the years go by quick, if you don't start getting in the mix, 30 will creep up and it does not get any easier

[preraph]

Listen to me. Don't even tell a woman you're a virgin! She doesn't need to know that. The fact you'd tell her just screams insecurity and needs permission. If you didn't tell her, she wouldn't ever know. If later, like months later, it comes up, fine, but there's just no need.

 

I'm an old lady now who had a fast-paced lifestyle at one point. I can tell you that your sexual inexperience isn't going to be glaring. Why? Because most men are not good in bed, even though they aren't virgins either because they don't care about the woman's needs and just want to get off or because they've never had a steady girlfriend who was there long enough to show them how to please her. And on that note, what pleases one doesn't please the next. So just stop thinking that you have to be "experienced" or some woman will know, because most of the guys she was with were not doing it right when they first started having sex with them.

 

When I was about 50, I found out a very old bf was in my town and connected with him. He was married. I just wanted to say hi to an old friend. We never had a blowup or anything. I was about three years older than him when he was in college in another town, so it was long distance and it wasn't exclusive. We never talked about it. He had been depressed the last letter (this is early 1970s) I got from him, his parents wanting him to do something reliable like become a cop (this guy had long hair and was a musician). I was in music in a small way already and always encouraged him musically and he was very confused when I last talked to him.

 

The first time we'd had sex, he was in town with a friend and I had a friend over too at my house and we were all up partying. It was about 4 in the morning and I was super tired and wanted to turn in. So I did and we had sex and I was tired and remember hardly anything about it except that we had sex.

 

So we had lunch when we're both around 50. And he tells me I'll always be special to him because I was his first. Now, this was a good looking guy that I met out of town at a concert and sat by intentionally. It never crossed my mind that he was a virgin. Now, he claims I knew, but I did not. I think he assumed I knew, just like you're assuming someone would know.

 

He told me I was a big influence on him because he was so torn back then wanting to follow his dream -- and he did follow his dream because of me inspiring him and was then head of a big radio broadcasting network.

 

Looking back, my interpretation of how he was in bed is that he was just loving and gentle and very sensuous. Women appreciate more things than just having an orgasm, you know. Not all women expect to hit the high note the first time they sleep with someone. In fact, most women know it takes some sustained time of dating someone to feel comfortable being open about what feels good and what doesn't.

 

So just saying, no one needs to know. You won't stand out from not having your technique down. You'll be like most of the guys out there who also don't have their technique down or think they do but they don't. My only tip there is a general one: Don't just hit the bases. Stay on the base if she's enjoying it.

 

The only thing that will expose you as a virgin is if you let your fear and hesitation show. So learn to fake it til you make it and not act fearful and hesitant and basically fake being confident. Walk tall. And if you do that a few times, it will become real. Good luck.

Edited April 24, 2019 by preraph

[Roland Deschain]

Hi Tribble,

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

I've noticed I'm getting mixed replies here though; some are saying the girl doesn't need to know whereas others are saying just own up and admit it otherwise the girl will be disappointed because it's awkward and insulted because she wasn't made aware.

 

Any tips?

 

I'm tempted just to have a skinful and act my way through it (if I ever get to that stage that is) then at least if it sucks (which it probably will) I won't have it replaying in my head forever.

[Roland Deschain]

Hmm sounds like a good plan, not sure how it will translate into practice though.

 

I'd rather keep it a secret and hopefully the girl won't realise and just think I suck lol...At least that would explain in her mind my lack of relationships haha!

 

Ah right, I love Stephen King! I'm just finishing off Fire and Blood by George RR Martin and then I'll be picking up where I left off with the Dark Tower series

[Roland Deschain]

That could probably help but knowing myself I just wouldn't be able to do that sort of thing

[Roland Deschain]

I know what you mean; time is definitely running out for me. It feels like these next few months are make or break and if I don't do something soon, there's no way I'll be able to justify being a virgin to a girl at my age. 25 is weird/bad enough let alone 26 onwards

[preraph]

Believe me, a woman will have no way of knowing you're a virgin. Plenty of guys are very basic in bed. Don't make it awkward by telling her. She will wonder what your expectations are of her. Just dive in!

 

I love Stephen King too! Met him once, and his wife. I like her writing too.

 

One more thing I just want to mention to you as a caution. Just because you're a 26 year old virgin, do not expect the woman to be. They're few and far between. There have been some guys on here who took a judgmental attitude because they were virginal about women who weren't and started asking inappropriate questions to "qualify" them like how many guys they'd been with. I just want to head it off at the pass. A person's sexual history, just like your virginity, is nobody'd business, so don't quiz or judge them. Just thank the lord you're getting to have sex.

 

And the other mistake virginal or fearful guys make, either one, is waiting too long, hanging around as a friend so long the woman just feels like you're her brother. They do that out of fear, hoping lightning will strike and suddenly their ideal fantasy will happen because the woman made it happen. It won't happen. Women don't like fear, so don't show fear. And if you meet someone, have a couple of chats and then ask her out. Don't wait. Waiting will put you in the friendzone.

[Els]

Hi Tribble,

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

I've noticed I'm getting mixed replies here though; some are saying the girl doesn't need to know whereas others are saying just own up and admit it otherwise the girl will be disappointed because it's awkward and insulted because she wasn't made aware.

 

Any tips?

 

I'm tempted just to have a skinful and act my way through it (if I ever get to that stage that is) then at least if it sucks (which it probably will) I won't have it replaying in my head forever.

 

 

I think it depends on how you say it. If it's part of the conversation when we're talking about sex I wouldn't mind at all, but if the guy felt the need to bring it up out of the blue and make a big deal out of it, that would strike me as insecure and a turn off.

[Tribble]

I think it depends on how you say it. If it's part of the conversation when we're talking about sex I wouldn't mind at all, but if the guy felt the need to bring it up out of the blue and make a big deal out of it, that would strike me as insecure and a turn off.

 

I would have to agree here. If he just blurted it out out of nowhere, it would be awkward. Which is why I think it never really came up with my boyfriend, there was no natural opportunity. It did explain a few things though - but trust me, nothing bad!

 

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't insulted or upset at all. I understand why he didn't say anything before and either way, it doesn't bother me. I wish I'd known only because I would have taken a bit more time to get there I think.

 

It's all situational and personal. If you're going for a ONS or casual, I wouldn't announce it. If you're going for a relationship, it could encourage a deeper connection. But don't feel obligated in any way, do what feels right for you.

[Roland Deschain]

No, I'd rather have my first time with a girl who knows what she's doing, her having been with a few guys isn't a problem for me at all, as long as they're cool with my lack of experience

[Roland Deschain]

Thanks for the help, I guess I am insecure about it and would rather have it out in the open

[Mysterio]

Must everyone know every little thing about everyone. Your a Virgin. It does not matter. Put it this way. Everyone is a virgin if you don't experience something. I would read sex books and human anatomy. Y tube it if you have to. Once you have some knowledge. Just go slow. A massage to your GF or dating prospect might lead to other things.