Jealous friend

[Jez319]

Hi all,

 

I have a friend in my life, we've been close for over 10 years. For the first few years of that, I was in a pretty bad relationship and she was single. We hung out all the time, had a great time together always, felt like I could share anything with her, trusted her immensely. Then she got a boyfriend and I completely fell off the radar. It came at a time when I developed a seizure disorder and couldn't drive, she lived in my neighborhood and we worked together, she never drove me to work. Wouldn't respond to texts/emails. Then after about 2 years, she started reaching out again. She was having troubles with her boyfriend and I spent a lot of hours on the phone with her processing, her sobbing, trying to make her feel better, etc. We were friends again, and I had a new boyfriend I was now living with. She was and still is single, and can't stand it. We are 40 and she is the only one in our friend group who is still single.

 

Flash forward to, I got married to that boyfriend a couple of years ago. Ever since then, she has seemed different towards me, especially after we moved into a nice new house together. My husband and I took her to his family's beach condo, and on the first night there she proceeded to get wasted on alcohol, and started insulting me, saying how I have changed since being with him and that I care about money, calling me a liar, etc. Everyone else had gone to bed and it was just her and I. It was so crazy and off the wall, completely unexpected. The next day she apologized and admitted she is super jealous of me, I suppose because my husband is wealthy. Which is super gross to me, I sometimes hate how money gets between people and this is my first experience with this. Then, there were a couple of other times over the following year when I was on the phone with her while she was wasted, where she got insulting again, saying she's 'worried about me' because "I'm so much better than my husband and his family". In the same phone conversation where I was trying to help her with her problems and she was borderline suicidal-sounding. It was the only reason I stayed on the phone so long with her so drunk. Then she tore into me, it made me sick. Same thing, next day, mild apology, but I noticed not as heartful or honest-feeling of an apology as before. I know she has her issues with some ways his family has treated me, justified, but my husband has never been anything but kind and generous to her. so she had no right to insult him. I know she's jealous, I just don't think a friend who is truly a friend would experience jealousy to this degree. It may flash through our minds, but it shouldn't change the way we treat a friend. Own your stuff.

 

More recently we took a group trip overseas and she acted annoyed with my husband the entire time, got drunk and tried to kiss me one night when he had already gone to bed, told me things like "I know you have to have a husband but we should be together", tried to exclude us from group activities (her cousin and his friend were with us also), and just generally acted annoyed at almost anything my husband said. She also started drinking at around 11 am most days. Told me, of our Airbnb host, "see that's the kind of guy I see you with." There were so many things. Then, she proceeded to have what I now know was a major panic attack on our last night, as we were getting ready to go to dinner. Annoyed as I was with her, I had to shift into high crisis management gear, she thought she was dying and she ended up going to hospital after a 3 hr ambulance ride, to find that it was nothing. I'm not even sure that at least some of it wasn't put on, to be honest. There were clues. She still won't admit it was a panic attack. I know, I know, I know, no more trips with her anymore! I should have gotten a clue when a friend wanted to go and then upon hearing that she was going said, "no thanks" and "good luck".

 

We gave each other a few weeks without talking, I was going to give it more, but she called and wanted to hang out and catch up. We had a couple of drinks (another rule I have now made is no more drinking with her, especially not one on one) and she said "well I know what you think happened on that trip, but I have my own opinions". Baited! And so me, I'm like, do tell. She just basically told me that she wasn't annoyed with my husband and that I must have been projecting, that I was actually annoyed with him. But then, from the other side of her mouth, proceeds to detail all the times she was annoyed with him on the trip, ending with even the way he caught a cab when we were leaving the airport and going home at the end. He can be a little unaware and sometimes it annoys me too, but it's not a big deal to me or anyone else. We all laugh it off. And why did she even care so much, it never impacted our trip one bit. But she focused so much on it, and it really hurt my feelings, was stressful to be around day in/day out for 10 days. Honestly, I think she was trying to make sense of feeling this way without feeling like the jealous person she ultimately is.

 

We have several other friends who have stopped seeing her or talking to her for these reasons, getting drunk and being mean/cruel, etc. They have told her clearly that her drinking is a problem and she needs help. There are likely psychological issues as well. I know for a fact that she's heard this from at least 2 people, and there could be more. Se didn't share this with me, but I found out on my own. She keeps her life pretty secret, which is strange to me because I am/was such an open book with her. There are other friends of ours who won't hang out with her because of these things, but who haven't actively confronted her or anything. I've been one of the last women standing, defending her, saying positive things about her when they vent. Until now, lol.

 

So do I confront or ignore? I did write a letter, without sending, about my issues with our last conversation, regarding processing the events on our overseas trip. I feel crappy that I left that conversation with her feeling so justified because I have a hard time confronting in person, I clam up and can't think straight in the moment. Do I give her the letter or at least read it to her over the phone? Or do I just let it go and focus on more positive things in my life. I'd like to do the latter, but I hate the feeling of unresolved business, and this sort of feels like that. And crazy at it all sounds, I am still deeply hurt, I feel like I've lost my best friend. And also realizing she was probably never my best friend. I'd also like some closure, just don't know the best way of going about it.

[preraph]

So you kind of just left that "she tried to kiss me dangling out there" with no more info, such as "I flipped out and told her to stop." So has there ever been anything romantic between you two in the past?

 

 

If not, clearly, this is her issue. Well, that and she's a drunk. Sounds like she is jealous and doesn't need to be around if she's trying to kiss you and is after you and does crappy things and says crappy things, and certainly your husband shouldn't want any part of that. No different than letting some guy who's been an orbiter for years hang out and make desperate attempts on you while trying to turn you against being married and your husband. She has to go.

[Orokotikki]

Do yourself, husband, family, and other friends a huge favore and cut this person out of your life. They are a grown up and can figure out their own ****.

[healing light]

This lady is a piece of work. Goes MIA when you develop a seizure disorder despite living in the same neighborhood/work knowing you can't drive, trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband, making moves on you (I find this to be the oddest of them all), verbally abusive when drunk, manipulative when sober.

 

I would block her number and move on with your life the way she appeared to ghost you when your health declined. I think she'll be big fat drama if you confront her, but if you must then you could always send a text saying that you find her behavior disrespectful to your marriage and good luck in life yaddah yaddah the next time she contacts you.

[healing light]

No different than letting some guy who's been an orbiter for years hang out and make desperate attempts on you while trying to turn you against being married and your husband. She has to go.

 

Agree with this 100%. Why is her behavior any more acceptable now that she has a vagina? Would you keep a man around who was talking smack on your husband and trying to kiss you?

[Jez319]

I agree. It is no different than if she were a guy, and you're right, I wouldn't have tolerated that for a second. I know she has to go. I don't know why it took me so long to see it. It's like she can keep people in her good graces if she keeps them more as casual friends. But if you get close, watch out. Everyone I know who's been close to her has stopped spending time with her. I was the last hanger on. I don't know why it took me so long, other than it's a character flaw of my own, to forgive to easily and too often. On a positive note, since having more space from her this past month, I feel healthier overall. Other than a little bit of lack of closure, which brings me to the interwebs for advice, I feel healthier, less bogged down.

[Jez319]

Oh, and to answer preraph! She is bisexual and there was a brief time period about 8 years ago where I would kiss her back for a second when she would kiss me. Happened maybe three times, and always when we were drinking, never sober. Never anything more than a kiss, fully clothed and whatnot. One night she did try to make it more and I declined. But we were very close friends and I think it blurred a bit for her, though I am not gay and never questioned it on my end.

 

That recent night on that trip, was the first time anything like that has happened since that time period 8 years ago. I am not proud to say that I did kiss her back for a second, and I did tell my husband in full disclosure after we got home. He wasn't happy about it but forgave me, and I promised him it would never happen again, and it won't. I don't know why I didn't flip out and tell her to stop. I wish I had. I certainly don't get anything out of it and it actually grosses me out to think about. My thinking at the time was, just kiss her and get it over with quick so as not to embarrass her by turning her down. We discussed it the next day and reiterated that it was nothing, that we'd had a few drinks and weren't thinking well. Again, it's another example of how I can be passive to a fault, letting things happen I don't agree with, not calling them out enough, preserving others' feelings at the expense of my own and at the expense of my husband. It has to stop. Best way to stop it, cut out people in my life who would make that even something I'd have to address. She's the only one.

Edited April 23, 2019 by Jez319

[preraph]

Well, you've got to get away from her. She truly will cause problems in your life. I know it's hard to tell an old friend you don't want to hurt something abrupt, but she's a total drunk and a nasty one and you just can't trust her that if you talk to her sober and tell her it can't happen again and that you won't tolerate her badmouthing you and your man, that it will stick, because it won't. First time, she's drunk, she'll be worse than ever.

 

Look, she totally abandoned you when she was part of a couple. Tell her you are going to devote yourself to your partner and don't think it's going to work having her around anymore. I mean, I assume if you just stopped talking to her, she'd just show up drunk at your house or something and make a scene. So find out how any of your friends who successfully dumped her did it and then do that.

[MsJayne]

Wow, she's obnoxious. The reason you're the last friend standing is because you're the polar opposite of her, too kind and too tolerant. If you must hang out with her, I would lie in wait for the next time she starts bagging your husband and then let rip. Maybe take the bottle away from her and call her a cab - I find that to be an efficient way of letting a drunk know they've worn out their welcome.

[The Outlaw]

Cut her loose. I understand you want closure on that issue, but letting her go is the best thing you can do for you. She's going to have to make the conscious decision that she needs help, and she's going to have to want it. If she were a real friend, she'd support you, and wouldn't insult or drag you down.

[Jez319]

I agree with you guys. Thanks for taking the time to read through all of that and give me feedback! So many of our friends are just over her drama and don't want to hear about it, so there's not many people I can talk to about this. Simply put, a true friend wouldn't be insulting or try to drag me down. She'd just be happy that I am happy. I think a part of the reason it's been so hard for me to see this as it is, is because she's been so supportive and kind in the past. I say that, but then yes, she did abandon me right as I was having a seizure disorder and she partnered up. I think she is a good friend in moments, but there's no consistency because she's not a consistent person in general, emotionally. It's those good moments that confuse me, and make me want to be there for her and see her through to the 'other side' of whatever she'd going through, but I am starting to think this is just the real her. The one friend who has blocked her and confronted her as to why she was doing that, is a good judge of character, in my opinion. She feels that it's all attention seeking behavior, that she wants all the attention in the room, and she'll do whatever it takes to get it. Even if it's negative attention. It's why she won't even talk about her anymore, she feels like even that is giving her attention. I'm leaving her be. I don't think I'll confront it, at least not now. She's not one to reach out often, so I don't think it'll be difficult to just let the friendship fade away.

[preraph]

Yeah, attention hogs are usually a problem. They feed on any attention, good or bad because they have bad ethics.

[Youngestdaughter]

Personally, I don't think confronting her would do any good. She dropped you when she got a boyfriend. So, she's not a consistent, faithful friend. She was there for you when you got a seizure disorder, but hostile when you married a wealthy man. I had a friend like that, only loved me when I was down. She gave lip service to remorse with an apology, but continued to be annoyed with your husband for I'm guessing no reason. That's unacceptable. I have a friend who's husband I have a good reason for not liking, several actually. But I'm polite to him..cuz he's my friend's husband. And I wouldn't tolerate a friend being rude to mine. The person you've described sounds like a rude, self absorbed, jealous woman who takes no real responsibility for her behavior. So, it would be my guess if you confront her, she will get hostile and turn it on you. HOWEVER, if telling her off would make you feel better, go for it. Give her back her pain. You could even write her a letter. Sounds like you've listened to enough of her crap without saying anything. Be gracious though. Don't insult her. Just tell her the actions and behaviors that you find intolerable. You will always wish her well. But you just can't have her in your life anymore. Sounds like your life is going better so it's incumbent upon you to take the higher road. Also, it doesn't sound like you're completely over your crush on her to me. If I am right, a friendship would be inappropriate anyway.