longterm bf not ready to move in-thoughts?

[sillychick]

Hi

 

I'm not sure where to put this thread, so hoping this is the right place.

 

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 2 years. It's a very serious, committed relationship. We spend about 5 nights a week together, every weekend. We vacation together, spend holidays together, etc. I'm not at all concerned about his commitment to me or his seriousness about the relationship.

 

But I feel after 2 years he should be ready to talk about moving in together, and he's not really. He will talk about it, but it feels like he's doing it reluctantly and I don't want to force him so then I drop it. He'll say he can see it in the future but doesn't have a timeframe or a plan. But sometimes when he says that, it feels like he's putting me off so he doesn't have to talk about it since he's not ready.

 

We are older (early 50's), done having children, etc., etc. We live about 30 minutes away from each other, we each own our own house. I think this makes it a little more difficult because it's not like 'hey my lease is up, let's make a decision'. Making the decision to move in together means selling one or both of our houses.

 

The only excuse he's really given me is that he likes his alone time. But funny thing, the nights that we aren't together he is usually calling me and talking to me on the phone for an hour and texting me on and off through the evening.

 

I don't want to push him. I understand that we might just be in a different place and it might take him longer to get where I am. I'm o.k with that for now. But at the same time I know what I want for my life (to combine my life 100% with my partner) and I'm not sure how long I should wait.

 

The relationship is about perfect in every other way. I can't imagine leaving the relationship for this reason, but I also know if I feel like I'm the one always compromising while he's having the type of relationship he wants, that I may become resentful and I don't want that either.

 

Thoughts?

Edited April 23, 2019 by sillychick
Weird spaces

[preraph]

He just wants to have his own space for when he wants it. That's definitely how I am (66 and been that way for decades). As long as he's getting companionship and sex, that's probably all he really wants and sounds like you're at his beck and call, so as far as he's concerned, his needs are met. What's going to happen if you find out after he reluctantly moves in that he really does get surly when he doesn't have his own space?

 

Also, some people are real attached to their homes. I am. I wouldn't want someone coming in and mixing their stuff with my stuff, nor would I feel at home if I moved in with someone and couldn't put most of my stuff in there -- and I wouldn't like that it didn't look cohesive together with someone else's stuff. I mean, I love my stuff.

 

I have a friend who's also in her 60s and she and her bf have known each other for decades but been together as a couple about three years. They each have their places. She might relent sometime because she has a hard time saying no, but so far she has resisted selling her place, as much as she'd love to have the money, because she raised her daughter there. She hopes her daughter (who doesn't live in town and is 30) would feel like that is her home and be as sentimental as she is about it, which I doubt, but it's her home and I think it would take something drastic for her to give it up. Like him, she likes her space. He would like to be able to just drop over and stay anytime he wanted to but she had to limit him because it made her tired, but she adores him. She just needs time to do things and doesn't want to deal with him or anyone when she comes home from work.

 

He spends an awful lot of time with you, so maybe he'll change his mind some day, but I bet he is glad sometimes to get home and putter and do whatever he likes to do there and be with his familiar stuff. It's not like when you were young and not really rooted and would just pick up and go. People like their roots.

[Happy Lemming]

53 year old male here and my long term girlfriend (7.5 years) wanted to move into my house to save money (She rents).

 

I said "NO" for several reasons:

 

(1) I like my own space. I am set in my ways.

 

(2) I like to get up early and work on my home (making lots of noise & dust).

 

(3) I'd have to do more cleaning and cooking if she was here (she can't boil water without burning it)

 

(4) She is a utility hog, lights on everywhere, uses all of the hot water when she showers, leaves the water running when she brushes her teeth, etc. I know we would fight about how much her "fair share" of the utilities would be.

 

(5) We'd fight over what to watch on TV or Roku.

 

(6) She'd get under foot and mess up my plans/routine. She gets easily bored and needs input, whereas I am content with peace and quiet.

 

(7) Once someone moves into your home, it is hard to get them out if things go South. I learned that lesson the hard way.

 

(8) I value my alone time. It now outweighs my need for sex and all I need (at this point) is weekend sex.

 

No thank you, she can keep on paying rent on her apartment, and I'll stay in my home. We get together on the weekends and she goes back to her apartment come Monday morning.

 

For the record, my "red light" to her moving in has caused some arguments & problems. Her sister has repeatedly told her to dump me because of my stance on this issue. No matter what, though I'm not budging on this issue. She keeps her apartment, & I keep my home; we will not be living together, ever.

[BaileyB]

Well, it’s been three years for us and we are still living separately...

 

It’s complicated, as you get older and have a home, and assets, and a community, and families, and jobs, etc... Most definitely, it’s not as easy as when we are young and you have nothing, but you also have nothing to lose.

 

But, it’s absolutely exhausting to be going back and forth between two homes. It’s not sustainable long term, at least not for me.

 

My question for you sillychick (great name by the way), what is your plan? Will he move in with you? Are you moving in with him? Are you going to buy a home together?

 

We have decided, long story short, to build our forever home. We are just waiting for some land to come available and then we are going to get started. It’s a nice compromise for us, it feels right. So, we will be bringing it together... it’s just taken a while.

 

Best wishes!

Edited April 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not at all concerned about his commitment to me or his seriousness about the relationship.

 

You may have to accept, at your joint stage in life, both things could be true - he could be committed to you and not want to cohabit. They're not mutually exclusive.

 

I can't imagine leaving the relationship for this reason, but I also know if I feel like I'm the one always compromising while he's having the type of relationship he wants, that I may become resentful and I don't want that either.

 

The very conflict you'll need to resolve. As it says on most Chinese menus, pick one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Els]

 

The only excuse he's really given me is that he likes his alone time.

 

 

This isn't an "excuse", it's a legitimate reason. Far better that he tell you this now, than string you along.

 

 

 

The relationship is about perfect in every other way. I can't imagine leaving the relationship for this reason, but I also know if I feel like I'm the one always compromising while he's having the type of relationship he wants, that I may become resentful and I don't want that either.

Yes, if moving in together is important to you (and it would be to me), I think you may be better off leaving. If someone likes his "alone time" more than a live-in relationship with me (and again, that is a valid choice), my thought is that he is welcome to all the alone time in the world. There is no shame in leaving if you two are just incompatible.

[d0nnivain]

He may simply not believe in living together. I'm your age & if I was unmarried I would not want to live with my SO. I may want to be married again but just living together -- all the benefits & none of the responsibilities/ commitments -- no thanks. My aunt & her SO solve that problem by both moving into the same apartment building. They are close enough that things are easy but far enough away that everybody has their own space.

[stillafool]

OP, are you hoping to marry this guy and that's why you want to move in? I can't see people your ages just wanting to shack up when you both own your own home. I certainly would not sell my house just to "shack up" with a man I'm not marrying.

[elaine567]

I certainly would not sell my house just to "shack up" with a man I'm not marrying.

 

^^^^This is the crux of the matter.

The problem being that he may not be ready for marriage or even ever be ready for marriage.

He may be perfectly happy with the way things are. His kids and other family members may also prefer it

[BaileyB]

I personally don’t see marriage as the be-all, end-all. Lots of people at this age have been there and done that before... Many may be seeking a relationship, but not feel the need to be married again.

 

To me, it’s about commitment. I would not sell my house and move in with someone indefinitely if I had any hesitation about his commitment to the relationship. Marriage is only one symbol of commitment.

[Happy Lemming]

In my opinion, there are only three reasons to sell your home:

 

(1) A life change has occurred and you can no longer afford to make the mortgage payments.

 

(2) The real estate market for that area has changed and you stand to make a significant profit on the home by selling it. This profit will pave the way to your next home purchase, which you will have researched to make sure it has the ability to make you substantial profit.

 

(3) Interest rates have skyrocketed and you stand to make significant profit & interest by seller-financing your home to a potential buyer.

 

Otherwise, rent your home out. Use an attorney to make the lease "air tight", nothing verbal!! If for some reason things don't work out, you can get your home back at the end of said lease.

 

Just my two cents...

[Els]

Yes, I don't understand the "sell your house" thing. It would make far better financial sense in the long run to rent it out in most cases, unless you are having to pay 2 mortgages at the same time (and if you're not getting married you probably shouldn't be paying the guy's mortgage).

[preraph]

There is one big practical reason for old couples to marry, and that is so that you will have some rights if they go in the hospital. Otherwise it is their next of kin. You know a lot of times when people have to go in the hospital suddenly, they're too messed up to sign the power of attorney or something like that. Someone has to make decisions for them, but as a girlfriend or live in you would have no rights in that regard.

[fishlips]

Have you guys been married before? Do you have children?

 

Unless you are wanting to get married, I wouldn't shack up at your age. I'm the same age, and if I were suddenly single again, I don't think I would move in with someone unless I wanted to marry them. If he has children, then you are always going to be second them them, anyway.

 

Whatever you do, protect yourself and your assets.

[Mr. Lucky]

Otherwise, rent your home out. Use an attorney to make the lease "air tight", nothing verbal!! If for some reason things don't work out, you can get your home back at the end of said lease.

 

Not everyone has the acumen to be a Landlord, nor is it a positive cash flow arrangement in many instances. Would require some thought on the OP's part.

 

There is one big practical reason for old couples to marry, and that is so that you will have some rights if they go in the hospital.

 

Slightly disagree, the OP and her partner are early 50's. They could easily have 30+ years together with a substantial accumulation of joint assets during that time.

 

sillychick, I'd follow your instincts and proceed carefully...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Happy Lemming]

Not everyone has the acumen to be a Landlord, nor is it a positive cash flow arrangement in many instances. Would require some thought on the OP's part.

 

If one does not have the acumen to be a landlord, there are plenty of management companies that will do so for a small fee. OP can easily be a "hands off" or "absentee" landlord. The management company will handle everything, if you so desire.

 

Even if the rental doesn't completely cash flow and you have a small loss each month, the overall increase in value of the property may take care of that loss. Furthermore, there is the security of knowing that if things don't work out, OP has a safety net to go back to at the end of the lease. That "peace of mind" is definitely worth a few bucks each month, in my opinion.

[bathtub-row]

I have to say that I understand where he’s coming from. Since I’ve been on my own for so long, it would be really difficult to commit to someone on the level of actually marrying or living together. I’m not saying it might not happen, I’m saying that I’d have to think long and hard about it.

 

Aside from the issue of co-mingling assets or not, there’s the issue of the volatility of relationships in general, the aftermath of it failing if that happens, and knowing what you know about all of that as you get older and wiser. It’s not about being bitter or anything along those lines. It’s about being cautious and knowing that love doesn’t conquer all.

 

I wouldn’t take it personally that your bf dances around the issue but I think you need to make a decision one way or another. If you’re not ok with the arrangement, then end it with him and find someone else. If you think you can be happy with it, then the two of you need to discuss it so that he knows he’s no longer pressured about it. On his end, he may be confused about what to do. Talking about it can really help.

[sillychick]

Thank you all so much for your responses!!! I’m on my phone and don’t have time to appropriately respond to all of this until later but just want you to know how much I appreciate all of this. When I get back to a real computer I’ll be able to respond. Thanks again!! Silly

[Mr. Lucky]

If one does not have the acumen to be a landlord, there are plenty of management companies that will do so for a small fee. OP can easily be a "hands off" or "absentee" landlord. The management company will handle everything, if you so desire.

 

Even if the rental doesn't completely cash flow and you have a small loss each month, the overall increase in value of the property may take care of that loss. Furthermore, there is the security of knowing that if things don't work out, OP has a safety net to go back to at the end of the lease. That "peace of mind" is definitely worth a few bucks each month, in my opinion.

 

Though you make some good points, that "small fee" is 12-15% where I live. However, as you indicate, intangibles are indeed involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[snowcones]

There is one big practical reason for old couples to marry, and that is so that you will have some rights if they go in the hospital. Otherwise it is their next of kin. You know a lot of times when people have to go in the hospital suddenly, they're too messed up to sign the power of attorney or something like that. Someone has to make decisions for them, but as a girlfriend or live in you would have no rights in that regard.

 

 

You'll also be responsible for each others long-term care bills if you're married. So you'd both better have a fluffy retirement account.

[sillychick]

Thank you all again. Your insights are very helpful. This is a lot to unpack.....

 

Much in the way you would think when you decide to get married when you are young and full of hope, for me, deciding to move in together would not be something we try to do and see how it works out, it would be for life. So like many of you have mentioned, when you're our age and been through a divorce, you know there are no guarantees. I would like to think we are older and wiser, but yet the divorce statistics for second marriages show that is not always the case.

 

But having said that, I would not even consider moving in with him and selling my house (if that's what is decided) without knowing or feeling like this is it for me/us. I wouldn't do it on a trial basis. I would protect my assets as much as I can and just go for it. I have quite a bit of equity in my home and I would protect that in whatever arrangement we come up with. And therefore then hopefully walk away with that if that's what I came into the relationship with. That will help me rebuild in the worst case scenario assuming I can protect it.

 

I'm not sure quite yet if I care if we ever marry and to me I don't think about it as 'shacking up' without a commitment to marry. I think that's the kind of thinking you have in your 20's but once you've done it, you think of it differently. At least for me.

 

I think the commitment can be there without the ring. I was married for 18 years and assumed I married for life, but it didn't turn out that way. So I know the risks even when you have the best intentions. So I've had the 'piece of paper' and found it doesn't necessarily mean much to some people. I would rather be in a healthy, respectful relationship than have a piece of paper not worth anything. But that being said, I do worry in the future about the 'rights' of a girlfriend vs that of a wife. As we age, am I allowed in intensive care room, am I allowed to have a say as to his care, etc. I know there is legal paperwork that can be drawn up, etc. but I'm just saying in general, the word wife means something to others (EMT, Hospital employees, etc.) in the case of an emergency but when you throw around the word 'girlfriend' it might not hold the same weight. Unfortunately people put less significance on that word vs. the 'wife/husband' words. But having said all of that, I'm not necessarily sure if I care if we are married. But I may change my mind on that.

 

He does not have any children. He has a step daughter who he is still in contact with - they have a good relationship- but she's not his biological child.

 

As far as where we will live, I'm not sure. We have talked about it a little bit here and there and it seems he is very open to selling his house. So likely we would either live in my house or sell both and buy something else. I hear you on the renting one or both of them out and it might not be a bad idea on paper, but it's a bad idea for us. We both have somewhat irresponsible family members who think they would be first in line if we decide to rent out one or both of our houses and we would like to avoid that. Of course we could say no to them but it would be difficult all around. We are both people pleasers in some way also so I think it's best if we sell and not have that as an option. Also I was in Real Estate for 15 years and I have friends who own and rent properties and it's become a nightmare in this area. I don't think I will go down that road although I do see where it might not be a bad idea on paper. Plus I would likely want/need the equity in my house to put down on another house to keep the mortgage low, since we are close (closer...) to retirement there's no way I will take out a 30 year loan if we can avoid it. So I would want the equity in our current houses to go towards the new house and take out a 10 year mortgage so it will be paid off by the time we retire.

 

Of course someone could argue that we will always have the equity in the other houses and could sell them in the future and use it to pay off the house we are living in as we near retirement, but again it's too risky for me based on what I'm seeing in the market here. Plus once it's not your primary house for 2 of the past 5 years, if you sell you will have to pay capital gains (if there are any gains) since the gov't then treats that property as an investment property and not your primary residence. So there are financial considerations there also.

 

As far as reasons why I would like to move in together, it mostly has to do with convenience.

 

I hate the going back and forth. I have stuff at his house and he has stuff at mine, but going back and forth still requires packing up and then packing up to go home. We spend time at both of our places depending on where our social life is taking us over the weekend, etc.

 

Financially it almost seems silly. We are both, by ourselves, supporting and maintaining a house. We do the lawn work at my house one day and then we go to his house and do lawn work at his. We put up a Christmas tree at my house and then we put one up at his house. Then we take down mine and then we take down his. I am paying electricity, etc at my house and he's paying at his. And we are at the others place say 1/3 of the time. If we break it down I'm at his house 1/3 of the month, he's at mine 1/3 of the month and we are both on our own 1/3 of the month. That's not exactly it but you see what I'm saying. It just seems silly for the longterm.

 

We are busy people and sometimes I just miss waking up and going to bed with him. When you live together and life gets busy, at least you are sleeping together and waking together. When you live on your own and we get busy, sometimes we might go 3 days without seeing each other. I know it doesn't seem like much but I miss him during that time. He'll say the same to me and he'll be the one to try to pinpoint when we will be able to see each other again.

 

I think, for right now, it's too soon to make any decisions on what I will do if he decides 'never'. I will give it more time.

 

I guess when I started the thread, I was wondering 'how much more time?'. Another year? 6 months? Do any of you think that there's a timeline of like if he's still avoiding the conversation now he'll likely never do it?

 

I really do appreciate all of the input, thank you again.

[BaileyB]

As far as reasons why I would like to move in together, it mostly has to do with convenience.

 

I hate the going back and forth. I have stuff at his house and he has stuff at mine, but going back and forth still requires packing up and then packing up to go home. We spend time at both of our places depending on where our social life is taking us over the weekend, etc.

 

Financially it almost seems silly. We are both, by ourselves, supporting and maintaining a house. We do the lawn work at my house one day and then we go to his house and do lawn work at his. We put up a Christmas tree at my house and then we put one up at his house. Then we take down mine and then we take down his. I am paying electricity, etc at my house and he's paying at his. And we are at the others place say 1/3 of the time. If we break it down I'm at his house 1/3 of the month, he's at mine 1/3 of the month and we are both on our own 1/3 of the month. That's not exactly it but you see what I'm saying. It just seems silly for the longterm.

 

We are busy people and sometimes I just miss waking up and going to bed with him. When you live together and life gets busy, at least you are sleeping together and waking together.

 

I hear ya... oh boy, do I hear you... It’s exhausting.

 

I long for the day when I will go to sleep with him every night and see him every morning. I long for the day when I’m not packing and unpacking... I long for the day when I don’t have a day at home and a list of chores to do because I have spent all my “free” time at his house...

 

It’s exhausting.

[Dandelioness]

I'm not sure if putting a time-line is going to bring you both happiness. If he's not ready, adding pressure will create resentment. At this stage in your life, I'd either leave it as is with hopes one day he'll change his mind - or - walk away.

[gradh]

Sounds like he's getting a pretty decent amount of alone time in the current situation. If you got a place together that had a nice "man cave" could you give him that much time? Or would you feel resentful if he wanted some time to chill by himself? Some people really, really need it and it doesn't mean they don't love you and want to be with you. But they need that time alone to recharge.

 

If you could handle him coming home in the evening and saying "I'm gonna crash in my room tonight and just chill" and you'd actually leave him alone then talk to him about that option. Then he'd get his alone time and you'd still have him to snuggle with at bedtime.

 

But be damn sure you don't start nagging him later about spending too much time in that man cave or he'll move right back out.

[bathtub-row]

The timeline doesn’t seem to really address the issue, it just delays it. I think you just need to talk to him about it. You never know, though, he may decide he doesn’t want to lose you over something like this, and the two of you can work it out so that you find a home where he can have a man cave. Let him know that you’re very much devoted to giving him the space he needs while the two of you enjoy being in the same place. I deeply value my space and if I were with someone who respected that without making me feel guilty, I would be thrilled.