Mr. Lucky Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Do any of you think that there's a timeline of like if he's still avoiding the conversation now he'll likely never do it? I don't think he's avoiding the conversation, seems like you've already had it. It does appear you're avoiding dealing with the answer, which has already truthfully been given. He prefers to keep his own place solo. Doesn't mean you can't be happy together, just means that happiness may manifest differently than your idealized conception of it. Seems like a lot to discard just because you're not getting everything you want... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author sillychick Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 Thank you all again! Such great insight. I won't pressure him, the timeline I'm wondering about is just in my head. I can't imagine leaving him because of this, our relationship is damned near perfect. It's something that I will eventually have to decide if I can adjust to or walk away in the future. Not a decision I'm ready to make right now. So I'll give it time. He says he can see us living together in the future (but then seems to talk mostly retirement age and not like 'next year' future) but just isn't ready yet and doesn't have a timetable for it. I guess my gut is mostly because the times that we have talked about it seem like he's saying 'someday' to put me off because he's not really ready to hatch a plan. So I will wait and see what happens. I'm a performer so I'm out about 10 nights a month, on average. Right now he goes with me because he enjoys it. But if we lived together, he could certainly pick those nights to stay home and have some time to himself. We both have friends that we go out with and hobbies that we do separately sometimes also. So I think I feel like we can live together and have alone time, and maybe he doesn't see it that way. For right now I will wait it out and see how it goes. Thank you all again!! Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 I guess I don't get why people who are living together can't have "alone" time. Like others suggested, he can have a man cave and you can have a lady cave. He can also go on short trips with his guy friends or by himself if he needs that. It sounds like he is using that as an excuse not to live together. I do think you should give yourself a timeline in your head. If he still feels the same way a year from now, will you be happy? If no, I think you'll either need to accept things the way they are or move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sillychick Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 I guess I don't get why people who are living together can't have "alone" time. Like others suggested, he can have a man cave and you can have a lady cave. He can also go on short trips with his guy friends or by himself if he needs that. It sounds like he is using that as an excuse not to live together. I do think you should give yourself a timeline in your head. If he still feels the same way a year from now, will you be happy? If no, I think you'll either need to accept things the way they are or move on. I agree completely. I'll give it time (likely another year) and then know that a decision will need to be made. I think he'll come around but really don't know for sure. The only thing I know for sure is that I won't be happy if we move in and he feels like he's been forced to do it. So I'll try to be patient! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 I understand that we might just be in a different place and it might take him longer to get where I am. I'm o.k with that for now. But at the same time I know what I want for my life (to combine my life 100% with my partner) and I'm not sure how long I should wait. From everything I've read from you in this thread, it seems pretty clear he's not interested in living together anytime soon, but may consider it as he ages and needs a housemate more. I get why you feel conflicted. It's just so unromantic. I don't think any woman feels all that excited to be with a man who isn't fired up about being there with her and looking out for one another every day. Sure, this relationship is nice and has good points, but it feels like it lacks that oomph that you really want and need - that I'm guessing most woman want and need. I admit fully I'm not very practical in love, much more driven by the heart. I imagine I'd start pulling away and opening my mind up to the possibility of finding a love who's ready to go all in. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 I admit fully I'm not very practical in love, much more driven by the heart. You might also be at different point in your life than the OP - and her BF - are in theirs. I get where he's coming from. At a certain age, you realize you need to prioritize your own needs if you're going to be around to help take care of the needs of others. This can mean finding a lane that works for you and staying the course in the face of some resistance. Doesn't mean you don't want, need or care about other people, but it does acknowledge some of that has to be realized on your own terms. sillychick, your BF may be smart enough to understand he can't be the person you want to be with unless the relationship recognizes his needs too. Hope there's plenty of space in there for both of you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author sillychick Posted April 30, 2019 Author Share Posted April 30, 2019 You might also be at different point in your life than the OP - and her BF - are in theirs. I get where he's coming from. At a certain age, you realize you need to prioritize your own needs if you're going to be around to help take care of the needs of others. This can mean finding a lane that works for you and staying the course in the face of some resistance. Doesn't mean you don't want, need or care about other people, but it does acknowledge some of that has to be realized on your own terms. sillychick, your BF may be smart enough to understand he can't be the person you want to be with unless the relationship recognizes his needs too. Hope there's plenty of space in there for both of you... Mr. Lucky I hope so too Mr. Lucky!! Time will tell. I do think Ruby is on to something though. There's something fun, exciting and romantic about planning a future with someone who is excited to do the same. Even at our age when we've been around the block and learned a thing or two about ourselves and relationships, it's still fun to dream together. If that time doesn't happen naturally, I won't force it as I don't want him to agree to do anything reluctantly. Things are good for now and I often have to pinch myself that I found such a great guy who treats me so well. I will either have to make the decision to walk away in the future or redefine what my 'happily ever after' looks like. Right now, strangely enough, I'm open to the fact that time will help me figure out what's right for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 There's something fun, exciting and romantic about planning a future with someone who is excited to do the same. I'll just gently remind you there's nothing you've posted indicating your BF isn't excited about both your present and future together. His different view doesn't make you right and him wrong, or vice versa. Right now, strangely enough, I'm open to the fact that time will help me figure out what's right for me. Amen ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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