Is it finally over this time?

[loverainydays]

Hello. I am a MW now for almost 18 years and am having an affair with a man who is 10 years younger than me and is in a committed relationship (about 8 months).

 

We met at work about 5 months ago and we have an amazing connection, amazing chemistry and amazing attraction. Every time we see each other, our eyes just meet and connect so deeply. Our affair is mostly physical (however we do have much common ground and share the same humor) and used to talk often until we crossed the line. Guilt got to him and tried walking away often.

 

We have been on and off from the beginning. We say it’s over and we end right back in it. We went NC for about two weeks and he ended up texting me. We said how we both missed each other, our talks, our laughter, his voice, etc.

 

We have had sex twice but have tried hooking up several more times (either he or I are unable to due to our schedules). The second time was recently at his place; it was very passionate, deep eye contact, lots of amazing kissing.

 

What I’m confused about is, before we went to his bedroom he said after this, he has to delete my number and block me. His mood overall was very somber, he seemed unhappy and bothered. Even though my heart sunk, I pretended I was completely fine with it and we proceeded to having sex.

 

I texted him about an hour later and I never heard anything back. I seen him at work the next day and we kept to ourselves. I have not seen him since (as I have been away from work).

 

I guess I would like to know if I can truly expect it to be over this time for him. I know it needs to be, and I know in order for it to be, he did what needs to be done, however, part of me wants it not to be. Yet I want it to be so it’s less painful when he does leave (he will be leaving our place of employment in about 6 months or so).

[BaileyB]

I love rainy days too.

 

To be clear, your concern is only related to the pain that you feel, because he may have ended this affair and you want it to continue?

 

You have no concern for this man and the guilt he is feeling? And no concern for your husband, and the guilt that you should be feeling but apparently do not (because you have not mentioned any guilt or remorse at all in your post)?

 

It’s just, a very curious question that you have posed...

[mark clemson]

It sounds like he's trying to end it. Assume this is due to guilt. This make me think that he has sincere feelings both for you but more importantly for his wife.

 

Clearly you care for him and how he feels. Strongly feel the best thing to would be to allow him to (attempt to) end it by maintaining NC as long as possible. This is probably emotionally difficult, but I'm sure you realize it's what's best for everyone involved. Hope you are able to accomplish that.

 

You don't mention your own husband in your post. You will probably receive an earful about that, but I will leave it to the other posters. Try to remain strong in restraining yourself and letting the affair end. It will probably not be easy, but I very much believe you'll be able to if you try.

[mark clemson]

I see Bailey beat me to it...

[BaileyB]

Strongly feel the best thing to would be to allow him to (attempt to) end it by maintaining NC as long as possible. This is probably emotionally difficult, but I'm sure you realize it's what's best for everyone involved. Hope you are able to accomplish that.

 

Ah, but you said it so much better Mark...

 

If you care for this man, let him go. You sound unconvincing in your comments that you want this affair to end. Be strong and go no contact - it is the kind thing to do for this man. It is also the best thing to do, if you value your husband and your marriage.

[loverainydays]

Thank you both so much. I feel like right when I get to a place of accepting it is over, and I don’t contact him, here he comes, breaking NC. He said he’s truly mind blown at the high he gets from just being around me. I guess, I wish he would have informed me before inviting me over that he will need to block me, after our last encounter, it has made it that much harder. It hurt hearing it as it made me feel as if I am the one who always breaks NC when it’s him who does.

 

As for me and my situation, I do feel guilt, however, I guess I have desperately missed the passion. I love how he makes me feel.

 

I am going to work on letting him go. When does it get easier? I dread seeing his face at work.....I have taken off the last few days just so I don’t have to see him yet as it hurts only to find out, he’s been out so far this week also.

[mark clemson]

Thank you both so much...

 

When does it get easier?

 

 

You're welcome. It varies. If you have true limerence it will take quite a while (several months at least). If it's just regular break up blues, probably less than that.

 

Either way your feelings should subside to a reasonable/manageable level within a month or two after he leaves. When contact becomes truly impossible, limerence tends to fade soon after. So, unless you're an unusual person, you have a finite cap on this. Consider yourself lucky - some folks who can't leave the situation may have limerence for up to 3 years from what I read.

[Amethyst68]

Tell your husband, he deserves the truth and the right to make an informed decision about his own life.

Oh and you can also block the OM you don't need to wait for him to block you. You do have a say in this!

[anika99]

One thing that may help you is to think about how poorly he treats you after he has sex with you. Most in love couples bask in happiness after they have sex. They are giddy and extra affectionate to one another after they have made each other feel so good in the bedroom. This guy is not happy after sex with you. Instead he feels ashamed of himself for being weak and compromising his principles. Like an addict who knows their habit is no good for him but gives in to temptation and then feels disgusted with himself for not being stronger. And when people are feeling shame they tend to project the negative feelings they have for themselves onto others so if this guy has a low opinion of himself after he cheats with you he probably has a low opinion of you too. Though it makes him a hypocrite he might even think you are worse than him because you are married and cheating on a spouse.

 

I don't know how you feel about that but for myself I couldn't enjoy having sex with someone who is going to feel shame and guilt for being with me, who is going to try their best to stay away from me afterwards like I'm a dirty habit. That would just kill my attraction and my libido. When I have sex witha guy I want him to feel happy and good about it, not cringing with guilt.

[stillafool]

The guy probably felt terrible guilt that his penis allowed him to bring a woman into the bed he shares with his gf. He probably felt so horrible that he wanted to end it with you because he knows it's only about sex. I don't see where you feel any guilt for what you are doing to your husband. Why not get a divorce and pursue a man who is available to give you the passion you seek?

[BaileyB]

The guy probably felt terrible guilt that his penis allowed him to bring a woman into the bed he shares with his gf.

 

Darn penis! It makes terrible decisions and gets otherwise intelligent men into all kinds of situations...

[Dreamer2017]

I agree with "Stillafool"!!!! You have NO guilt nor concern for your husband and family. Get a divorce and free your husband.

[lolita888]

I do not really think that he was in love with you. He had that plan of blocking you and still had sex with you. I guess all he wanted from you was that. It was a game or a chance he took. Now he is tired of it. Maybe he will contact you again once his partner started to get busy or couldn't give him the attention he wanted.

You felt that way because having a "younger man" still being attracted to you physically gave you a huge ego boost. But now that he started to pull and the reality started to sync in (that he wasn't that into you) - hurt your ego. He's the one in control.

[mark clemson]

Darn penis! It makes terrible decisions and gets otherwise intelligent men into all kinds of situations...

 

 

I know that was sarcasm, but you don't know how true it can feel to a guy (and probably some women about their organs after bad decisions) especially when they're young.

[loverainydays]

Everything said here is all very true. I know he was not in love with me, nor me him, it’s the sex, passion and attraction I’m addicted to. I wish I never went to his place; that was the 4th time he asked for me to come over, and I turned him down every other time.

 

Anika99 - very perfectly put. Wow. I have never stopped to look at it that way. And yes, I know this was why he was in a quiet, sad and somber mood; guilt. Sheesh, you are right, I don’t want to have him feeling that way when he has sex with me. Your words allowed me to put a whole new perspective on this as well as reading the words “you have NO guilt”......that’s just messed up. While I do, it’s nothing what it should be.

 

I have deleted his texts and his number. I AM DONE with this. I have to take it a step at a time and continue NC, but I want my life back, my sanity, my self worth and to work on my marriage.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Loverainydays,

 

I enjoyed reading your last post, and I think you are beginning to make some positive choices. Focusing on your marriage and husband is a good first step. It is my opinion; you should come clean of the affair to your husband. He has a right to know and also, I would think you would want to start showing some transparency as you move forward. A good marriage can work if you have Honesty, Trust and transparency.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[Zona]

I want my life back, my sanity, my self worth and to work on my marriage.

 

The quickest way to pop the limerence/fantasy bubble would be to confess to your husband, and then get you, or both you and your husband into IC. He would need it to deal with the shock, which often leads to PTSD type symptoms.

 

Since confessing is not likely to happen, at the very least you should look into IC for yourself, and not a counsellor with a new-agey, you deserve to be happy outlook, but someone experienced with adultery, and who would help you figure out why you would do this to yourself, your family, and your marriage, all for some compliments and attention.

[Zona]

I know that was sarcasm, but you don't know how true it can feel to a guy (and probably some women about their organs after bad decisions) especially when they're young.

 

Slight T/J. I think it would be great if every women could spend a day in a man's body to see what it feels like to have massive amounts of testosterone coursing through your body. I think they would have a lot more sympathy and understanding.

I always test in the 700+ range for testosterone, so it's been a challenge to keep my d**k from running away with my mind.

[loverainydays]

Dreamer2017, thank you for your kind words. I believe I would greatly benefit from counseling as this is my second affair I have had in my 18 years of marriage. Sad, I know. One would think I would have learned from my first affair from years ago. I’m going to look into counseling, I don’t want to go through this ever again.

 

Zona, I can only imagine how hard it can be for you men, I’m a woman and have a very high sex drive.

 

Now that I have made up my mind and am certain I am done with this affair, I know it’s going to be hard seeing him at work, and I’m truly not ready for any of it; not ready to see his face, not ready to hear his voice, not ready for the tension, not ready for the stares (that is, if he continues to stare at me when seeing me which he has always done in the past, even when he “ended it”).

 

*sigh* the crap I get myself into.

 

Thanks again, I’m sure I’m going to need more advice as days go by.....

[Dreamer2017]

Dear loverainydays,

 

I want to reiterate my previous recommendation that you should confess the affair to your husband. He deserves to know! I believe your confession, in the long run, could strengthen your marriage with your husband by helping to hold you accountable. The strength of both you and your husband working together can help heal and strengthen your marriage. This can only work if you cease entering into the affairs and if you the desire to work toward healing your marriage.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[Lewhawk]

Please don’t start working on your marriage until you’ve told your husband the truth, that way he has a choice on how to proceed. From the tones of your post you want this to continue, at least let your husband know he’s the backup plan.

[Lewhawk]

Does your husband know of the first affair?

[mark clemson]

IMO you should give careful consideration to BOTH sides of the question of telling your husband. Some things that I would want to consider:

 

 

- Telling will cause emotional pain. For some men, an affair would mean the marriage is over, period, full stop. Others might be more forgiving given enough time and sincerity.

- Rarely, but possibly, a man could become violent over this.

- If you do tell, trust was violated but at least you came to him. If you don't tell and he were to find out, trust becomes even more of an issue and reconciliation becomes less likely.

- Telling gives you the opportunity to restructure your marriage in a more emotionally honest and transparent way. If you had an affair it's pretty clear that this is needed.

- A few states apparently have laws regarding infidelity and how it impacts a divorce settlement. In a few it's even possible for the betrayed spouse to sue the affair partner. This means you want to speak with a family attorney about the laws in your state (most will do free 1/2 hour consultations).

 

 

No one on this forum knows your husband and how he's likely to react. Only an attorney would know the laws in your state. IMO it's a gamble - one that might be worth taking. Go into it with your eyes fully open about what you could gain and what you might lose.

[Lewhawk]

IMO you should give careful consideration to BOTH sides of the question of telling your husband. Some things that I would want to consider:

 

 

- Telling will cause emotional pain. For some men, an affair would mean the marriage is over, period, full stop. Others might be more forgiving given enough time and sincerity.

- Rarely, but possibly, a man could become violent over this.

- If you do tell, trust was violated but at least you came to him. If you don't tell and he were to find out, trust becomes even more of an issue and reconciliation becomes less likely.

- Telling gives you the opportunity to restructure your marriage in a more emotionally honest and transparent way. If you had an affair it's pretty clear that this is needed.

- A few states apparently have laws regarding infidelity and how it impacts a divorce settlement. In a few it's even possible for the betrayed spouse to sue the affair partner. This means you want to speak with a family attorney about the laws in your state (most will do free 1/2 hour consultations).

 

 

No one on this forum knows your husband and how he's likely to react. Only an attorney would know the laws in your state. IMO it's a gamble - one that might be worth taking. Go into it with your eyes fully open about what you could gain and what you might lose.

 

I would have to respectfully disagree with any reason not to tell, this is her second affair, her husband at least deserves a chance to make his own decisions about this marriage.

[BaileyB]

I would have to respectfully disagree with any reason not to tell, this is her second affair, her husband at least deserves a chance to make his own decisions about this marriage.

 

I agree completely. This is just a drunken mistake, we had too much to drink one night and got carried away... He has a right to know that he is married to a serial cheater.