Is it finally over this time?

[Amethyst68]

Even if this affair ends if there are no consequences then expect affair no. 3 in the future. OP clearly has no respect for her husband or her marriage, if she had any decency, or even just guilt, she would let him know and give him back the power in his own life.

[stillafool]

Just leave your husband. You will stray again. Don't be selfish you couldn't really love your husband after 2 affairs.

[mark clemson]

I would have to respectfully disagree with any reason not to tell, this is her second affair, her husband at least deserves a chance to make his own decisions about this marriage.

 

He has a right to know that he is married to a serial cheater.

 

 

These are fair points on the "tell" side of things. To me it's still a gamble, but I respect your opinions and agree the OP should consider this angle as well. There are probably additional points on both sides that she will think of in coming days and weeks. For example, how might it impact kids (if any) or any close relatives/in-laws etc who might be involved to tell, vs. not to tell, vs. not tell and then have the affair be discovered.

[loverainydays]

My husband knows of the first affair, and partially blames himself for it happening (due to issues we were having that were HIS issues that I won’t disclose....). However, I have never blamed him as I am responsible for my own actions.

 

While I know I will get chewed up and spit out once again for what I’m about to say, I don’t intend on revealing this one to my husband. I get it....I’m selfish and very wrong for what I’ve done.

 

I do plan on seeking counseling to deal with my personal issues as to why this happened again.

 

I will not go back to this man and will avoid him at all cost.

 

Many here has shed some great insight, has given me some great direction on what I need to do to not only get past this affair but to hopefully get my issues resolved. Thank you to those who have done this with respect, kindness and compassion even though I know what I’m doing is awful. I sincerely appreciate you.

[pepperbird]

Unless you can guarantee that you will never cheats on your husband again, then he had every right to know who he is really married to.

 

He's married to a woman who clearly does not value her marriage. I say that not to be mean to you, but because it's the truth. Your marriage is different now than it was when you decided that it meant so little to you that you were willing to risk both it and your husband's mental and physical health...especially as this is a second affair.

 

Either you care so little about your husband that you were perfectly fine with asking him ( and your mm's wife) to pay the price for your desire for excitement, or your boundaries are so weak you allowed yourself to get involved with another man.

 

None of this makes you a horrible person, but I would suggest to you that, when it comes to relationships, you have some growing up to do. Right now, you are at a fork in the road of your life. You can choose to face your demons which is hard int he sort term but can make your long term so much easier. Alternatively, you can choose to continue along the path you're on. That might be easier in the short term but you may well repeat this cycle over and over in the long term.

[stillafool]

 

While I know I will get chewed up and spit out once again for what I’m about to say, I don’t intend on revealing this one to my husband. I get it....I’m selfish and very wrong for what I’ve done.

 

 

Well if you aren't going to tell him at least ask for a divorce so the next time you enter into an affair you'll be single. That way you can have your high sex drive satisfied any time you want to without knowingly hurting someone.

[DKT3]

Not telling your husband is just a continuation of the behavior that has allowed two affairs into your life.

 

So really making a commitment to be better has to start with you actually being better not just more of the same. Understand this circumstances you will fail. You simply cant be committed half way, that idea doesn't exist. Either you are committed or you're not. You are not, so what is changing? Soon you will likely be right back in bed with this guy or the next one. Had to had the tools to deal with this there would not have been a second affair, you still don't have the tools nor do you have a real desire to change, so why do you expect the same input to result in a different outcome?

Edited April 25, 2019 by DKT3

[loverainydays]

So, I did tell my H and we will start counseling (marital and me on my own as well). While it was painful, it also did so much good to get it out there and to start the healing process.

 

He knows it is with someone at work. He does not want me to quit at this time for the fact XAP is supposed to in 6 months or so. However, he always wants to know if I seen him and what happened. Which, I get it, I understand but I hate talking about him.

 

When I explained how things are and when last seeing him, he does not believe he won’t try again and that he is going to; for example, when he has seen me, he looks at me, making prolonged eye contact, the other day he passed by me and smiled real big as he looked in my eyes, I’m my opinion, it was not a professional smile, mine, however was as I did not even want to do that, but thought it best to keep it professional.

 

I think it is best I quit sooner than later. My H says he trusts I won’t do anything with him again since I have come cleaned and counseling starts this week. And that if he does, he trusts I will tell him. He believes he will end up unblocking me and reaching out to me....????? So why stay??

 

I’m so confused. Maybe he wants to know if I have the will power to say no if he does try again??

[mark clemson]

Good for you.

 

It does sound to me like the OM is "fishing" a bit. You may need to make it quite clear that you're done (keep it professional though of course in the work context). As a woman, I'm going to guess you're already good at that.

 

I sincerely hope this works out as planned for you!

[mark clemson]

Ah, you're wondering if your husband is "testing" you in some way? I misunderstood that. Yes, it's certainly possible. Maybe he needs to see how sincerely unhappy continuing to be near/deal with OM is making you (to know you're truly over him)?

 

At any rate, he can't really force you to not get another job if that's what you feel you need to do.

[stillafool]

The next time MM gives you "the look" tell him to stop it. That you've told your husband about the affair because you want to put it behind you. If you tell him this in a firm manner he will leave you alone for fear of your husband. It's great that you want to stay professional with him that is why you need to shut down the staring.

[Zona]

So glad to hear that you were honest with your husband. Keep in mind that at this point he is almost certainly in some kind of denial or shock. Anything of this magnitude takes a while to sink in. Be prepared for some anger as you work through this. It will hit when you least expect it, but it is part of the grieving and healing process.

 

 

Sounds like your ex-AP is acting like a selfish @s$, which he most certainly is. If you can get another job, I would.

[loverainydays]

Thank you for your support and giving me some insight on what to expect as the dust settles. The jealousy and insecurity is already escalating as talking about my ex- AP is driving me crazy. I feel like it would be best to quit.

 

In re to ex-AP being an A$$, he most certainly is. Which btw, I think his whole act of feeling guilty was a crock.......he invited me over that night knowing he was leaving in two days to go on vacation with his GF. That does not sound like someone who feels very guilty (as he has claimed). In fact, he shouldn’t even be looking at me, let alone smiling and making eye contact.

[Amethyst68]

You can be professional without meeting hid eyes. There is nothing that says you have to look at him in corridors, just walk past him, look at some paperwork or your phone, talk to a colleague, hell just look the other way. If you're in a meeting and he's speaking look just above him or at the top of his head. There are a number of ways but the main thing is do not engage!

[loverainydays]

Thank you Amethyst68 - I am trying not to have our eyes meet; today it happened about 4x, every time I would look up from what I was doing or walking through a door, there he was.....looking at me, in my eyes and I immediately looked away each time...why is eye contact so freaking dangerous in these situations??......but he may be quitting already; I just know people have been coming in for interviews for his dept., and I’m guessing it is for his position. My H and I are so far....so good. Taking things one day at a time.

[loverainydays]

I was involved in an affair that lasted about 9 months. It was on and off the whole time, we both ended up liking each other more than we should have, different time, different place, we would be amazing together. Problem is, I’m 43 and he’s 29...I can’t give him babies and it’s not socially acceptable; he’s with someone, they met two months before he and I met, he will probably end up marrying her, me, I’ve been married for 18 years.

 

I tried walking away so many times, praying God removes me from my place of employment, or removes him. A week ago today, God (I feel) stepped in and I was laid off (several have been due to ownership changes).

 

I was sick, sick to my stomach at the thought of never meeting eyes again, seeing his smile, his sending me funnies to cheer me up if I was having a bad day, him stopping by my office, chatting with me about irrelevant stuff just so he could talk to me.....it was 6 weeks ago we almost hooked up.....he tried 3 different times, but I just couldn’t cause I know if we ever did/do again, it’s going to be much more emotional than even the last time.

 

We spoke last on Sat., via texting....he told me he would miss me, we talked/joked about having a “day of fun together” just so we had each other once more....

I have decided NC as I know it’s best, however, I crave just to hear from him again. Why?? When I know we just can’t, why do I, deep inside want this yet am so scared he will reach out to me because I’m not strong enough yet to resist. Then I think....we can at least keep in touch and be friends. He always had to block me as he said it was his only way to resist asking me over, then he would always end up unblocking me.

 

His last text to me said “Have a great weekend _____(said my name) with ☺️ (he NEVER addressed me by my name nor used cute emojis). Part of me thinks he will reach out, part of me thinks this was his final goodbye.

 

Could we ever just be friends?

[mark clemson]

You sound pretty hooked on this guy. Being friends would probably be more traumatic than it's worth.

 

I think you're going to have a difficult several months due to your feelings (possibly limerence). Eventually you'll get over him, though.

 

Making it impossible to see him may help a bit. You can't really fool your own brain though, so try to make it really impossible.

 

If you did nothing physical with this guy, there's at least that. Consider then re-investing in your marriage. MINUS the AP, is your marriage decent? Is there something missing that you could improve?

[pepperbird]

do you think that would be enough for you, or would it make you feel worse?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You will not be able to be just friends. What you should do is reflect on what you believe is lacking in your marriage and what steps you will take to address it. Then everytime you think of him, immediately redirect your thoughts to your action plan to save your marriage. Every time you do, remind yourself why you've chosen this path rather than a million others (being with him, or alone/dating after divorce/marrying someone different, is one of those million). It just feels special because it's taboo.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I agree with hadmeoverabarrel's post except I don't necessarily believe it feels special only because it's taboo. Could be, but then again, may not be.

 

I've had bf's (both of us single) I've needed to part ways with that I've felt the same way you describe feeling about your OM.

 

Main point is, though, you need to tend to your marriage whatever that takes.

[loverainydays]

Agree. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

I know we can’t be friends, nor do I want to be as I don’t want to know when he proposes to her, when they vacation together, and seeing his picture alone makes my heart sink. However, I feel so strong today. I feel amazingly strong and as if I have my head screwed on straight, yet tomorrow I could be a mess.

 

When does it end??

[loverainydays]

I am trying to refocus my attention on my marriage, family, friends, all the things I have to be happy about.

 

My friends are having a get together for me across from where I used to work with some old co-workers, (as it is convenient for many and use to frequent there a lot) and he WILL see my vehicle when he gets off today (he also lives RIGHT THERE) and I’m happy knowing he will know I’m there and did not contact him nor invite him.

 

Do you think it’s okay for him to know I’m there? We’ve been NC for 10 days, not seen each other for 12.......last thing I want is for him thinking I’m “trying” to be close to him....

[mark clemson]

At least several months out from whenever you started feeling very distressed. And yes, sometimes your head will clear and you'll feel normal, but then it will kick in a day or two later and bring you down again.

 

Hope you are getting exercise and spending some time outside. That will help a little.

[preraph]

One short-term goal you need to start right now is stop thinking about his reaction if he sees your car somewhere or whatever. In other words, right now, stop considering his reaction when you are making your own plans and living your own life. You make your plans and carry them out without any consideration whatever for what this guy thinks or does. Do you. It's a start.

[loverainydays]

I do get plenty of exercise and it does help tremendously, I hit the gym early in the mornings and then run 3 miles in the afternoon.

 

Yes, it’s like today he’s a “distant memory” but I know these positive thoughts and feelings won’t last, but oh how I wish they would.

 

And so true! Who gives a rats butt what he thinks! I guess I just want to appear strong, happy and that I’m moving forward in my life.