Who Leaves in a Separation?

[Simple Logic]

*edit* if there are kids then yes the man definitely moves out

 

Not necessarily. In some cases, Mom has other desires which don’t include being much of a mom.

[Simple Logic]

You mean neither you or your wife will get the house and two lawyers will be happy? Do not go this way, get over your anger and hurt feelings and talk to her about what is going to happen. If she refuses to move, than you do it. There is no point in selling the house just to pay legal bills because both of you were block headed..... Give the lawyers nothing more than the basic fees, they love it when couples want to fight over every little thing. They get it all and the splitting parties get nothing....

 

You assume they can work issues out with minimal attorney involvement. That is not usually the case and those who represent themselves have a fool for a client. Go on your own and you may find yourself shorted on your share of the assets, paying too much child support and your credit ruined or limited.

 

Attorneys suck, but this need to be done 100% correctly or you get to pay the attorneys twice.

Edited April 25, 2019 by Simple Logic

[littleblackheart]

I think she should have to move out of the marital home based on her conduct.

 

You are thinking emotionally. You need to consider the situation in practical terms.

 

You can justify wanting / needing to stay because:

- it's less disruptive for your soon to be teenager (assuming you will still be the primary carer - at his age, he can choose who he stays with anyway, or you may decide on joint physical custody).

- you can't afford a new place nearby on your salary while she can.

- you can afford to buy her out of the house.

 

Who gets to live where is not dependent on the no sex part. If she's instigating the divorce, this won't even be relevant; if she's contesting the divorce that you are instigating on the grounds that she's been refusing sex for a year, find grounds that she'll agree to or let her instigate.

 

In the scheme of things, the grounds for divorce / who instigates doesn't matter; if at least one of you has decided to divorce with no way back, you're going to divorce.

 

First look at you financial situation, decide on the best course of action for all but mostly for your 12 yo, then if you can, talk to your wife directly to settle the house situation. Only if you can't agree at all and you've exhausted all reasonable options do you get a lawyer to do the work on your behalf (or mediation, if possible).

 

Aggravation = time = money wasted on legal fees. You're headed for divorce whatever happens so my advice would be to make it as straightforward and smooth as possible for your son and for yourself.

[BaileyB]

You are most definitely thinking emotionally. You seem to have some belief that the world is “fair,” and that isn’t always the case. You have made yourself the “victim” here and it won’t be that way if/when you divorce. The lawyers/judge will not care if she withheld sexual, they will look at your assets, look at child custody, and make decisions accordingly. Decisions won’t be made emotionally and they could care less whether you are having sex or not...

[notbroken]

You do seem to be approaching this as 'the victim'. True or not, you can bet the courts won't see it that way at all - and it doesn't matter who wanted the divorce, who had sex with whom, etc. You will be seen as an able bodied male. The assets will be split 50/50 (you hope - because while she may get more you won't) and whoever retains primary custody will have 'first right of refusal' on the house. Can you even afford the house on your own? If you can and want it, then fight for it (though you will both lose in that scenario). If you can't afford it on your own then move out and move on. Support yourself. The sooner the better. Learn from it and don't allow yourself to be in a situation where you are so dependent.

[BaileyB]

You do seem to be approaching this as 'the victim'. True or not, you can bet the courts won't see it that way at all - and it doesn't matter who wanted the divorce, who had sex with whom, etc. You will be seen as an able bodied male.

 

In which case, it may not matter how much you earn or what you do around the house, the judge will look at your “potential” for earnings, among other things and make decisions accordingly.

 

Can you even afford the house on your own?

 

Not only that, but can you afford to buy your wife out of her half of the home. That is a very different question than “can you afford the mortgage and the bills...”

[Clay]

unfortunately courts like to place the kids with the mom most of the time. so you basically don't have a leg to stand on

 

This is not always the case. I live in a state that is pro women 100%. I not only won custody so did my brother and two other guys that I used to work with. Things are changing so the best advice is for him to go see a lawyer ASAP and see what his rights are.

[preraph]

Yes, I did. But my wife still earns a lot more than I do. I've seen a lawyer. He says generally that the instigator of the divorce is often the one who leaves, but I found that answer unsatisfactory. My guess is my wife and I will hammer out some sort of agreement (possibly each represented by counsel) should it come to that. I think she should have to move out of the marital home based on her conduct.

 

I hope I didn't weaken my legal position of being the primary caregiver by getting a job, but I suppose the benefits of doing so will outweigh the negatives.

 

OMG, you need to stop thinking you're holding the aces here. The judge does NOT care that you aren't getting laid! He cares about the finances and the kids.

[preraph]

The best thing for the children is to neither separate nor divorce. Perhaps my wife could bear that in mind the next time she decides to neglect and ignore her husband who has done nothing but love her.

 

It's not the best thing for the kids if there's resentment and tension in the house and they see their mother being guilt-tripped into having sex she doesn't want to have. Is that the message you want to send your teenage daughter, that she should have sex even if she doesn't want to? It's your idea, so get out of the house.

[Wallysbears]

Could you afford the house?

 

Because I’m thinking what you are truly wanting is your wife to move out AND pay for you to stay in the house.

[littleblackheart]

Having just read OP's other thread, it sounds like you have a transgendering pre-teen at home. How is s/he taking the changes and, undoubtedly, the new tension in the house?

 

It must be quite the roller coaster, I would imagine?

[Veronica73]

When I left my marriage, I was the one who moved out because it was 100% my choice to end it. But we didn’t have kids. And I did continue paying my share of the mortgage, while also paying for my crappy apartment I rented. (We both worked full time)

 

I would think the one who is the primary caretaker of the kids should get to stay in the house, and the other person should leave. But I’m not a lawyer, so I don’t know how that really works. From what I know... it seems that in almost all the cases, it was the woman that moved out. I can think of just 1 situation that the wife stayed in the house and the husband moved out. In this case, they did have a kid, the wife didn’t work, and it was the husband’s decision to end the marriage.

 

Honestly, and this is a complete aside and not really related, but in my opinion, the kids should get the house in a divorce and both parents should have to pay for it, and their own apartments. And then when it is their turn to take care of the kids, they reside in the kids’ house. No more of this shuffling kids all over the place all because their parents messed up.

[Rotaglia]

Does your wife make more than $500k a year?

Yes.

 

I'm simply researching separation for the sake of being informed in case the worst happens. My expectation is to successfully repair my marriage.

[standtall]

OP...listen to your attorney about whether or not to move out. This is very complicated and has many future repercussions...ie. her attorney could portray you as abandoning the family. Do not trust your soon to he ex wife or the posters here....consult with a divorce attorney.

[Rotaglia]

I will do nothing without careful consultation with an attorney.

 

We are planning to remain together.

 

I want to know about this topic to strengthen myself so that I can be a better husband, not a better ex-husband.

[basil67]

Yes.

 

I'm simply researching separation for the sake of being informed in case the worst happens. My expectation is to successfully repair my marriage.

 

Given that she doesn't want sex with you, how you do expect to repair the marriage?

[Rotaglia]

Given that she doesn't want sex with you, how you do expect to repair the marriage?

It's undoubtedly a challenge.

 

There's clearly no guarantee that she will ever want to have sex with me. But if we can work on the issues in our marriage, manage stress, and restore emotional intimacy, I figure that increases the odds that sex can take place in the future, however small.

 

There is a time limit, though.

 

Cynics may snicker and that's fine.

 

@standtall Yes, I am poignantly aware that one does not move out until one's attorney advises him or her to do so because of the potential abandonment-of-the-family issue. On the other hand, in our state a year of separation is required before a divorce can take place, so at some point one spouse definitely does have to leave. As you point out, one should plan these things with an attorney for sure.

Edited April 27, 2019 by Rotaglia

[basil67]

Rotaglia, I'm not one of those who assumes your wife is cheating. With this in mind, I highly suggest the book Where Did My Libido Go? by Dr Rosie King.

 

Among other things, it spends quite a bit of time troubleshooting emotional intimacy issues. If your wife would like to try and repair the marriage with you, this should be essential reading for her.

[preraph]

Whoever wants it to be over the most is really who will move out. But when kids are involved, that gets complicated obviously. In this case, he was the primary caretaker, but now he's working so it will be more equal. I suggest they split an apartment and take turns every other week staying with the kids at the house.

[Rotaglia]

I suggest they split an apartment and take turns every other week staying with the kids at the house.

A very good idea! I had not considered that. Thank you.

 

If, G-d forbid, it comes to that, I will certainly suggest that as a possible solution.

 

Not looking forward to disagreements about things like décor, though, LOL!

[Veronica73]

Yeah, I think letting the kids stay in the house and the parents shuffle around is the most fair solution.

[preraph]

A very good idea! I had not considered that. Thank you.

 

If, G-d forbid, it comes to that, I will certainly suggest that as a possible solution.

 

Not looking forward to disagreements about things like décor, though, LOL!

 

 

Yeah it does kind of take the fun out of having your own bachelor pad. But it would only be until the kids were out of the house I guess. If money wasn't a huge object, you could have two bedrooms and each of you decorate that as your private space. it wouldn't be bad to have a place in case one of the kids needed to sleep over for some reason, like if one was contagious.

Edited April 28, 2019 by preraph

[Rotaglia]

Ugh. Screw this. I'm staying married.

[preraph]

It used to be true that courts favored the women. That's because it used to be true that women were doing 90 percent of the childrearing and staying home with the kids. It took a while for the courts to catch up with modern day, but I can tell you that it is no longer the norm. The norm now is to do what's right by the kids. If one parent or the other has done all the weightlifting caring for the kids, then yes, that parent will likely end up making more decisions for them, but the norm today is awarding joint custody when possible, even over the women's and men's objections.

 

Women mostly have to have a job, too, so it's only fair the man has to also juggle his time and compromise his work status to do 50 percent, and that has become the new normal. Women often fight it because the man has often proven uninterested in caring for the kids, but that's a mistake because unless the man is actually dangerous to the kids, this is a golden opportunity to make him do what is likely the reason they're divorcing to begin with: His half of the chores and childrearing.

 

Now, of course, what you usually see is men trying to fob their 50 percent joint custody off on their mom or a new girlfriend. See this most of the time, but that's not always going to be possible. It's going to "time out" because their moms are usually working too and can't do it and so are their new girlfriends. You do see the courts take these things into consideration and they will ask these questions.

 

The men often proudly tell the court how their mom will take care of the child until they are off work and the court will question, What about when the school calls and you need to come pick her up? They're not awarding custody to your mom, so some of them are going to a say about that as well. That's how men lose being the final decision maker in the child's healthcare, school, etc. when they are not all in.

 

But the new normal is joint custody. It benefits everyone and it often makes the man appreciate how much his now ex-wife was doing and can even in some cases lead to a reconciliation, but only if he wants to help and not just go back to how it used to be.

 

It's usually a mother's gut reaction to want full custody, but someone needs to talk sense to her. She deserves to have some leisure time and dating time and time to work and make a living. Also, if the mother is going for sole custody, the man's attorney will use it to leverage and give the mother less, so it's a very stupid move. Unless the guy is totally incompetent to have the children (in which case the judge may assume you are too or why did you have children with him), he should have the privilege of learning how to take care of his children too.

Edited April 28, 2019 by preraph

[Homer5078]

In my State New Jersey, whoever leaves the house is actually hurting themselves. I stayed till the end, and after the divorce she moved out of the house.